by Rae Kennedy
The place is busy for the middle of the week. It must be a league night because most of the groups are in matching shirts. On either side of me, balls hit the wood floor with thuds. They barrel down the lanes, crashing into the pins, their hollow knocks echoing around the alley.
I focus on the arrows and aim my thumb toward the center as I swing and release my ball. Right down the center—I could never get a bowling ball to do that spinning nonsense. It veers to the right, but I manage to hit eight pins and pick up one on my second try.
Nine out of ten isn’t bad.
“Atta girl!” Nick gives me a high-five as he steps up for his turn.
Maybe I don’t suck as much as I thought? I take a swig of beer back at the table. Haley’s mouth is still full, but she gives me a thumbs up. Eighties classic rock is blaring through the overhead speakers.
“Nice work, birthday girl,” Tuck says with a smile.
“How ‘bout loser buys the next round?”
He lowers his head toward me. “You really like to win, huh?”
I shrug. Nick tips over three pins on his first go. Then he gets a gutter-ball.
“How about girls versus boys?” I offer innocently.
He chuckles quietly. “You’re on.”
Tuck gets a strike.
Haley and I both break one hundred and Nick only gets to the sixties, but Tuck still wins, bowling almost a two-thirty.
He buys our food and drinks anyway, saying it’s my birthday. And seeing as he’s the only one of us who’s not a poor college student, we don’t argue.
* * *
My thighs crush Tuck’s head as I come in his mouth, his tongue still lapping me up as if he can’t get enough, even as the orgasm crests and dissolves away.
He presses a few final kisses then climbs back over me, his lips puffy and glistening. I’m still panting for him as I pull his face to mine. I can taste myself on his lips. I grab at his back and wrap my legs around him, dying for more contact. More skin. More of him. My sex clenches with need.
“Tuck, I want you.” I bite at his lip. “In me. Right now.” I’m so wet, I know if he slid himself inside me it would feel so good—for both of us.
He intakes a sharp breath. His hand roams to my thigh, squeezing as it moves up to cup my ass. I can barely see him in the dark, but he shakes his head.
“But it’s my birthday,” I pout.
He kisses my lips, then my cheek, down to my jaw and just under my ear.
“If I get inside you, I'll never want out.” His breath makes my skin tingle. “I won’t be able to let you go.” He continues kissing down my neck.
And I am leaving. I graduate in three weeks. I'm so selfish.
“Let me go down on you then. Please. I want to make you feel good too.” Even my voice is needy.
“I got plenty of pleasure out of that, trust me.”
I pull his face away from my neck and hold it in front of me, our lips almost touching. “Tuck. I want to suck your cock. I want to make you come in my mouth. And I'm going to lick up every last drop.”
His face goes slack, and he sits back on his heels. “Have I told you how much I like your dirty mouth?”
“You’ll like it even more when it’s around you.”
He smiles coyly at me. “Okay, you win.”
Kneeling before me, he hooks his thumbs into the elastic of his boxers. The heat in my core starts to throb just thinking about seeing him for the first time. But he doesn't pull them down. Instead, he stops and lets out a long breath, not meeting my stare.
Come on already. “Is there something wrong?” I ask. He’s never even let me see his cock. “Something you don't want me to see? I've never had to beg a guy to let me give him a blowjob before.”
He lets out a hard laugh as he runs a hand through his short hair. “No. There's nothing wrong...technically. But it has scared a couple girls away.”
“I'm not afraid of your penis, Tuck. I promise I won't run away.”
“Promise?” He looks genuinely worried.
I nod as he slides down his boxers, revealing his length. He’s only partially erect, but it is massive. I mean, wow. My mouth is agape, and I have no words.
It's like one of those giant dildos I’m convinced are only purchased as gag gifts because no woman would seriously buy one of those things to pleasure herself. I'm, frankly, relieved he is not trying to put that in me right now.
But then I see his face. His lips are down-turned, his jaw set, eyes looking down at the mattress.
“Oh, Tuck.” I go to him, putting my hand to his cheek and touching my lips to his. He wraps an arm around my waist and kisses me back, hard.
I lower my other hand to him, gripping firmly at his base. I can’t even wrap my fingers all the way around it. It’s hot and smooth. I slide my hand up his shaft and he clutches my hip as I rub my thumb over his sensitive tip. His cock stiffens and grows even thicker.
Fuck, it’s huge. But stroking him—making him shudder—is such a turn-on.
I love how he whimpers when I take the head of his cock into my hot mouth. I suck and kiss and lick his length as I pump with both hands.
“Fuck, Court.”
His fingers are twisted in my hair, but they’re not forceful or demanding. They’re caressing, encouraging. He starts thrusting his hips up and I take him deeper down my throat, gurgling and gasping with him.
“Oh my god, I’m—” The hand in my hair stills as his erection pulses. Warm, sweet liquid fills my mouth and I swallow it down as I continue to milk it out of him, licking up every last drop, just like I promised.
* * *
We lay uncovered, my head nestled in the crook of his shoulder.
Tuck brushes strands away from my forehead and he combs his fingers through my long hair. He strokes my head and I listen to the slow thump of his heart under my ear. I like how he lays naked with me, not concerned with covering himself and I can’t help as my gaze drifts toward his large cock, which rests across his hip. I could think of a thousand ways to worship his body and that beautiful erection.
“Court?”
“Tuck?”
He pauses and his heart starts to beat faster beneath me.
“Will you go on a date with me?”
“A date?” Aren’t we passed that?
“Yes. I want to take you on a real, non-group, pick-you-up-at-your-door, romantic date.”
My heart is racing.
This is a bad decision, but...
“Okay.”
I won’t be able to let you go.
* * *
Our server, Veronica, sets my meal on the table and my mouth immediately begins to water. I ordered angel hair pasta with scallops tossed in a buttercream sauce. I look over to Tuck’s ginger-soy-glazed salmon fillet with herbed rice and my stomach rumbles.
We each take several bites of our dinner with lots of delighted sounds.
“This is so freaking good.”
“Oh my god, yes.”
We look at each other for a moment, then switch plates. The pleasured moaning starts again as we eat our new dinners.
It hasn’t been much different from any other meal we’ve had together—except this time we are sitting on the same side of the booth. Tuck’s arm rests on the cushion behind my back and we are close enough our thighs are pressed together. I don’t think my hand has left his knee.
He leans in and kisses my cheek as I take a sip of my sparkling wine. He lingers there for a second and I think he’s smelling my hair, or skin, or...okay. It’s not been like any other time we’ve been out in public. To anyone watching, we are clearly together, and I love the thought. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much.
He had picked me up right at seven, wearing a deep green quarter-zip sweater and dark jeans. He’s never looked more handsome. I left my hair down and straight, only putting on mascara and my favorite red lipstick. In the same breath, Tuck had complimented the lipstick and complained he wouldn’t be able to kiss me all night without s
mearing it.
“Too full for dessert?” Tuck asks me as he pulls away.
“Oh, Tucker. There’s always room for dessert.”
He smiles. “Want to go get some fro-yo?”
“Only if you never call it that again.”
* * *
We walk to a bench and sit with our cups. I have vanilla drizzled with syrup-y strawberries. Tuck, on the other hand, has three different kinds of yogurt. It’s full of candy, cookies, brownie chunks and smothered in hot chocolate and caramel sauce.
“That looks good,” he says, leaning over to look in my cup. Before I realize what he’s doing, he has his spoon in my yogurt and steals a huge scoop.
“Hey! You’ve got your own!”
“Mmm,” he hums, his mouth full of my treat. “Here.” He holds his overflowing cup toward me. Shit, it looks amazing too. I take a bite of his and he smiles happily.
We share our yogurt and sit on the bench long past when we’ve finished.
Though it is almost May, the evenings are still chilly after the sun sets. I cuddle to Tuck’s side and he wraps a warm arm around my shoulders as we look out at the stars that are just starting to glint against the dark sky.
“Umm...” He breaks the silence as he feels around for something in his pocket. “I meant to give this to you on your birthday, but, I don’t know—” His voice is shaky, and he fumbles with the little black box in his hand. “I guess I chickened out, but here.”
He hands me the thin, square box. My fingers are cold and don’t want to work as I open it slowly. On a pillow of white satin is a delicate pendant necklace. It’s a simple white gold chain with a single diamond in the shape of a heart. Even in the dim light, the facets of the heart-cut diamond glitter with brilliance.
“Tuck, it’s...beautiful.” Holy shit. “But—” I look up to meet his eyes.
“But what?”
“It’s just...this is a gift you give a girlfriend.” Like a serious girlfriend.
“Well, that’s the other thing I want to talk about.”
* * *
“Tuck, I’m leaving in three weeks.”
“I don’t care. I don’t want to pretend you’re anything else but mine.” He puts the truck in gear, and we pull out onto the street to go home.
“Can’t we enjoy our last few weeks without—”
“No.”
“Tuck, please.”
“Do you have feelings for me?”
“Yes. You know I do. I just don’t see how we could make a relationship—” But then he turns left when he should be going right.
We’re not driving to his house.
He’s taking me back to my apartment.
“No, Tuck. Don’t do this...” Tears well in my eyes as we come up to my street. “Please. Don’t.”
He parks in front of my building, looking straight ahead. We sit silent for a minute.
“I can’t do it anymore, Court.”
A drop spills to my cheek and I nod when he turns to me. He’s right. What we’ve been doing isn’t fair.
He wipes the tear away with his thumb. I close my eyes to savor the feel of his fingertips to my skin, only to have more tears fall.
“You really do look beautiful tonight,” he whispers. “Can I walk you to your door?”
I shake my head. I don’t know how to react to any of this right now. I grip the door handle, but I don’t want to open it. I don’t want to step out of this truck. I notice the black box sticking out of my purse, and I touch the little heart-shaped diamond resting on my chest.
“I should give this back to you.” I reach for the clasp behind my neck.
“Fuck, no.” His eyebrows are furrowed. “I didn’t give it to you as a condition of you being my girlfriend. It’s a birthday gift. It’s yours.”
“But I don’t—”
“Then sell it if you don’t want it.” He turns away, his jaw clenching.
“I do want it,” I say. I want you is what I don’t say.
I climb out of the truck and he shifts into reverse. I don’t want him to go.
“Tuck—” But I don’t know what to say.
He locks his hard gaze on me. “You know,” he says calmly, “I would have done anything to make it work between us. I would have gone to the ends of the earth to overcome the distance. But you’re right. It wouldn’t have worked. Because all I needed was for you to feel the same.”
CHAPTER 16
I’ve been so busy these last few weeks of school, I haven’t even had time to miss him.
That’s a lie.
I miss him every time I get in bed.
I miss him every time I wake up.
I miss him every time I think about going for a run.
I miss him every time I hear something funny and can’t share it with him.
I miss him every time I touch the little heart pendant on my necklace.
And I’ve missed him every single second of every single day.
But I have been busy, that is true. I’ve been amazingly productive because when I can’t sleep, I study. And—I haven’t been sleeping.
I cross off the last thing in my planner. I place it in a box with other books I want to keep. Almost everything is already packed, taken down from the walls.
I am officially done.
School is over.
Graduation is in two days.
And then I’m going back home. For good. It’s a thought that used to bring joy to my heart. Going home—to where I know everyone, where everything is comfortable, predictable. Home—where there might be more cows in the county than people and no one is too busy to stop and say hi and ask about your mother. Home—where my family is. Where Wes is.
Now, going home means leaving here. Leaving him.
* * *
The night before graduation, Nick, Caleb, and I celebrate by drinking cheap beer and ordering a pizza. We sit on the floor in our empty apartment, the furniture sold or moved out earlier today when Nick’s parents came with their truck. Gilbert is weaving between us, rubbing our legs with his cheeks and tail to entice extra petting. Caleb scratches behind one of his ears, giving the cat a rare smile.
In hours, we will all be starting new adventures. Nick has an internship at his uncle’s office in the city and Caleb is moving across the country. I realize I have no idea when I’ll see them again after tomorrow. Maybe I won’t ever.
I didn’t know saying goodbye would be so hard.
In the morning my parents arrive early.
“Not everyone is a morning butterfly like you.” Nick yawns, standing in his doorway, his wavy hair disheveled.
“My parents offered to take us to breakfast before we have to get ready for graduation. You wanna come?”
“Well, you did get me up already, so...”
Caleb declines, saying he’s got to meet up with his grandparents who will otherwise get lost. We don’t typically hug, but I make sure to give him one just in case. And he hugs me back, tight. Nick tells Gilbert to behave while we are out, giving him kisses while the kitty lays stretched across the carpeted floor.
We meet my parents at The Bistro.
I wasn’t going to, but I order the damn cinnamon roll. It makes my heart ache a little, but it’s still fucking delicious.
* * *
I search through the sea of black gowns and graduation caps with golden tassels. Everyone is smiling, throwing their arms around one another, excited to be done, graduated, ready for our real lives to begin.
I see my dad first. He’s usually easy to pick out in a crowd. Mom is next to him and then all my siblings are waving frantically at me as they bombard me with hugs and congratulations.
I spot Nick across the room with his parents and his eight-year-old twin sisters. Haley runs up to me, her ridiculously large camera slung around her neck, and I wrap my arms around her.
“I didn’t know if you’d make it. Thank you for being here.”
“Of course I’d come. You’re my best friend.”
“He’s not here,” she says quietly.
“I know.”
I didn’t think he would be, but I can’t help looking for his tall figure and hope.
“Hale, about Tuck... I’m sorry. I know you said—”
There’s a hard lump in my throat and I’m grateful when she chimes in.
“It’s okay. It will be okay.”
* * *
My family leaves after dinner. I was supposed to follow in my Jeep. The plan was to be at home in my own bed tonight, not curled up on the floor of my empty apartment bedroom with just a suitcase and a few blankets.
But I told them I wanted to stay one more night.
I couldn’t leave quite yet.
I said goodbye to Caleb.
I said goodbye to Nick and Gilbert.
I said goodbye to Haley.
In the morning I will say goodbye to my apartment and then I will say goodbye to this little college town.
But I need to say goodbye to him.
I think I slept at some point during the night, but right now I am just wrapped up in these blankets, staring at the ceiling, waiting for it to be an acceptable enough hour to knock on his door.
It’s a little after five. Is that too early? Yes.
Okay, it’s six. No, not yet.
Now it’s seven and I can’t wait any longer.
* * *
Staring at his front door, I don’t know what to do next. I’ve been staring at it so long, the dark-stained woodgrain seems like it’s moving, hypnotizing me.
Knock. I should knock. I’ve been standing on the porch too long. But what am I doing here? Like, what am I going to say? “Hi, I came over to say bye.” I want to leave things better between us than we did that night in the truck. I want to hug him. But maybe I’m being selfish.
I knock.
I knocked too soft—there’s no way he would have heard it.
I knock again.
My hands are sweaty.
I think there are footsteps.
My heart is thumping so hard.
Maybe it’s Haley. Yeah. But I think she said she was leaving yesterday to visit her mom before summer classes start in a couple of weeks.