by Jane Nelsen
Crib mobiles took on a whole new look when someone had the good sense to look up at what a child was seeing. The cute little animals the adult saw swirling through the air looked like shapeless slivers of moving color when seen from below. Today’s versions aim visual images downward, emphasizing the bold black-and-white graphics that babies find attractive.
A child’s world shimmers with delightful, distracting images, sounds, and textures. The best way to be sure a tiny person realizes that you are talking to her is to make eye contact. Get down on her level, look into those curious eyes, and speak directly to her.
Are you still down on the floor? If another adult is handy, reach up and take his hand for a moment. Imagine going for a nice long walk through the nearest shopping mall in this position. What parents often perceive as defiant yanking away may simply be a child trying to get some circulation back into her hand and arm! In addition, adults have much longer legs than their little ones; children almost always have to run to keep up. No wonder they lag behind us or run away to find their own pace.
It can be frustrating to be a small person whose hands won’t quite do the tasks they’re expected to. Often children want very much to help, to dress themselves, and to do other tasks around the house, but the sheer mechanics are beyond them. The result is a frustrated, angry child—and a frustrated, angry parent. This does not create a positive atmosphere where learning can take place. How might you feel if everything you tried was a little beyond your ability to succeed—and you were criticized for the efforts you made? You might give up and start “misbehaving” out of sheer frustration. Later we will talk more about expectations, encouragement, and celebrating small steps.
A CHILD’S CONCEPTS OF REALITY AND FANTASY ARE DIFFERENT FROM THOSE OF AN ADULT
Did you know that when you walk out of your infant’s line of sight, you have ceased to exist? That the toy accidentally dropped on the floor has disappeared forever? The concept that objects are permanent hasn’t developed yet. Separation anxiety begins when babies understand that their parents always exist, and they don’t like being separated from them. As soon as they understand that the toy still exists, they get frustrated and cry when it is taken away.
In the same way, a young child experiments with his imagination in order to explore and learn. Our young friend Daniel may not have seen a lion in his backyard, but he may have seen the neighbor’s cat. Or he may have watched a cartoon about lions in the jungle. Or his picture book may have included lions and their cubs. Daniel’s lion wasn’t a “lie” but the product of a vivid imagination with a dash of creativity. The line between fantasy and reality remains blurred throughout the first few years of a child’s life.
Fantasy may also be a child’s way of getting in touch with feelings for which he doesn’t yet have words, a way of exploring his own inner being. The lion in the backyard may be another way of expressing a fear of being alone. Careful listening (more about that later) and acceptance from his parents will help him to understand his feelings, learn to sort them out, and find healthy ways of dealing with them.
PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE FAR BEYOND THE REACH OF MOST YOUNG CHILDREN
Think back for a moment to when you were a child. Remember how long it took for your birthday to arrive? Have you noticed how much the entire process seems to speed up, the older you become?
Time moves far more slowly for an eager child than it does for an adult. Adults must learn that units of time simply don’t have the same meaning for children. For young Daniel, five minutes may seem like an eternity, and he is sure that Mom takes far too long to do everything. Yes, children need to learn patience, but parents need to be patient long enough to let them learn. It’s not realistic to expect toddlers to sit still for long periods of time, in church or even for storytelling time.
Jimmy was an extremely bright eighteen-month-old. One night, his parents took him to a drive-in for ice cream. A week later, the family drove past the drive-in and Jimmy shouted excitedly, “We went there yesterday!” His father scolded Jimmy for lying. But Jimmy wasn’t lying; his father didn’t understand child development, and so didn’t realize that Jimmy simply hadn’t mastered the concept of time yet. With more understanding, his father would have been delighted at Jimmy’s developing memory instead of concerned about his “untruthfulness.”
BOYS AND GIRLS: DOES GENDER MATTER?
One of the first questions you’re likely to be asked when you announce you have a new baby in the family is “What is it?” These curious folks aren’t asking about the species; they’re wondering about gender. Is it a boy or a girl? Did you have a preference?
Why does gender matter so much? Well, gender involves much more than whether you dress your baby in blue or pink. There are some significant differences in male and female children (especially early in life); there also may be differences in the ways parents talk, touch, and relate to boys and girls.
In most ways, girls and boys are more alike than different. Boys and girls both need love, belonging, and encouragement. They need to develop good character and social and life skills. Girls and boys need kind, firm discipline and connection with parents and caring adults. Cultural differences and beliefs play an important role in how boys and girls develop. Still, because a baby’s brain is exposed to sex hormones during pregnancy, some gender differences appear to be part of the way children are wired.
Understanding Your Child’s World
• A child learns about the world by doing.
• A child’s frustration due to a lack of abilities or skills may be labeled as misbehavior.
• A child’s developmental need to explore and experiment may be labeled as misbehavior.
• Young children rarely misbehave purposely.
• A child’s birth order affects how she sees the world.
• A child’s physical size and abilities have a strong influence on behavior.
• A child’s concepts of reality and fantasy are different from those of an adult.
• Patience is a virtue far beyond the reach of most young children.
THE TRUTH ABOUT BOYS AND GIRLS
You may be surprised to learn that baby boys actually appear to be more fragile at birth than do baby girls. Male infants appear to be more easily stressed and more susceptible to health problems. They are often “fussier” than girls; they cry more easily and seem to have a harder time learning to calm themselves down (what is sometimes called “self-soothing”). Baby boys may be more sensitive to changes in routine, and to parental anger or depression.
They also may experience more separation anxiety and may seem more “emotional” than girls.
Female infants, on the other hand, tend to make eye contact sooner than boys do. They often acquire language skills before boys, and have more mature social and emotional skills in the first few years of life. Girls also may develop fine motor skills sooner than boys. Research has shown that parents tend to speak to, touch, and cuddle female infants and toddlers more often than boys. As children grow into their toddler years, boys appear to be more impulsive; they learn self-control more slowly, they are more physically active, and yes, they tend to be more aggressive, curious, impulsive, and competitive than little girls.3 Needless to say, parents and preschool teachers may prefer the more “obedient” behavior of little girls—which can teach little boys unintended lessons about their place in the world.
It’s worth remembering that most gender differences are based on generalizations, and each child is special and unique. By the time your child goes off to school, these differences will have largely evened themselves out.
PARENTS AND GENDER
Parents have a strong influence on how young children develop gender identity. Your baby wasn’t born knowing that he is a boy or that she is a girl—or what those words mean. If the culture insists that boys be “strong and silent” (and unfortunately, it often does), parents may instinctively try to “toughen up” their sons early in life. If girls are expected to enj
oy quiet play and develop early writing skills, a parent may overlook her daughter’s athletic ability and miss opportunities to encourage it. Please give your child the benefit of all possibilities. Your little girl can be strong, and your son compassionate.
Many children do not fit neatly into “boy” or “girl” categories; in fact, it is typical at this age for children to experiment with different roles, toys, and identities. For some children, typical gender identities will never be a comfortable fit and they will need patience, encouragement, and deep acceptance as they learn to live in a world that has many expectations for who they will be.
Each culture (as reflected in its music, movies, toys, and clothing) has a great deal to say about how girls and boys “should” look and behave. We associate names, colors, jobs, and even musical instruments with either boys or girls; most of these lessons are absorbed early in life, long before children are consciously aware of what they are deciding. Research appears to indicate that boys and girls are healthier when they develop the ability to be both strong and kind, as well as courageous and compassionate.
At some point during your child’s early years, take time to explore what you believe about gender. What “should” little boys be like? Little girls? How can you best nurture the strengths and sensitivities of your own special little one? Getting into your child’s world and understanding his development will help you teach, encourage, and comfort your own unique child.
DEVELOPMENT? OR MISBEHAVIOR?
As you have learned, one of the challenges in parenting a young child is understanding the difference between normal development and intentional behavior. There is no one “right” answer for many everyday parenting dilemmas, but resist valuing quick (often temporary) results over the development of slower (long-term) life skills. There is more and more research demonstrating that nonpunitive methods are more effective in the long term than punishment, even though punishment may seem to generate immediate results. You and your child will both benefit when you and your other caregivers learn all you can about growth and development, and come to know each unique child. Learn to trust your innate wisdom as a parent. No expert or book (including this one) can give you all the answers—although, as you will learn throughout this book, Positive Discipline tools and principles will help you guide and encourage your child during these first important years.
QUESTIONS TO PONDER
1. Take time to think about the behavior challenges you experience with your baby or toddler. How many of those “misbehaviors” can you attribute to her age and development? How many can she actually control?
2. When you were expecting, did you hope for a girl or a boy? Why? What do you believe is important about your child’s gender? If your child does not fit your expectations, how can you learn to offer encouragement and connection for the person your child actually is?
1 See Bruce H. Lipton, The Biology of Belief (Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2009).
2 For a more detailed understanding of birth order, refer to the Birth Order section of Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, and Chapter 3 of Positive Discipline.
3 Susan Gilbert, A Field Guide to Boys and Girls (New York: Harper Perennial, 2001).
SECTION TWO
YOUR DEVELOPING CHILD
5
HOW DO I BEGIN?
Positive Discipline Tools
The stage is now set; you and your little one have begun the process of growing and learning together and you now understand why connection, respect, and kindness with firmness are so important. But how do you actually do Positive Discipline? If punishment doesn’t work, what does? This chapter will give you the tools you need to build a relationship of cooperation and respect with your child, while guiding her to develop the characteristics and life skills that will serve her throughout her life. We will refer to these tools many times in the chapters ahead, and this chapter can become a handy one-stop reference as you begin to guide and influence your child’s behavior.
Remember, no tool, no matter how helpful, works all the time for all children. As your own unique child grows and changes, you’ll have to return to the drawing board many times, but these ideas will provide a foundation for years of effective parenting. Also, it is important to remember that these tools are not effective if used as techniques to control instead of principles to inspire. The feeling (and attitude) behind what you do is more important than what you do.
Ten Basics for Implementing Positive Discipline
1. Create a connection before a correction.
2. Get children involved:
a. Offer acceptable choices.
b. Provide opportunities to help.
3. Create routines.
4. Teach respect by being respectful.
5. Use your sense of humor.
6. Get into your child’s world.
7. Follow through with kind and firm action: if you say it, mean it, and if you mean it, follow through.
8. Be patient.
9. Provide lots of supervision, distraction, and redirection.
10. Accept your child’s uniqueness.
CONNECTION BEFORE CORRECTION
Because helping children feel a sense of belonging and significance (connection) is the foundation of Positive Discipline, we cannot talk enough about the importance of the relationship you create with your child. Thousands of parents have told us how Positive Discipline has helped them create a more loving relationship with their children (and with the other parent). However, when parents say these tools don’t work, often it is because they have not taken the time to truly connect with their child first.
Connection can take many forms. It can be as simple as saying “I love you and the answer is no” or validating feelings: “I know you don’t want to stop playing, and it is time for bed.” It is helpful to be self-aware and to notice when you find yourself in a power struggle with your child. When that happens, be willing to back away and start over when you have changed your attitude—which will enable your child to change his.
GET CHILDREN INVOLVED
During the first year of life, your child will depend on you for everything. But you may be surprised at how quickly he finds his voice and unique personality. Instead of telling him what to do, find ways to involve him in decisions (in age-appropriate ways, of course) and to draw out what he thinks and perceives. “Curiosity questions” are one way to do this. Ask, “Where do we put your diaper?” “Which book do you want to read?” “What do you think will happen if you push your tricycle over the curb?” or “How should we get ready for childcare?” For a child who is not yet able to talk, say, “Next, we ________,” while kindly and firmly showing her instead of telling her.
Offer Acceptable Choices
Having choices gives children a sense of power: they have the power to choose one possibility or another. Choices also invite a child to use his thinking skills as he contemplates what to do. And, of course, toddlers often love it when choices include an opportunity to help. “What is the first thing we should put away when we get home—the ice cream or the orange juice? You decide.” “Would you like to carry the blanket or the cracker box as we walk to the car? You decide.” Adding “You decide” increases your child’s sense of power. Be sure the choices are developmentally appropriate and that all of the choices you give are options you are comfortable with. When your child wants to do something else, you can say, “That isn’t one of the choices. You can decide between ________ (repeat the choices available).”
Provide Opportunities to Help
Toddlers often resist a command to “go to the car” but respond cheerfully to a request like “I need your help. Will you carry the keys to the car for me?” Activities that might easily have become power struggles and battles can become opportunities for laughter and closeness if you use your instincts and creativity.
CREATE ROUTINES
Young children learn best by repetition and consistency. You can ease the moments of transition in family life by creati
ng reliable routines for your little one. Routines can be created for every event that happens over and over: getting up, bedtime, dinner, shopping, and so on. Then you can say to your child, “Now it’s time for ________.” As soon as your child is old enough, get him involved in helping you create routine charts. These are a kind of “map” (not a sticker or reward chart) that can be illustrated with pictures of your child doing the necessary tasks. Once he’s older, he will love telling you what’s next on his routine chart. If he forgets, avoid telling. Instead ask, “What is next on your routine chart?” Reward charts take away from your child’s inner sense of capability, because the focus is on the reward. Routine charts simply list sequences of events, and act as guidelines for common tasks.
TEACH RESPECT BY BEING RESPECTFUL
Parents usually believe children should show respect to adults, but what about adults showing respect to children? Children learn respect by seeing what it looks like in action. Be respectful when you make requests. Don’t expect a child to do something “right now” when you are interrupting something she is thoroughly engaged in. Give her some warning. “We need to leave the park in two minutes. Do you want to swing one more time or ride the teeter-totter?” Carry a small timer with you or invite her to help you pick out a ringtone on your phone. Then set the timer together for an agreed-upon time. When it goes off, it is time to go.
Remember, too, that shame and humiliation are disrespectful, and a child who is treated with disrespect is likely to return the favor. Kindness and firmness show respect for your child’s dignity, your own dignity, and the needs of the situation.
USE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR
No one ever said parenting had to be boring or unpleasant. Often, laughter is the best way to approach a situation. Learn to laugh together and create games to get unpleasant jobs done quickly. Humor is one of the best—and most enjoyable—parenting tools.