by Ellie Wade
I shake my head. “It’s not though.” My voice trembles. “You don’t know him.”
“Yes, I do. I think it’s you who’s forgotten what a monster he can be.” Amos paces the room. “Please don’t take him back, Alma. I’m begging you. He will break your heart over and over again. I know you loved him, and that’s hard to get over, but you have to be strong.”
“I’m sorry. You just can’t understand. There are things about him that you don’t know, and I can’t tell you. He’s a good person, and he loves me more than anyone else could possibly love me.”
“Are you fucking serious right now?” Amos shouts, and I take a step back.
He’s never yelled at me or been this angry with me our entire lives. The rage explodes from him, filling the room with a tension so thick that I’m choking on it. It’s hard to pull in a deep breath. I start to cry as anguish squeezes my heart. I understand his anger, but I can’t promise him that I won’t go back to Leo because I honestly don’t know.
Amos flinches when I take a step away from him and shakes his head, his fists clenching at his sides. He looks to me, broken. “You have a really warped idea of what love is. I thought I knew you, but you’re different. I don’t think I know you anymore.” He steps toward the door.
“Wait,” I cry. “Please don’t go.”
“I have to leave, or I’m going to end up saying something I’ll really regret. Once words are spoken, they’re out there forever. Some words are really hard to forgive, Alma.” He opens the door and leaves me alone—something he has never done.
Quinn returns to the room a couple of hours later to find me crying and eating my weight in chocolate.
“Oh my gosh! What’s wrong?” She rushes toward me.
I tell her everything, and she just listens, her arm around me as I snot on her shoulder. It’s an overwhelming feeling to have Amos mad at me. We’ve never been in a fight, and I’m not entirely sure how to handle it.
“That explains it,” Quinn says when I finally finish.
“What?”
“Well, I got a text from Amos, telling me that he can’t make it out with us tonight and that he enjoyed getting to know me this year and wishes me well.”
I raise my head from Quinn’s shoulder and look to her. “He broke up with you via text?”
She laughs. “I think so!”
“So tacky!” I let out a chuckle and wipe the tears from my cheeks. “What a jerk.” The last statement feels like a betrayal, and I immediately want to take it back.
“Eh”—she flicks her wrist, swiping her hand in front of her—“we weren’t really serious. I mean, we were crazy in lust over one another, but I didn’t love him. He’s a good guy, and he gave me company this year. It was fun while it lasted. He doesn’t owe me anything.”
“He is a good guy. Though he hates me now, so …”
Quinn pushes my arm. “He doesn’t hate you. He could never. He loves you to death. He’s just worried for you—and honestly, with good reason.”
“Please don’t,” I beg, not wanting to argue with my other best friend on our last night together.
“I’m not.” She pats my leg. “You know how I feel about it, but ultimately, it’s your life. Only you can make the decision. I’ll support you either way, and so will Amos once he chills out a little.”
“Thank you.” I place my hand atop hers and squeeze. “See, why can’t Amos be as levelheaded as you?”
“He loves you more. You pull this shit in a few years, and we’ll have words,” she says with attitude, causing me to laugh.
“I’m going to miss you.”
“Same. What are you going to do next year? I’m feeling really guilty.”
Quinn broke it to me that she signed a lease at the sorority house in the fall.
“Same as I did this year. Move into the dorms with a new roommate. I’m sure the university will pair me up with someone cool. They did a good job this year.”
“You’d better not love your new roomie more than me,” Quinn says with a huff.
“I can’t promise.” I grin.
“Um, yes, you can because no one is going to replace me. And you’d better promise to hang out with me next year.”
“Of course I will. We’ll hang out all the time.”
Quinn looks around the room at my bags and boxes, the ones that Amos was going to help me move.
“First of all, don’t worry about your stuff. When my dad gets here tomorrow, we’ll load your things up and drop them off at your new place before we pack up my boxes. My dad will be happy to help.”
“Thank you,” I say because I thought I was going to have to walk my stuff over box by box, which would have been awful.
“Now, secondly, we are going to go all out tonight. I’m talking hair, makeup, outfit … all of it. It’s the last party of the year. We’re ending the year, looking hot. I mean, we’re always hot,” she clarifies, “but irresistible.”
“Irresistible. Got it.” I feign excitement because even after being Quinn’s roommate for eight months, parties still aren’t my thing. But hanging out with her is, so I’ll suck it up.
“Thank goodness you’re not majoring in acting.” Quinn giggles.
“What? I’m super excited.”
Quinn hops off of my bed and starts thumbing through her closet, which she hasn’t even started packing up yet. “You’re not, but I don’t care. I’ll take it.”
THIRTY-EIGHT
Alma
“Huh,” I say out loud to my empty apartment. My boxes and bags of clothes are piled in the small living area, and save for that pile and myself … the apartment is empty. Completely empty.
Coming from the dorm life, I didn’t even take into consideration that the girl I subleased from would be taking all of her furniture and, well, everything else. There isn’t so much as a plastic fork left in the kitchen.
“How much does a girl really need?” Apparently, talking to myself is my new thing now that I’m without a roommate.
I don’t need much, honestly. I can get an Uber to the dollar store and get some paper plates, plastic silverware, and frozen dinners. At least there’s a built-in microwave. I can sleep on the floor. I have a blanket and pillow. It will be like camping. I don’t need a chair or TV. Most of the summer, I plan on working, and when I’m not, I can lean up against the wall and read.
Totally doable.
I haven’t heard from Amos, which sucks.
Quinn is on her way up to Northern Michigan with her dad, which is great for her but blows for me.
I’m feeling a little lonely and lost. I’m on summer break, so I don’t have any pressing homework, and I’m off work this weekend, something about Luca being overstaffed. So, I have nothing to keep my mind off of Leo.
It’s almost impossible not to think about him every second of the day, but with idle time on my hands, it’s hopeless. I’m not trying to be cruel or unfair to him. He deserves a solid answer. All of this I need time nonsense can’t go on forever. I’ve just been scared.
Amos was right about one thing. I’m stronger than this.
I already know my answer. My heart, body, and soul have been screaming it since the day I stopped by Leo’s home. I have to find the strength to tell him and be bold enough to face the consequences.
Grabbing my phone and keys, I lock up my new place and walk the block to Leo’s house.
With a steadying breath, I rap my knuckles against his door. He opens after a few seconds.
He releases a sigh, happy and relieved, and I feel it down in my soul. A smile graces his gorgeous face, and he steps to the side, inviting me in. I enter hesitantly.
The space looks the same, except for some new furniture. Just being here makes my chest ache. I’ve missed everything about this place, but mostly, I’ve missed the man standing before me.
“Can I get you something? Bottle of water?” he prods, a nervous energy surrounding his words.
“No, I’m fine.” I take a seat on
the new sectional sofa.
“How are you?” he asks with genuine concern. “Exams? Work? An apartment?”
“Everything’s good. Passed everything with flying colors. Haven’t worked since the night you were in. Luca doesn’t need me this weekend. And I found an apartment—about a block from here actually. Speaking of my apartment, thank you for your tip. I’d offer to pay you back, but I know you won’t take it. It saved me though,” I admit.
As much as I wanted to march over to Leo’s house after he left me that tip, for the first time in weeks, I wasn’t stressing out about being homeless. He gave me the means to find a place.
“You’re welcome, and you’re right. You don’t owe me anything.”
“How are you?” I question, and we both know what I mean.
“Well, I’d be better if you forgave me and took me back, but to answer the question you’re asking, I’m good. I told you, it’s different this time. I’m going to keep putting in the work to live a healthy life.”
“What if we don’t get back together? Are you going to relapse?” I hate even asking the question, but I have to know.
“No, Alma, I’m not.” He sits down beside me and holds my hand between his. “You were right. I’ve suffered enough. I owe it to myself to try to live a normal life and be healthy and happy.”
“Really?” I swallow a lump in my throat.
“Really, I’m okay. You don’t have to worry about me or feel guilty if you don’t want to be with me.”
“I’ve been wondering something,” I say. “Remember on Christmas Day, how you kept making me promise? You kept saying, ‘Promise me.’ What did I promise?”
Leo looks down at his lap, taking a fortifying breath before his eyes return to me, bright and stunning and broken. “I wanted you to promise that you’d always love me and not for who you wanted me to be, but for who I really was. I wanted you to promise that you’d love me enough to stay. I knew I was breaking, and I wanted to know that you’d love me when I came out on the other side. Because, Alma, I am an addict and always will be. Recovering or not, that darkness will always be there. I’m far from perfect. I’ve been ruined and beat down. I have a temper. I’m moody. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have issues. In truth, the only thing I’ve ever been certain about is my love for you. And I truly believe that no one could love you as much as I do. Not because you’re not worthy of it, but because my love is so deep. It’s all-encompassing. Everything good in me is entangled with my love for you.”
“Christmas Day, I promised to love you for who you are?” My voice breaks.
“Yeah, but you didn’t know.”
“I think part of me always knew. I think that’s why our love is so strong—because our souls are connected, bare and open. I see you, your beautiful side and your broken one. You see the same in me. I do love you for who you are. My hesitation about getting back together has nothing to do with my love for you and everything to do with me and the life I want.” My eyes fill with unshed tears.
Leo visibly swallows as his gaze holds mine. “I understand that, and it’s smart. I can’t promise you everything that you want to hear. I can only tell you that I don’t ever want to be out of control again. I can promise you that I’m going to try every single day. I will never stop fighting because a life with you is worth fighting for. And I think my fight, my best fight, will be enough. I do, Alma. But I can’t promise you.”
A tear escapes, and I brush it away. “You know, Amos and I used to play this game, growing up—Would You Rather? You’ve heard of it, I’m sure. The other day, I was thinking back to a night when he and I were lying outside in a hammock, looking at the stars and asking each other questions for hours. Most of them were silly. Would you rather only be able to eat or only be able to drink for the rest of your life? Would you rather hiccup every five minutes or sneeze every thirty? Would you rather have no eyebrows for a year or be completely bald for a week?”
Leo watches me intently, listening.
I continue, “Well, I specifically remember this one question from that night. Would you rather be with your one true love for a short time and lose him or never be with him at all and be spared the pain of losing him? As I looked up at the stars before answering, I thought to myself, If I’m lucky enough to experience true love, then I’ll take it for as long as I can get it. One day with my soul mate is better than a lifetime without him.” I taste the tears now flowing down my cheeks and over my lips. “I hope we’re lucky enough for forever, but I’ll take every day I can get.”
“Really?” Leo asks, unsure.
“Really.” I nod. “I love you, Leo. You are a once-in-a-lifetime love. I’d be an idiot to let you go. And I’m so proud of you and what you’ve done for not only yourself, but also for us. You’re so much stronger than you think you are, and I know you’ll try every day for us.”
“I will, Alma. I will.” He peppers kisses over my face, loving away my tears. “It was all the chocolate that did the trick, wasn’t it?” he kids.
I shrug playfully. “You know the key to my heart.”
Leo lifts me from the couch, our lips connected as he walks us up the stairs. He pulls away, whispering, “True to your name, you’re my soul mate. My one and only. Without you, my life has little purpose. I love you, baby.”
“I love you.” I kiss his neck as he navigates us toward the bedroom.
“And by the way, you’re moving in with me. That hole of an apartment you’re staying in isn’t good enough for you.”
“What?” I gasp. “How did you …”
“I know everything about you. I wanted you to get a place of your own so that you’d know you were coming back to me for the right reasons. I didn’t want you to have an excuse to second-guess your desire to be here. But here is where you belong. Your apartment can house your extra belongings, but I want you in my bed and in my life every single day. I don’t want to miss a second with you.” He sets me on his bed and starts removing my clothes.
“You’re so bossy.” I glare toward him, but it’s all in jest. Truth is, now that I’ve been brave enough to admit that I need Leo as much as he needs me, I don’t want to be without him either.
“You promised to love me as is,” he teases, making quick work of undressing.
My mouth falls open because Leo has always been the hottest man I’ve ever seen, but now, he’s even more buff and muscled.
“Like what you see, babe?” He chuckles at my gawking expression.
“Hell yes,” I sigh, a rush of need hitting me.
“We are encouraged to work out, endorphins and shit. Since my only pastime was missing you, I’ve been working out like it’s my full-time job.”
“I approve.” I grin as Leo crawls up my body and slides on a condom.
“This first time is going to be hard and rough because I’ve been dreaming about this for too damn long. The rest will be slow and drawn out, and I promise to pay attention to every part of you because I’ve been craving every inch.” Leo’s words are husky and dripping with want.
Threading my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, I pull his lips to mine as he enters me. I moan into his mouth. Nothing has ever felt better.
I am exactly where I am meant to be.
Please don’t hurt me. Please don’t break my heart. Please don’t ruin me. I chant silent prayers in my head as he makes love to me.
I’ve made my decision. I am Leo’s, and he is mine. Being with him was never a choice; it was my destiny. Now, all I can do is pray that he doesn’t destroy me. All I can do is pray that our love is powerful enough to keep his demons at bay.
I will love him so hard and deeply that his broken soul will heal back together. Love can do amazing things, and just maybe, this time, it will be enough.
Please be enough.
THIRTY-NINE
Alma
Leo’s arm drapes over my waist, and he pulls me closer. His bare skin is warm and silky against mine.
&
nbsp; “Don’t leave,” he grumbles into my hair, his voice still gravelly from slumber.
“I have to. I’m scheduled to work a double today.” I trace my pointer finger over the taut skin of his muscled forearm.
In fairness, I don’t have any desire to leave Leo’s bed either. The past five days have been nothing short of incredible. We’ve only left his bed to shower or to answer the door when our food is delivered. We’ve talked, laughed, and made love for hours. Existing here in this space is my utopia; he’s my heaven on earth. My soul feels whole again. My lungs rejoice as I can finally take a full breath after months of struggling to find air. I don’t ever want to be without Leo again.
“He’ll survive without you.” Leo kisses my shoulder, sending warm tingles throughout my body.
I sit up, refusing to let my desire for Leo take over. If I succumb to it, I’ll never make it to work.
“He needs servers, and I need a job.” I giggle as Leo attempts to pull me back down toward him.
“I need service, and I’ll gladly pay you for it,” he taunts, and I jump from the bed, needing distance between him.
I shake my head with a laugh. “I’m pretty sure we’ve established that’s illegal.”
“Seriously, I have money. You can have it all. I just want you,” he says evenly, propping his body up with his arm.
“I know, Leo. I don’t want to be away from you either, but we have to create some sort of normalcy. There are times when we have to be apart. I need to work and earn my own money. You should spend time on your online classes, work out, whatever. It will feel good to be productive, I promise.”
“I disagree,” he groans, sitting up against the headboard of his bed. “It will feel good to be in you.”