by Jane Nelsen
LIVING WITH—AND LEARNING FROM—MISTAKES
Parents and children are alike in one important respect: they never stop making mistakes. It doesn’t matter how much you learn or how much you know. As human beings, we all sometimes forget what we know and get hooked into emotional responses—also known as “losing it.” Once you accept this, you can see mistakes as the important life processes they are: interesting opportunities to learn.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could instill this attitude in your child so she wouldn’t be burdened with the baggage you may carry about mistakes and “failures”? Many children (and adults) short-circuit the lifelong process of developing a healthy sense of autonomy (and fail to develop the courage it requires to take risks and try new things) because they are afraid to make mistakes. Asking curiosity questions (which usually begin with “what” or “how”) to help your child learn from her mistakes will make a tremendous difference as she works her way through the learning process.
“LIKE A PLANT NEEDS WATER …”
Rudolf Dreikurs reminds us that children need encouragement like a plant needs water. (And don’t we all?) Learning the fine art of encouragement is one of the most important skills of effective parenting. Experts who study human behavior and development tell us that a healthy sense of self-worth is one of the greatest assets a child can have. Parents who know how to encourage, have faith, and teach skills are best able to help their children develop a sense of self-worth.
SELF-WORTH AND RESILIENCE: WHERE DO THEY COME FROM?
Self-worth is, quite simply, the confidence and sense of capability each person has in him- or herself. Self-worth comes from feeling a sense of belonging, believing that you’re capable (because you have experienced your capability—not because someone else tells you that you are), and knowing your contributions are valued and worthwhile. Parents can’t give their child a sense of self-worth; each child must grow it for himself.
Self-worth gives children the courage to take risks in life and to welcome new experiences—everything from tackling the stairs with unsteady steps, to making friends at the childcare center, to trying out for the basketball team or honors orchestra later in life. Children with a healthy sense of self-worth have learned that it is okay to make mistakes and learn from them, rather than thinking a mistake means they are inadequate. Children who lack self-worth fear failure and often don’t believe in themselves even when they possess wonderful talents and abilities.
An important part of self-worth and confidence is a quality known as resilience. “Resilience” is defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary as “the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens.” It is unlikely that any of us will make it through life without “something bad” happening, and the ability to bounce back, to try again, and to persevere in the face of challenges is a critical part of emotional and mental health. How can you nurture resilience in your child?
TELL ME A STORY …
There is one aspect of resilience that deserves special mention. It is a simple thing that most adults do without any prompting: telling stories. All children love to hear stories—especially their own! Stories like “On the day you were born …,” “When you used to sleep at Grandma’s house while Mommy worked at night …,” or “I remember the time Uncle Peter took you to the zoo …” all reinforce connections for a child. Not only do children love these stories and want to hear them over and over again, but these stories encourage the development of coping skills and resilience, even when children experience disruptive or traumatic events. In fact, a child who has heard these family stories is more likely to show resilience in the face of trauma than one who has not. Stories anchor a child in ways that make the stress of outside events more manageable. You cannot protect your child from every eventuality, but it is encouraging to know that you can provide a foundation of resilience through a strong sense of self and family—and stories can do that.
MISTAKES PARENTS MAKE IN THE NAME OF “SELF-ESTEEM”
Parents (and teachers) may try to nurture “self-esteem” through praise or by teaching children to parrot slogans such as “I am special.” Remember, though, that children, even very young ones, are making decisions about themselves and the world around them. All too often, these efforts backfire, leading children to form beliefs that are not in their long-term best interest. Before we look at effective ways to build self-worth, let’s look at some methods that don’t work.
TRYING TO GIVE CHILDREN SELF-WORTH THROUGH EXCESSIVE PRAISE
Praise can actually be discouraging instead of encouraging. When parents constantly tell a child, “You’re such a good girl! I’m so proud of you!” that child may decide, “I’m okay only if someone tells me I am.” She may feel pressure to be perfect in order to avoid disappointing her parents. Or she may give up because she believes she can’t live up to the praise and the high expectations that usually go along with it. In the long term, praise doesn’t have the positive effect most people think it does. A little praise may not hurt, but it probably won’t help as much as parents hope.
Ineffective Methods for Building Self-Worth
• Trying to give children self-worth through excessive praise and pep talks
• Overprotecting or rescuing children
• Telling children they’re “smart”
• Wanting children to be “better” (or just different)
OVERPROTECTING OR RESCUING CHILDREN
One of the most common reasons children visit a therapist’s office these days is anxiety. There are many valid reasons to worry about a child’s safety and health in this dangerous world, but so many parents are so worried that children find it impossible to take even acceptable risks (like playing at a friend’s house or walking to the mailbox). Remember, your child has mirror neurons; if you believe that the world is a scary place, your child is likely to agree with you and to avoid new experiences, which is not a good recipe for confidence and resilience.
Many parents worry that their children will suffer if they have to deal with discomfort or disappointment, but the opposite is true. Overly protected children may decide, “I can’t handle problems. I can’t survive disappointment. I need others to take care of me and rescue me.” Or they may decide that it’s easier to let others take responsibility for them. Either way, overprotected and “overhelped” children rarely develop the competence and self-confidence that might help them handle life’s challenges as they grow.
TELLING CHILDREN THEY’RE “SMART”
It’s wonderful to celebrate your child’s gifts and accomplishments and to celebrate his progress along life’s path. But some parents, in an effort to encourage their children, bombard them with a constant stream of “You’re so smart!” It turns out that this bit of praise in particular can have unexpected consequences.
Carol Dweck, author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, has done extensive research on this subject. Rewarding a child for a trait like intelligence can create a “fixed” mindset and cripple a child’s ability to tackle challenges. In Dweck’s words,
After seven experiments with hundreds of children, we had some of the clearest findings I’ve ever seen: Praising children’s intelligence harms their motivation and it harms their performance. How can that be? Don’t children love to be praised? Yes, children love praise. And they especially love to be praised for their intelligence and talent. It really does give them a boost, a special glow—but only for the moment. The minute they hit a snag, their confidence goes out the window and their motivation hits rock bottom. If success means they’re smart, then failure means they’re dumb. That’s the fixed mindset.
Instead of valuing being “smart,” encourage your child to learn from mistakes, to enjoy challenges, and to love the process of learning—regardless of the result.
WANTING CHILDREN TO BE “BETTER” (OR JUST DIFFERENT)
Since the primary goal of all children is to feel connected and accepted, it may be dev
astating when a child believes that her parents don’t love her unconditionally. When the mother of Travis, an active, high-energy child, repeatedly says, “I wish you were as calm and well-behaved as Johnny,” Travis may decide, “I’m not good enough. It really doesn’t matter what I do—my mom doesn’t like me.” Remember, a misbehaving child is a discouraged child. There is nothing as encouraging and effective as loving, unconditional acceptance. This does not mean that parents must applaud their children’s misbehavior and weaknesses; it does mean that parents can help their children best when they accept them for who they are, with all their unique strengths and weaknesses.
THE ART OF ENCOURAGEMENT
Praise is like junk food. It is sweet, mass-produced, and often neither personal nor meaningful. Little smiley faces that say “great kid” or “good job” can be stamped on any child’s hand. Real encouragement is more selective, noticing and validating the uniqueness of each individual.
Little Amy waited until her twelfth month to make her walking debut. Her family had traveled across the country to visit grandparents in Florida. One afternoon with her parents, grandparents, and siblings gathered around, Amy decided the time to display her skills had arrived. She grinned at her family, then relinquished her hold on the sofa and with heart-stopping wobbles took her first steps, straight into Grandma’s eager arms. Her family was ecstatic. “You can do it!” they called, their faces wreathed in smiles. “That’s it. Just take it slow. Just a little further. Go, Amy! You’ve got it! Hooray!” Amy’s grin almost split her face in two as she basked in her family’s love. Now, that’s encouragement!
The praise version might have sounded more like this: “Good girl! What a clever darling! Aren’t you precious?”
Many parents become confused about the difference between praise and encouragement, so let’s take a closer look. In the scene described above, encouragement focuses on the task, while praise focuses on the person. Many children, when praised, form the belief that they are “good” only if they accomplish a task. Praise usually requires a successfully completed task, while encouragement speaks to the effort. In other words, praise is often conditional, while encouragement is unconditional.
Oddly enough, too much of a good thing can be discouraging. When children receive cheers for every little thing they do, it is easy for them to develop the belief that they are loved and accepted only when others are cheering, clapping, and offering endless attention.
WHAT IS YOUR CHILD DECIDING?
An important way to understand the difference between praise and encouragement is to get into your child’s world. Notice if your child is depending too much on the opinion of others, a dangerous result of praise. On the other hand, little ones love an audience and often enthusiastically invite you to “Watch me! Watch me!” It isn’t necessary to obsess about the difference between praise and encouragement. Just be aware of the decisions your child may be making. Do your statements convey conditional or unconditional love and support?
One approach is to ask yourself if your words could only be said to this person at this time. You can say “Great job” to the barber, the dog, and your partner, all in the same breath. You can’t use “Thank you for giving me such a flattering haircut,” “You found your bone—how yummy,” or “That shade of blue looks really nice on you—it’s different than the shade you usually wear” interchangeably. If your words are unique to the person, place, or situation, they are more likely to be encouragement.
SHOWING FAITH
Amy’s family offered her encouragement most effectively by allowing her to experiment with the process of walking—and by not intervening unnecessarily. Amy’s family might have chosen to rescue their fragile baby. Grandma might have called out, “Be careful. Quick, someone, catch the baby.” Mom or Dad might have swooped in to hold Amy’s hand, block her path, or pick her up. Older brother might have grabbed Amy from behind to steady her.
There was a risk that Amy might fall, but Amy’s family gave her the chance to take that risk. Risks imply the possibility of failure, but without risk there can never be success. Amy took a risk and managed her first steps. No praise could replace her feeling of accomplishment in that moment. Self-worth is that experience of “I can do it!” You help your children build self-worth when you balance your need to protect them with their need to take risks, tackle new challenges, and explore their capabilities.
Balance, however, is essential. Imagine a parent believing that his child should never be discouraged from exploring her environment. Perhaps he feels that limiting her activities will frustrate her curiosity. So when little Michelle heads into the street, Dad runs to the intersection and flags the cars to a stop, allowing Michelle to stroll contentedly among the fenders. This is not encouragement. What Michelle needs is supervision and lots of teaching about the dangers of intersections, lest she decide to try crossing the street when Dad isn’t there to play traffic cop.
Encouragement does not mean remaking the world to fit your toddler’s every whim. Kindly and firmly removing a child from the street does limit her exploring; it also protects her from danger and does not allow her to believe wandering in the street is safe. Wise parents weigh their children’s choices and environments to determine which experiences offer opportunities for growth and which are simply too dangerous. Allowing a child to take reasonable risks (like climbing on the monkey bars) and learn new skills (such as stirring the scrambled eggs—with your supervision, of course) is encouragement. Facing challenges and experiencing success builds a strong sense of self-worth.
LOVING THE CHILD YOU HAVE
Most of us have dreams of who our child will be. You may hope for a child who is quiet and thoughtful, or energetic and outgoing, or who possesses some other combination of qualities and talents. You may even want a child exactly like yourself. (Parents and children do not necessarily come in matched sets!)
Janice had dreamed of her child’s babyhood. She was delighted to have a little girl, and she had painstakingly furnished the nursery in pastel-colored lace and ruffles. She bought ribbons and bows for her daughter’s almost-invisible hair; she filled drawers with adorable little dresses. She cleaned up her own favorite dolls and added several more, preparing herself to share all sorts of blissful times with her daughter.
The little girl in question, however, had other ideas. She was not a cuddly child, and squirmed and wriggled constantly. She crawled and walked early and was always into something—much to her mother’s dismay. She delighted in pulling the vacuum cleaner attachments apart, and emptied the kitchen cabinets time and time again. The dainty dresses were a nuisance; the baby seemed to have a gift for tearing and staining them.
Things only got more difficult as she grew. She preferred to be called Casey rather than Katy; she thought dresses were silly. She had no patience with dolls, and tossed them into the darkest corner of her closet or undressed and scribbled on them with ink. She insisted on “borrowing” her older brother’s trucks and skateboard, and as soon as she was able, she joined the older boys (despite their howls of protest) in their games, showing an astounding talent for playing street hockey and climbing trees. She even liked lizards and snakes. Janice tried offering ballet lessons and even gymnastics, but to no avail: Casey refused to be Katy. (It is interesting to note that when Casey had a little girl of her own, her daughter didn’t follow in her mom’s footsteps either. Little Diana delighted her Grandma Janice by loving dolls, dresses, and makeup, even as a toddler.)
Does Janice love her child? Undoubtedly she does. But one of the most beautiful ways of expressing love for a child is learning to love that child—not the child you wish you had.
THE POWER OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE
All parents have dreams for their children, and dreaming is not a bad thing. But we must love our children unconditionally in order for them to feel the acceptance and self-worth that leads to resilience and confidence. If you want to encourage your child and help him develop a sense of belo
nging and self-worth, you should keep several ideas in mind.
Effective Methods for Building Self-Worth
• Accept your child as he is.
• Be patient with your child’s development.
• Provide opportunities for success.
• Teach your child skills.
• Be aware of self-fulfilling prophecies.
Accept Your Child As He Is
Children have their own unique temperaments. They have abilities you may not have expected and dreams of their own that don’t match yours, and sometimes their behavior is a real disappointment. It is all too easy to compare your offspring with the child down the street, his cousins, or even his own siblings, and to find him lacking in some way.
We humans are not good at unconditional love, yet children need to be loved unconditionally. You must remember that even the youngest child has an amazing ability to sense her parents’ true feelings and attitudes. If she knows she is loved and accepted—if she feels the sense of worth and belonging she craves—she will thrive. If she senses that she doesn’t belong, that she is a disappointment or a nuisance, her budding sense of self will wither, and you may never get to know the person she could have been. Encourage your child to be the best person she can be, not to be someone she is not.