Instead, she was on the prettiest stretch of water she’d ever seen, with a new friend who she suspected didn’t take shit from anyone, and she had not a thing planned for the day other than going to look at some fish and flirting with a sexy man.
All in all, Sam thought she could get used to this.
“It seemed like you were relaxing a bit, but then I felt this wave of tension go through you,” Irma commented from behind her. “Your shoulders went from relaxed to tense again. Want to talk about it?”
“I doubt talking about it will change much. It’s hard to change a situation with two immovable objects,” Sam said, glancing over her shoulder at where Irma paddled patiently behind her. Once again she was struck by the backdrop – brilliant blue water and palm trees dotting the beach in little poofs of green.
“Want to try anyway?” Irma asked, her tone as placid as the water that lapped gently against the yellow hull of the kayak. She stopped paddling and let them drift for a while to give Sam some time to think.
“I guess… it’s just that everything’s kind of come to a head. And I’m stepping back, or I guess out of, my life to take stock and realize what isn’t working for me,” Sam said.
“And what would that be?”
“All of it. Or I should say, none of it. Nothing is working for me. Not my job, not my family, and not finding love. So what’s the point of it all? Why am I burning the candle at both ends for something I don’t want?”
“Tell me about your job,” Irma said, steering them gently away from a few rocks that poked from the water.
“It’s a job anyone would dream of. Travel the world, manage luxury villa and boutique hotel accounts, and so on.”
“But it’s not what you dream of,” Irma stated.
“I… it’s not that I don’t like working with numbers. Because I do. I actually really do, I enjoy how everything lines up neatly and how when you add numbers together the outcome is the same. Unlike people, where no matter which equation you try, they never give you the answer you expect.” Sam shrugged a shoulder, stretching her legs so that the sun caught them.
“Did you leave your job?” Irma asked.
“I didn’t. I have been working for years to get the CFO position. I never said no to anyone, or any trip. Where everyone else had family or prior responsibilities, I didn’t. I did everything they asked me and went above and beyond. And still… I didn’t get the promotion I’d been working for. They even told me it was all but guaranteed to be mine. I went to Japan on a day’s notice for them,” Sam said, feeling her shoulders tense again and the ball in her gut tighten. “And they gave the CFO to the guy who charms everyone in the office and passes his work off to everyone else.”
“I don’t like your employers much,” Irma commented, surprising a laugh out of Sam. “Well? I don’t. What kind of employer would use someone like that and not reward them for their hard work? It’s unconscionable. And it’s how you lose good people. Loyalty should be rewarded. Are you a good accountant? I’m sorry if that sounds rude – but are you?”
“Yes,” Sam said, though she blushed at being so blunt about her skills. “Yes, I really am. Whenever they audit the accounts, mine always come back perfect.”
“See? So it sounds to me like you have a shitty employer. What’s the big deal with you taking a vacation?”
“I left the day after the CFO announcement. With no real warning to anyone.”
“Like how they gave you less than a day to prepare to go to Japan?”
“I… well, yes, exactly like that,” Sam said.
“So if they can do that to you, why can’t you do that to them? Do you take vacation often?”
“I haven’t, no,” Sam said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as the unjustness of her situation boiled in her stomach.
“Ever? How long have you been there?”
“Over seven years,” Sam said.
“And you’ve never taken a vacation? You have every right to take one. I’m sorry, but you have been too good to them. Is that what’s worrying you? Your tears this morning? Are you concerned you’ll lose your job?”
“No, it’s not the job – though yes, partly that is a concern,” Sam said.
“I think it sounds like you’d be better off without them. That’s no way to live your life,” Irma said. “I’m sorry. That sounds harsh. It’s your life and you absolutely should choose what to do with it. If you love this job, which it sounds like you don’t, but if you actually do, I suggest taking your vacation time for some perspective, then going back and negotiating new terms with them on how you want your position to look.”
Sam marveled at the honest advice. For once in her life, someone – aside from Lola, that is – was advising her to trust her own judgment and do what she wanted. It was refreshing to be treated as an adult who knew her own mind, instead of a child who needed constant corralling to do what others considered best for her.
“You’re absolutely right, Irma. If I decide to keep this job – and doesn’t that feel awesome to say? If I decide, not anyone else, then yes, I will most certainly go back and negotiate my terms. Because you know what? I am damn good at what I do,” Sam said, feeling a little trill of excitement race through her at claiming that bit of power.
“And who else would decide if you keep your job? Isn’t that for you to say?” Irma asked, beginning to steer them toward the cliffs that jutted proudly from the sparkling Caribbean sea.
“My parents. My brothers. My extended family. Everyone my parents talk to. Pretty much everybody seems to have an opinion on how I should be living my life,” Sam grumbled. “Maybe that’s an exaggeration. But mainly my parents. They’re…”
“Controlling?”
“I was going to say overbearing,” Sam sighed, dipping her paddle in the water. “But controlling would be the more apt word.”
“How do they try to control you?”
“Basically they want everyone in the family to fall in line with what they know. Practice law, get married, have kids, vote Republican, stay in the lane,” Sam bit out.
“What’s wrong with being an accountant? That’s a fairly admirable career, no?”
“It is. But it isn’t law. Just like the man I really fell in love with wasn’t an attorney. Just like I failed at holding the engagement together with the man they did want me to marry. Just like all the things. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do – they have an opinion on it. The reason I was crying this morning when you found me is that they called me up and ordered me to get on a plane today. They’re convinced I’ll lose my job. And that would take them to a new level of embarrassment, because they’re already dealing with the shock of me not getting this promotion and oh, what will people say?” Sam didn’t realize it but she had begun stabbing the water with the oar, paddling them faster toward the rocks as her anger kicked up. “Who the fuck cares what anyone says about my job? It’s mine. Not my parents’. Not their friends’. Why do I always have to do what they want? They think they know what’s best for me. But did anyone ever just ask me what I wanted? Nobody did. Not my perfect brothers. Not my father. And certainly not my mother, who seems to have no problem kowtowing to the men in the family, though she’s a brilliant woman and can stand on her own two feet. Why is she bending over backward taking care of them and then coming down so hard on me? I’m so tired of being told I’m the difficult one when all I’ve wanted to do is live my life free of their judgement. Just once, just once I would love for my family to see me as me. Just me. And accept that for what it is. I’m not a bad person.” Sam was shocked to realize she was openly weeping again.
“No, you’re not a bad person.” Irma reached forward to gently pat Sam’s shoulder. “It sounds like you’ve got some work to do.”
“I know. I need to apologize to them and make things right,” Sam said, automatically defaulting to a refrain that she had played out so many times in the past.
“Absolutely not! They owe you an apology, though I doubt
you’ll ever get one,” Irma said, shocking Sam once more with her instant support. “I mean you’ll need to work on changing your expectations of them. You keep allowing them into your life and getting the same results.”
“Which is the definition of insanity,” Sam said.
“So either you put boundaries up as to what you tell them, or change your expectations of how they’ll react.”
“I just want them to love me,” Sam said. “Not control me. Just love me.”
“People try to control what they fear,” Irma said, her voice sad.
“What? Why would they fear me?” Sam asked, turning as much as she could in the kayak and looking at Irma. “I’m the least fearsome person in the world.”
“Because you are going against what they know – what their safe zone is. And you’ve barely even stepped outside their safe zone. Imagine what would happen if you really embraced who you are.”
“They’d probably hate me,” Sam sighed.
“Or really envy you,” Irma said. “You might have a freedom they’ve never known – one they wouldn’t even know what to do with.”
“Me?” Sam all but squeaked. “But they have all the money and prestige – they can do whatever they want.”
“Not when everyone’s watching, they can’t. They’ve built themselves their own little prison there. And you’re an escaped inmate,” Irma laughed.
“Well, shit, I’ve never looked at it like that,” Sam said, captivated by the idea. “Me. A rebel. Who would’ve thought?”
“Who would’ve thought indeed?”
Chapter 21
They stayed in the boat for another hour or two, not that Sam was even remotely keeping track of time. Between the discovery of a mermaid statue on the cliffs and her delight at the hundreds of fish that swam below the kayak, she found herself lost in the enjoyment of the day.
“Irma, I want to thank you for taking me out today,” Sam said as they returned to Lucas’s dock. “Honestly, this was so much better than me sitting in the room and pulling myself deeper into a funk. You’ve shown me such beauty and given me a lot to think about.”
“Don’t think too much, you’re on vacation,” Irma said, hopping nimbly from the kayak and wading them in toward shore.
“I’m not sure I know how to switch that off,” Sam said, smiling down at Irma.
“I think you need to learn how to have fun again. Let loose a bit. Not live by anyone’s expectations other than the ones you’ve set for yourself. Discover the joy in just being… just feeling in the moment.” Irma reached out and brushed her hand over Sam’s arm. “Channel your inner mermaid.”
“My inner mermaid,” Sam laughed, delighted at the concept. “And what would my inner mermaid do about that?”
They both looked to where Lucas sauntered down the beach toward the dock, his shorts riding low on his hips, a smile on his face for them.
“My inner mermaid may be naughtier than yours, because I’d take that man inside for an afternoon delight,” Irma smiled and Sam threw her head back and laughed.
“I doubt I can do that,” Sam said, blushing a bit at the thought of rolling around on the bed all salty from the ocean water, her hot skin brushing against his.
“Maybe just a taste then,” Irma smiled and then turned to Lucas.
“You ladies look like you’ve had fun. Can I interest you in a bite to eat? I’ve got the grill going, thinking you might be hungry when you got back.”
“I have some business to take care of, but I’m sure Sam would love to.” Irma grinned at Sam and hummed the refrain from ‘Afternoon Delight.’
Sam flushed again and, in lieu of answering, tried to gracefully slide from her seat on the boat. Instead she found herself with a mouth full of seawater, and wanted to just let herself sink to the bottom.
“You all right? Kayaks can be tricky to get out of,” Lucas said, fishing her out of the water and setting her on her feet. Sam brushed her soaking hair from her face and snatched up her hat before it floated away along with the rest of her dignity.
“Yup, I meant to do that. Cool off from a hot day and all,” Sam said, sticking her chin in the air.
“Oh, in that case,” Lucas said and dunked her under the water again.
Sam came up sputtering. “Hey!” She laughed, splashing him.
“I’ll leave you two. See you later, Sam, stop by if you need anything,” Irma said, already hightailing it down the beach with a wave.
“Looks like you’re stuck with me,” Lucas said, grabbing her hand and dragging her from the water so that she stood in the sand, sopping wet.
“Looks like it. Do you have a towel for a girl to use?”
“That I do,” Lucas said, and swung an arm comfortably over her shoulders. Sam tensed for a moment and then relaxed into him as they walked up the sand to the path that led to his villa.
The house itself was set back from the water and sheltered by palm trees. Whitewashed walls, cheerful blue trim, and an open-air living room greeted her as they reached the top of the path, along with a large dog of indistinguishable breed, who all but vibrated with energy.
“You have a dog,” Sam stated more than asked, having come to a full stop.
“Yes, though at times I’m hard-pressed to call him a dog. More of a cat some days.” Lucas slid a glance back to where Sam had stopped on the path. “Are you scared of dogs?”
“What’s his name?” Sam whispered.
“His name is Pipin,” Lucas said, looking back and forth from Pipin – who was clearly dying to leap excitedly on them, only his training holding him in one spot – to Sam, who stood frozen, with her hands to her lips. “Are you sure you’re okay with dogs?”
“I’ve always wanted a dog,” Sam breathed and dropped to her knees. “Come here, Pipin!”
The dog looked to his master for guidance. When Lucas waved him on, he dove down the path, all but tossing Sam end over end as he leapt on her in sheer joy, bathing her face in one long sloppy lick of love.
“Oh, aren’t you the sweetest lump of fuzzy roly-poly cuteness,” Sam gushed, burying her face in Pipin’s coat. He writhed around her in joy, seeming to agree with her statement. “You’re just the most handsome boy ever, aren’t you?”
Pipin dropped to his back and rolled over, begging for tummy scratches. Sam laughed and readily indulged him, and for the first time in his life, Lucas found himself jealous of a dog.
“He seems to think so,” Lucas said, smiling down at Sam as she continued to baby-talk Pipin, who lapped it up as though he never got love from anyone. Ever.
“He’s just a total doll,” Sam said. Giving Pipin one last pat, she straightened to wipe the slobber from her face and laughed up at Lucas.
His breath caught at the sight of her, hair tumbling wild from the water, her face alight with joy, her bikini a slash of red against the Caribbean blue of the sea behind her. She looked like an entirely different woman than the one who’d first arrived, buttoned up and miserable, forcing herself to relax without an agenda on the beach.
He wanted her.
It surprised him, the ferocity of his need. Not just sexually; he wanted to know what made her brain tick, who had hurt her so deeply – for she was clearly wounded – and he wanted to be the one to patch her back together. Reminding himself once more to go slow with her, he tossed her a friendly smile.
“Yes, Pipin chose me more than I chose him. Or perhaps we chose each other. He showed up on my doorstep one day, conveniently when I was grilling, and I couldn’t bring myself to turn him away.”
“Wormed his way into your heart, did he?” Sam bent down to pet a delighted Pipin once more.
“He was a bag of bones when I met him, if you can believe that.” Lucas shook his head at Pipin, “I couldn’t bear to let him starve. So, I began leaving some food out for him, letting him come back when he wanted to. It didn’t take him long to discover that I had a couch. After that, he moved himself in.”
“I’m surprised he didn’t bri
ng his friends along,” Sam laughed again.
“He played it smart – if he shared he might not be king of the castle. Now he owns me and that’s that,” Lucas said.
“It’s hard to imagine him skin and bones,” Sam said as she eyed a decidedly healthy-looking Pipin.
“Are you fat-shaming him?” Lucas dropped his mouth open in pretend shock. Even Pipin seemed to understand and turned to look at her over his shoulder.
“No,” Sam gushed, dropping to her knees again to cuddle Pipin. “I would never. He’s the perfect amount of roly-poly.”
“Good. We don’t fat-shame in this house, do we, Pipin? No judgment here,” Lucas said.
“That’s good to hear,” Sam said, standing and pinching her stomach, making a lame joke about being uncomfortable with her body in the bikini.
“I love your body, Sam. You should never cover it up in a one-piece,” Lucas said. When she looked at him in shock, he turned away with a smile to walk over to his grill. He’d have to ease her into accepting compliments, he realized.
“What is with everyone being so nice here? I swear, it’s like the nicest island of people,” Sam decided as she came to stand by the grill. “Are you all just drinking the happy juice or something?”
“Maybe we are – it’s hard not to be easy-going in this paradise. Plus, there’s nothing wrong with making people feel good about themselves, right?”
Sam leaned her hip against the table and studied Lucas as he deftly put chicken sate and rounds of pineapple onto the grill, which sizzled as the pineapple juices hit the flame.
“No, there’s nothing wrong with that at all. You’ve a lovely home here, Lucas. I love how open-air concept it is – it kind of just embraces the ocean, doesn’t it?” Sam said.
“Would you like a quick tour while the chicken cooks?”
“I’d love one,” Sam admitted, and bent quickly to dry her feet – which Pipin took as another invitation to slather her face with his tongue. “Pipin! So many kisses.”
Good Girl Page 9