A Darker Kind of Love

by Angela Peach

  “I actually hate you. Do you know that? I swear I will make your death a living hell...or a dying hell. Whatever.”

  Mel shrugged, nonplussed by my threat. I rubbed my tired eyes again, wondering how long this night was going to be.

  About ten minutes later my phone rang, this time Freddie's name flashing on the dial. My heart literally stopped as I reached for it, praying to any kind of deities that might be around, for good news.

  “Han, they've just come and told me that Sophie's out of surgery and they're sure she'll make a full recovery but...”

  “But what?” I asked, trying to quell the relief that wanted to flood through me. I'd kind of assumed the worst when I couldn't feel her anymore, but it had obviously just been down to my being completely drained of energy.

  “Well...they told me she's going to have to be assessed by a psychiatrist to make sure she's, y'know, not going to try and hurt herself again.” Freddie sounded like she hated being the bearer of bad news, but all I'd heard was that Sophie was going to be okay!

  “Do you know where she is? I mean, do you think you could sneak into her room so I can talk to her quickly?” I asked, unsure as to whether or not Sophie would even be awake. Tonight had seemed to last forever, but less than a couple of hours had passed since I'd found her in the bath.

  “Um...I don't know. I could go on a little walkabout and see if I can find her? Do you want me to call you back?”

  “Yes, please. Thanks Freddie.” I hung up, covering my face so I could feel my relief without being spied on by Mel.

  “Well?”

  “She's going to be okay,” I whispered, my voice husky with emotion. It had worked! I'd saved Sophie's life!

  “I don't know why you're so happy. It's not like you're gonna have a tearfully happy reunion, is it?”

  I refused to let her taint the moment for me.

  “I want to say goodbye to her before I do anything,” I said, walking over to the window and looking out into the darkness. Ju was bound to be on her way soon - despite it being the Sunday evening before Christmas Eve, there was sure to be a taxi operating somewhere.

  “You'll have to excuse me if I vom while you do,” Mel replied, standing right next to me and making it clear she was going to listen to the whole goodbye, if not only to make it awkward and unpleasant for me.

  Freddie called back a few minutes later, her voice hushed.

  “Hey, I found her! I'm not sure I should be in here so I'm gonna just pass the phone to her quick in case I get booted out,” she said, and before I could thank her, the phone was being passed over. The next voice I heard was like hearing heaven singing in my ears.

  “Hanna?”

  “Sophie...oh my god, you're okay! How are you feeling?”

  “I didn't do it...I didn't try and kill myself...it was...”

  “No, I know, it's okay! I know you wouldn't,” I pressed the phone tight to my ear as if I could get closer to her by doing so. “I'm just so happy...just hearing your voice...” I found it hard to string a single sentence together.

  “Honey, I'm so sorry about Danny...”

  “No! Danny's fine, he's with Ju now at the vets.”

  “Oh...hold on, where are you then?” She sounded groggy and confused

  I hesitated.

  “I'm still at your place. I came over and found you in the bath...” My voice trailed off. I didn't want to even imply to her that I was supposed to be about to kill myself, but I didn't know what to say to her.

  “Wait a second, why are you still there? Why didn't you come here with me? Hanna?” She sounded very alert now, and also very worried. My stomach squeezed with sorrow for what she was going through right now.

  “I had to make a deal with Mel to save your life, honey. I kinda gave her my word...she wanted me in exchange for...”

  “No!” she interrupted loudly, making me jump.

  “I'm not really going anywhere, I'll still be here,” I quickly added, trying to hint to her that I wasn't actually leaving her, but she didn't pick up on it.

  “Hanna, please come and see me? I need to see you, please come?” Her words fell out in a rush and I could tell she was crying. “She can't keep you in the flat forever.”

  “Tell her, Hanna. Tell her what you're going to do,” Mel demanded coldly, having listened in and noting that Sophie obviously just thought I intended staying in the flat with my ex. I glared at her.

  “Fuck off, Mel.”

  “Tell her or I'll have a little play with Ju when she gets here. Your choice.”

  “Han?”

  I clenched my jaw. In the long run, in the grand scheme of things, it was just a short term sting because I'd be seeing her again soon and I could explain everything to her.

  “I can't come and see you baby. I traded my life for yours and...”

  “NO! Don't you dare! Take it back! You take it back and get out of there...”

  “Sophie it's okay, I'll be alright...”

  “Please, Hanna? I love you. Don't do this?”

  “I love y...” The phone was ripped out of my hand and flung across the room. I rounded on Mel, furious.

  “What the actual fuck? I was saying goodbye!”

  “If it was in any way possible, I would have killed myself all over again listening to that. Jesus, Hanna, talk about OTT? You've only just met the girl for fuck's sake,” Mel said indignantly.

  “When did you lose yourself Mel? Huh? When did you become so separate from your humanity, or did it just get worse when you died?” I shouted. I still hadn't thought of a plan, and was feeling a slight panic about what Mel would do if I refused to kill myself. Right now, I had to assume the worst and try to aim for some sort of survival.

  Movement from outside caught Mel's eye and she smiled.

  “Time's up baby. Stick to your end of the bargain or I'll have some fun with old Ju-Ju.”

  Shit. Fuck. I couldn't do it. I rushed over and saw a taxi pulling up outside, and seconds later Julianne hopped out of it looking very determined. I opened the window quickly, shouting to her.

  “NO! DON'T COME IN!”

  Ju stopped and looked up at me curiously and I thought I heard her shout 'Why?'

  “How are you going to kill yourself?” Mel asked from behind me, sounding suspicious and cold. “Or did you have no intention of doing it?”

  I rubbed my face hard.

  “Mel... I don't want to die, please, I'm not ready,” I said through my hands, keeping my eye on my friend to make sure she didn't come any further.

  “Funny. That's what she said.”

  “You don't have to do this!”

  “She said that too. You know I can just fly on over to the hospital and stop her heart without anyone being able to stop me,” she taunted and I spun around angrily.

  “I hate you. Don't you understand? I actually despise everything about you. Why would I want to spend my afterlife with you? Why would I want to voluntarily go to hell?”

  “You gave me your word,” she shouted, ignoring everything I'd said and moving so we were practically nose to nose.

  It was a ridiculously stupid move on my part. Well, obviously I didn't realise what was going to happen or I wouldn't have done it.

  I felt the energy build up in my hands, in the same way as it had before when I'd managed to push her away from me. I focused everything I had on getting as much energy there as possible then I lifted them up and pushed her hard. She flew backwards away from me and I smiled triumphantly...before I realised the momentum had also pushed me away from her.

  And straight out of the open window.

  As I fell, I was aware of Mel watching from above, a small curious smile on her face as she waved.

  I was aware of Julianne screaming, the sound getting louder as I approached the ground.

  I closed my eyes and thought of Sophie. How she smelled, how she tasted, how she felt...

  CHAPTER 24

  SEVEN MONTHS LATER

  “Dude, how do you put
up with it? It's like thirty two degrees outside and we're all sat here in jumpers freezing our friggin' nuts off.”

  “Everyone says that, but I don't really notice it.”

  “Didn't some bird top herself here?”

  “I heard this building does something to you, like makes you go crazy or something. I mean, there's been like five suicides here or something.”

  I rolled my eyes in disgust at the young girl, no older than nineteen, and currently sitting in my old lounge smoking a big fat 'doobie' as they called it. This was a regular daily thing for Mason, the tenant that had moved in just before Christmas.

  He'd get up just after midday, eat some random junk food and check his phone for any 'work' (I'll get to that in a moment) then collapse on his sunken sofa and wait. This was where he spent the majority of his time, just getting high and playing on his X-Box. Every few days his main man, Moses, would come round with some stock for Mason to shift – never in too big a bulk. Moses didn't trust anyone fully and preferred to be seen as a small time dealer, whereas Mason felt safer never having too much in his possession, just in case he got done over by one of his buyers or the cops. It was a sweet relationship.

  Mason made more in a day selling weed and coke than I had from working a whole week in the cafe. Quite cushty, really. Especially when you considered that he didn't have to do anything for it. He'd usually have about three different groups of people come round in a day, they'd make their purchase and stay for a cheeky line, or a quick doob. It seemed to be the etiquette of the drug world to share with your dealer, out of respect maybe, and because of the sheer volume of traffic he had buying from him, he got all his drugs for free. Most of them would stay for hours, too, sharing most of their purchase with him.

  I had to admire and question his business sense, respectively. He'd cut his coke down with pro-plus and benzocaine into varying proportions, depending on who was buying and whether or not they'd notice. (At best, his buyer would get probably less than twenty percent of actual coke in their bag) It was risky, especially because despite having a crappy air pistol under the sofa, he was not a fighter and wouldn't be capable of defending himself against an angry punter. But he was likable and everyone seemed to love him because they always came back for more.

  So I suppose you're wondering why I'm still here? Well, to put it simply I've got nowhere else to go.

  It's been seven months since I fell out of Sophie's window. The first thing I remember was just a confusing jumble of darkness and pushing and pulling. But then there was Mel, laughing and asking me if it had hurt. When I asked her if I was dead, her response had been to pull me through a wall. 'Looks like you killed yourself after all,' she'd said, seeming to find the whole situation utterly hilarious.

  Me? I was utterly depressed. I hadn't wanted to die, not when I'd had so much to live for. I didn't even attempt to leave the flat, happy in my misery of lounging around with Mason and watching his life drift on by. Was I wasting my death away watching him waste his life away? I didn't know and I didn't care.

  I'd waited in Sophie's flat for a couple of weeks, but then her parents had come and collected her belongings and that was the end of that. She never came back herself and I didn't know where she was now. (I tried not to think about why she hadn't even attempted to come back and make some sort of contact with me – it hurt too much to dwell on thoughts like that.) The new tenants had moved in almost straight away and they just argued all the fucking time. Unable to deal with their problems on top of my own, I made the executive decision to return to my old flat which was already inhabited at this point by Mason. It was still familiar and as I said, he was a likable guy. Mel followed me, but I didn't care. I barely spoke to her or gave her any attention whatsoever. Ironically, this was like torture for her.

  Did I mention how depressed I was? Have you ever come across a depressed ghost before? I imagined if I was still alive and could see myself, I'd be one of those spirits that drifted aimlessly from room to room with no purpose, a sad, forlorn look on my face. (To be honest, that was exactly spot on the mark.)

  So anyway, today Mason's first group of punters consisted of three regulars, Liam, Misha and Carl, and two of their mates that I hadn't met before. The new two sat nervously in the corner, watching Liam chop out six lines from the bag he'd just purchased. Everyone else was busy swapping banter, pretending not to watch Liam chop out the lines.

  “So what're ya sayin', that the flat's haun'ed like?” Misha's boyfriend, (King of the Chavs, or King Carl as I liked to call him) drawled, smiling excitedly. “Dun't it freak ya out, man?”

  “I've never heard or seen fucking nothing. It's all fucking bullshit,” Mason said, eyeing up the new girl. He had the same luck with the ladies as he did with his drugs – they fell into his lap. Literally. I'd had to leave the room many times when he'd scored a lucky blow job or full on shag.

  “Nah nah nah, it wasn't this flat, it was the one downstairs or something. I remember talking to that dude in the lift who said it was his neighbour. She was seriously fucked up, man! She was like this copycat suicide or something.”

  I bristled. This was Sophie they were discussing and I glared at Liam, wishing I could move stuff like Mel was able to. I'd blow all the cheap powder off the table onto Mason's carpet that had gone un-hoovered since May.

  “You fucking idiot. You just crunched a quarter of a pro-plus tablet with your card. Even I can tell that's not coke,” I growled, feeling sorry for the others who'd parted with their cash for a bag of white placebo. Misha took out her phone and started scrolling through it, keeping her attention on the lines so she'd be ready when they were.

  “Oh, I've got some really nice weed turning up on Thursday, mate. It's a new batch, re-e-ally nice,” Mason said, loading up a new level on the X-Box. He was currently three quarters of the way through Rise of the Tomb Raider which I'm sure he only played so he could perv at Lara Croft. Sometimes, when he got really high he would open a new game and kill her in weird and inventive ways which was slightly worrying, but his mates found it hilarious.

  “Oh sweet! Save us a teenf and I'll come round for it on Friday, yeah? I've been gagging for some decent smoke for ages.”

  Misha suddenly sat forward, passing the spliff to Mason as she stared excitedly at her phone.

  “Hehehe, listen to this. A polish woman has been sentenced to seventeen months in jail for cutting off her husband's balls...”

  The room erupted around her, but she shushed them down to continue the story as she read it on her phone.

  “No, listen it gets better...”

  “Fuck me, 'ah can it get better?” Carl asked, gripping his groin protectively.

  “Shut up and listen then...so while he was on the phone to the police, she only cooked them and...wait for it...FUCKING ATE THEM!”

  Liam had finally finished crushing out the lines as an extremely heated debate began about how she should have got life, and what she might have eaten them with. One by one, they all lowered their heads to Mason's mirror and chugged the powder up their noses, sniffing hard for a few minutes afterwards. Then Misha clicked her fingers excitedly, getting everyone's attention again.

  “Wait, I've got another one. Police in fucking Lancashire,” she paused for effect on the name of the County, “have seized half a million quids worth of coke in a raid. Fuck! I'nt that where Emmerdale's filmed? It's just fucking fields and cahs, innit?”

  “Half a mill? Fuck me, what would that much coke even look like?” King Carl was practically crying over such a big loss in their industry.

  “Probably the same as one hundred quids worth of pro-plus?” I suggested.

  “They're jus' forcin' this shit to go undergrahnd man, it's because of shit like this that dealers cut their product with rat poison and...and...shit,” Liam said, obviously at a loss for what dealers actually cut their shit with. I looked over at Mason, busy with Lara, and saw a small smile on his lips as he took a tug on the spliff he'd been passed.

 
“They need to fucking legalise it man...”

  “They aint gonna legalise cocaine! You're living in a dream land, boy!”

  “I'm just saying they should...”

  “They should legalise weed. That's been proved to beat cancer and shit.”

  “Fuck off!”

  “No, I know this! He's right, there's this video on Youtube...what's it fucking called?”

  “Charlotte's Web.”

  “Yes! That's it. They don't like get high or shit, it just fights the cells or something.”

  “You plum, that's about epilepsy! Not cancer!”

  “Whatever, they had breakthroughs in cancer research as well with it.”

  “This is a true story dude, last year my mate got told by the vet that his dog was riddled with cancer and to put him down. He didn't and just gave him this cannabis oil to help ease the pain, and he got fucking better. Still alive to this day.”

  “Fuck off!”

  “Shut the front door!”

  “Get outta town!”

  I watched as the 'cocaine' worked it's magic on everyone, lifting their mood and making them feel like they were buzzing. Misha continued scrolling through her phone, looking for more juicy news stories to feed them all. Then she found something that made her gasp.

  “Whoa, shit! You won't believe what I just found! You know what we were just talking about, with that suicide girl and shit? Well, they're turning off her life support tomorrow.”

  If I'd had a heart that could stop beating, it would have stopped.

  Life support?

  I was hovering by her shoulder in a millisecond, trying to read the article on her phone while Misha read out the condensed version.

  “Blah blah blah...one of the girls in the double attempted suicide pact last Christmas has not shown any signs of life so they're basically switching her off cos she's like brain dead or something. Hanna Compton jumped out of a fourth storey window after her new girlfriend, Sophie Charles, tried to top herself in the same way as Ms Compton's previous girlfriend had the year before. Both attempts were unsuccessful, but she's remained on life support, blah blah blah, the rest is all boring stuff.”