by John Irving
And now there was bickering between old Lowji and Ranjit because Ranjit had given in. His most recent advertisement in The Times of India had drawn over 100 responses; this was because he’d presented himself as someone who cared about caste and followed a strict vegetarian diet. After all, he told Lowji, he’d been made to observe these things as a child and they hadn’t killed him. “If it helps me to get married,” Ranjit said, “sporting a fresh puja mark, so to speak, will not kill me now.”
Lowji was crushed by this traitorousness; he’d considered Ranjit like a third son, and a cohort in atheism. Furthermore, the interviews (with over 100 prospective fathers-in-law) were having a deleterious influence on Ranjit’s efficiency; he was exhausted all the time, and no wonder—his mind was reeling with comparisons among 100 future wives.
But even in this state of mind, Ranjit was very attentive to the office visit of the Hollywood film goddess Veronica Rose. And since it was Ranjit’s job to formally compose old Lowji’s scribbles into a proper Orthopedic Report, the young man was surprised—after Vera’s teary departure—to see that Lowji had scrawled no more than “joint problem” in the sex symbol’s file. It was highly unusual for the senior Daruwalla to escort any of his patients home, particularly following a mere office visit—and especially when there were other patients waiting to see him. Furthermore, old Dr. Daruwalla had called his own home and told his wife that he was bringing Miss Rose there. All this for a joint problem? Ranjit thought it was most irregular.
Fortunately, the rigorous interviews that were the result of his highly successful matrimonial ads didn’t allow Ranjit much time or energy for speculation on Vera’s “joint problem.” His interest was provoked no further than to ask the senior Daruwalla what sort of joint problem the actress was suffering; Ranjit wasn’t used to typing up an incomplete Orthopedic Report.
“Well, actually,” Lowji said, “I have referred her to another physician.”
“Not a joint problem then?” Ranjit inquired. All he cared about was correctly typing the report.
“Possibly gynecological,” Lowji answered warily.
“What sort of joint problem did she think she had?” Ranjit asked in surprise.
“Her knees,” Lowji said vaguely, with a dismissive wave of his hand. “But I judged this to be psychosomatic.”
“The gynecological problem is psychosomatic, too?” Ranjit inquired. He foresaw difficult typing ahead.
“Possibly,” Lowji said.
“What sort of gynecological problem is it?” Ranjit persisted. At his age, and with his ambition to be a screenwriter, he was thinking that the problem was venereal.
“Itching,” said the senior Daruwalla—and to halt the inquisition at this juncture, he wisely added, “Vaginal itching.” No young man, he knew, cared to contemplate this. The matter was closed. Ranjit’s Orthopedic Report on Veronica Rose was the closest he would ever come to writing a screenplay (many years later, the younger Dr. Daruwalla would read this report with consistent pleasure—whenever he desired to make some contact with the old days).
The patient is confused by her knees. She imagines that she has no vaginal itching, which indeed she has, while at the same time she feels some pain in her knees, which in fact she does not have. Most naturally, a gynecologist is recommended.
And what a gynecologist was selected for the task! Few patients would ever claim that their confidence soared when they placed themselves in the hands of the ancient, accident-prone Dr. Tata. Lowji chose him because he was so senile, he was certain to be discreet; his powers of memory were too depleted for gossip. Sadly, the selection of Dr. Tata was lacking in obstetrical merit.
At least Lowji had the good sense to entrust his wife with the psychological care of Veronica Rose. Meher tucked the pregnant bombshell into a guest bed in the Daruwalla family mansion on old Ridge Road. Meher treated Vera like a little girl who’d just suffered a tonsillectomy. Although doubtless soothing, this mothering wouldn’t solve Vera’s problem; nor was Vera much comforted by Meher’s claim that, in her own case, she hadn’t really remembered the agony and the gore of childbirth. Over time, Meher told the knocked-up actress, only the positive parts of the experience stood out in her mind.
To Lowji, Meher was less optimistic. “Here is a bizarre and thankless situation that you have gotten us into,” she informed her husband. Then the situation worsened.
The next day, Gordon Hathaway called the senior Dr. Daruwalla from the slum set with the bothersome news that Veronica Rose had collapsed between takes. Actually, that was not what had happened. Vera’s so-called collapse had had nothing whatsoever to do with her unwanted pregnancy; she’d simply fainted because a cow had licked her and then sneezed on her. Not that this wasn’t disturbing to Vera, but the incident—like so many day-to-day occurrences in an actual slum—had been poorly observed and fervently misinterpreted by the horde of onlookers who reported the confused event.
Farrokh couldn’t remember if the rudiments for a real slum existed in the area of Sophia Zuber Road in the summer of ’49; he recalled only that there was both a Muslim and a Hindu population in that vicinity, for it wasn’t far from where he’d attended school—at St. Ignatius in Mazagaon. Probably, some kind of slum was already there. And certainly today there is a slum of good size and modest respectability on Sophia Zuber Road.
It’s fair to say that Gordon Hathaway’s movie set at least contributed to what now passes for acceptable housing in the slum on Sophia Zuber Road, for it was there that the slum set was hastily constructed. Naturally, among those hired as extras—to act the part of the slum residents—were actual citizens of Bombay who were looking for an actual slum to move into. And once they’d moved in, they objected to these movie people, who were constantly invading their privacy. Rather quickly, it had become their slum.
Also, there was the matter of the latrine. An army of movie-crew coolies—thugs with entrenching tools—had dug the latrine. But one cannot create a new place to shit without expecting people to shit there. A universal code of defecation applies: if some people are shitting somewhere, others will shit there, too. This is only fair. Defecation in India is endlessly creative. Here was a new latrine; quickly it wasn’t new. And one mustn’t forget the intense heat before the monsoon breaks, and the ensuing floods that attend the onset of the monsoon; these factors, in addition to the sudden plenitude of human excrement, doubtless exacerbated Vera’s morning sickness—not to mention her proneness to fainting on that particular day when she was both licked and sneezed on by a cow.
Gordon Hathaway and the film crew were shooting the scene where the abductors of the dying wife (Vera) are carrying her through the slum en route to the ashram of the snake guru. This is the moment when the idealistic Jesuit missionary, who just happens to be performing various labors of selflessness in the slum, sees the beautiful and unmistakably blond woman whisked along Sophia Zuber Road by a band of raffians unsuitable for her company. There later follows the distraught husband (Neville) and a stereotypically stupid policeman who has clumsily lost the trail. This is the first meeting between the husband and the Jesuit, but it was not the first meeting between Neville and the arrogant Indian actor Subodh Rai, who played the missionary with inappropriately secular handsomeness and cunning.
Meanwhile, many of the new slum’s residents had been forced to move out of “their” slum in order for Gordon Hathaway to shoot this scene. Many more future residents of this new slum were crowding around, desirous to move in. Had any of these onlookers not been so transfixed by Veronica Rose, Neville and Subodh could have been observed flirting with each other off-camera; they were playfully pinching and tickling each other when Vera unaccountably found herself face-to-face with the cow.
Cows, Vera had heard, were holy—although not to the majority of beef-eating bystanders, who were Muslims—but Vera was so shocked to see this cow, first standing in her path and then approaching her, that she took rather a long time to determine what course of action she sho
uld choose. By then, the cow’s moist breath was detectable in her cleavage; since she’d been abducted from the Taj (in the movie) in her nightgown, Vera’s cleavage was quite considerable and exposed. The cow was garlanded with flowers; brightly colored beads were strung on thongs tied around its ears. Neither the cow nor Vera seemed to know what to make of this confrontation, although Vera was certain that she didn’t want to cause some religious offense by being in the least aggressive toward the cow.
“Oh, what pretty flowers!” she remarked. “Oh, what a nice cow!” she said to it. (Veronica Rose’s repertoire of friendly, inoffensive responses was exceedingly small.) She didn’t think she should throw her arms around the cow’s neck and kiss its long, sad face; she wasn’t sure if she should touch the cow at all. But the cow made the first move. It was simply on its way somewhere, and suddenly a film crew in general and a silly woman in particular stood in its way; therefore, it stepped slowly forward—it trod on Vera’s bare foot. Since she’d just been abducted (in the movie), her foot was bare.
Even in great pain, Vera had such a fear of religious zealotry that she didn’t dare scream in the cow’s face, the wet muzzle of which was now pressed against her chest. Not only because of the humid weather but also because of her fear and pain, Vera was soaked with sweat; whether it was merely the salt on her fair skin, or her inviting fragrance—for doubtless Vera smelled vastly better than the other residents of Sophia Zuber Road—the cow at this moment licked her. Both the length and feel of the cow’s tongue was a new experience for Vera, who fainted when the cow violently sneezed in her face. Then the cow bent over her and licked her chest and shoulders.
Thereafter, no one saw clearly what happened. There was demonstrable consternation for Miss Rose’s welfare, and some rioting by those onlookers who were outraged by what they’d seen; the rioters themselves were uncertain of what they’d seen. Only Vera would later conclude that the rioters had rioted on behalf of a sacred cow. Neville Eden and Subodh Rai vaguely wondered if Vera had fainted in response to their observed sexual interest in each other.
By the time the Daruwallas found their way to the van, which served as Miss Rose’s makeup room and a first-aid station, the Muslim owner of a bidi shop had spread the word all along Sophia Zuber Road that a blond American movie star, naked to her waist, had licked a cow and thereby caused widespread rioting among the sensitive Hindu population. Such mischief was unnecessary; riots didn’t need reasons. If there was a reason for this one, it was probably that too many people wanted to move into the movie-set slum and they were impatient that they had to wait for the movie; they wanted to start living there immediately. But Vera, of course, would always imagine that everything had happened because of her and the cow.
It was into the midst of this bedlam that the Daruwalla family arrived to rescue the indelicately pregnant Miss Rose. Her state of mind hadn’t been improved by the cow, but the senior Dr. Daruwalla could conclude only that Vera had a bruised and swollen right foot—and that she was still pregnant. “If Neville won’t have me, I’ll put the baby up for adoption,” Vera said. “But you’ve got to arrange it all here,” she told Lowji and Meher and Farrokh. She felt certain that her “American audience” wouldn’t sympathize with her for a child born out of wedlock; more to the point, her uncle wouldn’t use her in another picture (if he knew); worse, Danny Mills, out of a drunk’s special sentimentality, would insist on adopting the baby himself (if he knew). “This has gotta be strictly between us!” Miss Rose told the helpless Daruwallas. “Find me some fuckin’ rich people who want a white baby!”
The interior of the van was a virtual sauna; the Daruwallas wondered if Vera was suffering from dehydration. Admittedly, Lowji and Meher felt unfamiliar with the moral logic of Westerners; they turned to their European-educated son for some guidance on this subject. But even to Farrokh it seemed an odd, questionable gift—to present India with another baby. Young Farrokh politely suggested that a baby might be more welcome for adoption in Europe or America, but Miss Rose sought secrecy at all cost—as if, morally, whatever she did in India, and whomever she left behind here, would somehow remain unrecorded, or at least never be counted against her.
“You could have an abortion,” the senior Dr. Daruwalla suggested.
“Don’t you dare mention that word to me,” said Veronica Rose. “I’m not that kind of person—I was brought up with certain moral values!”
While the Daruwallas puzzled over Vera’s “moral values,” the van was rocked violently from side to side by a rowdy mob of men and boys. Lipstick and eyeliner rolled off the shelves of the van—and powders, and moisturizers, and rouge. A jar of sterile water crashed, and one of alcohol; Farrokh caught a falling box of gauze pads, and another of Band-Aids, as his father made his way to the sliding panel door. Veronica Rose screamed so loudly that she didn’t hear what old Lowji shouted to the men outside; nor did she hear the sound of the several beatings, as various thugs among the film-crew coolies fell upon the mob with the entrenching tools they’d used to dig the not-so-new latrine. Miss Rose lay on her back, clutching the sides of her trembling cot, as small, colorful jars of this and that dropped harmlessly on her.
“Oh, I hate this country!” she yelled.
“It is merely a passing riot,” Meher assured her.
“I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!” Vera cried. “It is the most awful country in the world—I simply hate it!”
It occurred to young Farrokh to ask the actress why, then, she would ever want to leave her own baby here in Bombay, but he felt he was too ignorant of the cultural differences between Miss Rose and himself to be critical. Farrokh wished to remain forever ignorant of the differences between these movie people and himself. At 19, young men are given to moral generalizations of a sweeping kind. To hold the rest of the United States responsible for the behavior of the former Hermione Rosen was a tad severe; nevertheless, Farrokh felt himself edging away from a future residence in the United States.
In short, Veronica Rose made Farrokh feel physically ill. Surely the woman should take some responsibility for her own pregnancy. And she’d tarnished Farrokh’s sacred memory of Lady Duckworth’s exhibitionism! In legend, Lady Duckworth’s self-exposure had seemed elegant but not greatly tempting. In Farrokh’s mind, Lady Duckworth’s breasts were only a symbolic display. But, forever after, Farrokh was left with the more tangible memory of Vera’s raw tits—they were such a sincerely carnal offering.
The Camphor Man
With all this trash in his past, it’s little wonder that Farrokh was still sitting at his table in the darkening Ladies’ Garden of the Duckworth Club. In the time it had taken the younger Dr. Daruwalla to recall such a past, Mr. Sethna had provided him with another cold Kingfisher. Farrokh hadn’t touched his new beer. The faraway look in Dr. Daruwalla’s eyes was almost as distant as that gaze of death which the doctor had recently seen in the eyes of Mr. Lal, although (it’s already been said) the vultures had spoiled a clear impression.
At the Great Royal Circus, about an hour before the early-evening performance, a stooped man carrying a burning brazier would walk along the avenue of troupe tents; live coals were glowing in the brazier, and the aromatic camphor smoke drifted into the tents of the acrobats and the animal trainers. The camphor man would pause by each tent to be sure that enough smoke wafted inside. In addition to the medicinal properties attributed to camphor—it was often used as a counter-irritant for infections and in the treatment of itching—the smoke was of superstitious importance to the circus performers. They believed that inhaling camphor smoke protected them from the evil eye and the dangers of their profession—animal attacks, falling.
When Mr. Sethna saw Dr. Daruwalla close his eyes and throw back his head and draw a deep breath of the flowery air in the Ladies’ Garden, the old Parsi steward mistook the reason. Mr. Sethna wrongly assumed that Farrokh had felt an evening breeze and therefore was enjoying a sudden infusion of the scent from the surrounding bougainvillea. But Dr. Daruwa
lla was sniffing for the camphor man, as if the doctor’s memories of the past were in need of both a disinfectant and a blessing.
6
THE FIRST ONE OUT
Separated at Birth
As for Vera, young Farrokh wouldn’t be a witness to the woman’s worst behavior; he would be back in school in Vienna when Veronica Rose gave birth to twins and elected to leave one of them in the city she hated—she took the other one home with her. This was a shocking decision, but Farrokh wasn’t surprised; Vera was a spur-of-the-moment sort of woman, and Farrokh had observed the monsoon months of her pregnancy—he knew the kind of insensitivity that she was capable of. In Bombay, the monsoon rains begin in mid-June and last until September. To most Bombayites, the rains are a relief from the heat, despite the blocked drains. It was only July when the shooting of the terrible film was finished and the movie rabble left Bombay—alas, leaving poor Vera behind for the remainder of the monsoon and beyond.
It was for “soul-searching” that she told them all she was staying. Neville Eden didn’t care whether she was staying or going; he’d taken Subodh Rai to Italy—a pasta diet, Neville told young Farrokh with relish, improved one’s stamina for the rigors of buggery. Gordon Hathaway was attempting to edit One Day Well Go to India, Darling in Los Angeles; despite changing its title to The Dying Wife, no amount or convolution of editing could save the picture. Every day, Gordon cursed his family for burdening him with a niece as willful and untalented as Vera.
Danny Mills was drying out in a private sanitarium in Laguna Beach, California; the sanitarium was slightly ahead of its time—it favored vigorous calisthenics in tandem with a grapefruit-and-avocado diet. Danny was also being sued by a limousine company, because Harold Rosen the producer was no longer paying for Danny’s so-called business trips. (When Danny couldn’t stand it another second in the sanitarium, he’d call a limo to drive him to L.A. and wait for him while he consumed a hearty beef-oriented dinner and two or three bottles of a good red wine; then the limo would return him to Laguna Beach, where Danny would arrive sated but with his tongue the shape and color of a raw chicken liver. Whenever he was drying out, it was red wine he craved above all else.) Danny wrote to Vera daily—staggeringly claustrophobic love letters, some of them running 20 typed pages. The gist of these letters was always the same and quite simple to understand: that Danny would “change” if Vera would marry him.