by Sherri Renee
She shot me a coy look before adding, “Infuriate Brianna by dating Lucas.”
I chuckled. “Well, that’s one way to get me to consider dating. I mean, anything to tick off Brianna, right?”
Ginger laughed. “I can’t believe she burned your project. That’s pretty out there. Whether you end up dating Lucas or not, you should watch your back around her.”
“No kidding. And she shaved her sister’s cat? Who does something like that?”
Ginger shivered. “A future psycho, probably.”
“And she’s focused on me. I thought my disease was the biggest thing I had to worry about, but it might be Brianna.” I was only half-joking.
“Don’t let her keep you from giving Lucas a shot, though. You know as well as I do that Brianna’s a big scaredy-cat under her tough act. She draws courage from her friends, but on her own, she’s not going to mess with anyone.”
Ginger was probably right. We’d gone to school with Brianna all our lives. She was a people-pleaser at heart. Burning my project made her look tough, but it probably hadn’t even been her idea. I imagined she’d just gone along with it to impress her friends.
“I’m not going to waste my time worrying about Brianna, but I’m not ready to date yet, either. I can’t. You know that.”
Ginger nodded. “I know you don’t think it’s right to get involved with someone. And I understand, but that doesn’t mean I agree with you.”
She looked down the hall and let out a loud sigh. “I guess I should at least make part of last period. You coming?”
I thought about that and shook my head. “Go ahead. There’s something I want to do.”
“Okay. Text me later.”
I watched until Ginger turned the corner, then took a deep breath. Thinking about Lucas made me remember how sad he’d seemed when he’d talked about basketball. I wished I could help him somehow. I hated seeing him upset, and I imagined I had only seen the surface of how he actually felt. The pressure to play basketball when it wasn’t what he wanted to do had to be hard.
One of the nice things about having lunch with Lucas the other day, other than having lunch with Lucas, was that I hadn’t thought about dying nearly as often since. My thoughts were so focused on him that, for once, I wasn’t focused completely on myself and my dwindling timeline.
I wanted to thank him without mentioning the whole dying thing, and decided to leave him another note. A little affirmation that might encourage him to choose his own path. It was small and might be silly, but the idea excited me.
I decided I didn’t want to wait until the next morning to leave a new message for Lucas. So, I hung out after the final bell at the end of the day, waiting until the crowd thinned. I knew Lucas would be at practice. I should be able to jot a short note and get out of there without anyone noticing.
With a few covert looks around to make sure the coast was clear, I crept down the hall to his locker, enjoying my spy-time. It was so fun to sneak around like that. And yeah, when creeping down a school hallway became a high point of the week, it just showed how dreary my everyday life had become.
I didn’t care right then, though; I was too eager to leave him some words of wisdom. I also couldn’t wait to see if he’d left me a new reply.
I pulled his locker open and grinned when I saw he’d responded again.
I don’t know who you are or why you’re doing this, but your words couldn’t have come at a better time.
My chest swelled with happiness. Too bad I couldn’t tell him the notes were from me, but it was better to stay anonymous. I was getting too attached to him as it was. I uncapped my Sharpie and started on my new note.
To succeed, we must try, and that you have already. . .
“What are you doing?”
Chapter 15
The locker door swung open wide. My heart slammed into my ribs, and my head jerked up so fast I felt like a puppet yanked around by a string. I was face to face with a hot but seriously confused looking Lucas. My pen still hovered in the air over the space where the locker door had just been. I blinked as I tried to come up with an excuse for being there. At his locker.
“Um.” I belatedly stuck the pen behind my back and searched for a believable excuse. I couldn’t let him know I’d been the one leaving the notes. That would either lead him to think I wanted something more. Or, if I’d misread his kindness, it would make me look like a creeper. I swallowed. That would crush me.
“Are you the one who’s been leaving me these notes?” His eyes narrowed as if trying to make sense of that.
I stared up at him without answering. What would happen if I stopped trying to control the situation and sat back and waited to see where it went? Would it be that bad to date Lucas? At least for a little while? Ginger would be thrilled.
And then the harsh reality of my life shoved its way into my fairytale. I’d been terrified I would die from my brother’s sneeze just days before. It would be a terrible mistake to date anyone.
What if things went too far, and we did something crazy like fell in love? And then I died. I would not do that to a great guy like Lucas. He deserved better.
“What?” I squeaked, clearing my throat while I gave myself time to think up a believable excuse. “Oh, the notes. No, those notes aren’t from me.” I shook my head. “Un-uh. Nope. No notes from me.”
Lucas raised a brow at my protests and gave the hand I’d tucked behind my back a pointed look.
“They’re not?” he asked, adding a small laugh that said he wasn’t buying it for a second. He moved in, and my heart gave a jolt as he pressed close to my side to read the latest message I’d left. A smile tugged his lips, and I felt myself getting light-headed in a way that had nothing to do with weak veins.
I swallowed as I studied the curve of his lips. The tiny mole on his cheek. The way his gray eyes wavered between green and back, depending on how they caught the light.
The notes made him happy. It was clear from his expression. All I had to do was let him know I’d written them, and then we could. . . What? What could we do that wouldn’t keep me constantly stressed out as I worried about him getting too close to me? About me getting too close to him?
“They’re from Brianna!” I half-shouted. Brianna? I froze. Why had her name popped out of my mouth?
Lucas stepped back. His brows lowered into a frown.
“Brianna told you to leave me these notes,” he repeated my words, lacing each one with skepticism. He crossed his arms, and I noticed how his shirt pulled tight over his muscular chest. I fought back a sigh and told myself to focus on the topic at hand. I tore my eyes from his impressive chest and bit my lip.
In retrospect, my excuse did sound lame. He had to know Brianna and I weren’t friends by any stretch of the imagination. And if he hadn’t heard about our show-down in the hall, he would soon.
I couldn’t believe I’d said they were from Brianna. I could have thrown Ginger under the bus. Claimed she had a little crush on Lucas or something. Or I could have come up with an imaginary friend from a different school who’d seen Lucas play ball and had asked me to leave the notes. Oh, the sane options were endless. But no, I had to say they were from the wicked witch of the school. What possible reason could I come up with for leaving notes for Brianna?
“Yes,” I said slowly, as my mind concocted a believable story. “Brianna asked me to leave them. She, um, heard we went out. To eat,” I added, totally flustered as I grasped for a plausible explanation. “So, she thought maybe you and I were friends, and I could help her get back together with you. She feels awful about the way things are going between you.”
I searched Lucas’s face for any sign that he believed me. His eyes darkened, actually growing more gray than green as I watched—which was way cool, but he didn’t look happy about my confession.
He tipped his head. “You’re saying Brianna asked you to leave these notes in my locker anonymously, so she and I would get back together?”
“Uh.
. . Well,” I searched my brain for a believable explanation as I continued to dig myself in deeper. “We were only going to do it for a couple of days. And then she planned to tell you it was her. After the game tomorrow.”
My mind raced as I tried to think of a way to corner Brianna and get her to go along with my story. As badly as she wanted Lucas, I had a feeling she’d be all for it. Maybe I’d even tell her she didn’t have to do my project if she went along with it. Ugh, or maybe I’d let her do the project first. I really didn’t want to have to start over on it.
Lucas took a small step back with confusion twisting his feature. “What about lunch the other day?” He tipped his head to the side with a frown. “I thought. . .” He broke off and shook his head.
“Never mind. It was cool for you to leave those notes. For Brianna.” He sent me a final piercing look, still looking totally confused, then added, “Guess I’ll see you around.” He turned and walked down the hall without a glance back.
My chest felt like it was collapsing in on itself. That was not the way I planned for this to go. I didn’t want Brianna to get the credit for my idea.
But I couldn’t let him know I’d left the notes. They were too personal. Too intimate. He’d know I cared about him if he knew I was the author. Letting him think Brianna was behind the notes was for the best. It had to be.
I gently closed Lucas’s locker and headed for the parking lot. If Lucas and Brianna got back together, I wouldn’t have to worry about keeping a wall between Lucas and me, which was great since I royally failed at it. And I wouldn’t have to worry about Brianna targeting me anymore. It was really a win-win situation. It just sucked.
Chapter 16
At first, I just thought all of the stress at school was getting to me, but by dinnertime, it was clear I was getting sick. Neither Mom nor I would blame Aiden, but odds were good that his sneeze had been too much for my immune system to handle.
Snuggled on the couch, I tried to focus on a movie, but my thoughts kept bouncing from Lucas to Brianna to death. Nice, right? A hundred and two temperature shouldn’t have been that worrisome, but Mom and I both knew it would probably get worse.
I wondered if Dad would stop by to check on me, or if he’d at least call. Somewhere deep inside, I knew I wouldn’t hear from him. Just like I hadn’t heard from him directly since he’d moved out. Other than his occasional “I love you” texts, Mom was the liaison between us when we needed to communicate. I tried not to let it bother me.
I just hoped I wouldn’t end up in the hospital again. I’d spent some time there around Christmas, and it was miserable. I was bored, and nurses kept checking on me all night, so I could never really sleep. And I’d missed the boys. The little germ-balls weren’t allowed to come visit me at all.
It wasn’t in my hands, but I would do whatever I could to avoid going back there again. So, when Mom handed me a glass with a straw in it and told me it was the new amino acid mixture the doc had okayed for me, I sucked it down without a complaint. Well, without much of a complaint.
“Geeze! This is so sour.” My mouth puckered, and I scrunched my nose.
Mom nodded. “There’s some Vitamin C in there, too. I tried it earlier, it is pretty tart, but it kind of grows on you if you drink it fast.”
I narrowed my eyes at her over the top of the glass but chugged the rest of the drink and handed her the empty glass, wiping my mouth on my sleeve.
“How do you feel?” she asked.
“Like I just sucked on the world’s most sour lemon.” I wrinkled my nose and ran my tongue over my teeth.
Mom shook her head with a small smile. “You know what I mean.”
I thought about it for a second. “I don’t feel terrible,” I told her truthfully. “I’m not as sore, so that helps. I mostly just feel drained.”
“You get some rest. I’ll bring your soup in a little bit. If you’re not better by tomorrow, I’ll call Dr. Reynolds.”
I had to be better before tomorrow because I needed to go to school and talk to Brianna before the game. The more I thought about it, the more convinced I was that I could sell her on my scheme to get her and Lucas back together. All she’d have to do is tell him the notes were all her idea, and Lucas would probably forgive her for breaking up with him.
Okay, sure, I hated the thought of Brianna and Lucas together, but it would keep Lucas from realizing I’d been the one to leave the notes and guessing I had feelings for him. I closed my eyes and rested my head on the couch. If I couldn’t make it to school tomorrow, maybe I could ask Ginger to talk to Brianna. Or even Riley. She was a funny girl. I liked the way she kept Brianna from running over her.
The next thing I knew, Mom was holding a tray with a steaming bowl of soup, telling me it was time to eat. The scent of chicken hit my nose before doing something terrible to my stomach.
I slapped a hand over my mouth and raced to the bathroom, making it just in time to empty my stomach in the toilet. I heaved a few times, short of breath, and worried the strain of vomiting might be too much for my veins, but I had zero control over it. Like it or not, I was probably not going to school the next day.
The fever raged through the night. The only thing that saved me from a trip to the ER was my awesome doctor. He’d given Mom his home number long ago, and he was able to call in a prescription for me that seemed to do something helpful. All I remembered was that at some point in the night after taking a white pill, I finally fell exhausted into a deep sleep.
My room was dim the next time I opened my eyes, but the faint light coming from around the curtain told me I’d survived the night. I closed my eyes and winced against the pain that seemed to claim my entire body. I felt like I had the Hulk-version of the flu, with everything amplified a hundred times over.
“Oh, good. You’re awake.” Mom poked her head into my room. She wore a plastic smile that I didn’t even try to return.
“What time is it?” I croaked. My throat burned like I’d been swallowing embers.
“It’s one, honey. You had a late night.”
I briefly wondered if I had time to text Ginger to ask her to talk to Brianna, but I just couldn’t muster the energy to care about my convoluted scheme today. As ill as I was, I might not ever make it back to school, and then none of the Lucas drama would matter anyway.
I wiggled my way up in bed, and Mom hurried over to put my pillow behind me so I could sit up. I did smile then. I didn’t know what I would do without Mom always being there to take care of me. Even if her efforts could be annoyingly over the top sometimes.
Mom took my temperature, and relief washed over her face. “Ninty-nine. Not too bad at all,” she murmured. I couldn’t tell if she was talking to herself or me, but it didn’t really matter.
“Dr. Reynolds wants you to take it easy for the rest of the week. That means no school and no basketball games.”
I wasn’t up to protesting. The last thing I wanted to do was leave my bed. “Can I have something to drink?” I asked, trying to swallow past my thick tongue and dry throat.
“Of course. I’ll be right back.” Mom flew from the room, and I knew she wouldn’t be long. She took good care of me. I wished I could do something for her in return. The only thing I knew of that she really wanted was for me to get better. I wasn’t sure if that was something I could give her or not.
By three-thirty, I felt good enough to eat some of the soup I’d missed out on the night before and make it to the couch to watch TV. The boys were staying with Dad. He’d managed to sneak over and pick them up without seeing me. Surprise, surprise. Mom said he hadn’t wanted to disturb my sleep, but I knew better. He couldn’t stand the sight of me.
Maybe it was his way of distancing himself from me, so my death wouldn’t be as painful, but it sucked. I missed him. It wasn’t fair that he got to choose to pull away without me having any say so in it.
And then it hit me. Wasn’t I doing the exact same thing to Lucas and all my other old friends who I’d cut off after
my diagnosis? I’d decided to cut them out of my life without telling them what why or asking them what they thought about it.
My heart felt heavy. I’d never looked at it that way before. Instead of a martyr, was I simply a jerk? I stared at the TV but couldn’t focus. I’d been so worried about people being hurt when I died that I hadn’t thought about the fact that they were hurt when I’d pushed them away.
Was my way wrong? Should I have just let nature run its course and accepted the fact that, yes, my friends would miss me when I was gone, but at least we’d had time to make new memories before that day?
I knew Ginger would jump all over that. She’d tried to tell me one version or another of that same thing since my diagnosis, but I’d never really heard her. I’d been too wrapped up in my desires to think about what others might want. It would be nice to hang out with some of my old friends. Even nicer to date a great guy like Lucas, if I could figure out a way to explain the notes in his locker without sounding too crazy.
I wasn’t quite ready to toss my plans to the curb and start over, but my new realization gave me something to think about.
The doorbell rang, but I didn’t even look up from the 80s teen movie Mom considered a classic. The only company I ever had was Ginger, and she was spending time with Max before the game. I missed her now that she had someone else in her life, but more than anything, I was happy for her.
She’d spent a lot of the last few months twining her life with mine. What I couldn’t do, she wouldn’t do. She’d been a better friend than I deserved, but it just made me that much happier she had someone special in her life. I hope Max didn’t end up disappointing her.
“Maddie?” Mom walked into the living room with a stunned expression on her face. “There’s a boy here to see you.”