by Jane Nelsen
A parent may feel understandable frustration of her own, and may express that frustration with harsh words. Or she can choose to help her child understand his feelings, give them a label that will help him to identify them in the future, and open the door to a way of dealing with the situation at hand.
Mom might respond like this: “I can see that you feel frustrated because you can’t reach the cookie jar. I feel frustrated when I can’t do something, too. Let’s figure this out together.” Once a child’s feelings are named, validated, and understood, he usually feels better and is more willing to work on solutions. In this instance, Mom and her son figured out that the cookie jar could be placed on a lower shelf within easy reach. They also decided to fill the cookie jar with healthy snacks, such as fruit slices or raisins, so he could help himself anytime. Your child may not always hear or respond to your words, but saying them can help you change your attitude.
Remember, your child was not born with a vocabulary for his emotions. He cannot identify feelings with words and may not understand exactly what his feelings are. Active listening—the art of noticing a child’s feelings and identifying them calmly and clearly with words—is an important step in teaching your child to manage both his emotions and, eventually, his behavior. Even when your child is too young to understand the words themselves, you will be offering clues to the often confusing world of feelings. The day will come when he begins to connect his own emotions with the words you offer and no longer needs to “act out”—at least not as often.
GENDER AND EMOTIONAL LITERACY
For reasons we don’t understand clearly, girls often acquire social, language, and emotional skills sooner than boys do; boys are often more easily upset (and harder to soothe) than girls. In addition, in many cultures, boys hear messages about emotional expression that may make it more difficult for them to identify and manage their own feelings.
Numerous researchers—such as William Pollock, Dan Kindlon, and Michael Thompson—have noted that while little girls are expected to cry, giggle, and express their feelings, adults and peers (intentionally or unintentionally) may give little boys the message that openly expressing emotions such as sadness, fear, or loneliness is “weak.” When they take a tumble and hurt themselves, they are often told something like “You’re okay,” when they don’t feel okay at all. On the other hand, girls are likely to be offered cuddles and gently soothed.
Research has also shown that parents talk more often to daughters than to sons about feelings. (In fact, many parents talk more to girls overall, using more words per day than they speak to boys—and the number of words spoken per day is an important ingredient in school readiness.) With less guidance and encouragement, little boys often develop the belief that having feelings is “wrong.”
Interestingly, while there are indeed gender-based differences in the human brain, emotional sensitivity is not among them. Boys have exactly the same feelings that girls do, and the same need to learn emotional awareness and regulation skills. Kindlon and Thompson call this “emotional literacy,” and believe that an inability to identify and express emotions may be one reason why boys are at greater risk during adolescence for depression, drug and alcohol abuse, dropping out of school, and suicide; it may also explain the high frequency of anger in both adolescent boys and adult men. Cuddling, touching, and talking about feelings will not make your son “weak”—these actions will help your son become a healthy young man. Practice active listening; use lots of “feeling words” in conversation. As your little boy grows up, you will find ways to teach him to understand what he feels—and to choose behavior that is respectful and appropriate.1
DEALING WITH ANGER AND DEFIANCE
There is, perhaps, no emotion that causes more parental concern than a child’s anger. Young children express anger in ways their parents find alarming: having temper tantrums, throwing objects, yelling, hitting, kicking, even biting. (Biting is a common way for children who aren’t yet verbally skilled to express anger or frustration.) All human beings have feelings—lots of them—and all of us, adults and children, need ways to express and understand our feelings.
Does this mean parents should tolerate hitting, yelling, or kicking as acceptable expressions of anger? Of course not. Actions that harm others (or oneself) are not appropriate ways of expressing feelings. Parents and teachers can make an effort to get into the young child’s world and understand it. They can practice active listening to validate and clarify feelings, and they can then teach children to express their anger (which may be justified) in acceptable ways.
Children learn by watching adults. Parents model how to deal with strong feelings when they stand quietly and take some deep breaths instead of reacting immediately to upsets; when they respond to a child who tries to hit without hitting back; or when they walk over to a child, get down on his eye level, and request that he stop a behavior rather than hollering from across the room.
Children learn about anger by:
• Watching how adults behave when angry
• Experiencing how others treat them when angry
• Learning to identify feelings of anger within themselves
It is tempting to respond to anger with anger—to join in the yelling, send kids off to a punitive time-out, or otherwise try to “fix” the angry child. These responses usually escalate the conflict and destroy any opportunity there might have been to teach, to understand, or to find a workable solution to the problem. Ironically, parents may model the opposite of what they want to teach. It is difficult to teach a child to control his behavior if you can’t control your own. Remember, your little one does not have the same understanding of anger that you do. He needs your help both to identify his feelings and to learn to manage and express them in appropriate ways. How can parents and caregivers help an angry child?
How Should You React When Your Child Is Angry?
• Use words to label your child’s feelings.
• Validate the feelings.
• Provide appropriate ways for your child to express his feelings.
USE WORDS TO LABEL YOUR CHILD’S FEELINGS
Use a calm voice and “reflect” to your child what he is feeling. You might say, “Boy, you look angry! I see that your chin is sticking out, your eyebrows are all scrunched up, and your fists are clenched.” Giving these clues helps a child make the connection between how he feels and what he is doing. Obviously, real understanding takes time, but it’s never too soon to start.
VALIDATE THE FEELINGS
Emotions are generated deep within your child’s brain. He does not “choose” his emotions, and there really is no such thing as a “wrong” feeling—something many adults have yet to learn. Your child has reasons for his feelings, even when he does not consciously know what those reasons are. Begin teaching your child that his feelings are always okay, but some actions are not. Try saying, “It’s okay to be mad—I’d feel pretty mad, too, if I were you. It’s not okay to hit me or hurt yourself. What would help you feel better?” Remember, we usually do better when we feel better. Lessons learned now about recognizing and managing feelings will benefit your child his entire life.
PROVIDE APPROPRIATE WAYS FOR YOUR CHILD TO EXPRESS HIS FEELINGS
What might an angry toddler do to manage his anger? Well, it might help to roar like a dinosaur, scribble on paper with markers, run around the backyard, or knead a ball of playdough. These provide physical outlets for emotional energy. Parents usually discover that anger expressed in healthy ways dissipates much more quickly; in fact, they often find themselves giggling with the same toddler who was so furious only moments before. (Hitting or punching pillows or other objects sometimes escalates anger rather than reducing it. Pay attention to what your child is learning if you choose this approach.)
Our senses can provide calming pathways, too. Taking deep breaths, smelling flowers, listening to soft music, stroking a soft teddy bear, or splashing in a basin of water can all be restorative.
A WORD ABOUT “BLANKIES” AND OTHER SECURITY OBJECTS
Closely tied to a child’s feelings of trust and security is one accessory of young childhood that has passed into folklore: the security blanket. Linus, in the cartoon strip Peanuts, carries his everywhere, even using it to zap his obnoxious older sister. Children the world over rely on scraps of blanket, favorite stuffed animals, or imaginary friends to help them feel secure—and parents the world over often wonder if it’s healthy to allow them to do so.
With a little thought, it’s easy to understand how intimidating a place this world of ours can be to a very young child. A child’s attachment to his blankie can be very strong; it often has its own feel and taste, and a child can usually tell if an attempt is made to replace or switch the favorite object. Many parents have had the alarming experience of leaving a teddy or blankie at the grocery store or in a motel, then having to make an emergency return trip with a hysterical child.
Feelings of insecurity and fear, while they can be upsetting for parents, are like all other emotions. They are just feelings and can be handled with active listening, warmth, and understanding. If sleeping with a special blanket or a stuffed animal helps a child relax and feel cozy, is there truly any harm in it?
Some children never adopt a blankie or stuffed animal, preferring instead to suck on their thumbs or on a pacifier. Monica believed that her children would not suck their thumbs if they had plenty of opportunity to suck at the breast. However, the one child she had nursed on demand sucked her thumb until she was six. Monica had to admit, “So much for that theory!”
Pacifiers can be a helpful way to allow an infant to satisfy her need to suck, and they can provide security (and peace) during times of upset or stress. In fact, a child who appears to have given up her thumb or pacifier often resumes the habit if the family moves, if she changes childcare settings or caregivers, or if there is some other upheaval in her life. Most parents eventually wonder if thumb sucking or using a pacifier is wise, especially as a child grows older. The American Association of Pediatrics recommends the use of a pacifier at nap and bedtime during the first year of life. Research has shown that its use can decrease the incidence of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). They specify that the pacifier should not be introduced until breastfeeding is securely established, and that a child not be forced to use a pacifier if she resists.
When the use of a pacifier is discontinued by age five, dental effects are typically reversible. If you have concerns about sucking needs, especially where teeth and orthodontia are concerned, you may be able to put your fears at rest by talking to a pediatric dentist. As a general rule, the less fuss adults make, the sooner the issue tends to be resolved. As they grow older, children are often willing to restrict use of their security objects to bedtime or naptime, especially if they have experienced understanding and acceptance from their parents. Most children, left to themselves, give up their blankies or pacifiers of their own free will, usually by the age of six.
WEANING FROM THE PACIFIER
Q: I would like to know if you have any suggestions about how to get my two-and-a-half- and four-and-a-half-year-old children to stop using a pacifier. I have never worried about it before and let them use it whenever they wanted, because I know it comforts them and I did not see any harm. But I took Luke, my older boy, to the orthodontist today because he has a large overbite that is affecting his speech and teeth. The orthodontist did say that the pacifier was definitely adding to the problem.
So, I guess it is time for weaning. I want to make sure that I do this in the kindest, most respectful way possible. I think I need to do the same with his little brother, Jake, because it would be hard for Luke to see his brother still using a passy. Suggestions, please!
A: Some parents have found it effective to “lose” the passies and have faith in their children to survive—which they do. When you allow your children to experience minor “suffering” (very different from “making them suffer”), they can develop their “disappointment muscles” and learn from experience that they can be resilient. In the long run, this will help them feel more capable. You might try talking with Luke about why his passy isn’t good for him, and make a plan together for giving it up.2
Several weeks later, this mom told the following story: “Well, I sat down and talked to Luke about it and asked him how he wanted to let go of his passy. He immediately said he wanted to gather them all up, wash them, and put them in a ziplock bag to give to my sister for when she eventually has a baby. He was so sweet! So we did it, with his little brother following along as usual. They whined a little in the afternoon and just a little at night, but I reassured them and that was it. It was pretty painless. This morning Luke ran in and said, “ ‘I knew I could do it!’ ”
“My little girl’s blankie sort of fell apart,” said another mom. “It literally disintegrated until she was down to a few shredded pieces. It became a bother for her to find these fragments and so the blankie passed quietly into history. Actually, I gathered up a couple of these pieces and tucked them into my jewelry box. I couldn’t part with them. I plan on adding them to a quilt for my grandchild someday.” It is amazing how many parents who lamented their child’s attachment to a blanket keep a small scrap as a memento long after their child has abandoned it.
LANGUAGE SKILLS AND COMMUNICATION
Most parents eagerly await their children’s first words, sharing them with friends and family and recording them for posterity in baby books and journals. Parents smile over innocent mispronunciations and other manglings of the language, and rejoice when a child can make herself understood consistently.
Babies generally do not begin to understand the meanings of words until they are six or seven months of age, and most don’t say their first words until ten to eighteen months. Long before that time, however, a baby will turn toward a familiar voice, smile into a parent’s face, or reach with delight for favorite people. It can be frustrating to try to communicate with and understand a young child who can’t yet express his feelings and ideas—and it is frustrating for the child as well!
Like most other developmental skills, the acquisition of language takes place at different rates for different children. If your child seems alert and responds well to you, chances are that all is well, even if she doesn’t have much to say—yet. (If you are concerned about your child’s speech development, talk to your pediatrician. Some children do experience delays in speech and language; therapy with a trained speech therapist can be helpful.)
It is worth knowing that children learn language best by being spoken to often and given lots of opportunities to respond. The cooing to newborns that is instinctive to parents the world over actually introduces a baby to the sounds of her native tongue and will help her to synchronize those sounds with lip movements.
Holding a running conversation as you stroll down the grocery aisle about the bright red apples, whether or not you are out of peanut butter, or if salmon would be nice for dinner tonight does not mean you expect your four-month-old to take over shopping anytime soon. This kind of conversation accustoms his ear to language, in the same way that those age-old nursery rhymes teach children to recognize the rhythms and sounds of spoken words—and to duplicate them when the time is right. No matter how exhausting it can be, a toddler’s endless stream of “why” and “how come” questions should be answered calmly. As one three-year-old reminded his exasperated mom, “That’s how little boys learn!”
THE IMPORTANCE OF TALK
Language—the words you speak and the way you speak them—shapes your very thoughts. Most researchers believe that acquiring language skills is critical to the development of thinking, problem solving, and memory retrieval. Unfortunately, educators and researchers worry that the ability to use language well (and to think critically) is declining. Why?
The biggest culprit may be our hectic, harried lifestyles and how parents choose to use the time they do have with their children. Time in which to sit and re
ad or to talk with one another is all too limited. Children are propped in front of mobile devices and televisions while parents fix dinner, do chores, or work at home. Children may learn a cartoon character’s theme song or recognize letters and numbers, but contrary to most parents’ belief, they do not learn language by watching a screen. Language skills require connection, attention, and the interaction of real conversation.
All too often, adults’ words to children are strictly functional. “Get into your pajamas,” “Eat your dinner,” or “Don’t hit your sister” may be all the conversation some toddlers hear. Other children spend many waking hours in childcare centers where overburdened caregivers may value silence and compliance, not budding language skills.
TEACHING LANGUAGE
Many parents believe that there will be time “later on” to teach words and language skills, but most language learning takes place in the first three years of life. What can parents and caregivers do to give little ones the best chance of learning language now—and succeeding in school later on?
How Can You Encourage Language Development?
• Talk to children.
• Encourage children to “talk back.”
• Read lots of books out loud.
• Turn off the technology—at least most of the time.
TALK TO CHILDREN