by N. R. Walker
“Um, why?”
“Well, I told you he’s a painter,” he said. I nodded, and Jordan sighed. “He’s high as a kite on industrial adhesive.”
I snorted a laugh. “Really?”
Merry nodded. “Really. And anything he says or does on a good day is questionable, but he’s adorable and we love him.”
“I’m sure he’s not that bad,” I said before pouring myself a glass of table water and taking a sip.
Jordan grimaced. “Just please promise you won’t hold me accountable.”
“I promise,” I said, smiling at him.
“Good, because here he comes.”
The only guy walking our way from the bathrooms was short and stocky, well-muscled, well-built, tanned, and handsome in a rugged, outdoorsy way. He had sandy-blond hair that was short and mussed up, brown eyes—well, I think they were, they were barely slits—and he had a wide smile. He was also wearing a Hawaiian shirt that was so bright it could possibly be used to land aircraft, and faded jeans with a hole at the knee that didn’t look artfully created. More like he’d tackled someone and ripped them. He also wore work boots. Again, not the stylish Timberland variety, but more of the ‘just came from the building site’ kind.
When Jordan had said he and Angus were complete opposites, he wasn’t joking. They were poles apart.
“Man, those lights in the bathroom are freaky,” Angus said as he sat down across from me, a slow drawl to his husky voice. “Heyyyy, you must be Hennessy.”
“I am. Nice to meet you,” I said, offering my hand for him to shake.
His hand was rough and calloused. Definitely had tradesman’s hands. “Like the cognac,” he said, nodding.
“Yep, like the cognac,” I replied. I wasn’t sure if him being high was the reason he spoke slow and spaced out or if that was just him, but it was hard not to like him.
“You’re the guy who’s got Jay all tied up in knots.”
Jordan groaned. “Thanks, Angus. That’s not embarrassing at all.” I slid my hand onto Jordan’s thigh and he gave me a smile.
“So many knots,” Angus said, then he snorted and laughed. “And all the smiles and there’s been gliding.”
Jordan’s eyes closed slowly, but Merry tilted her head and squinted at Angus. “Gliding?”
Angus nodded enthusiastically. “Much gliding. He gliiiiiiiiiides.” He panned his hand across the horizon. “He never used to glide. The gliding is new. As is the smiling. But then—”
“Thanks, Angus,” Jordan said, then cleared his throat. He shoved a menu in front of him. “Have you looked at the menu yet?”
Angus nodded slowly. “Indeed I have. I’m feeling the eggplant, the lamb, and the chicken.”
Jordan looked at his menu, then to Angus. “That’s three mains.”
Angus stared at Jordan. “I’m a tad peckish. You really shouldn’t judge or food-shame me, Jay. It’s not like you, and frankly, I’m a little surprised.”
Jordan and Merry both stared at Angus, and I tried not to laugh but it won out in the end. “He’s right,” I said with a grin. “Food-shaming isn’t cool.”
Then Jordan and Merry turned their wide eyes to me, and Angus laughed. “See? My man Hennessy is a’ight.”
I nudged Jordan’s shoulder and leaned in really close to whisper, my lips brushed his ear. “I like him, and he thinks I’m a’ight.”
Jordan blushed and he opened his mouth to say something, but Angus beat him to it. “Hennessy, are you familiar with limericks?” he asked.
That was one hell of a subject change. “I am.”
Jordan whisper-hissed across the table. “Angus, there will be no limericks.”
Angus laughed and nodded. “There once was a man called Hennessy,” he said, grinning. “Who caught the bus numbered three-five-three.”
“Oh, God,” Merry said, looking around the restaurant. “We need a waiter.”
Jordan cringed and I laughed.
“Now Jay here was smitten.”
Jordan rubbed his temple and Merry looked on with horrified resignation.
Angus leaned in and put his hands in the shape of a ball. “Like a cute little kitten.”
Jordan squeaked. “Such a disaster.”
But Angus raised his hands, waving them to me with a flourish. “But Hennessy was too, as anyone can see.”
I burst out laughing and Angus offered me a fist bump. Jordan slumped in his seat but nudged my thigh with his. “Don’t encourage him.”
“That was pretty good,” I said to Angus. “Are limericks a specialty?”
“I have lots more,” he said. “There was a man called Jay. Who liked men because, you know, he’s gay.”
“This is going to end terribly,” Jordan mumbled.
Merry was now trying not to smile and I put my arm around Jordan’s shoulder.
Angus grinned. “But they were all out of luck, because Jay don’t like to—”
“Angus Walter Spears,” Jordan whisper-shouted across the table. “You will not finish that line.”
Merry put her hands to her mouth to hide her laugh, but I laughed right out loud, giving Jordan’s shoulder a squeeze, and I kissed the side of his head. “They weren’t all out of luck. I certainly am not.”
Merry snorted. “The night’s not over yet.”
Jordan let out the mother of all sighs and closed his eyes. “Siri, what is the definition of disaster?”
I cracked up laughing and Angus was still nodding, still smiling.
A waiter appeared at our table, pen and pad in hand. “Oh, thank God,” Merry said. “Please bring us food. It doesn’t matter what kind. Any kind. The fastest thing on your menu, times four.”
“Oooh, food,” Angus said, sitting forward and looking over the menu again. “There once was a man who was famished…”
I laughed again and Jordan put his head on the table. We did manage to order something, and we spent the next few hours eating and laughing… well, mostly laughing. Angus’ high eventually waned, leaving a headache in its wake. Merry had some Panadol in her bag, which he took, and our conversation was quieter after that. The restaurant was almost empty when Jordan excused himself to go to the bathroom.
“So,” Angus said. “Tell us, what’s the story?”
“Story of what?”
“Of you. What’s your life story?” He turned his empty water glass on the table. “I’m guessing you could be around for a while, so what do we need to know.”
“Oh.” My lip drew down. “I’m kind of boring, really. I grew up on the Gold Coast with my parents and two sisters, Saffron and Siobhan. And yes, Saffron, Siobhan, and Hennessy—we got a lot of shit at school for our names,” I said with a laugh. “I was always interested in computers and coding, even in high school. I have a masters in computing science and security, and now, I work with my best friend. Actually, I work for my best friend. It’s an internet security company and it’s like a partnership; I run the technical side but he owns the company and deals with the finances and taxes. It suits me. I moved to Surry Hills when my ex live-in boyfriend decided being with an asexual person wasn’t enough for him. I take the bus because it minimises my carbon footprint. I run four kilometres every day, and I have two Siamese fighting fish and a cactus.”
“What are their names?” Angus asked.
“The fish are Ali and Bruce,” I said, a little embarrassed. “After the only two fighters I could name.”
“Mohammed Ali and Bruce Lee,” Angus said, like he got points for knowing that.
“Yep. And the cactus is called Spike.”
Merry smiled but there was an edge to her brow. “Tell us, what have you learned about Jordan tonight?”
I let out a breath through puffed-out cheeks. “Well. A lot, actually. That he has not only a love of classic literature and seventeenth-century French poets, but he also loves Yaoi graphic novels. I didn’t know that before tonight.” I met Merry’s gaze, then Angus’. “To be honest, I’d been worried that he might turn o
ut to be different when he was with you guys than he was with me. My ex would be like two different people. You know, the guy who he was in public and the guy who he was with me, and it used to bug me. But Jordan’s not like that. The Jordan I’ve spent time with alone is the same Jordan he is with you guys. I’ve learned he has a spectacular sense of humour, that there’s minimal rambling when he’s completely comfortable. He’s really smart, and I learned that he has some pretty amazing friends.”
Merry and Angus both smiled, but said nothing, just as Jordan came back from the bathrooms and slid into his seat. “Am I interrupting anything?” he asked, looking moderately scared.
“Your friends were just giving me the interrogation test,” I said, unable to stop the smile.
He shot them a look of horrified surprise. “They better not have. I gave strict instructions. Strict instructions in point form. It wasn’t difficult. There was only one instruction. No interrogation. We. Are. Not. ASIO.”
I snorted and Merry rolled her eyes at him. “Oh relax. He passed.”
“He did?” Jordan asked.
“I did?” I asked.
Merry nodded and Angus gave us a sly smile. “Yep. Flying colours and all that.”
Jordan visibly relaxed and turned to face me, his hand on my thigh. “I hope it wasn’t too bad. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have left you alone.”
I laced our fingers on my leg. “It was fine, really. Glad I passed though.”
“Are you ready to go?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
He smiled all shy-like. “Did you want to… come back to my place?”
“Oh yes, please.” Angus leaned back and patted his belly. “I need to take off my pants.”
Jordan’s mouth drew into a thin line and he turned back to me. “Or we could go to your place, perhaps?”
I laughed. “Sounds great. Why don’t we cab it? We can drop everyone off at their places on the way.”
And that’s what we did. We dropped Angus off first, then Jordan and I went to my place, and we left some cash with Merry for the final drop-off. We waved her off and Jordan sighed up at the night sky, his breath billowing in the cold night air. “So, it wasn’t a complete disaster.”
“Are you kidding?” I asked, opening the gate to my townhouse. “Your friends are great.”
We got inside and I flipped the lights on, shut the door behind us, and pulled him into my arms. “I had a great night. Your friends are funny as hell. I can see why you like Angus.”
“He’s one of a kind, that’s for sure.”
“Can I get you a drink or take your coat?”
He shook his head. “No. You could kiss me though.”
I laughed and cupped his face before bringing our lips together. It was soft and warm and tender, and it made my knees weak. Eventually I pulled away, smiling at the dazed look on his face. “We could move to the couch? I have a lot of Deep Space Nine episodes to catch up on. Maybe we could make out some more? Hold hands? Cuddle?”
He nodded, so I took his hand and led him to the couch. One episode later, we were lying down—me on my side, Jordan at my front—but he seemed distracted. “You okay?” I asked.
He nodded but scooted up so our faces were close, and this time he kissed me. I let him lead and set the pace, but we pressed together and it was suddenly very intimate. He deepened the kiss, and as soon as our lips met, there was a hint of tongue, and he pulled me closer against him, tangling his tongue with mine and moaning into my mouth.
His reaction surprised me. It wasn’t entirely unwelcome. We both liked to kiss, that much had been established, but I think his reaction surprised him even more. He pulled back and there was fear in his eyes. He put his hand to his lips. “Oh God, I’m sorry.” He swallowed hard and scrambled off the couch to get to his feet. He looked around the room, scared as hell, before taking a step back. “Um, I don’t know where that came from.”
He looked about two seconds from bolting out the door. “Jordan,” I said softly, sitting up. “Don’t apologise for kissing me like that. You can kiss me like that any time you like.”
He squinted his eyes shut before scrubbing his hand over his face. “Maybe I should go,” he said. “I… I need to go.”
I stood up, confused by his reaction, but before I could reply, my phone buzzed in my pocket with an incoming call. I ignored it. “Why? Did I do something wrong?” I asked him. I wanted to reach out and touch his arm but didn’t want to startle him even more.
“No, no,” he answered quickly. “It’s just, I um…”
“You weren’t prepared for your own reaction to kissing me like that?” I prompted.
He barked out a laugh and shifted his weight on his feet, a little panicky. “Something like that.”
My phone rang again and I groaned as I took it out of my pocket. It was Michael. Knowing it was more than likely work-related—if it was conversational, he’d text me first—I really should have answered his call, but Jordan was right there in front of me and kind of freaking out, so I let it go to voicemail.
“Please don’t go,” I said. “Can we talk about what’s wrong? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
He licked his lips and he was about to say something when my phone rang again. I considered throwing it across the room, but three calls back-to-back from Michael meant it was something important.
“I’m sorry, I have to take this,” I said, hitting Answer.
Jordan nodded. But the way he bit his lip and shoved his hands in the back pocket of his jeans told me he was on edge. He stopped closer to the door.
“Hennessy,” Michael said in my ear.
“Michael, what’s up?” I said, not taking my eyes from Jordan. “Please don’t go,” I whispered to him.
“Everything okay?”
“Um, now’s not a good time.”
“Oh, man, I’m sorry to interrupt,” Michael continued. “But it’s Rob. He just got home to find his place ransacked. They took his laptops.”
My heart sank and I sighed. “Fuck. You at the office?”
“On my way as we speak.”
“I’ll be there in fifteen,” I said and disconnected the call. Jordan had got the gist of the phone call, but I needed to explain. “That account I was hoping to wrap up this week? Well, there’s just been a massive security breach. I have to go.”
He nodded quickly. “Yeah, that’s fine. It’s probably for the best. I really should be going anyway. I can see myself out.”
He had to step around me to get to the door, so I grabbed his arm. “Jordan.” He looked at me and there was a look of resignation on his face. “What just happened? What did I do wrong?”
He shook his head. “Nothing. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Then talk to me.”
“I had a great night. The best, really. But I think I need some time… And I don’t think I can be what you need, or something. I don’t even know.”
“What does that mean?”
He shook his head, pulled his arm away, and took a step to the door. “I should let you go. You have to go anyway.”
“I’ll have the taxi drop you off. On my way to the city,” I tried, thinking it would give us time to talk in the car.
“My place isn’t on the way. It’s the opposite direction,” he said. “It’s fine, I can get home. No big deal.”
“Jordan…” I shook my head, not knowing how to fix this.
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said. He opened the door and stopped. He gave me a parting glance before studying the door, and it looked as though his eyes were glassy. “I’m really sorry.”
And he left. The door clicked closed behind him, leaving me heartsore and completely at a loss about what the fuck just happened. I stood there for a few seconds, blinking at where he’d just stood moments before, trying to get my head around it. But my phone rang in my hand again. This time it was Rob. I growled at his name on my screen before I answered his call.
“Did Michael get hold of yo
u?” he asked, no hello, no apology.
“Yes. I’m on my way to the office right now.”
“I’ll see you there then.”
Fucking great. I ended the call without another word, sneering at my phone before pocketing it again. My night just went from shitastic to fucking worse. I grabbed my coat, checked my pockets for wallet and keys and, finding both, picked up my messenger bag and walked out.
Chapter Thirteen
Jordan
Motherfucker, motherfucker, mother-fucking-fucker.
I’m so stupid.
I felt awful. My stomach was in knots, my heart was aching, my mind was a motherfucking mess.
I was glad Angus wasn’t up when I got home. As much I probably should have talked to someone, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and pretend I wasn’t such a goddamned disaster.
But I was.
And it wasn’t bad enough that I could be a hot mess on my own, but I had to bring Hennessy into it. Dear God, the look on his face when I left was something I wouldn’t ever forget. I hurt him. I led him to believe I was someone I’m clearly not.
I wasn’t who or what he needed.
I hurt him, and I hated myself for it.
When I walked in my room, I left all the lights off, kicked off my shoes, but crawled into bed fully dressed, jeans and all.
I reached down to give my dick a squeeze. I wasn’t hard, not even close to it. I slipped my hand under the waistband and cupped my balls and palmed my dick, and… nothing.
Mother fucking nothing.
My head swam, my mind turned in circles. I was so confused. I thought I’d found who I was. I thought I’d found out what I was and found my people like me. And for the first time in years, I’d felt like I’d belonged. Like all the little pieces of me slotted together to complete my bigger picture.
But I was wrong.
I didn’t belong with them, and the picture of my identity was, once more, in a thousand disassembled pieces.
I had a lump in my gut, an ache in my chest, and my eyes burned, so I rolled onto my side and cried myself to sleep.