You also need to find something that pushes you out of being stuck in the holding-on-to-shame pattern. If you keep telling yourself that you’re bad and unworthy, if you think you can’t undo what was done, then you have to take action. Either by unburdening yourself to someone trustworthy who can help (as my therapist helped me), or by creating a new reality for yourself.
Confidence is key. If you’re really good at something—and everybody is, whether it’s running a multibillion-dollar company or having a really lovely potted garden on your porch—you can push past shame, too. You don’t have to think you’re unworthy anymore. And your confidence about yourself begets more confidence, which makes you exude happiness, which brings love to you. The trick is to keep your momentum, and that, as you know, means moving and staying in shape!
Instead of the shame driving you, go back to your MAP. Make a Plan. Do it now. Instead of telling yourself you’re a failure, say, “I have a plan. I have a MAP. I am going to be like a toddler learning to walk. That toddler falls down and gets up again and falls down and gets up again. If toddlers stopped trying the first time they fell down, they’d still be crawling. They don’t criticize themselves or think they’re no good at walking. They get up. They know they can do it. They’re confident that they’re going to figure it out and succeed. And I will, too.”
If those toddlers fall too many times and get tired and frustrated, what do they do? They cry. They’re preverbal, and the only way they can communicate and ask for help is with their tears. There’s no shame in crying. Sometimes as human beings we don’t give love and attention until someone’s crying, and then we soften up because we see the upset. Besides, sometimes a good cry can be incredibly cathartic, to help clear out the mental garbage and jargon that’s bringing you down.
The Rule of Nine Is a Shame Killer, Too
If you’re still having trouble with your shame issues, try this: For every one bad thing you did, or do, I believe that you can do nine good things to get rid of that one bad thing. That’s how you match up your karma. If you fuck something up, you’ve got to make nine people’s lives better for that one fuck-up.
The Rule of Nine doesn’t have to be about large things. It can be as small as buying a sandwich for the homeless person in your neighborhood or as big as helping your friend pack up her house when she has to downsize because she lost her job. It can be telling your friend who borrowed fifty dollars from you that they don’t ever have to pay it back—it’s a gift. It’s about helping someone move on a Sunday when it’s your only day off. It’s about driving an hour to sit shivah for your friend’s grandmother whom you never met. It’s about letting someone stay with you when they’re going through a hard time and need a place to crash for a while. Doing these good deeds will fill your heart up. Do as many as you can.
FLIP THE NEGATIVE
When you’re training your heart and opening it up to love, it helps to process your feelings of hurt and pain by seeing the good components of whatever it is that’s hurting you. In other words, flip the negative and make it positive.
Tell yourself this (and believe it): Every emotion is temporary, and every time you blink is a chance to change your attitude. You’re now going to be all about exuding self-love.
For example, if there is a painful memory (an argument, a deep hurt, the loss of a loved one), hold on to all the best moments between you and that person. Don’t be afraid to create a dialogue in your head with that person. Have the same conversation you would have had if they were sitting in the same room with you. It’s comforting to know they might be listening to you. It’s just faith. Have it—it works.
Or another: If you discover that your partner is cheating and decideds to leave your marriage . . . deal with the anger. Adjust to the changes. Then see the great moments (your wedding day, the first house, the amazing children) and hang on to those. Delete the bad; it only drags down your energies. Admit you understand, on a profound level, deep down, why your partner left, even if the future is scary.
Or another: Loss of a job only means your next opportunity is waiting for you around the corner, but you have to put on your discovery hat and be an adventurer to go seek it out. Don’t wait for it to fall in your lap—you have to manifest it. Which is why the group dynamic is so special. You will network into so many amazing circles of life, and by getting to know the people around you, you put out the things you need, and the universe will take care of the rest. This is not hokey, by the way. This is you setting an intention, using your life experiences to meet up with the right opportunities, and acting upon it.
Emotional presence in your life is the quintessential ingredient to a healthy mind and body. You have to stay connected to your true feelings in order to train your heart.
Believe me, I know how hard this can be. Especially if you are a drinker, or a pill popper. I can’t drink or take pills for anything anymore, which means I basically go through life feeling every single emotion, every uncomfortable moment, every thrilling moment, 100 percent present in my mind and body. I never thought I could survive without being numbed. But once I was sober I discovered I like it this way. It’s the real me, shame and all. It’s also the most powerful feeling, waking up in my body every day!
Know your pitfalls and walk through them, not around them. That’s flipping the negative. Walking around them keeps you in them; walking through them allows you to feel the bottom, and know that you don’t belong there.
If, for instance, your pitfall is drinking, walking through it means telling yourself you can’t drink like that because you experienced the feeling of doing it already. You can’t walk down it again. I use these metaphors to replace that fear with confidence—to acknowledge the real feelings of the real you.
PUT YOURSELF IN THE MIX AND CHANGE IT UP
When I was a DJ, my friend Brett called me DJ Miss Mix-y. Because I was always mixing. Not just music for the dance floor—I was always mixing people together, inviting different people to different events. I wanted all my friends to blend and mix it up. I had straight friends, I had gay friends, I had models, actors, schoolteachers, construction workers, lawyers, and doctors in my life. I especially loved taking my straight friends with straight jobs to gay parties. They always had a blast. I would say to them, “Just go out there and put yourself in the mix.”
Putting yourself into the mix isn’t just about music. It’s about doing whatever you need to do to shake up your life. This will bring new people into your orbit. It will also bring new opportunities and new confidence. And more love into your heart.
Start mixing it up by doing something as simple as changing how you get to work, or where you go for lunch. This is especially important when you’re feeling stuck. A new routine is a must when your old routine isn’t doing it for you anymore. If you go to lunch at noon every day, at the same place show up at eleven forty-five instead, somewhere else. Sure, there is comfort in being a regular somewhere, but there’s also comfort in knowing you’re capable of putting yourself in the mix.
Get out your bucket list and start doing something about it. Maybe go on a trip with a group once in a while (even if it’s just a day-trip to a park or to take a hike in the woods), sign up for a surf camp in Costa Rica, or go on a cruise by yourself!
Putting yourself in the mix is, on a more profound level, about taking risks. You’ve got to go for it (whatever it is) to get it. Well, I think we all know that falling in love is the biggest risk you’ll take.
That’s why I love my girlfriend so much. She’s such a lover of life. She might be a hard-ass, but I love her even more for that. She runs a tight ship, but that’s why we’ve worked through our problems and are now two years past our ten-year anniversary and happier than ever. Her rules are inviolable, and thank goodness for that. Remember, I was taught to go for easy, which got me precisely nowhere—so it can get uncomfortable for me when my buttons get pushed. But it keeps me on my toes. It keeps our relationship fresh. If it were too easy and plugged in t
o my comfort zone, I’d soon be bored out of my brain. I’d be drinking and using again because I’d have too much time on my hands, looking for fun and something to keep me occupied. Instead of doing the hard, challenging work of training my heart.
What I’ve also learned is that you can’t not love in fear of rejection or losing it. Part of love is losing it. I have had my heart broken so many times, but that didn’t stop me from pursuing future relationships. I don’t not love because of my past. Right now, the thought of me not being with my girlfriend is so devastating I don’t even think about it. But if that ever did happen, for whatever reason, I’d have to deal with it then. Projecting wild fears into the future is a dumb kind of risk. You risk projecting hypothetical ideas into the now. For what purpose?
Stick to your MAP. Evaluate the pros and cons of the risks you’re considering. Then . . . go for it!
THE ALTRUISM OF LOVE
Want to know how to have a bad relationship? It’s simple. It’s not seeing someone for who they are, and deciding that you can “fix” and mold the person into who you want them to be. Except people can’t be “fixed” if they don’t want to be fixed. They’ll change only when they’re ready (and many never will be).
You can’t make someone love you the way you want them to love you. They either do or they don’t. If you fall into this trap, you can’t blame the other person. This can turn into a vicious cycle and be a relationship-killer because you might just want your partner to be the best they can be so you can grow together, side by side. But if your partner doesn’t want your help, or can’t accept it, you’ve got a problem. I am always willing to try harder, but that’s usually after my mild tantrum of “I can’t do this any better. . . .” Then I catch myself and say, “I’ll try harder.”
In other words, there is an enormous difference between self-sacrifice and altruism.
Self-sacrifice can veer precipitously from love and admiration to martyrdom and accusations. Altruism, on the other hand, is what you want to strive for in a relationship.
My trusty dictionary defines altruism as “the belief in or practice of disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others.” Teachers, doctors, and social workers are altruistic by profession. Trainers and healers are, too. That is really who I am, because I love helping people feel better and look better and do better. That’s my calling. It’s my purpose. On that long-ago day in church, Pastor Bayless’s mom told me I was chosen to speak. I didn’t quite get it at the time, but I’ve gotten it now. I found the channel for my message—which is exercise. To get moving and to keep moving.
An altruistic relationship is based on mutual respect, honesty, and communication. Both of you are “practicing selfless concern for the well-being” of each other, at the same time. It’s working toward the same goals.
What you should both try to do is out love each other. Try to love harder. If you’re both on the same altruistic page, you’ll never go wrong.
If you have a relationship like that now, I salute you. If not, you can have it. He or she is out there for you. Focus on your visualizations. Get busy. Throw your positive vibes out into the universe. Accept your faults. Get help pushing past the dark emotions and memories that might be holding you back. Love yourself a whole lot more, and you’re going to shine so bright you will be the beacon that leads love toward you.
Visualization for Love
This is a very powerful visualization for bringing love and magic into your life.
1.Sit in a comfortable position in a dark room. Close your eyes.
2.Picture yourself as energy, as if you were your own Hubble telescope peering out at all the stars in the universe. We are all energies. We are all force fields walking through this universe.
3.Keep imagining what your energy looks like, and try to put your hands on it. When you capture it, it’s like that magic moment when your children collect fireflies at night. When your children stare at the jar full of life and love.
4.Imagine your energy filling up an enormous and special jar of life and love. Feel it in your heart. Let it heal you. Let this light of love heal everybody you touch. This is how you change the world and this is how you find love. Feel your body glow. Get brighter and brighter. Brighter and brighter.
5.Now from the inside out, give yourself a huge hug by grabbing your hips right hand to left hip and left hip to right hand, and then flex your abs. Send the love vibration through your body, and watch how differently you feel when you open your eyes. Do it now!
“All athletes know they have to fuel the machine properly.”
SEVEN
EAT
No matter how hard you work out, if you don’t eat right, you won’t get results. The truth is that most of what you look like is based on what you put in your mouth.
In large part because I always ate well, I was able to function and continue to work in the fitness industry during my years as an addict. All athletes know they have to fuel the machine properly, whether they’re deep in training or not, or they’ll never come out on top. You know that I believe we’re all capable of being athletes, but don’t think that because you’re not a professional athlete, you can eat what you want now and pay for it later. Sure you can—you pay for it later by being overweight, unhealthy, or dead!
What I’ve learned from my thousands of students over the years is that there are three reasons, and three reasons alone, why they want to lose weight now:
•Fear (“I’m afraid of getting sick/getting ignored/getting stuck/not looking good for an event or job.”)
•Revenge (“I’ll show that loser who just dumped me what he’s/she’s missing!”)
•Love (“I want to look fab for my love.”)
What’s missing from this list, of course, is that everyone should want to be at a normal weight—note that this doesn’t mean the bone-thin size 0 so beloved of the misguided fashion industry and media—in order to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible. Until you love yourself enough to make good eating habits part of your lifetime routine, you’re just going to make it harder to attain and maintain results.
This is why you need to acknowledge your intentions about making a realistic eating plan a regular part of your life. Use the suggestions in this chapter to help you identify and deal with the emotional issues about your weight that might be holding you back.
EATING FOR INTENT
What do you reach for when you want an extra boost of energy before a workout or an intense meeting at work? What is your comfort food when you’re blue? Is there one particular food that trips you up every time you vow to change how you eat?
Food affects moods. (Look at the words food and mood—they are literally one letter apart.) Not just from blood sugar spikes, but because every food contains nutrients with specific properties. I also believe that because food has such a profound effect on moods, it’s one of the reasons why diets don’t work. If you’re in a bad mood, eating something calming can help bring you back to chill. If you’re too tired to go to the gym, drinking something fresh and energizing can give you that pop you need. Being super restrictive about what you eat (and staring at that number on the scale) is a recipe for failure. Instead, stock your shelves with all kinds of nutritious foods that do for your body what visualizations and Moving Meditations do for your spirit. You already did your kitchen declutter, right? (If not, turn back to page!) Those nice empty shelves are practically begging for healthy and delicious items to be placed on them.
I don’t believe in diets. We all know they don’t work. Instead of diets, I believe in live-its. I believe in setting your intentions about how and what and why you want to eat what you do, and how you want to feel. There are always choices. Be deliberate in them and you will automatically feel better and lose weight.
THE BEST ENERGIZING FOODS FOR EVERYDAY LIFE
My holistic nutrition consultant and wellness curator Meredith and I compiled these lists of the best foods for your needs. These foods are nutrient
dense and full of vital minerals and vitamins that help build healthy cells, strong bodies, and powerful minds. Fresh is always best. Frozen is okay. (Canned foods are not something I recommend, because the linings of some cans contain an endocrine-disrupting chemical called BPA that can leach into the food.)
•Bee pollen. It’s loaded with protein, vitamins, and folic acid. The best is locally sourced. One teaspoon usually does the trick, but avoid it, of course, if you’re allergic to bees!
•Beets, raw, cooked, or as fresh juice. I love beets! They’re super detoxifying and sweet enough to curb cravings.
•Cacao. This dark chocolate is super dense in magnesium, which you need for muscle and cognitive functioning as well as heart health.
•Coconut milk. It’s loaded with healthy, naturally occurring saturated fat containing 50 percent lauric acid, a medium-chain fatty acid that is quickly assimilated for an energy boost. Fresh coconut milk is far superior to canned.
•Coffee. I love it, but only in the morning for that caffeine jolt. It loses its magic if you drink it all day. Just so you know, cold-brewed organic coffee is less acidic than regular coffee. If you like regular coffee, go for organic/Fair Trade varieties and skip the conventional sweeteners and dairy. (I like my coffee black and strong.) Use natural sugars and dairy-free milk such as coconut, almond, or hemp.
•Dark leafy greens, either in whole form or juiced. They’re loaded with vitamins, minerals, and micronutrients.
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