by Jane Nelsen
Kim had just managed to fall asleep when it started: the fretful, whining cry that told her that two-month-old Betsy was awake—again. Kim groaned, thought briefly about burying her head under her pillow, then heaved herself out of bed. Her partner had been out of town on business for more than a week, and this was the second time tonight that Betsy had awakened. Kim was exhausted.
She stumbled into the baby’s room and began her night routine without even bothering to turn on the light. Half an hour later, Betsy had been fed, changed, and burped, but she was crying more loudly than ever. Kim settled the baby in her arms and began rocking in the old rocking chair, fighting the urge to cry herself. She felt helpless, completely at the mercy of this little person who couldn’t even tell her what was wrong. She hadn’t had time to do the laundry in a week, the house was cluttered, and she would have given just about anything for a soothing massage. What had happened? This wasn’t what she’d imagined when she was pregnant with Betsy.
Kim looked down at her daughter’s face and suddenly saw not a beautiful, beloved baby, but a demanding, noisy monster who wouldn’t even let her get a decent night’s sleep. What Kim really wanted was to put the baby down and simply leave.
It took almost two hours, but Betsy, soothed by the steady rocking, eventually fell asleep. It took her horrified mother a lot longer to deal with the unexpectedly strong emotions the encounter had created in her.
There’s a difference between a feeling and an action. It’s not unusual for parents of infants and young children to be frustrated, overwhelmed, and exhausted, and most parents feel terribly guilty when they experience anger or resentment toward their children. The feelings are quite normal—but you need to be careful what you do with them.
If you find yourself wanting to snap or lash out at your child, accept those feelings as your cue to do something to care for yourself. Make sure your child is safely occupied, and take a few minutes of time-out. (It usually works better for parents than for kids anyway.) Better yet, arrange for some time to nurture yourself. Exhaustion and frustration can lead even the best parents to say and do things they later regret; it’s far better to invest the time it takes to help yourself feel better. If these efforts aren’t helping, or your despair deepens, seek help from a therapist or pastor. Finding help will improve life for you and your child.
EMERGENCY RELIEF
Even without depression or external crises, a parent may still feel unable to cope sometimes. Most communities offer a crisis line for immediate phone assistance. Some hospitals provide similar services; a few moments spent speaking to an understanding, reassuring adult may make a world of difference.
If you ever feel your child might be at risk, check to see if respite care is available in your community. It is not wrong or shameful to need help; it is true wisdom to ask for it.
REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE
Beth looked back at the front window, where her friend Caroline held fourteen-month-old Gregory up to wave good-bye. As she slipped behind the wheel of the minivan, Beth looked at the two good friends who shared the backseat.
“Boy, am I ready for this,” she said.
Anne and Joleen laughed. “Us, too!” Joleen said. “And you’d better enjoy yourself—next week, the kids are all at your place.”
Beth, Anne, Joleen, and Caroline had been sharing their “moms’ day out” for about six months, and none could imagine how they’d survived without it. Each Saturday morning, one of the four women cared for the group’s six children. Lunches were packed, activities were planned—and the three moms who had the day off had four blissful hours to shop, play tennis, take a walk, or just share conversation and a cup of coffee. All had felt a bit guilty at first, but they quickly learned to wave bye-bye and drive away, knowing their children were well cared for, and would be happy to have a calm, cheerful mother pick them up. Because the women were careful always to return at the designated time, no one felt taken advantage of.
Support comes packaged in different ways. Whatever works for you and wherever you find it, accept it with gratitude. Parenting is too big a job to tackle alone. Children and their families need a community of support. The face that community wears may be that of a familiar relative, a parenting class, good friends, or even words floating through cyberspace. The important thing is that it is there. Use it—for everyone’s sake.
The truth is that parents need a sense of belonging, too—with partners, family, friends, and community. After all, you can’t give your little one something you don’t have. Time spent nurturing you will make a difference for everyone.
QUESTIONS TO PONDER
1. What do you love to do? Write down three things. Look over this list. If the list includes seemingly impossible things, such as travel to Paris, ask yourself what small piece of this might be possible in your current situation. Perhaps you could trade a couple of hours of babysitting with another parent, and use that time to visit a local art gallery.
2. If your list says prepare a gourmet meal, you might manage to make an exquisite salad dressing before bed and pour it over your box of salad bar veggies on your next lunch break. No matter how small, finding ways to enjoy things that matter to you will help you feel better, and do better.
3. Many adults discover that it is difficult for them to seek help. If you want time to care for yourself or have a date night with your partner, whom could you ask for help? What might you offer in return?
1 Check out the Positive Discipline online community (www.positivediscipline.ning.com) for support, workshops in your area, and answers to your questions.
2 PEPS can be contacted at www.pepsgroup.org.
3 Mothers of Preschoolers: www.mops.org.
4 You can receive information about Positive Discipline directly at www.positivediscipline.com or www.positivediscipline.org.
5 You can also find a copy of Roslyn Duffy’s Top Ten Preschool Parenting Problems book, a compilation of her long-running “From a Parent’s Perspective” columns, on the Exchange Press website (www.childcareexchange.com).
CONCLUSION
It sometimes seems as though the first three years last forever. You live with your infant’s endless parade of diapers and bottles—and, sometimes, the equally endless nights—and sometimes you can hardly wait to move on to the next stage of your child’s life.
And so you enter the toddler years. You rush around childproofing your home, trying to remain calm and patient, doing your best to cope with this active, challenging little person and his occasional tantrums and misbehaviors. You collapse, exhausted, at the end of another hectic day—and you can hardly wait to get on to the next stage of your child’s life.
And so it goes. Ask parents whose children are older, whose children are busy with school and friends, whose children are independent teenagers, or whose children have grown up and begun a family of their own, and they will tell you: The first three years go by too fast, far more quickly than you realize when you’re in the midst of them.
In only an instant, the darling little outfits will have been outgrown, the binkies and blankies cast aside. The favorite toys will lie untouched in the closet while their formerly devoted owner busies himself with new activities and new friends. It may be incomprehensible now, but the day will come when you watch your confident, eager child run to meet his friends and find yourself longing for exactly what you have now: the sweet, cuddly baby who needs you so desperately, the busy toddler who can turn your world upside down and still capture your heart with a single glance, the child who tests your patience and perseverance one moment, then runs to hug you and plant a sticky kiss on your cheek the next.
There is a great deal to learn and remember when you’re raising a young child; we’ve just spent an entire book exploring it all. But if there’s one lesson we (as authors, and as parents of children now well beyond their first three years) want to share with you, it is this: Cherish these moments while they are yours. Stop to wonder at the miracle of a sleeping infant, the
marvel of a curious toddler, the infectious joy of an unrestrained giggle. Take a slow, deep breath and savor the joy of watching your child learn, grow, and discover his place in this world. Take lots of photographs; make time to laugh, to play, to simply enjoy. These first years will be gone before you know it.
It is our hope that in these pages you have found information you can use as you and your little one navigate these critical first months and years together. It is a vitally important time; both of you are learning a lot, and both of you will make lots of mistakes. Remember that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn and grow together, and that the hugs and tears that sometimes follow may actually draw you closer to those you love.
The best gifts you have to offer your children are not things they can touch, hold, or play with. In fact, they may not recognize or appreciate these gifts for years. They are, nonetheless, priceless. You can offer your children trust, dignity, and respect. You can believe in them, encourage them, and teach them. You can bestow on them the gifts of confidence, responsibility, and competence. And you can show them how to love and appreciate life by sharing it with them, every step of the way.
Learn as much as you can; ask for help when you need it. Forget about that fantasy child. Watch, listen, and learn to understand the child you have. Most important of all, have the courage to trust your own wisdom and knowledge of your child. There is no greater challenge than parenting—and no job more rewarding.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
WE ARE OFTEN asked, “Where do you get your stories?” We have had many opportunities to learn from parents in our parenting classes, parents and teachers attending our trainings and talks, and those we see in our counseling and coaching practices. Without them, this book could not have been written. We want to note that names and details throughout the book have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals. Some stories are composites of several children or families, which makes sense since adults and children everywhere experience common challenges. We all can learn from one another.
You might not think parenting has changed much in recent years, but we continue to learn new ways of understanding both our children and ourselves. Families, relationships, and the world around us continue to evolve, making us even more grateful for the opportunity to offer encouragement and support to new generations of parents.
We will always be grateful to Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, the originators of the philosophy upon which Positive Discipline is based. These pioneers left a legacy that has changed the lives of thousands—including our own. We feel honored to continue their legacy by sharing their ideas with others. Much of the information in this book has been contributed to and enhanced by other Adlerian professionals as well as numerous early childhood educators and contemporary research insights. We are grateful for all of it.
We have had excellent editorial help and gratefully acknowledge Nathan Roberson, our project editor at Harmony Books. Nate is accessible, encouraging, and always open to our ideas. Our copy editor, Lawrence Krauser, did an awesome job. He made sure things were clear, made sense, and fit in context. He also brought a fresh generational eye, which is always helpful.
A special thanks to the Learning Tree Montessori Child Care for much of the background material for the chapter on finding quality childcare. Such insights helped bring deeper meaning to this work.
One extra hurrah goes to Paula Gray’s artwork. Paula has devoted her talent, energy, and patience to this and several other Positive Discipline books, and we continue to be very grateful for her contributions.
And, oh, how we love our families. Instead of complaining about the time it takes for us to write books, they support and encourage us. They constantly demonstrate how capable they are of being self-sufficient instead of demanding. And we owe our biggest thanks to our children and grandchildren, who have provided us with personal family “laboratories.” They have put up with our mistakes—and have helped us learn from those mistakes. We love them, appreciate them, and are grateful for them, always.
Although our children are grown now and busy living independent lives, we continue to love spending every moment we can with them and with the next generation, our grandchildren. May this book make the world a healthier and happier place for them, their peers, and the children they will one day care for and parent.
RESOURCES AND BIBLIOGRAPHY
SUGGESTED READING
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———. What Life Could Mean to You, New Ed edition. Oxford, UK: Oneworld Pub. Ltd, 1992.
Chess, Stella, M.D., and Alexander Thomas, M.D. Know Your Child. New York: Basic Books, 1987.
Dreikurs, Rudolf, and Vicki Soltz. Children: The Challenge. New York: Plume Books, 1991.
Duffy, Roslyn Ann. The Top Ten Preschool Parenting Problems. Redmond, WA: Exchange Press, 2008.
Erikson, Erik H. Childhood and Society. New York: Norton, 1993.
Erwin, Cheryl L. The Everything Parent’s Guide to Raising Boys: A Complete Handbook to Develop Confidence, Promote Self-Esteem, and Improve Communication. New York: Adams Media, 2006.
Garcia, Joseph. Sign with Your Baby: How to Communicate with Infants Before They Can Speak. Seattle: Northlight Communications, 2002 (www.sign2me.com).
Gerber, Magda. Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect. Los Angeles: Resources for Infant Educarers, 2002.
Gilbert, Susan. A Field Guide to Boys and Girls. New York: Harper Perennial, 2001.
Glenn, H. Stephen, and Michael L. Brock. 7 Strategies for Developing Capable Students. New York: Three Rivers Press, 1998.
Glenn, H. Stephen, and Jane Nelsen. Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2000.
Gopnik, Alison, Ph.D., Andrew N. Meltzoff, Ph.D., and Patricia K. Kuhl, Ph.D. The Scientist in the Crib: What Early Learning Tells Us About the Mind. New York: Harper Perennial, 2001.
Greenman, Jim, and Anne Stonehouse. What Happened to the World: Helping Children Cope in Turbulent Times. New South Wales, Australia: Pademelon Press, 2002.
Greenspan, Stanley I., M.D., and Serena Wieder, Ph.D. The Child with Special Needs: Encouraging Intellectual and Emotional Growth. Cambridge, MA: Perseus Publishing, 1998.
Harlow, Harry F. Learning to Love. New York, Ballantine, 1973.
Healy, Jane M. Endangered Minds: Why Children Don’t Think and What We Can Do About It. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1990.
Hirsh-Pasek, Kathryn. Einstein Never Used Flash Cards: How Children Really Learn—and Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less. New York: Rodale, 2003.
Hoban, Russell. Bread and Jam for Frances. New York: HarperCollins, 1993.
Kindlon, Dan, and Michael Thompson. Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. New York: Ballantine, 2000.
Kohn, Alfie. Punished by Rewards. New York: Houghton Mifflin, 1999.
Levin, Diane E. Beyond Remote-Controlled Childhood: Teaching Young Children in the Media Age. Washington, DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children, 2013.
Lipton, Bruce H. The Biology of Belief. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2009.
Lott, Lynn, and Jane Nelsen. Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way: A Manual for Parent Education Groups. Lehi, UT: Empowering People (www.empoweringpeople.com).
Nelsen, Jane. Positive Time-Out and Over 50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in the Home and the Classroom. New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999.
———. Serenity: Eliminating Stress and Finding Joy and Peace in Life and Relationships. Lehi, UT: Empowering People, 2005. E-book available at www.positivediscipline.com.
Nelsen, Jane, and Kelly Bartlett. Help! My Child Is Addicted to Screens (Yikes! So Am I): Positive Discipline Tools for Managing Family Screen Time. E-book available at www.positivediscipline.com.
Nelsen, Jane, and Cheryl Erwin. Parents Who Love Too Much. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2000.
———. Positive Discipline for Childcar
e Providers. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2002.
———. Positive Discipline for Stepfamilies. Lehi, UT: Empowering People, 2005. E-book available at www.positivediscipline.com.
Nelsen, Jane, Cheryl Erwin, and Carol Delzer. Positive Discipline for Single Parents, 2nd edition. New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999.
Nelsen, Jane, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Duffy. Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, 3rd edition. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2006.
Nelsen, Jane, Linda Escobar, Kate Ortolano, Roslyn Duffy, and Deborah Owens-Sohocki. Positive Discipline: A Teacher’s A–Z Guide. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2001.
Nelsen, Jane, Steven Foster, and Arlene Raphael. Positive Discipline for Children with Special Needs. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2012.
Nelsen, Jane, Mary L. Hughes, and Michael Brock. Positive Discipline for Christian Families. Lehi, UT: Positive Discipline, 2005. E-book available at www.positivediscipline.com.
Nelsen, Jane, Riki Intner, and Lynn Lott. Positive Discipline for Parents in Recovery. Lehi, UT: Empowering People, 2005. E-book available at www.positivediscipline.com.
Nelsen, Jane, and Lisa Larson. Positive Discipline for Working Parents. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2003.
Nelsen, Jane, and Lynn Lott. Positive Discipline for Teenagers, revised 3rd edition. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2012.
———. Positive Discipline in the Classroom: A Teacher’s Guide. Lehi, UT: Empowering People (www.empoweringpeople.com).
Nelsen, Jane, Lynn Lott, and H. S. Glenn. Positive Discipline A–Z, 3rd edition. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2007.
———. Positive Discipline in the Classroom, 3rd edition. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2000.
Nelsen, Jane, Ashlee Wilkinson, and Bill Schorr. Jared’s Cool-Out Space. Available at www.positivediscipline.com.