by Kevin Brooks
Shiva did his best for us – stitching and bandaging my stab wound, fixing up the worst of Chola Ses multiple injuries – but there was little he could do for her innermost wounds. He knew what had been done to her, and he examined her thoroughly to make sure she hadnt suffered any physical damage, but he didnt question her about it too much.
I dont think you have any internal injuries, he told her, but if you feel any sudden pain or you start bleeding a lot, come back and see me immediately, okay?
Shede just nodded.
She was so utterly exhausted when we got to Starrys house that she went straight to bed as soon as we arrived. I was bone-tired too, but after cleaning myself up a bit and having something to eat, I didnt feel quite so bad. And I knew I wouldnt sleep until Ide cleared my head anyway. So while Chola Se slept, I sat down with Starry in his big old clutter-filled living room and told him the whole story.
I told him everything, from the moment Gun Sur had called me into his office to the moment Chola Se had attacked Pilgrim at the tunnel. The only part I left out was the togetherness Ide shared with Chola Se in the hollowed-out trunk. It wasnt that I was embarrassed about it or didnt want Starry to know, I just didnt think it was right to tell him without Chola Ses knowledge. Or maybe there was more to it than that---maybe part of the reason I didnt tell him was that Ime still trying to work out how I feel about it myself---
I dont know.
Apart from that though, I told Starry everything I could remember in as much detail as possible.
He listened carefully, only interrupting very occasionally when he wanted me to clarify or explain something, and when Ide finally finished he just sat there in silence for a full 5 minutes – staring blindly out of the window, thinking things through, trying to piece it all together.
Pilgrim must have taken her himself, he said eventually.
You think he took Chola Se?
Starry nodded. She told you she couldnt remember anything about her abduction, didnt she?
Yeh, she said there was just nothing there, no memory at all, just a blank space.
And didnt Yael say something very similar?
I thought back to what Pilgrim had told me about Yael, trying to remember his exact words.
Yael claimed that he went on duty as usual, I said to Starry, and that at some point during the night he woke up and realized that he must have fallen asleep, but that he couldnt remember anything about it. He said it was as if there was a big black hole where his memory should be.
Starry just looked at me. He didnt need to say anything. Blank space, black hole? The similarity was too close to be a coincidence.
What do you think it means? I asked him.
Pilgrim must have given them both something, some kind of potion that knocked them out and wiped their memories. He probably got it from the Dau.
Have they got potions like that?
Theyve got potions and poisons you wouldnt believe.
I remembered the things Ide seen in the red-roofed building at the Dau encampment – the scaly black roots, the jars and bottles filled with strange-looking concoctions---powders, liquids, dead insects and grubs, leaves, moss, tiny white bones---
Pilgrim planted all the evidence too, Starry said. The bloodstained clothing in Yaels cellar, the beads, the footprints---
But why? I said. Thats what I dont get. Why go to all that bother if all he wanted was Chola Se? And why did he have to kill Aliaj and Berch and take the babies as well as taking Chola Se?
He wasnt just after Chola Se, Jeet, Ime sure of that. Ime afraid shese just a pawn in their game.
What game?
The game Pilgrims playing with the Dau – the traitors game. He gave them Chola Se and the babies to prove his worth.
But they gave her back to him---they saved her for him.
Thats how the game works. You give something to the enemy, you get something back in return. In this case it just happened to be the same thing.
It was sickening to have to think about Chola Se in this way – as a thing, a token, a gift---something to be used, something to be traded, something to do whatever you wanted with---
I knew thats how it was, and always had been, and probably always would be---and up until then Ide never really given it much thought. Ide always just accepted it as a reality – neither good nor bad, just the way things were. But things were different now. I was different. The way things were wasnt the same anymore.
Is Yael still under arrest? I asked Starry.
Hese dead.
What?
He was found dead in his cell last night. Hanged himself--- couldnt live with what hede done. At least, thats how its supposed to look. Pilgrim must have decided it was too risky to let him live, and by making his death look like suicide he made Yael seem even more guilty.
A sound came from upstairs then – the muffled murmur of quiet sobbing. There was nothing hysterical or uncontrollable about it, and it didnt last very long – fading back into silence after just a few minutes – but somehow that made it seem worse.
Hows she been since you got her back? Starry asked me.
Ime not sure, I admitted. She told me shede dealt with it by killing the Chola Se it had happened to and becoming a new self---a new emptiness was how she put it. But when she saw Pilgrim waiting for us at the tunnel, and he gave her a nasty little grin, she just went for him. She would have killed him if he hadnt been so quick with his guns.
Starry nodded thoughtfully. And what about you, Jeet? How are you managing?
Managing what?
Well, you went through a lot at the Dau encampment, didnt you? You had to kill people---I mean, I know weare all trained to fight and kill the Dau, but training for it isnt the same as doing it.
I spent 5 years killing to survive, I reminded him. Its nothing new to me.
So it doesnt affect you at all? It doesnt make you feel anything?
I shrugged. Does a starving dog feel anything when it hunts down and kills a deer?
Thats different —
No, its not.
A dog doesnt know any better.
Nothing knows any better. We all just do what has to be done. What do you think would have happened if Ide thought better of killing the guard at the hatchway or the drunk man who was about to rape Chola Se? What do you think would have happened if Ide given any thought to their lives and tried to incapacitate them rather than kill them?
Starry said nothing.
I wouldnt be here, I said. Thats what would have happened. I wouldnt be here, and neither would Chola Se. And we wouldnt know that Pilgrims a traitor either, which might just mean that we dont lose the battle thats coming---the battle that could mean the end of us all.
I stared hard at Starry.
So, no, I told him. I dont feel anything about the killing I had to do. I had to do it. Just like the starving dog has to kill the deer. Its how it is – kill or be killed. Feelings dont come into it.
I cant write anymore now. I need to get at least a few hours sleep before we meet with Gun Sur at the Quarterhouse.
Ime sharing Starrys bed with Chola Se.
I wasnt sure how Ide feel about it at first – Ive never shared a bed with another human before, and Ive only really known Chola Se for less than a day – but as I sit here in the candlelit darkness, scribbling quietly in my writing book while Chola Se sleeps fitfully beside me, it feels perfectly natural – as if this is how its always been – and its hard to imagine there was ever anything else.
Wede assumed that Gun Sur would be talking to us in private when we met him the following morning, so when we entered his office and saw that Pilgrim was there, it stopped us both in our tracks for a moment, especially Chola Se. They were talking to each other as we opened the door – Gun Sur sitting at the oak table, Pilgrim in a chair just off to one side – and as soon as Chola Se laid eyes on the Deputy, it was as if shede been turned to ice. She stopped dead, frozen to the spot---her body rigid, muscles tensed, her face suddenly drai
ned of color. I thought for a second that she was either going to attack Pilgrim again or simply turn round and leave, but when the Marshal got to his feet and gestured for us to join him at the table, she just gave me a quick look – telling me she was okay – and we carried on into the room.
Pilgrim didnt stand up to welcome us. He just sat there, looking completely at ease – leaning back in the chair, his legs crossed, his submachine gun resting in his lap – idly watching us as we came over and sat down in the 2 empty chairs waiting for us at the table. I glanced at him as I sat down. He nodded at me, barely moving his head, but made no attempt to acknowledge Chola Se. She didnt look at Pilgrim or Gun Sur as she sat down in the chair beside me, but instead kept her eyes fixed firmly on the floor.
It wasnt just Pilgrims presence that was making her uncomfortable. This was a totally new experience for her, just as it had been for me when Ide been called into the Marshals office for the first time. We werent used to formal settings, they made us feel out of place, and as she sat there beside me I could feel the tension bristling inside her.
She was desperate to run.
But she was equally desperate to stand her ground.
First of all, Gun Sur began, speaking directly to Chola Se, I want to say how sorry I am for the traumatic experience youve been through. I cant imagine what it must have been like, and I give you my word that the Dau will suffer for what they did to you.
And what about him? Chola Se said quietly, forcing herself to look up and glance at Pilgrim. She turned to Gun Sur. Is he going to suffer for what he did to me too? Or hasnt he told you about that?
Deputy Pilgrim has told me everything, Gun Sur said. And I understand how you must feel about it. But theres a reason why he did what he did —
He did it because he wanted to, Chola Se interrupted, her voice hard but steady. Thats why he raped me – because he wanted to. And because hese a traitor, and because the Dau —
Ime not a traitor, Pilgrim said calmly.
No? she snapped. And I suppose you didnt rape me either?
I had to.
You had to?
I had no choice.
Chola Se was genuinely dumbstruck, so stupefied that all she could do was sit there staring at him, her mouth half open, utterly lost for words.
Weve been working on infiltrating the Dau for years, Gun Sur said, leaning forward and lowering his voice. Theyve always been superior to us in just about every aspect – numbers, equipment, location, health, food and water supplies – and we realized a long time ago that unless we found an alternative way of fighting them, it was only going to be a matter of time before they destroyed us. And in the end we came to the conclusion that the only way to beat them was by fighting them from within, and the only way to do that was by infiltrating their ranks at the highest possible level. We had to make them believe that one of us was a traitor, willing to betray our people and work for them instead. We werent sure how we could use this to our advantage if it worked, at least not at first, but the more we thought about it, the more we realized that it was our only viable option.
Gun Sur looked briefly at Pilgrim, then turned back to us.
It was a very long process. It took almost 6 months from the first tentative contact before the Dau agreed in principle to meet with Deputy Pilgrim, and another 4 or 5 months after that until the meeting actually took place. And even then he was blindfolded the whole time he was in their encampment. But that was nothing compared to what happened on his second visit, just a month or so later. As soon as he arrived at their camp, he was beaten unconscious and thrown in a cell, and they kept him there for the next 2 weeks, torturing him to within an inch of his life until they were finally convinced he was telling the truth.
And what was his truth supposed to be? I asked.
Deputy? Gun Sur said, glancing at Pilgrim again, this time inviting him to answer my question.
Pilgrim took his time – slowly uncrossing his legs, sitting up straight, carefully adjusting his MP40 in his lap – and once he was sure that he had everyones attention, he finally began to speak.
The story we came up with, he said, was that Ide had enough of serving as Gun Surs Deputy and that I wanted, and believed it was my right, to take over the leadership of our people. I was a bitter man. Ide always been loyal to the Marshal, even when he didnt deserve it, but my loyalty had never been recognized. I believed I was a better man than him – younger, wiser, stronger – and Ide grown to hate him for holding me back. Ide had enough of it all – it was time for Gun Sur to go, and I wanted the Dau to help me get rid of him. And in return, once I was Marshal, wede strike a deal that benefited us both.
Pilgrim looked me in the eye.
That was my truth, he said, with absolute confidence. And I stuck to it.
And they believed you?
They almost killed me every day for 2 weeks, and I never changed a single word of my story. In the end they couldnt fail to believe me.
So youre saying that youve infiltrated the Dau, and they think youre working for them, but youre actually still true to us?
Pilgrim nodded. I tell them whatever they want to know about us – our supplies situation, our guard duties, patrol times, the health of our people, our battle plans. Most of its accurate enough to make it both believable and provable, but none of its significant enough to seriously put us at risk. And they dont have the faintest idea of what weare actually planning.
And at the same time, Gun Sur added, every time the Deputy visits their camp, we learn more about them – their capabilities, the way they think, the way theyre likely to behave---
I dont go there too often though, Pilgrim explained. We need to keep up the pretence of my betrayal, and if I really was a traitor, Ide want to keep our meetings to an absolute minimum. So most of the time we communicate using coded light signals —
But you were there the other night, Chola Se said.
There was a moments silence then. Pilgrims expression didnt change, but I could sense his annoyance at Chola Ses interruption.
There was a big celebration, he said calmly, looking her in the eye for the first time. I was invited. In fact, I was the guest of honor. He shrugged. So I went---I had to, to preserve my cover. And I joined in with the celebrations too, for the same reason. At some point during the night, Hensch came up to me – hese the Dau Marshal – and told me they had a special gift for me, a reward for my services —
And that was me, wasnt it? Chola Se said coldly. I was your special gift.
I had to go along with it, Pilgrim told her. I had to behave like the man I claimed to be – the man they believed me to be – and that man would never have turned you down. If I hadnt accepted their offer, my cover would have been blown. I had to do what was expected of me.
No, Chola Se said firmly, shaking her head. No, you didnt. You could have just pretended to go along with it. You could have come down into the cell, told me the truth, waited a while, then gone back to them as if youd gone through with it —
And what if Ide been found out? What if Ide been sitting down there in the cell with you, just pretending to go along with it, and Hensch had sent one of his Fighters to check up on me?
Why would he do that? If he trusts you as much as you say —
Hensch doesnt trust anyone. Hese so wary of everyone and everything that his caution verges on paranoia. But it works. It keeps him in power, and it keeps him alive. So it was entirely possible that hede ordered someone to follow me to your cell to make absolutely sure that I did what I was expected to do. And I had no way of knowing if I was being watched or not. I dont know if you noticed it, but theres a spyhole in the roof of the cell, so anyone can look in from outside without being seen.
He leaned forward in his chair, his eyes fixed on Chola Ses.
I had to assume I was being watched. I had to do what I did to you. If I hadnt done it, and Ide been caught out---
He paused, glancing at Gun Sur for support.
The Marshal look
ed uncomfortable now. He seemed hesitant, unsure what to say, and I wondered if he simply felt awkward because of the subject matter, or if there was something more to it. We were all watching him now, waiting for him to say something, and for a few moments he just sat there – his eyes lowered, staring at the table, seemingly unable to make up his mind – then he took a breath, raised his head, and looked across the table at Chola Se.
I cant take your pain away, he said to her, getting to his feet. But I can show you something that might help you understand it.
The storehouse that Gun Sur took us to is on the edge of the Eastside ruins. Its a large stone building with heavy double doors and solid metal shutters on the windows, and unlike most of the buildings in Eastside its in reasonably good condition. Its a secure facility – authorized access only – and as Gun Sur led us across the yard at the front of the building – with Pilgrim walking alongside him – I couldnt help feeling a tingle of expectation. Every time Ide ever passed the storehouse Ide wondered what secrets it could be hiding – Ide asked Starry once and even he didnt know – and now it seemed I was about to find out.
As we approached the building, Gun Sur nodded at the Fighter guarding the doors, and as she began opening them – after calling out to someone inside – Gun Sur stopped and turned to us.
Before we go inside, he said, you both need to understand that what youre about to see is of the highest confidentiality. You cannot – and you will not – share this experience with anyone else. He paused, staring hard at me. And that includes Starry. Understood?
Yes, I said.
He looked at Chola Se.
She nodded.
He carried on looking at her.
Yes, she told him. Understood.