by RJ Scott
He shook his head ruefully, and I couldn’t help but think just how damn cute he was.
“Diapers are hell,” I agreed, and he smiled at me. Simply sharing that one small thing was another connection between us.
“The books never told me just how bad they could be.”
“No book can prepare you for real life,” I reassured him. “Things can turn on a dime.”
“You sound like you’re speaking from experience.”
“Believe me, I am. When you’re in medical school, you’re told all kinds of things about procedure, about keeping yourself safe, but when it’s hands-on in the ER, it’s like battlefield medicine, so comfortable procedure flies out of the window.”
He went silent and wrapped his arms around his knees, looking impossibly vulnerable, so much so that I wanted to hug him hard. After kissing him, of course.
“My sister is bathing Mia. Then apparently they might go and sit in the garden, and through that, I am supposed to sit and wait for them and enjoy the sunshine, or failing that, sleep.”
“Maybe you should sleep.”
He glanced at me. “I look that bad, huh?”
It was on the tip of my tongue to say that he might well feel exhausted, but he was sexy and hot. He actually ticked all my boxes, all dark and brooding, and with a runner’s build. We were around the same height, and I imagined that kissing his plump pink lips would be worth taking my time over. Knowing he was gay just made everything much clearer. I loved babies, and it appeared that I was attracted to tired-looking single gay dads. I could get behind having some neighborly fun.
“She’s only in town a little while, and then she’s heading home.”
His words broke through my appreciative assessment, right at the time I realized that him living next door would make hookups a disastrous option.
“Where is home for her?” I said to get things back on track.
“Near Pala. It’s where I grew up.”
“Not far then.”
“No, an hour or so in the car, but her kids, my niece and nephew, are being looked after by friends because her husband, Dan, is overseas right now. He’s military.” He let out another sigh. “It’s completely selfish, but I spent the first few weeks at her house, with her helping me to learn things, and she made me go home, so I’d learn, but she’s come over because of the twin thing, and now, I’m scared for her to leave.”
“I understand that.”
“It’s stupid how sorry I feel for myself.”
“Hey, you want to know who lives next door to you?” I thumbed at my house. “There’s me. I’m a doctor and can help you with all kinds of chills and fevers.” His eyes widened, and I moved to reassure him immediately. “Not that your baby will get either of those.”
“Mia, her name is Mia.”
“Well, I happen to know as a doctor that any baby named Mia is immune from childhood illnesses,” I deadpanned and actually managed to raise a smile.
“I’ll remember that.”
“Anyway, so you have me. Then there is Eric, who you met under difficult circumstances. He’s a firefighter, a really strong guy, so he can come over and help you lift stuff, check your smoke detector, that kind of thing. He’s also amazing at starting barbecues. Lastly there is Leo who is a cop, so if you have any issues, you can call on him, problems with neighbors, that kind of thing. He has a dog, Cap, named after Captain America, a black lab who eats everything in sight. So even after your sister goes, we can all be there if you need us, a ready-made first-responders unit right next door.” A smile lit up his dark eyes, and my lust levels increased sharply. He’s gorgeous.
Yes, he was a new dad; yes, there was a baby in there, but God, I wanted to kiss the man as desperately as I needed my next breath. Or at least touch him. All over. With my mouth.
I moved away a little in case my hands and lips got the better of me, but thankfully he didn’t notice.
“I want this to work.”
“Then it will. You should come over,” I blurted because it seemed I had lost all of my game. Where was the interesting conversation and the detailed questions about him being a new dad? Or commenting on the story about the ex. Vanished, that’s what. “Get a beer or something, meet the guys?”
“Maybe, when Mia has grown up and left home.” He laughed at his own joke, and I smiled along with him.
The one insistent question I had inside me pushed to the front and wouldn’t be denied. “So you and Darius, you’re not together anymore?”
Ash scrubbed at his eyes. “God, no.”
“Would you like to come out with me for coffee or something? A date maybe?”
Coffee. A walk. Some kissing. Sex. Whatever.
Ash huffed a loud laugh and stood, slapping his mail on his thigh. “Yeah, right. You’re a funny man.”
He shut his front door behind him faster than I could stand up. He thought I was joking? The thought of kissing him? Of touching him? Of all the kinds of hot and nasty things we could do together? I was hard and had to restrain myself from suggesting a date much more interesting and obvious than a casual coffee between friends.
I hadn’t been joking.
Asher
“Was that Doctor Hottie from next door you were talking to?” Siobhan asked as soon as I stepped into the kitchen. She was stirring something that smelled like heaven, in a pot on the stove. Mia was in her rocker, and the music was playing low. I didn’t dignify the Hottie comment from Siobhan, even though, yep, he was a hundred kinds of sexy and right up my street. Those eyes, and that layered hair a guy could get his fingers into, and those lips.
I could think a lot about those lips. Imagine I wasn’t exhausted as hell and actually available and awake enough to hook up? I could go for Sean. I could lay him out on my bed and eat him alive.
No. Not on my bed. Mia is in my room.
The bigger spare room. No, that is where the nursery is all ready for Mia.
The smaller spare room and the single bed. Yep, I’ll spread him out on that single bed, and then I’ll kiss him and suck him, and I’ll wait only long enough until I fall right the hell off the tiny bed and end up on the floor.
“Earth to Ash, come in Ash.”
In my thoughts, I was still on the floor, with Sean the-hot-sexy-doctor looming over me, and it took me a while to refocus. Siobhan smirked. I ignored her and crossed to Mia and fussed over her as she stared at me. Her eyes were wide open, and I wondered if they would darken from the pale blue gray or would this be her permanent color. The egg donor I used had hazel eyes, I had brown eyes, but that didn’t mean anything according to her pediatrician, because it seemed eye color was much more complicated than I’d been taught in high school.
According to the information, I had to wait between six and nine months to see for sure. I knew that because eye color was on my milestone list that was pinned to the fridge. What was gratifying about the list was that some things were checked off already. She had lost weight after birth, made the weight back, was holding my gaze longer, even though I knew I was still a blur. She was interested in the world around her, and I was sure if she could talk, she would say she loved a few things—like a fresh diaper, me rocking her to sleep, formula, and the fact that I was her dad.
I have to believe she loves that I’m her dad.
Eye color was only one of the exciting things I would find out about my daughter. She kicked her legs and caught hold of my thumb, instinctively closing her fingers around it and pulling it to her mouth.
“You don’t want that dirty thumb,” I warned and disentangled myself, pressing a kiss to her hair.
“Ash? Hello? Who were you talking to?”
“Sean. He was telling me all about my new neighbors next door, of which he is one, and it sounds like the start of a bad joke.”
“Huh?” She turned from the stove and poured the saucepan contents into two bowls.
“You know like, a doctor, a firefighter, and a cop moved in next door.”
Sh
e gestured for me to sit. I took the stool next to where Mia was, and grabbed a bread roll from the plate in the middle.
“Useful to have experts like that real close,” she commented and dunked her bread into the rich, creamy chicken soup she’d dished up.
We subsided into silence as we both ate.
“Is it still okay for us all to visit next weekend?”
“Yes, absolutely.”
This time she’d bring Evan and Debs, who were both excited to meet their new cousin again. I had the warm and fuzzies thinking about them with Mia, even though I knew Evan would still be pissed that Mia wasn’t old enough to play computer games with him, given that those games framed his entire life. Debs, on the other hand, would be over the moon to have Mia to fuss over again. Which reminded me, the very next moment I was able to think about more than Mia and surviving without sleep, I really needed to get the bedrooms fixed up with new linen.
“There was a message on your machine,” Siobhan said when I’d finished my soup and drunk most of my coffee. The fact that she’d left it until after I’d eaten made me think it was a message I didn’t want to know about.
“From Mom?”
“No, Darius.”
My heart sank. As much as I had once wanted to hear him acknowledge that Mia was perfect and he was wrong to have left, I was done wanting to talk to him.
“What does he want?”
“I didn’t play the message. I’m not that kind of sister.”
I leveled her with a look, knowing full well she’d listened, and she bit her lip to stop herself from laughing. After a few moments of staring each other out, she sighed.
“Okay, so I listened. I couldn’t help it. I was fielding calls in case it was Mom.”
“That is the flimsiest excuse I’ve ever heard,” I teased because I really needed to find lightness in this situation. At the end of it, a call from Darius never left me in a good place.
“Sue me,” she said and then grew serious. “He wanted to know how you are, and said he was back in the States at the end of the month.”
“Really?” Stupid, pathetic, soul-destroying hope swelled in my chest. He was coming home? To see me? And Mia? He would only have to take one glance at Mia, and he would fall in love with her, and maybe we could try again to be a family. I checked for the matching enthusiasm in my sister’s expression, but there wasn’t any. “What?”
“He’s at a conference in New York, says you have to find a babysitter and you have to visit for some fun times.” She did a good impression of Darius and his sometimes nasally, whiny, insistent voice.
My world crashed down again, as it did every time I let a tiny bit of hope back in my heart where Darius was concerned.
“Why do I not learn?” I said and scooped Mia into my arms. She’d become both a shield for me to hide behind and a reason to become a stronger man. “Can you delete the message?”
She shrugged. “I already did. Do you want to talk about it?”
I just wanted to be away from the kitchen and anything like sympathy from Siobhan, so I left, but she followed me, and we ended up standing in the hallway.
“Darius is a lying cheating selfish asshole, and he’s not worth your pain,” she said and hugged me and Mia close. Why did I think following Darius to San Diego was a good idea? I should have stayed in Pala. Even though my mom was in the same place, and even if childhood fears and insecurities plagued me with every turn I made. At least I’d have been near Siobhan.
I tried not to let any of this inner turmoil show on my face, but she was my twin. She knew.
“Look after yourself,” she said with conviction. “You can do this, and we’ll be here next weekend as we planned. I already changed all the bedding and put in a food order to be delivered, so all you need to do is make sure you try and get some sleep, and love your daughter.”
Loving Mia was a given. Sleep, on the other hand, wasn’t guaranteed. I selfishly wanted Siobhan to stay where she could help me navigate everything, but I didn’t ask her. She had her own family, and with Dan away she was a single mom the same as I was a single dad.
I waved her away, standing on the sidewalk, Mia tucked in my arms, and didn’t move once to try and stop her.
“Hi,” a deep booming voice I recognized startled me. I turned to face the big drunken guy who’d woken Mia up the first night I’d had her home. He seemed taller, wider, and I must admit that even though he was smiling, I was intimidated.
“Hey.” I tried for neighborly but began to take a few steps back toward the house.
“So I know Sean apologized for me, but I saw you out here and was thinking it would be good to explain myself to you.”
“You don’t need to do that—”
“We moved in when you weren’t here, and the houses look so alike, and I was drunk because I’d had a bad day. Not that this is an excuse. We all have bad days…” He inhaled and exhaled noisily. This big man screamed capable and firefighter all in one pumped-up look, but his expression was vulnerable. I think he really expected me to be angry with him, but I wasn’t. I mean, I had been on that night. I’d just gotten Mia to sleep, and this big oaf had caused me untold grief, but now, she was awake, happy, and I was in that mellow place that all new parents went to when everything was quiet.
“It’s all good,” I said with extra confidence in my voice in case he didn’t believe me. “Thank you.”
“No, thank you. If there’s anything I can do for you, then you know where I live.” He gestured to the identical house next door. The only difference with the exterior was that their house had a red door, mine was green, but once you got through the door, everything was different. My former neighbors were fond of entertaining, hence a pool, pizza oven, and barbecue set up in the garden, and the sound system piped through the entire house. But yes, from the front, it was easy to get confused if you were drunk and it was dark.
“I’ll remember to ask if anything comes up,” I said and went back inside, closing the door behind me and standing for a moment in the coolness of my hallway. Mia clutched at my shirt, and I looked down at her tiny mouth opening and shutting. That was my cue to feed her, burp her, change her, and then rock her while I checked work emails.
Or maybe I could skip that last part and instead go and sit in the shade in my yard and enjoy the warm day as she took her bottle.
Sounded like a plan, but my messenger showed a hello from my forum buddy, Brady, and Mia was asleep, so I decided to cradle her close, then stay inside and talk to someone who shared my worries about life.
Brady: Hi, how you doing?
Ash: Okay.
Brady: Sounds bad.
Ash: Yeah, my ex contacted me today.
Brady: Are you still talking with him?
I realized I’d begun to look at Brady’s typing and understood some of the jumbled words, and I was translating them in my head. He would switch letters, and the sentence itself was disordered, but other than that, it all made sense, even to my sleep-deprived brain.
Ash: God, no.
Brady: Can I ask you a personal question?
That particular message took a long time to decipher, only because personal came through as peripheral, but it was long enough for me to go from wanting to say no, to wondering what Brady wanted to ask. I wonder how he read things. Was his reading of what I was saying just as bad as his writing?
Ash: OK.
Brady: Is he Mia’s dad?
Ash: You mean, is he the sperm donor? No. That is all me.
Also, I was her dad, her only dad, and no one on this earth would ever take me away from her. I had a will, with guardianship passing to Siobhan, and legally Darius had no claim to Mia. I’d done this alone and had paid for every step. That was one of the single things that let me sleep at night on the off chance Darius had a complete about-face and demanded access.
Brady: That’s good, then.
Ash: Yeah.
We chatted about other things, baseball of which he was a fan, and o
ur shared love of superhero movies, and when we signed off, I had a smile on my face. I really wanted a friend.
And Brady was becoming the friend I needed.
Sean
Beer in one hand, chips in the other, I hovered at Ash’s door. Eric had said he’d seemed friendly this afternoon, but I’d seen his sister leave, and maybe he was lonely right now.
I was only being a good neighbor by coming over and checking on him.
Yeah, right.
I knocked softly, thinking that if he didn’t answer, then I would go home. The last thing I wanted to do was to wake Mia up if she was asleep, or worse, wake Ash up as well. I’d almost given up when Ash opened the door.
“Hi,” I said immediately. “Thought you might like some company.”
“Uhmmm,” he began and shot a look behind him.
“I can only stay an hour, and I won’t be drinking. I’m on shift, but I’ll share the Doritos with you.” I rustled the bag and waited.
“Come in,” he murmured and stepped back from the door. I went inside, marveling again at how two identical houses on the outside could be so different inside. Whereas ours was a real bachelor party house, this one was more sedate, elegant even. I saw a wood burner in the front room that I glimpsed as we passed, along with two solid leather sofas. Everything in this place was understated but quality, and it smelled of baby powder. I placed the beer down on the counter, along with the chips.
“Coffee?” he asked, and I nodded.
I expected him to have beer, but he had the same as me. Maybe beer wasn’t a good fit for a single dad who was fully in charge of a child. Next time maybe I’d bring over some fresh beans for his complicated coffee machine.
“You want to go into the garden room? It’s tidier out there.”
I glanced around his kitchen, which, to my eyes, was clean and organized. The only mess was a pile of laundry on the counter and a box of unopened diapers by the kitchen door. I knew better than to comment though because one man’s mess is another man’s empty space. So I followed him to the glass-roofed addition and wished we had something like it next door.