by J. J. McAvoy
She sniffled and looked to me with her dark eyes. “It is nice, isn’t it?”
I laughed and nodded. “Yes, it is, and there are cameras outside. Do you really want to ruin it?”
She laughed with me. We were both being silly but at least we were laughing. She hugged me awkwardly.
DUN-DUN-DUN-DUNNNN!
“Jesus Christ!” She jumped away from me and stared at my phone as it vibrated and played Beethoven's Symphony No. 5 in C minor.
“My mother,” I told her as I reached over to silence the call. “I wanted to block her but I figured she’d call Adith or come here making a scene again.”
“Yeah, I heard about that. Is everything okay?”
“With me? Yes. With her? I have no idea,” I replied. I never knew what was going on with her. Was it my job to know? At what point did you have to cut your own mother off? She’d never been there for me. I’d gone from never seeing or hearing from her, to hearing from her every day now. The never ending onslaught of pain she inflicted left me exhausted. And yet a small part of me—the child in me—was happy because she could never deny me now. I was her child and we were family. She needed me. She couldn’t run from me anymore. It was wrong. We were both holding each other hostage and it was going to end badly, how could it not? Both of us could not go on like this but what was the solution? I had no idea. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever have an idea.
“Esther? Esther?”
“Huh?” I looked to her only to find her staring directly in my face. “Sorry, what were you saying?”
“Nothing, but it looked like you were going to another world there for a minute.”
If she only knew.
Knock. Knock.
“Come in.”
Howard stepped inside but froze as his hazel eyes shifted between the both of us. I could tell he was unsure of how to act but Li-Mei stood up and said, “She knows, don’t be awkward.”
Howard looked to me and I smiled and nodded, which made him relax a little. I appreciated that he was awkward instead of pretending as if nothing was amiss here. It meant I was right to care and see the overarching good in them. Neither of them had betrayed me and yet they were still concerned about hurting my feelings.
“Did you need something?” I asked him.
“Oh right,” he shook his head then nodded it back behind him. “He’s done.”
“What? Already?” I got up and marched towards the door.
He stood in the center of seating area taking pictures with a forced half-assed smile on his face. He looked exhausted for someone who hadn’t even spent fifteen minutes talking.
He was as handsome as always, though even more so because I’d gotten to dress him. When we were in Montana he’d pretty much stuck with dark jeans, his V-neck shirts, his favorite leather jacket, and boots whenever he’d gone out. When inside, he rarely wore a shirt—not that I was complaining. I think I actually enjoyed his old style too much, that’s why I’d chosen clothes that were the opposite of what I had gotten accustomed to seeing him in. I had traded his leather jacket for a gray blazer, his V-neck for a blue button down, and his jeans for tailored pants, making him look as if he just walked off a GQ cover shoot, while happening to match me perfectly…perfect except for the fact that this wasn’t really us. This was the work us. The causal side of us was reserved for each other…and Lieber Falls.
He looked up from shaking Rita’s hand and our eyes met. And just like that, everything I’d come out to say to him fled my mind. The corner of his lip turned up and as if he was oblivious to those around him—those who were rushing to pull out their books for him to sign, and those who openly gawked at him—he walked past them all to get to me. Time seemed to slow, and every step he took changed the world around us.
One step, he was in the middle of the publishing house, walking to me as I stood beside my office door. The next, his black hair grew long, his dark eyes became slanted, and he stood clad in black just outside the Palace of Heavenly Purity. And I, the Palace of Earthly Tranquility. He held a sword in his hand, and I held a sword in mine.
I watched my mind split between these two realities—contemporary New York and 17th century Beijing—as he made his way toward me. The hand he used to absentmindedly autograph the books of those who crossed his path was the same hand he used to strike down the guards that stood in his way within the Hall of Union. His hand moved fast both times, the pen glided over the page of the paper, already on to the next, while his sword simultaneously tore through flesh two at a time. I, on the other hand, held a sword that was busy cutting down those in black, those dressed like him!
“Esther?” “Princess?”
I heard both names, felt both hands grab my arm, and turned to see the same two faces, Li-Mei’s, here and then, the only difference being her hair color. I turned back to look at Malachi and saw that he was unable to get further due to the sheer number of people around him just like his past self. More guards flooded in front of me, forcing him and those he came with to retreat, just before doing so he looked up to me.
“You’re making it a bit obvious, aren’t you?” Li-Mei asked me.
I had to blink a few times as the second world drifted away and all I could see was the present. But my emotions hadn’t caught up yet, I still felt the terror within myself that had arisen at the realization that the distance between us was more than intangible space but that of tangible circumstance. A Princess and rebel.
“We are not them,” I whispered to myself.
“Huh?” Li-Mei asked me.
I shook my head and, shaking off her hand, I walked forward, repeating those words over and over again—we are not them. We were them but this wasn’t 17th century Beijing and I was not the Warrior Princess, daughter of the Emperor of who had executed his father, and he was not the Warrior Rebel who had helped to bring down the empire. I was Esther, a publisher, and he was Malachi, an author, both of us equally sufficient and insignificant at the same time. Both of us openly in a relationship now, which is why when I said, “I’m sure we have other authors to worry about!” Those around him rushed away which allowed me to step right beside him.
He smiled. “Careful or people might start to think you’re my girlfriend or something.”
I want to joke back but all I could do was stretch out my hand. The smile on his face faded a little, but as he looked into my eyes, he saw something, and whatever it was, I was grateful because he immediately took my hand and pulled me closer to him.
“We are not them.”
21. UNMERCIFUL
MALACHI
The city passed by in a blur and she remained silent as she gazed out the window. The setting sun cast a golden hue that reflected on the glass towers around us and gleamed through the gaps in alleyways as if the sun was trying its best to infiltrate the city one more time before setting into the horizon.
“Esther,” I called out and she jumped slightly before looking over to me. “Where are you right now?”
“Here,” she said sitting up straighter and taking my hand as the car pulled to a stop. “I’m right here with you.”
Taking her hand, I kissed the back of it before I opened the door and stepped out in front of her building.
“You know I’ve never brought a boy home before. Grandpa would have lost it,” she laughed and pulled me towards the revolving doors.
“I’ve been here before, remember?” I reminded her, allowing her to drag me.
“That was different. You came uninvited.” She nodded to the security guard before taking me to the elevator.
“It’s not my fault every time you see me you fall into my arms—ouch!”
“That was only twice!” She held two fingers up for me to see.
“Twice in this lifetime,” I teased as we got into the elevator. “I have to say, you aren’t as light as I remember though.”
Her mouth dropped open and I could feel the oncoming firestorm. Yet I grinned happily as the silver doors closed, but not before I n
oticed the quick glance the security guard gave us before picking up the phone and dialing. I wasn’t sure why I’d noticed it, but my instincts told me…told me that something wasn’t right.
“And don’t even get me started on those damn corsets, they were invented by men just so they could feel us up once we fainted from the lack of oxygen—are you even listening to me? Malachi?”
“Huh?” I looked back at her. She stared directly back at me and eyed me carefully. “Sorry, you’re so beautiful everything goes in one ear and out the other.”
She tried to hold a straight face but snorted before she covered her mouth and laughed. “Oh, that was so cheesy!”
“That was a classic romantic line, thank you very much!” I smirked.
“Yeah from 1910,” she muttered, glancing up as we reached the floor of her apartment. But before she could walk out I stepped in front of her and came face to face with a woman who looked just like Esther, only twenty years older. She had short black hair and was dressed in a sleeveless, velvet jumpsuit. She flinched at the sight of me but stood straighter at the sight of Esther. Her jaw locked and her eyes hardened as she placed the straps of her red purse over her shoulder.
“Mom….” Esther’s voice drifted as she stared at the woman in front of us.
“Esther.” She took a deep breath. “I was just coming to see you—”
“Then why are you exiting my apartment?” Esther asked glancing over her shoulder at the door that hadn’t closed all the way.
However, her mother simply ignored her as her brown eyes locked on to me. “And who the hell are you? Your grandfather’s gone so you’re just bringing men over—?”
“What did you take?!” Esther snapped as she stepped in front of me and reached for her mother’s bag.
“DO NOT TOUCH ME!” She hollered as she tried to tug her purse away. But nothing was going to stop Esther in that moment. It was as if she were blinded by rage and she gripped and tugged so hard that the snap broke and the purse fell onto the carpet. And as it landed, it opened up and all of Alfred’s watches and a few pieces of jewelry fell out.
They both froze for a moment before Esther bit her lip. She nodded to me as she wiped her nose. “Malachi, call the police.”
“The police?” Her mother laughed as she stepped back and looked at me. “Go ahead white boy, call the police. Please. Go ahead, call the police and tell them what, sweetheart? That I took my stuff from my father’s home?!”
“IT’S NOT YOURS!” Esther screamed at her. “HE LEFT YOU WITH NOTHING! HE GAVE YOU NOTHING! BECAUSE YOU ARE NOTHING!”
“WHAT DOES THAT MAKE YOU THEN? HUH?! THE BIGGEST REGRET OF NOTHING! THE SCUM OF NOTHING—”
I saw it coming and grabbed her wrist before her palm hit the side of Esther’s face. Looking down on the woman, I brought her hand down to her side as I stepped between Esther and her mother. I bent down to pick up the watches and the jewelry before I put it back into her purse. Holding the purse out to her she stared at it for a moment before snatching it out of my hands.
“Forget it.” She sneered as she dumped everything back out onto the ground in front of Esther. “Happy now, Esther? Or do you want to see me in handcuffs too? Maybe out starving on the street—”
“If you need nothing else, here is the elevator,” I said as I pressed the button for her. Since we’d just come up, the elevators sprang open. She looked to me and I tried not to hate her for the pain she was inflicting. I tried to make her realize how unimportant she was, however, she just had to open her mouth again.
“Don’t think you’re the first man trying to fuck for what our families got. You—”
“GET OUT!” I hissed as I grabbed her by the arm and threw her into the elevator. “Do you think you’re the first woman who has ever suffered? Do you think that your pain gives you the right to give others pain? You are not and it does not. Know that everything you do comes back to you!”
“I’ll remember you!” She pointed at me before the doors closed. “Just watch.”
Grinding my teeth together, I waited until I was sure the elevators were going down before I turned back to Esther, who was kneeling as she quietly picked up her grandfather’s wristwatches, tie clips, cufflinks, and what I could only guess was her own jewelry. She lifted a pair of mistletoe earrings still in the box and just stared at them. Walking over I knelt beside her to help pick everything up.
“So that’s my mom.” She bit her lip and hung her head. “The great Diana Noëlle. I apologize, she’s a bit rude, don’t take it personally, she’s like that to everyone. She’ll warm up when hell freezes over.”
She inhaled deeply before marching back into her apartment. She managed to carry everything to the glass countertop within the living room. Sitting down in front of it, she placed her hands in her hair as she stared down at her grandfather’s things.
“A hundred-grand…she came here to steal a hundred-grand’s worth of stuff,” she laughed bitterly. “Do you know how much she gets a month for doing nothing but embarrassing and insulting me? These aren’t even worth anything.” Her hands trembled as she lifted the mistletoe earrings again.
As she spoke I locked the door before moving to sit beside her.
“When I was six, my grandfather took me to the mall to get my ears pierced for Christmas. He got a phone call and was distracted so I went into the toy store. I got lost, and I couldn’t find him, I got scared, and just when I heard this song come on, he found me. He was so upset and so scared that I wasn’t allowed to get my ears pierced anymore. But he gave me these mistletoe earrings and promised he’d take me next time. The next year, in the same mall, we got separated again. This time it wasn’t my fault. He was the one who’d gotten lost, and when I started to get scared again I started to sing Baby It's Cold Outside, and wham, just like that he appeared in front of me. I thought it was the coolest magic trick in the whole world,” she sniffed and blinked her tears away.
Reaching up, I touched her earlobe. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
She’s so beautiful, I thought as she raised her eyebrow in confusion. Reaching up, I wiped her tears. She really was a crybaby and the fact that she knew and tried so hard not to cry was so endearing to me. Everything about her made me love her more, even her anger.
“I’m sorry because I keep forgetting you’re Alfred’s granddaughter.” It explained a lot now actually. But then again hindsight was always 20/20. I understood that she was the granddaughter to the man who’d been like a father to me, but deep down she wasn’t anything but mine. She was my past and present love, so I often forgot about Alfred’s relation to her. That was one thing, this was another. “That Christmas, your grandfather didn’t get lost. He’d actually asked—bothered me—until I agreed to spend time with the both of you during the holidays. When I got to the mall I was fine, but then I had one of the strongest memories I’d ever had. It was painful and I ended up hiding in one of the stores and called him. I was afraid I’d pass out and end up in a hospital. He stayed with me for…I have no idea how long before sending me home and heading back to you.”
Her eyes widened as she realized what that meant “I met you when I was seven?”
“Almost.” I touched one of her curls. “I caught a glimpse of your hair and that was it. I think maybe that’s what brought on the memory.”
“I’m sorry but I’m kind of happy too. Does that make me selfish?” She grinned as she reached up to touch my face.
“Absolutely.” I winked and she made a face at me. “Am I selfish for loving that you’re selfish for me?”
Her grin widened as she leaned forward and put her head on mine. “No, that makes you crazy.”
“Ahh,” I whispered as I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulling her closer to me. “Then I don’t even have to ask, I’m used to being crazy for you.”
“Is that so?” she asked as her lips hovered over mine.
“It is.” I leaned in to kiss her neck.
“
Uhhh,” She moaned and ran her fingers through my hair as my hand moved to the zip down the back of her dress. “Malachi…”
“Hmmm?” I asked against her skin. Kissing her chest, I pulled down her bra.
“We…we made it another day.”
I pulled back to look up at her.
She continued speaking. “This morning you—I was worried, and now we’re here together again.”
The sincerity in her voice, how relieved she was, it hurt. Knowing she’d spent the day like I did, worrying if this was the end. For all the strength she demanded of me and us, deep down she was scared. Tucking my arm under her legs I lifted her up and took her towards the bedroom. Walking across the hardwood floor I laid us both in the center of her bed.
“You’re right, we made it,” I whispered, though a voice spoke out in the back of my mind to remind me that anything could happen at any point in time. However, I’d never given in to that fear before and I wouldn’t give in to it now, not with her in my arms. “So, let’s celebrate now, tomorrow, every night for the rest of our long lives.”
Bending over, I kissed right above her breast, over her heart and continued to work my way down from there.
ESTHER
Stop? Think straight? Did they not know that loving her was never an option I chose? Like flowers that bloom in the spring and leaves that drop in fall, it was uncontrollable, it was my nature. I put no conscious effort into it. I could only love her and be forever honored by the love she gave me in return. My love for her ached from the core of my being and spread outward to the rest of me. It kept me warm in frozen waters and cool in scorching lands. I was sure if they cut me open I’d bleed love for her. If any man should love, I’d warn them to do so with the utmost caution, for they would no longer be men but slaves. And slavery is contrary to every man’s philosophy. It was madness. But what is love if not madness? Tell me what other emotion drives a man to betray his basic instinct to survive? Where no rational thought mattered if it did not contain her. From the first moment our eyes met, I knew that I belonged to her. And yet it was her who had first declared she was mine in body, soul, and mind, chaining her heart to my heart, and cementing our love to infinity. Love is the butterfly in Pandora’s box.