by Minna Howard
‘No, I am divorced,’ Xavier said quickly, before Flora reached them. ‘Flora and Hugo, her husband, are old friends of Matt and Susie.’
‘Oh, well. I daresay I’ll soon be able to put faces to names,’ Eadie said. ’So, cup of tea, anyone?’ she repeated, smiling at Flora, ‘or champagne if you’d rather, I’ve got some on ice. It’s always a good thing to have a bottle of fizz at the ready, don’t you think?’
‘Well, yes, great idea, but no, thank you, I won’t have some now. What fun, you just travel around wherever you feel like?’
Flora was obviously taken by them. Xavier wanted to hug her. The others were now looking rather out of their depth. In true British style, they’d changed from amazement at the new arrivals to pretending not to notice, but he could see that Flora was fascinated.
He glanced over at Hugo, who seemed almost shell-shocked at the invasion and he suddenly disliked him. Well, he would look after Flora and now he was glad that Hugo was going on this boat fiasco. It would leave him and Flora together.
17
Susie had occasionally mentioned her unconventional Aunt Eadie to Flora.
‘She has the reputation of being the black sheep of the family, though I’m certain she hasn’t done anything unkind, or broken the law. In fact, I’d say most of us are just jealous of her living life to the full, travelling round Europe with a younger lover. She has much more energy than I do.’
So now, seeing Eadie for the first time, Flora realised she was quite different to how she had imagined her. It was true she had the slightly glamorous air of a femme fatale like the old movie stars, yet at the same time, she seemed down to earth.
Eadie had now gone round to the other side of the van and was out of sight. She could be heard discussing with Serge the best place to put their tent, but first of all she was going to brew up the promised cup of tea. Flora almost accepted one, not wanting Eadie to feel their refusal was a sort of rejection, but she did not feel like a hot drink in the hot sun.
She left Eadie to her tea making and went over to the pool. She climbed down the little ladder into the cool, blue water and began to slowly swim, enjoying the feeling of the water against her skin.
She could feel Hugo watching her as she swam away from him and wondered what he was thinking – relief he was going away from her, or regret that they seemed to have lost each other in the melee of child care. It was a relief he seemed to have no inkling about how close she and Xavier had once been. In fact, she wondered now, as she reached the end of the pool and turned to swim back, if she hadn’t had to leave Aldeburgh so suddenly, might they even be married to each other now?
Once, when alone together in their room, she had mentioned the fact that she and Xavier had met years ago, sailing at Aldeburgh. She half wondered if she should make a joke about them being close, but Hugo had shown little interest and if he had thought about it, he’d probably imagine that Xavier was just another one of the sailing crowd who spent their summers there.
Hugo’s attitude made her want to protect those magical days, so she was not going to enlighten him now. She and Xavier could be friends, look back with nostalgia at those carefree days by the sea with seagulls coasting around hoping to snatch a sandwich from a picnicker on the beach, and the flack, flack of the wind shaking the halyards against the masts of the boats lined up at the yacht club by the river… and that last evening.
She’d reached the end of the pool and rested her hand on the side, her body hanging down weightless in the deep cool water. Even if they had met the following evening and properly consummated their love, would it have lasted? Xavier was about to leave for Brussels to study law and she was going to university in London, both would probably have been too occupied to cope with a long distance love affair. But seeing him again like this had shocked her, her body wilfully remembering their passion for each other. Surely it would not have been like this if her marriage were happy, she thought, turning back to swim to the other end. In front of her and difficult to ignore was Hugo reading a magazine. Why did he no longer love her, desire her? Her internal voice was like the cry of a child. They had been so happy, but it had been as a family unit. Was there really nothing left between them, now their girls had gone?
There was a splash and Laurie swam towards her, his expression one of deep concentration as he ploughed along. He stopped beside her, treading water before diving down like a fish and swimming away.
She swam on to the end and got out of the water which ran in rivulets down her body. As she turned to pick up her towel, she saw Xavier watching her through his dark glasses. She ignored him, though she felt a slight buzz of excitement. She wrapped her towel round her and sat down, picking up her book, finding her place and starting to read, though her mind was not on it and she had to keep going back to the beginning of the chapter to see what was happening. She gave up and went over to join some of the others mingling round the snack lunch.
‘Should I offer them something? Martha, referring to the food set out earlier, threw a look towards Eadie and Serge. ‘There’s plenty to go round.’ Before Flora could answer, she said, ‘Yes, I’ll ask them, we don’t want to look standoffish.’ She scurried over to them.
‘No, thank you, dear, we’re self-sufficient and we’ve just been to the market,’ Eadie said cheerfully. She was now drinking a large gin and tonic while Serge seemed to be preparing some crabs. Martha scurried back to the rest of them, seeming amused, saying quietly, ‘Well, their lunch is certainly more ambitious than ours.’
Xavier brought a reluctant Laurie over to the table but he hung back, saying he didn’t feel hungry though he’d like an ice cream. Flora watched with amusement, as Xavier went down the well known path of bribery, promising an ice cream if Laurie would eat something healthy first. Hugo came over and stood beside her in the garden. He had helped himself to more bread and cheese. She could not see his eyes behind his sunglasses.
‘I’ll be back in a week. You’ll be fine here,’ he said, trying to put some warmth into his voice, yet sounding like a stranger.
They were standing a little apart from the others, some of whom were talking quietly about Eadie and Serge and wondering how Susie would react when she returned that evening. Alegria was back by the pool, soaking up the sun. Xavier was helping Laurie change out of his wet swimming trunks.
‘I hope you’ll sort yourself out,’ Flora said to Hugo, glad that she, too, had on her dark glasses so he could not see her impatience with him in her eyes.
‘You don’t understand.’ His voice was petulant.
‘I don’t,’ she said. ‘We both miss the girls – terribly – and it seems that after all our years together, they are the only thing we have in common.’
Before he could answer, a sleek sports car pulled into the drive. At first sight, Edmund seemed as unexciting as the other time they’d met him – balding, red faced and overweight. He charged through the gate and drove right up to Eadie and Serge’s van. He seemed impatient to get away, nodding in Flora’s direction, before informing Hugo – as if they were going on some daredevil mission – that they’d go straight to the boat and get provisions on the way.
Hugo greeted him cheerfully and scooped up his bag and waterproof jacket before calling out goodbye to the assembled company. As he passed Flora he swooped down, leaving a kiss somewhere near her ear and making her feel he was only doing it for show.
‘I’ll see you in a week. Text if you need me,’ he said, as if she was a member of his office staff, not the mother of his children, his wife of almost twenty years.
‘Have a good time, keep in touch,’ she said mechanically, aware that Xavier was watching them. She waited until the car started before turning away and going back into the villa. It was too hot now outside in the midday sun and she wanted to be alone.
18
Once back in their room, Flora changed out of her swimsuit and had a shower. Some of Hugo’s clothes were still draped over the back of one of the chairs and a couple of pa
irs of shoes stood in the corner of the room.
‘So, I suppose that shows he’s coming back,’ she said out loud, seeing his beloved Lobb shoes – the beautiful handmade shoes you almost needed to take out a mortgage for. His father had bought them for his fortieth birthday and they were supposed to last the wearer for life. He’d leave the rest of his clothes and even her behind on a sinking ship, she told herself morosely, but not those shoes.
The blinds were down to keep out the heat of the day, though they were ill-fitting and a golden ray of sun added a gleam of light to the dark room.
She thought of Xavier and wondered if Hugo would have been so keen to rush off on this boat trip if he knew how close they’d once been.
Flora sat on the bed, wrapped in her towel, her feelings jumbled. She was afraid, she admitted to herself, that her resurrected feelings for Xavier would outweigh her feelings for her husband. They had not really broken up, all those years ago, so there was a feeling between them of being in limbo, still in love, but yet able to move on. ‘I’ve started so I’ll finish,’ the voice from Mastermind echoed in her mind.
She wished she could talk to her girls. It might ground her, remind her that they were still part of a family and was she really about to destroy it for a possible fling with an old flame? It was evening now in Pennsylvania and they were probably out with friends, playing sport, or at the cinema, or even falling in love. Flora knew she wouldn’t be able to bear it if she heard a touch of irritation in their voices because she had rung and intruded on their new life.
She’d go down to the village as it was too hot to sunbathe. She put on a soft cotton Indian dress she’d bought in a market on one of their holidays. It was white with a pretty pattern in blue. It hung loosely round her, unconstricting and cool. She jammed on her straw hat, picked up her sunglasses, and took a light bag with her containing her mobile and wallet, and left her room.
It was the quiet time of the day when people often went indoors to doze or read. The only person in the garden now was Ben, who was asleep in the shade with his panama hat over his face. There was silence from the campervan, but the curtains were closed, so she assumed Eadie and Serge were sleeping too.
‘Flora, are you going for a walk?’ She heard Xavier’s voice behind her and saw that he and Laurie were coming out of the villa. ‘We’re going down to the village to buy ice cream. Will you join us?’ His smile was warm. He was not wearing his sunglasses and she could see that he was studying her, perhaps to gauge her mood.
Her spirits lifted but she was determined to ignore the attraction she still felt for him. She’d so often heard of instances where people who’d once loved each other, were tempted to go back to the time when they were young and fancy free. Xavier’s little boy needed the full attention of his father and must not be side-lined by flirtation.
She said. ‘I was just going to explore the village.’
‘Great, we’ll all go together then,’ he said cheerfully, ‘and if you’re good, I’ll buy you an ice cream too.’
‘I did eat all my lunch,’ she joked, winking at Laurie, who smiled shyly back.
As they walked out of the gate down the narrow lane, she asked Laurie what kind of ice cream he was going to have.
‘Chocolate, with flakes,’ he answered, holding on tightly to his father’s hand.
‘I don’t know if they have that kind here,’ Xavier said, ‘but we’ll find a good one.’
They walked a little further in silence, the heat beating down on them, the air still and hot.
Laurie said plaintively. ‘Will Mum be there yet?’
He looked up at his father and Flora felt her heart lurch at the panic in his face. At least she and Hugo had stayed together long enough to give their children a secure upbringing and the self-confidence to go out into the world.
‘Yes, she will. I’m sure she’ll ring us later,’ Xavier said, and Flora saw the pain in his eyes, as if afraid that he was not enough for his son.
Seeming content with that, Laurie let go of his hand and snatched up a stick lying by the path. He ran ahead, slashing at the dry grasses on the side of the path. A car passed them. Not many cars came this way, but with Laurie running back and forth Xavier thought it safer to walk by the side of the lane through the crisp, dry grass.
It was narrower here and they were forced to walk closer to each other with their bodies occasionally touching.
Once Laurie was running down the verge and out of earshot, Xavier said. ‘Darcy and I could not live together; we seemed to bring out the worst in each other. We are both to blame for the break up. We thought we loved each other, mistook lust for love. We didn’t mean to have children, but Laurie came. We both adore him, but it’s hard for him having to share out his time between us. I often wonder if it would be better to leave him with his mother until he is older, but I cannot bear not to see him.’
She saw the anguish on his face and without thinking took his hand. ‘Was it too difficult to hang on in there together until he was older?’ she asked, and then felt as if she was being judgmental. Marriage went through various stages over the years just as hers was now. Perhaps it was pointing to the fact that she and Hugo could not live together without the security cushion of their children.
‘It was,’ he said, his voice low so that Laurie didn’t overhear. She had to lean close to him to catch what he said. She could feel the warmth of his breath soft on her cheek. She stepped back, afraid of her feelings. This was madness. Just because her marriage seemed to have hit the buffers did not mean she should jump straight into another man’s arms. The fact that they had loved each other all those years ago when they were young was irrelevant.
‘We both had other people, that was not a good thing at all,’ Xavier went on. ‘They were not much more than quick flings, usually on a business trip in another country, but enough to make us realise we couldn’t live together and not keep throwing it back in each other’s faces. No child should have to live with that.’
‘No, of course not,’ she said, thankful that her family life with Hugo had been strong and loving, their two daughters the most important things in their life.
‘I do understand,’ she said, on the brink of confiding the problems in her own marriage but she would not, she decided. It would be embarrassing if she confessed to her unhappiness and Hugo returned from his boat trip rejuvenated, ready to start their new life together.
‘Now, here we are, let’s look for ice creams,’ Xavier said, as they reached the village. He turned to Laurie, who was now dragging his feet, exhausted after his emotional day. ‘Will you be able to ask for one in French?’ he asked him.
Laurie looked concerned and Xavier smiled. ‘Don’t worry, we’ll speak French together another time.’
They’d reached the boulangerie with its jewel-like cakes in the window and a few baguettes stored in a wicker basket. One side of the shop sold ice cream with every imaginable colour in deep trays under glass.
‘Well, what will you have?’ Xavier smiled down at his son who stood enthralled.
The plump, rosy faced woman behind the counter smiled and said in French, ‘Chocolat, noisette, fraise, ou vanille?’
Laurie turned to Xavier. ‘Can I have two flavours? I can’t choose, otherwise.’
‘Won’t you be sick?’ Xavier said dubiously.
‘No, not if I have two.’ Laurie turned back to the delicious array before him.
‘So what about you Flora? Can you decide?’ Xavier said.
‘It’s difficult, they all look delicious,’ she said. ‘I think I’ll have pistachio and lemon, let me get them.’ She smiled as a feeling of joy surged through her.
‘Only if you let me buy you one another time.’ His warm gaze made her feel more alive than she had for ages. She must stop this; Hugo should not have left her alone, been so distant when they were together.
After much deliberation, Laurie said, ‘I’ll have chocolate and… chocolate.’ He smiled at the woman behind the counter.
‘Please… S’il vous plait,’ he added, catching his father’s eye.
The three of them sat on a bench outside the shop under the shade of a large tree. The air was hot and still. A woman came out of the shop and began adjusting the canopy over the window.
She smiled at them. ‘Bonjour, il est beau, le garcon. C’est bien le chocolat, non?’ She ruffled Laurie’s hair before going back inside the shop.
‘What did she say?’ Laurie asked, his mouth ringed in chocolate.
‘She said you were very handsome and hoped you are enjoying the ice cream,’ Xavier said.
She assumed we’re a family, Flora thought. Do we really look as if we belong together?
19
Laurie began to flag on the way back to the villa. He was walking beside his father, dragging his feet. His steps got slower and slower, until suddenly he stopped and Flora saw that his eyes were filled with tears, his small mouth wobbling while he valiantly struggled to control himself.
‘Mum,’ he said. ‘I want Mum.’ And his tears fell, as did the last remnants of his ice cream cone on the dry, dusty ground.
‘Oh, Laurie.’ Xavier bent down and hugged him. ‘I told you Mum is on her way to Grandpa Mike. She’ll ring us when she arrives.’
Watching Laurie while he struggled to be brave tore at Flora’s heart, bringing her near to tears herself, reminding her of the agony of suddenly missing someone.
They were nearly back at the villa now and Xavier said he’d give him a piggyback. ‘We’ve done too much today. I expect you’re exhausted, getting up so early to be here.’
‘I want Mum,’ Laurie said more forcibly this time, standing stock-still.
How hard it must be for a child to come to grips with such a situation, Flora thought. Laurie was too young to understand that sometimes your parents, the two people you care most about in the world, cannot live together.