by K. A Knight
“Don’t,” he begs, his voice hoarse.
“I have to,” I whisper. “I’m sorry I left, I am. I did it to protect you, because I loved you so—”
He whirls, and I see tears in his eyes, but he’s still angry. “Don’t stand there and say you left because you loved me! You left because you were scared, too fucking scared, so you ran, and now you feel bad. Well, don’t. It’s over. It’s done.”
“It’s done?” I repeat.
“Yes, it’s done, I’m over you,” he snarls.
“Over me? Then why do you still carry the ring? Why do you still have my bracelets?” I yell, already noticing them peeking from his bag. He freezes, and I scrub at my face. “That doesn’t matter. Ty, I am really sorry. If it helps, it’s the biggest mistake of my life. I regret it every single day. I never wanted to hurt you, God, Tyler, I loved you so much, but when you proposed—” I dash my own tears away and look at him. “I wanted to say yes,” I admit, “but I couldn’t.”
“Why?” he whispers brokenly.
Because I was never just his. The confession almost slips out.
“Because you didn’t know the truth,” I reply. Fear winds through me at my admission, at sharing just how fucked up I am, at seeing that last flicker of love in his eyes fade to anger and disgust, but it’s now or never. He’s right here before me, and I can finally divulge the truth and see what happens—or I can watch him walk away and know I’ve truly lost him forever.
I can’t handle that, though, because no matter what I did or how I feel, Tyler was and always will be my forever. I can’t help loving the others, but it never stopped me from loving him just as much, maybe even more. Tyler was there when my dad died. He was there to hold me when I admitted how messed up I was over my mum’s death. He was with me when I was excited and starting out into the world.
He’s woven into my past in an intricate web. All my memories have Tyler in them, and I don’t want to be free of that. I want him in my future, and I want to be so wrapped up in him that I can never escape. I want this back—being with them, working with them. I realise that now, and I’m tired of fighting it, of pretending I don’t, because if being down here with them has taught me anything, it’s that I still love them.
“I kissed your brother,” I blurt out. It hangs between us for a moment as we both stare at each other, but all that weight goes with it, all that self-hatred and guilt as I watch him. “I kissed Kalen,” I reiterate, my voice low and quiet as I wait for him to explode.
I expect him to kick me, hit me, and throw his vile words at me, because I deserve it. Not only did I break his heart, but I cheated on him with his brother. I wait for the blows to come, so when he sighs, I flinch.
“Baby—Peyton, I know you kissed him.” He scrubs at his face as I blink in shock.
“Wait, what?” I ask dumbly. “You knew? You knew the night of my father’s funeral I kissed your brother?” When he doesn’t talk, I move closer, and words rush from me. I need him to understand, even if they aren’t excuses, because no one can excuse what I did. “I was drunk and foolish, but the worst bit? I wanted to do it again, and it killed me. I hated myself and I pulled away, and when you proposed, all I could do was think…think that you deserved someone better. Someone who could love you wholly, fully. You deserved a woman who didn’t lust after your family.” There, it’s out. I feel like I can breathe again.
“I know you kissed him, but your dad had just died and you were hurting,” he begins, making excuses for me. He didn’t listen to what I said.
“Stop justifying my actions! Be angry! Hate me! Tell me I’m a terrible person, that I cheated and I’m a sick fucking bitch!” I scream, needing him to tell me off, to despise me for it the way I despise myself.
He stares at me for a moment, his expression hard as I brace myself for his anger. “But here’s the thing, Peyton, you don’t get to choose what I deserve, only I do. I knew about the kiss, he told me that night when you fell asleep. Of course he told me, baby, he’s my brother. I was so angry, I punched him, and you know what?”
He shakes his head with a bitter laugh.
“He didn’t even defend himself. Not even when I tackled him and pummelled him for trying to steal you…or even when he told me he loved you and I broke his nose.”
I gasp at his confession. Kalen loves me…loved me? But Tyler is still talking.
“I knew he loved you, baby, I did, and I tried to steal you and keep you to myself, to make you all mine because I was scared you would fall for him and leave me.” He laughs bitterly again, and I dash my tears away as he stares at me. I expected his anger, not this truthful, raw discussion. “But then I lost you anyway, and I lost him too. When you left, you took whatever was still alive in him. He died, and I couldn’t do anything because I was too blinded by my own pain…so I thought if I ever saw you again, if you ever came back, that if it was all of us or none of us…I’d do it, because I can’t live without you again. I tried, and I hated it.”
I gasp, hope blooming in my chest as I move closer, but he shakes his head and steps back.
“But three years is a long time, Peyton. Three years of you being gone. I don’t know if I can be this with you anymore, if I can do this…if I want to do it. Fuck, I still want you, but I’m also still mad. I’ve finally moved on, Peyton. I can’t go back to that place, not even for another chance with you. I thought I would give anything, but my family is finally healing, and I can’t break it again. I’m not angry with you for kissing him. I don’t even hate you as much as I want to.”
God, my heart is breaking all over again, ripping from my chest and bleeding in his hands as he admits just how much he wants me still…and can’t have me. But I need him, I need to be forgiven, and I need to be punished for what I did, so I step closer and push him slightly.
“Do something, be mad at me!” I nearly scream. “Hate me for what I did! Tell me I’m a terrible person!”
“I was—am mad at you, Peyton, but I’m also tired. For years, I saw us having this fight, of me telling you where to fucking stick it, but I never imagined how sad it would make me feel.” His disappointment is palpable and worse than the anger and hurt still lurking in his eyes.
It staggers me. We just stare at each other, with a chasm between us as all of our hopes and dreams fall to the bottom. This feels like the end, the true end. We are too broken to fix, but fuck, I can’t. I can’t lose this. Even when we were apart, there was still a chance we could be together again, but now hearing that there isn’t one? That he doesn’t think he could ever trust and love me again?
I’m bleeding from a thousand cuts created by each word.
“Tyler,” I whisper haltingly, “I still love you.”
“I know.” He sighs. “But I can’t do this—” He stops to turn, but I can’t let him walk away. I can’t.
I do the only thing I can think of—I hurt him. I make him angry so he’ll stay, even if it’s just to hurt me back. It’s better than nothing, it’s better than being cold and alone.
His hate is better than naught.
“Yeah, well fuck you, Ty, your brother was a better kisser anyway.” Fuck. As soon as the words leave my lips, I know they were a mistake.
I’m getting whiplash from this conversation, from the emotions flowing between us, but I’m willing to hurt myself and him if it means he’ll stay. If it means he’ll still focus on me just to hurt me. I’ll take all his hate and pain, because I mean it, I still love him, and yes, I’m angry too. I hate that this is what we have become, but hearing him admit it’s over breaks down all the walls I’ve erected over the last several years until I’m just a girl who loves a boy.
Nothing more, nothing less.
He freezes and turns, his eyes turning cold and angry. The new Tyler is back to play, not the sweet man who forgave me for kissing his brother. “What did you say?”
I lift my chin and smile cruelly at him. “I said your brother kissed better anyway.”
We are bo
th breathing heavily and glaring at each other from meters away. All the years of lying and hiding how I truly felt, all the days of him missing me, loving me, and eventually hating me, and all the new emotions entangled with the old ones…it all explodes. One second, we’re standing apart, and the next, I’m in his arms. His hands drop to my ass and yank me closer, straight into his hard body, and his cock presses against my stomach. One of his hands tangles in my hair, pulling back my head as he smashes his lips onto mine.
It’s a hard, brutal kiss.
Raw and angry.
On his lips, which I have kissed a million times, I taste the difference. I taste the mix of emotions he hides so deeply, even from himself. I taste his longing, his love, and his hate too. This kiss is filled with everything we can’t say to each other. He bites my lips, no doubt drawing blood, and he forces his tongue into my mouth, dominating it. I whimper, and the sound seems to shock him. Tyler rips himself away and stumbles back, his eyes wide, lips parted and red, chest heaving. He stares at me with surprise and hunger before he covers it with that icy exterior, spins on his heel, and stalks from the tent.
I stand alone, observing his retreating form with my fingers touching my bruised, bleeding lips, my hair a mess from his hands, and my pussy aching from the hunger that exploded between us.
I watch him walk away, and it’s the first time I realise just how he felt seeing me go. I know just what I gave up that day, something I don’t think I will ever really get back—him.
I’ve lost Tyler.
I’ve lost them all.
It’s finally starting to sink in.
Chapter Twenty
FIN
I see Tyler storm from his tent, his hands in his hair, his eyes wild and lost, his lips red and swollen. Looks like he finally gave in to those desires we all know he still has for Peyton. It makes me smirk. I want to take bets on how long it will be before those two are back together. In my opinion, them butting heads and snapping at each other is just foreplay, a way for them to show how much they still care, even though they are angry.
But then Peyton leaves the tent with tears in her eyes as she pulls back her hair. She looks around, not meeting anyone’s eyes, and then slides away. I watch as she slips through camp back to the crawl section, and quickly and deftly moves through it. No one should go anywhere alone, at least that’s the excuse I give myself as I follow after her.
I silently move through camp to the entrance of the small tunnel, manoeuvring through on my knees until I find her on the other side. She’s sitting at the entrance to the waterfall chamber, her side pressed against the wall as she stares into the water. She looks so small and alone, it sends a pang through my heart. Fuck, I should turn around, but I can’t help myself.
I still care for her. I don’t even hate her as much as everyone else seems to because I know why she did it. I know how much she hurt herself when she left. So I step closer. I know she hears the crunch of the stones under my feet when she hunches slightly. She hates being vulnerable in front of people, always has. I think one of the only times I ever saw her cry was when her father died. She was a wreck, and all our rules went out of the window. We slept in big puppy piles. We held her and pulled her back together until she could function again.
Riggs washed her hair, Tyler helped her shower, and Kalen twisted and pulled until she came back from the brink of darkness. We almost lost her, but I never realised how much it would kill me when we actually did. But now she’s here, she’s back, and all that anger I held onto, anger at myself and her for making me love her and then leaving, is disappearing.
Because she’s back.
If we lose this chance, she will disappear again. Can we live with that?
Sitting down next to her, I look at her tear-stained face and red lips. It seems she’s met Tyler’s anger, the one she created in him when she left. I’ve had it aimed at me, in a different way of course, but it’s not nice. He can be cruel when he wants to be, using it as a mechanism to keep people away, to stop them from hurting him.
She sniffs loudly and turns her head, wiping her face on her arm as she drags her legs closer to her chest. She’s almost curled into a ball, as if she’s expecting me to physically hurt her. That makes me pissed at Tyler. We would never do that. Yeah, he may be an asshole and rip her a new one… Okay, Kalen may be a cruel fucker too, but we would never hurt her physically. Ever.
Right now, she needs a friend, and despite everything that’s happened, that’s what I once was, and I can’t stand to see her hurting.
“If you’re here to hate on me some more, to tell me I’m a horrible person and kick me while I’m down, please just don’t,” she implores, her voice hoarse.
I wrap my arm around her stiff shoulders. “I’m not, darling, I promise. I’m here to see if you’re okay.”
She lifts her flushed face. “Why?”
“Because you’re still family. Family fucks up sometimes, they make mistakes.” I wince. “Yes, it hurt, and I’m angry and missed you like crazy. I should have seen it coming. You were my best friend. I should have seen you struggling, should have noticed you pulling away. You were lost and alone and thought the only way out was to run, and I will never forgive myself for not stopping you, for not being there for you.” She shakes her head and gets to her knees, covering my mouth quickly with her hand. She searches my eyes desperately.
“No, there was nothing you could have done, Fin. Nothing, okay? Please don’t blame yourself. Blame me, hate me,” she pleads, her tear-filled gaze locked on mine.
I pull her hand away, staring into those eyes I love so much. The darkened cavern is small and isolated, and no one else is here… I fight it. I fight the words that want to escape, but I can’t. I finally admit it aloud. “I don’t want to hate you,” I murmur.
The sound of the waterfall resonates around us as we stare into each other’s eyes from inches away. I see the same interest in hers, the same lust. I struggle against it, my body rebelling, and she stills, not moving either. Both of us just watch the other until we clash. I don’t know who moves first, but suddenly, we’re kissing. My fingers thread through the back of her hair, pulling her towards me. Our lips meet, our teeth clacking in our haste. The taste of her explodes on my tongue, making me groan as my cock pulses. The kiss deepens and slows, becoming less feral. We explore, each of us fighting against the past, using this moment just to give in and be weak.
She tastes amazing, and her lips are so soft, I could kiss her forever. I ache to drag her closer, to show her just how much I care, but I can’t. I pull away and press my forehead to hers. Cupping her cheek, I watch her eyes close for a second before they open and lock on me with a knowing expression.
This is wrong.
It feels right, but it’s wrong.
It doesn’t stop my cock from hardening and demanding my attention like always when I’m with her though.
“I never believed in love, Pey, until you walked into my life.” I drop a kiss onto her lips once more, unable to help myself as I press my forehead harder against hers.
My gaze flickers back down to her lips hungrily as I imagine throwing her to the floor and covering her in kisses, tasting all of her like I’ve wanted to for years. I want to see if I can make her scream louder than she did with Tyler…to see if she is everything I made her out to be in my fantasies.
“But we can’t do this. I can’t do this to them, to Tyler, even as much as I want to. I thought—I thought I made it all up, that I couldn’t possibly want someone this much, but I do. I have always wanted you, Peyton. Even when you were in love with my brothers. But I can’t hurt him again, I’m sorry.” I give her one last lingering kiss, tasting her tears on her lips and the sweetness of her regret, regret that pulls at me. I wish I could stay, I wish I could kiss her forever, but this will be the final time. This is a goodbye, both to her and the feelings I have, because one thing is clear—Tyler isn’t over her, and she isn’t over him.
They belong together
, so I’m backing down. I’ll be the best friend I can be to them and have her in my life however I can, even if it means her loving another. Even if it means watching her marry and be happy with Tyler. At least I will still see her, still be in her orbit.
She nods and curls back into my side, her head on my shoulder. I’m kicking myself, but it’s the right thing to do, and right now, she’s lost and hurting. She needs a friend, not a guy pawing at her and taking advantage.
She needs family.
And despite everything, we are family.
We sit in silence. I hold her as she puts herself back together again. She needs to get some rest after her dive, but I will sit here with her all night if I have to. She would do the same for me. “Aren’t you up soon?” she questions, her voice raspy.
“Soon,” I answer.
She sighs and lifts her head. “Sorry to cry on your shoulder. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry, Fin.”
“Pey, look at me.” She does, and I grin. “I don’t hate you, okay? None of us do… Okay, Kalen might a bit. And Tyler. But only because they loved you so much.” I don’t bullshit her on this. She needs to know, because if she wants to be part of this family again, she needs to earn our trust. “I don’t know if you even want to re-join us, but they will come around. Just keep pushing, keep being you. It’s not been the same without you, darling.”
“What if I don’t want to come back?” she inquires.
It sends agony through me, but I smile through it. “Then that’s your choice. When it comes down to it, Peyton, you need to figure out what you want. No one else can choose for you, but stop living in limbo. You’re either in or you’re out. But if you’re out, you need to be completely out so we can move on and get over you, because it’s not fair otherwise.”