by Nic Saint
And then they were finally off, carefully closing the door behind them. For a moment, I was too stunned for speech, then I bellowed, “Hey! You forgot about our kibble!”
Chapter Two
The door flew open again, and Odelia reappeared. Which just goes to show: we have the best human on the planet. A human who never forgets about those all-important things in life, such as there are: kibble, kibble and of course… kibble!
“You’re coming to see off the ship, whether you like it or not,” said Odelia as she took three big steps in our direction, and gave me and Dooley twin prods in the rear.
“Hey!” I said, as I hadn’t expected this.
“You can’t miss this, you guys!” she added. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience and you’re going to spend it lying around on the couch? No way!”
“But—”
“No buts. You’re both coming with us and that’s final.”
And to show us she meant what she said, she even proceeded to place a well-shod foot against my rear and gently nudged me in the direction of the door!
“All right, all right!” I said finally. “I get your point.”
“Good,” she said. “You can lie around and be lazy at home. We’re here to have a great time, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to—”
She quickly shut up when the door to the next cabin opened and a man walked out. He looked a little weird, I must say: he was dressed like a teenager, only he wasn’t a teenager but a grown man. He wore jeans with holes in them, a flashy T-shirt, several big rings on his fingers, colorful wristbands, a bandana, a goatee and sunglasses with little wings on the side shields. He also had a very large pink stone embedded in his forehead for some reason.
“Lil Thug!” Odelia cried out. “I’m a big fan, sir.”
Our neighbor smiled and took off his sunglasses. “Thanks. Always happy to meet a fan.”
“Love the diamond, Mr. Thug,” said Chase, who seemed to be a big fan, too, judging from the silly grin on his face.
“Oh, this little thing?” said the man as he casually touched the stone on his forehead. “I picked it up at Tiffany’s, as you probably know.”
“Oh, I do,” said Odelia. “I’m a reporter,” she explained, but when the man’s face morphed into a frown, she quickly added, “But I’m not working right now. We’re actually on our honeymoon. This is my husband Chase.”
“Pleased to meet you, Odelia, Chase,” said the guy smoothly, and they extended handshakes. And I think this might have been the beginning of a wonderful friendship if the other doors across from the corridor hadn’t opened just then, and a small gathering of people poured out and joined us: a woman in a wheelchair being pushed by a younger woman who looked very much like her. A young man was also present, and a woman with a wizened face and suspiciously dark hair. The foursome stared at Mr. Thug.
The woman in the wheelchair produced a sort of loud squeal, while the young woman produced a startled little whimper, then exclaimed, “Omigod omigod omigod—Lil Thug!”
“That’s me,” said the guy who I now assumed was probably a rapper of some kind.
“I love your stuff!” said the girl, as she immediately left the wheelchair where it was and tripped up to the rapper. “Your album Stinky Fingers is my absolute favorite!”
“Thanks,” said the rapper with the kind of vague indulgent smile that indicated he’d been in this type of situation many times before.
“Are you all right, darling?” asked the young man solicitously.
“I’m fine,” said the woman in the wheelchair, who was holding a small white ball in her lap. Possibly a keychain. “Muscle spasm,” she said with a grimace. “It’ll pass.” She stuck out a hand in the direction of Odelia and Chase, who stood closest to her. “Bertha Biles. And this is my husband David, my daughter Laura and my caregiver Adele.”
“Odelia Poole,” said Odelia. “And this is my husband Chase.”
“They’re honeymooners,” said Lil Thug with a waggle of expressive eyebrows.
“Honeymooners!” said Laura, who now turned her attention from the rapper to Odelia. “That’s so romantic! When I get married I want to go on a honeymoon cruise, too.”
“We need to get going,” the wizened-faced lady now growled. Judging from her smoky voice she probably couldn’t wait to dig into her second pack of cigarettes of the day. “The boat will take off any minute now.”
“Oh, you’ll love the embarkation ceremony they like to put on,” said Mrs. Biles. “It’s just the best thing. There’s music and everybody cheers. It’s a lot of fun.”
“You’ve taken this cruise before?” asked Odelia as the company moved off in the direction of the elevators.
“Oh, sure. We take this cruise every year. We’re big cruise fans. You?”
“This is our first time, actually.”
“And you, Mr. Thug?” asked Laura, her eyes glittering, knowing she was in the presence of fame.
“First time for me, too,” said the singer. “Though I’m here for business, not pleasure.”
“You’re doing a show?!” asked the girl, practically screaming now.
“Yeah, I am,” he said with a deferential smile. “Not tonight but tomorrow night, and then every night after that. I hope that’s all right with you?”
“All right? It’s the best news I’ve heard so far!”
A door opened and a couple walked out. They were a blond woman who looked like a model, and her equally handsome male companion. Both of them were holding selfie sticks and were preening as they talked into their phones, filming themselves. When they caught sight of Lil Thug, their perfectly-shaped jaws dropped, and in a coordinated movement they swung their selfie sticks to include the famous rapper in their efforts.
“No selfies, please,” Lil Thug said immediately.
“Of course,” said the woman, who lowered her selfie stick with visible reluctance.
“Oren,” said her companion, “and this is my partner Chiquita. We’re influencers.”
“What’s an influencer, Max?” asked Dooley.
“People who film themselves and then post the videos online,” I explained. “And then people pay them.”
He frowned, his lack of comprehension clear. “I don’t understand.”
“Well, they post stuff online, and get people to watch it, and the more followers they have, the more they can charge when they plug some handbag or a pair of shoes.”
“Okay,” he said, but it was obvious he still didn’t fully comprehend the strange and wonderful world of influencers.
Introductions were made and then the company distributed themselves among the different elevators and then it was just me and Dooley and our humans again.
“Did you see that diamond?” asked Odelia.
“Yeah, I saw it,” said her husband.
“Do you know how much it cost?”
“I’m guessing a lot?”
“Twenty million dollars,” said Odelia.
Chase whistled through his teeth. “That’s a lot of dough.”
“Why does that man have a diamond glued to his face, Max?” asked Dooley.
“I think it’s some kind of fashion accessory,” I said.
“A fashion accessory that cost twenty million,” Odelia added. “And it’s not glued to his face, Dooley. It’s been surgically implanted.”
“That must have hurt,” I commented.
“What are they saying?” asked Chase with a smile.
“They’re wondering about the diamond,” Odelia said. “Max says it must have hurt when he had it implanted in his face.”
“Probably not more than a piercing.”
“Well, technically it is a kind of piercing.”
“I just hope he doesn’t lose it when he takes a shower. Imagine flushing twenty million down the drain.”
The elevator gently jerked to a stop, and we got out. The deck, where we now found ourselves, was filled to capacity with people, and loud music poured from the speakers. There was a sw
imming pool located in the center. Kids were playing on the water slides, and there was an atmosphere of gaiety and fun. All in all, I felt like setting paw for our cabin to have a lie-down. As you may or may not know, cats aren’t very big on gaiety and fun, or pools, or kids playing on water slides. We also don’t care all that much for loud music, or umbrella drinks being served or large gatherings in general.
But I decided to suck it up and go through the motions. Odelia wanted us to be part of the revelries so I was determined to do the best I could.
“So much noise,” said Dooley, as he glanced around a little nervously.
“Yep.”
“So many people.”
“Yep.”
And then suddenly a tremor went through the ship, and he yelled, “This is it! We’re going down! Save yourselves!”
“We’re not going down, Dooley,” I said. “The ship is setting sail, that’s all.”
“Oh. Okay.”
And indeed this was it. We stepped up to the railings so we could look out across the quay. It was moving away from us—or we from it. And as people waved us off from the safety of the shore, and passengers were whooping with excitement, I gulped a little, and hoped Dooley’s predictions wouldn’t come true. We’d all seen Titanic, and even though so far I hadn’t caught sight of Kate or Leo, that didn’t mean things couldn’t still go awry.
Chapter Three
Dooley and I stepped away from the crowd, as we didn’t want to get trampled underfoot, and found ourselves near the back of the ship. When we looked down, we could see the churn created by the powerful propellers as the vessel quickly sailed further and further away from shore and we now were truly underway.
“I hope they have plenty of lifeboats,” said Dooley as he stared unhappily at the shoreline growing ever smaller in the distance.
“I’m sure they do,” I said reassuringly.
“And I hope they’ll change their women and children first policy to pets and women.”
“Odelia isn’t going to let anything happen to us,” I said. “And neither is Chase. Besides, how often do you hear about a cruise ship sinking?”
“A cruise ship sank off the coast of Florida only last month,” said my friend. “No human casualties, according to the news, but who knows how many pets died, Max.”
I gulped some more. And as we both stared down at the water of the Atlantic Ocean, I suddenly felt relieved I’d recently learned how to swim. I’d taken swimming lessons from none other than Odelia’s neighbor’s Yorkie of all people—or dogs, actually. Though I very much doubted whether I’d be able to stay afloat if we found ourselves going down in the middle of the ocean long enough for the rescue boats to reach us.
Suddenly, and without warning, a pair of birds landed nearby and settled on top of the railing. They were very big birds. In fact it wasn’t too much to say that they were probably just about the biggest birds I’d ever seen in my entire life—they were about Dooley’s size and regarded us with a distinct lack of chumminess.
“Cats,” growled one of the birds. “What are you doing here?”
“We’re on our honeymoon,” I announced.
The bird blinked. “Honeymooners, eh? Nice, nice.”
“Do you know if this boat has lifeboats, bird?” asked Dooley.
The bird blinked again, and cocked its head. “How would I know?”
“What do you need lifeboats for, cat?” asked the second bird.
“Well, if the ship goes down, it’s good to know that we’ll be safe.”
The birds shared a look, then burst into raucous laughter. “You’re funny, cat,” said the first bird.
“Yeah, hilarious,” said the second one.
“My name is Max,” I said by way of introduction, “and this is Dooley, and this is actually the first time we’re going on a cruise, so excuse us if we don’t know the ins and outs of cruising just yet.”
“Oh, you’ll get the ins and outs pretty quickly,” said the first bird.
“I’m Jack,” said bird number two. “And this is Frank.”
“Hi,” I said, happy that even in this strange part of the world we were already making friends and influencing birds. “So do you live on this ship?”
The birds shared a look again, and once more burst into laughter. “You’re really funny, Max,” said Jack.
“Yeah, a real joker,” said Frank. “Do we live on this ship? Sure we live on this ship, and every other ship that crosses these waters.”
“We don’t necessarily live anywhere, Max,” Jack explained when I just stared at him. “We just go where the food is, see?”
“Oh, I certainly do,” I said, much relieved to hit upon something we shared. “We also go where the food is, don’t we, Dooley?”
“Absolutely. And since the food is usually with our humans, that’s where we made our home.”
“Oh, so you guys have a home, huh?”
“Yeah, we do,” I said, “with just about the best human in the world.”
“Maybe you know her,” said Dooley. “Odelia Poole. She’s a famous reporter.”
“Nah. Never heard of her,” said Frank.
“She just got married to Chase, who’s a cop, and now they’re taking this cruise as a honeymoon, and they’re going to make lots of babies by the time they get back.”
“Oh, boy,” said Jack with a grin. “If you keep this up we’re gonna die laughing, Dooley.”
“Two comedians,” said his buddy. “If I’d known cats were so funny I’d have laid off them.”
“Laid off them?” I asked with a smile. “What do you mean?”
“Never mind. Here comes your human. Which means we’re off.”
“See you, cats,” said Jack.
“Yeah, see you,” I said, and gave them a wave as they spread their wings and took off.
“Nice birds, don’t you think, Max?” said Dooley.
“Yeah, very nice,” I agreed. I turned to welcome Odelia, but then saw that Frank was wrong: the people making their way in our direction weren’t Odelia and Chase but the influencers Chiquita and Oren. And they didn’t look very happy.
“I don’t believe this,” Chiquita was saying. “I thought you had more sense, Oren.”
“Oh, I’m the one who should have more sense? What about you?”
“Look, if I’d known that you were doing this for the money I’d never have agreed to give up my job and go on this trip with you.”
They were leaning on the railing and speaking in low tones, but there was definitely a causticity to their words.
“And if I’d known that you were such a boring do-gooder I’d have dumped your ass ages ago,” Oren snapped.
“I don’t understand, Oren. When we got into this we agreed that saving the planet is the only course of action worth pursuing, so what made you change your mind?”
“You never told me that all you wanted to do was save the planet!”
“I understand that we need money to keep this venture going, but more importantly we need to show the world how beautiful our planet is, and motivate people to do what they can to save it. We have no planet B, Oren—this is all we have.”
“And we can do all of that while making a nice living—in fact better than nice. We can make a great living, if only you’d sacrifice some of those lofty principles of yours.”
“Like what?”
“Like asking Lil Thug to give us an exclusive interview!”
“You really want to taint our noble cause by giving that idiot a platform?”
“For your information, Chiquita, that ‘idiot’ is only one of the most successful rappers in the world. If we can get an exclusive one-on-one with him, it would mean—”
“A lot of money. Yes, I know.”
Oren stared out across the ocean, his jaw working, his face a thundercloud. He turned to his partner. “Chiquita, we’re almost broke! This trip is costing us an arm and a leg!”
“I know, but excuse me for having principles, and excuse me f
or not being a sellout like you.”
“You take that back, Chiquita Könönen.”
“It’s the truth!”
“Oh, dear,” I said, as I gave Dooley a gentle nudge. “I think we better leave these two alone, Dooley.”
“Yes, they don’t seem to get along very well, do they?”
“No, they certainly don’t.”
And so we discreetly skedaddled. If there’s one thing that can mar the perfect honeymoon it’s the presence of a warring couple, and so we both decided not to tell Odelia about this little incident. They’d come here to enjoy a wonderful honeymoon, and we were going to make sure they got exactly what they wanted—smooth sailing.
Start reading Purrfect Cruise now
About Nic
Nic has a background in political science and before being struck by the writing bug worked odd jobs around the world (including but not limited to massage therapist in Mexico, gardener in Italy, restaurant manager in India, and Berlitz teacher in Belgium).
When he’s not writing he enjoys curling up with a good (comic) book, watching British crime dramas, French comedies or Nancy Meyers movies, sampling pastry (apple cake!), pasta and chocolate (preferably the dark variety), twisting himself into a pretzel doing morning yoga, going for a run, and spoiling his big red tomcat Tommy.
He lives with his wife (and aforementioned cat) in a small village smack dab in the middle of absolutely nowhere and is probably writing his next ‘Mysteries of Max’ book right now.
www.nicsaint.com
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Purrfectly Deadly
Purrfect Revenge
Purrfect Heat
Purrfect Crime
Purrfect Rivalry
Purrfect Peril
Purrfect Secret
Purrfect Alibi
Purrfect Obsession
Purrfect Betrayal
Purrfectly Clueless
Purrfectly Royal
Purrfect Cut
Purrfect Trap