I wanted to trap her with my arms and feel every inch of her with my body as I pressed up against her. But that couldn’t happen. As much as I wanted it to, it would always remain a fantasy.
“I...” Claire paused in the doorway. The cold night air had a bite to it and it whistled in the hallway between our apartments. “I had a good time. Better than I’ve had in a really long time. Thank you, Thomas. I know we didn’t get much time to talk about the business, but how about tomorrow we meet in the old bookstore after you close up shop?”
“Sounds like a plan. I’ll see you then.”
We both lingered there a moment, I swore for a moment we both leaned in together but it must have been a trick of the light because the next moment she was hurrying down the hall to Richard’s apartment.
It wasn’t quite running, but she was definitely moving as fast as she could without somehow offending me. Had I imagined the way she hesitated? I shut the door and leaned my forehead against it.
I was going to get a mark if I kept doing that.
I didn’t expect a kiss, but at least a hug or a handshake. With a shake of my head, I went back to the kitchen to clean up. The entire time I struggled to think of anything but how easy it was to be with her. It was as if she never left. Like nothing had ever happened.
If only that were true.
9
Claire
I ran. Okay, I didn’t run exactly but it was close enough. Powerwalking away from Thomas’ door wasn’t my proudest moment, but it was the only way I could think of to break the spell that had come over me.
Was I really about to kiss him? What the hell was I thinking?
You were thinking it’s been seven months since you got laid, and he looks a hell of a lot better than any guy you’ve ever dated.
The slightly gangly boy I remembered had filled out with thick bulging muscles. Did baking give him that? He must knead everything by hand with those arms.
That was a strange fantasy if I ever heard of one. Imagining Thomas shirtless, rippling muscles slick with sweat as he worked a large ball of dough with his bare hands. Hard muscles sliding effortlessly below his smooth skin as he rolled and kneaded, rolled and kneaded.
Just the thought of it was making me sweat.
Think of something else! Food. The food, think of that.
A groan of longing escaped my mouth at the thought. The man didn’t have an ounce of good business sense but he could bake and cook fit for a queen. And so what if I was beginning to daydream that I could be that queen?
It was just a fantasy. I’d never act on it.
I locked the door behind me and caught my breath, my heart hammering in my chest. I hoped he wouldn’t come banging down the door to check on me, or worse to get that kiss I saw he wanted deep in those coffee-dark eyes of his. I also hoped that he would, because a part of me wanted an excuse to let loose. To trust again.
A few moments passed, my heart still did little weird flips in my chest but I was feeling more normal than I had all night. I was me again.
The rest of the night I spent showering and trying to unwind with a nice thick ledger of business transactions and shipping manifests. Some people read a good book, I read spreadsheets.
The next morning over a cup of Dad’s horrible instant coffee I was preparing my business plan for Thomas’ bakery when Beth called.
“Hi, Beth.”
“Good morning, Claire! So, I was thinking…how about we have a girl’s night out tonight? I’ve got some friends in town, and we were thinking about going dancing the next town over and then afterward come back here. There’s a nice little restaurant in town that owes me a favor. We’ll have the best table, guaranteed!”
“I can’t. I told Thomas we’d go over some business stuff later.”
She gasped. “You forgave him?” Was that really so appalling to forgive him? We’d been in high school, and it was over eight years ago.
I stopped to analyze the thoughts that ran through my head. One day with the man and I was already halfway to forgive him. I couldn’t find fault with it, though I knew I should have been able to.
It was like being away from Thomas had let me cut out the brilliant, charming and kind boy with some caricature. And the only cure for that was seeing the man in the considerably muscular flesh.
“Not really,” I said, sounding a little defensive even to my own ears. “Things are just different. That’s all.”
“Hmph! You deserve better than that backstabbing sleazeball. C’mon let us take you out, you’ll find a real man to take home who will actually treat you right. I won’t take no for an answer.”
“I guess I could reschedule-“
“That’s great, see you at five!”
For some time after I sat there staring at the “call ended” screen. Shutting my phone off I took another sip of Dad’s gross instant coffee. I really needed to see if I could bum some of those beans from Thomas. I bet he roasted his own coffee.
I kicked my feet in my chair like a little girl thinking about the coffee he’d so casually given me yesterday. If he could incorporate cooking, baking, and coffee into the menu he’d have an excellent bistro on his hands the likes of which the lower eastside would line up down the street in the pouring rain for.
All I needed to do was make him see it. But first, I had to cancel our plans. It’s not like it was a date or anything. Unfortunately, I didn’t have his number so canceling would require me to go over to A Game of Scones and do it in person.
I poured the rest of the sludge into the sink and got ready to go. I prided myself on my ability to face a difficult situation with my head held high and back straight, so why did I feel so nervous about telling him we’d need to reschedule?
The last thing I wanted to do was knock on the shop front, so I snuck around the back and gave a gentle knock on the heavy metal door. Nothing. I waited a bit and tried again, knocking as lightly as possible. I realized I didn’t want him to answer. I didn’t want him to be there. If I couldn’t tell him I had to cancel I wouldn’t see the hurt in his kind soulful eyes.
Or was I scared that he wouldn’t be hurt and I had imagined the tingling sensation in the air whenever we got close last night? Every time I passed him a plate of something delicious he cooked up, my knees went all wobbly and there was this unmistakable feeling of electricity in the air.
When we stood at the door, inches apart, I felt drawn to him like iron filings to a magnet. I swore I practically felt the powerful pull as I leaned into him before I cowardly ran away.
Something I was heavily considering doing right now. No, I could do this. I had to be strong. We were business partners, that’s all.
The door cracked open and Thomas poked his head out. He looked adorable with a smudge of flour on his cheek. My knees nearly buckled and my insides felt wobbly like a school of jellyfish had taken up residence.
I can’t do this.
“You’re here early,” he said, suspiciously looking me up and down. “What’s up?”
“Something came up.” I practically had to yank the words out. I’ve told people that they lost millions of dollars, potentially the business that they’ve spent their lives building with greater ease than this. “I won’t be available tonight.” I tried not to squint as I braced myself for the blow.
I would not look away.
My stomach roiled and I felt like somebody had just sucker-punched me as I watched the disappointment clear as day on Thomas’ face. He covered it as best he could, but not well enough. Since when did I care so much?
I forced a sympathetic smile. “Settle for a rain check?”
He didn’t even take a moment to think about it. “Of course.”
“Same time, same place tomorrow night then.”
I got out of there as fast as I could before I ended up canceling my plans with Beth and doing something stupid. Like throw my arms around his neck and kiss him.
Instead, I went back up the stairs around back to what I was begin
ning to think of more and more as my apartment and not my dad’s.
There wasn’t much else to do until Beth arrived, or called. I’m not entirely sure what the transportation situation was like. Nor did I want to call or text her. We’d been pretty good friends way back when, but in my haste to get away and make a clean break of my small-town past I may have hurt her in the process.
Obviously she knew it wasn’t about her, and in any case, she didn’t seem to hold a grudge. So there was no use in bringing it up. She was a bit catty, but that was Beth. Not everybody changes.
A few hours spent polishing up the proposal I had for Thomas, a couple of hours finishing up boxing everything but Dad’s room, and it was nearly time to get ready for a girl’s night out.
Something I can’t say I’ve had much of in my life. It would be a nice change of pace.
There wasn’t much in the way of sexy attire in what I’d packed - I didn’t own much anyways - but I think I can be forgiven that transgression, considering I came back thinking I’d be meeting lawyers and going to a funeral.
Not going out dancing with some old friends, and maybe meet some new ones.
By the time Beth texted me that she’d bring the car around, I was feeling particularly good about myself. I did the best I could with what little I had to work with.
It was a strange cross between “sexy lawyer” and interview dress. I had my hair up in a bun with two black chopsticks holding it in place, a white ruffled blouse and a tight short skirt with black heels.
Not great, but not bad either. I gathered my purse and headed out the door.
I’d gone a full two hours without thinking about Thomas, but all of a sudden he was constantly popping up in my head. Beth’s black Mercedes pulled up, looking puny alongside my massive Suburban and I hopped into the rear passenger seat.
Two women I didn’t know turned to me and smiled, introducing themselves as Tina and Lois. I instantly knew I was underdressed. They wore flashy outfits that showed off their assets - which is just girl-code for showing off lots of cleavage and ass - and more makeup than I owned.
Even Beth was done up similar to them. By comparison, I was drab. Great, I thought. I’ll make all of them look good and they’ll all go home with some hot guy and I’ll be stuck alone.
There was always Thomas.
I buried the idea before it had a chance to catch hold. That was not happening.
The whole ride Tina kept up a running commentary on all the gossip she was privy to. She was a paralegal two towns over and apparently loved nothing more than repeating the bits of gossip she heard.
I did my best to stay interested, but I really couldn’t have cared less. Gossip never did hold my attention. It was gossip that ruined stock prices, and gossip that caused successful companies to suddenly report losses. All because somebody thought they heard something was maybe going to happen.
No, I was definitely not into gossip.
We arrived a little after sunset, the club was a decent size. The sort of place you’d find in a college town, not massive but not a dive either. The bouncer at the doors let us in with only a slight nod towards Tina. Maybe gossiping had its perks around here.
The music thumped loudly and the darkness was disorienting for a second. I was jostled in the hallway and lost track of the girls. It took me a little bit before I found them again. The place was so packed they hadn’t even noticed I’d gone missing for a moment.
Making a mental note to keep close to them I pitched my voice over the music towards them. “I’m going to get us some drinks, does anybody want any?”
“You buying?” asked Tina excitedly.
“Of course,” I said with a wry grin. “I know the new girl’s role. So what’ll you have?”
They gave me their orders and I was only too happy to slip by as they went to a standing table. Shimmering lights played against the walls and across the dance floor.
People huddled in C-shaped couches with large tables, several spiral metal staircases wrapped their way up to seating on the second floor that looked down on the DJ’s stage.
“Hi!” I said over the music to the handsome young bartender. I eyed his muscles, but I kept comparing them to Thomas’ and found them wanting. “Could I get some drinks?”
He leaned forward, elbows on the glass curved countertop. Long dark hair framing his pretty face. He grinned at me in a way that said he expected me to swoon like every other girl. “If you let me give you my number,” he said with a velvety smooth voice.
With a curious tilt to my head, I said, “Aren’t you supposed to ask for my number?”
The bartender shot me a vulpine grin. “I’m confident enough that you’ll call.”
Any other time it may have worked. I had a thing for confident men, and this guy practically oozed it. Yet, for some reason, I wasn’t that interested. I gave him a grin back.
“We’ll see,” I said coyly.
He took my hand and wrote his number on my wrist and winked at me when he was done. “Now, what can I get you…?”
“Claire,” I said.
“Claire, what a nice name. I’m Pete.”
“Well, Pete I’d like a fuzzy navel, a sidecar, and a piña colada.”
He gave me a sidelong look, he’d started on the first drink as soon as I said it. “And what’ll you have?”
“And how do you know one of those drinks isn’t mine?”
“Because those drinks are for girls, you’re a woman.” Damn, he was good. That probably worked a lot. I wouldn’t be surprised if he knew Beth and her friends, they might even be regulars.
I had to give it to him even if that wasn’t the case, he was convincing. “An old fashioned, please.”
“A classic, coming right up.”
I came back to the table with the drinks clutched in my arms. I should have asked for a platter but then I realized I wouldn’t know how to balance it properly. The only balancing I knew how to do was finances.
The girls had vacated their standing table and were now even farther away at one of those curved couches. I weaved and made my way as best I could through the crowd, steering clear of the dance floor until I could deposit my load on the dark tabletop.
“Here we go,” I said, trying to inject some excitement into my voice. “Sidecar for Tina, fuzzy navel for Lois, and a piña colada for Beth.”
After our drinks, things started to loosen up a little. I stopped feeling quite so out of place and didn’t worry about my outfit. Men came up and asked us to dance, and one by one we went out onto the dance floor.
There was a bit of a pack mentality about it that made me feel safer than I normally would have. Nobody went to the bathroom alone, we either danced together or in a loose group with different people. And nobody left a drink unattended or took one we didn’t see get made.
A lot of it may have been common sense, but you’d be surprised how many girls - and guys - completely disregarded basic safety.
I honestly didn’t think I’d have any fun, but by my second drink I was as loose as Tina and while I didn’t dance nearly as well as her, the drinks made sure I didn’t care either.
Win-win.
By the time we piled back into the car, I had been asked for my number by seven different guys and gotten two more numbers on top of the bartender’s. We were all chatting amicably with a joke every so often as Beth drove down the winding roads back to Sunrise Valley.
“God, that one guy just didn’t know when to take a hint!” said Lois with a howl of laughter. She got really giggly after her third fuzzy navel. “He kept dancing near us, even when we moved across the dance floor. I swear he did the cabbage patch towards the end!”
“No! That’s so sad,” said Beth from up front.
“So what about that hot bartender?” asked Tina, nudging me in the ribs in the backseat. “I saw you talking to him for a while and he took your arm.” She grabbed it and tried to bend it in ways it didn’t bend to read the numbers.
“Ouch! Hey
, my arm doesn’t bend that way.” I pulled it back and rubbed my elbow.
“Sorry, sorry,” she said putting her hands up, but I got the strangest sensation that she wasn’t really. “So you gonna hook up with him?”
“I’ll sleep on it.”
“Pfft, boring! Beth, I thought you said Claire was cool.”
“Claire is cool,” Beth said defensively. “Aren’t you Claire?”
“Sure?” An unsettling feeling started to nestle in my stomach.
“So, call him!” added Beth. “Do it right now and we can all listen in.”
This was why I didn’t like going out with groups of people. Ever since high school I had to deal with stupid peer pressure. Do this, wear that, talk to that guy or that girl, but not that one over there he’s from a poor family. Ew, look at his hand-me-down clothes.
I didn’t stand for it then, and I wouldn’t be pushed around now. Even mildly buzzed as I was. “I’m not calling him in the car when you’re all listening in, that’s the end of it. Please drop it.”
We rode in awkward silence all the way back to town. I wanted to be upset with myself for causing a scene. Wanted to, but couldn’t. My love life was mine, and whether they meant well or not I didn’t need to bow to their whims.
Thankfully the discomfort was short-lived, we pulled up to a quaint restaurant I didn’t even know existed and everybody hopped out. As soon as we got inside out of the cold night air the mood shifted.
Everybody was talking again, though I noticed none of the talking was directed my way. They were all animatedly deciding what to eat which only grew more intense once we were seated. It was a comfortable nook at the back of the restaurant overlooking a lake that I only then remembered was part of a park or nature reserve.
And I only remembered because Thomas used to love going to the park when we were kids. I missed him then more severely than I had the intervening years. I missed his lack of judgment, the way he’d listen to me talk about my problems and not judge me or try to fix them.
Kneading You Page 7