by HJ Bellus
He pulls me to his chest, gently kissing my forehead. “Thank you, Kate. I’m going to need you.”
I run my hand up and down his jawline. “I’m here. Anytime. I’ll share a drink with you, have dinner, paint your damn house, but I refuse to watch you destroy yourself.”
“He’s so perfect. It’s haunting, though, how much of myself I saw in him.”
“Life is shitty like that, but just think, he’s only in kindergarten and has so much of his life ahead of him.”
Max places another kiss on my forehead while his hand roams up and down my back. And all I can think is, Damn, I wish he would’ve stripped me bare. Max might be the one needing me right now, but in an odd way, I need him just as much.
“He talked about you nearly the whole time.”
That makes me smile. “Oh yeah?”
“Miss Kate this and Miss Kate that.”
“I am pretty damn cool.” I lean up and kiss his jawline.
“Damn, he’s a smart kid. He knew right away I was his dad. I was shocked. He knew I played football. I guess Ally told him some about me.”
“How did he react, knowing you’re his dad?” I kiss him again.
“He didn’t really.”
Max’s eyes flutter shut. There’s just enough moonlight shining through to make out his facial features. I can imagine he’s exhausted after the day’s events and the whiskey he downed.
Soon his breathing evens out. I keep my palm on his jaw and whisper, “Don’t ever do that again, Max.”
Once I begin to nod off, I know I better get up and head home. I search around his room for a piece of paper, and when I don’t find one, I’m about to head out to the kitchen.
“No,” Max mumbles and thrashes in the blankets.
I turn to see he’s still dead asleep as the thrashing grows more violent.
***
Max
Jesus, I slipped so close to the edge of never returning. Seeing Finn today was so overwhelming, and I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to call Kate or go to her, but that just made me feel weaker and pathetic. Then she shows up. She saves me.
I see two of her the moment she steps on the porch. Her scent and touch sobers me right up, with more than just the whiskey making me sleepy with her in my arms. I breathe her in and ground myself, and before I know it, I’m out.
Visions of me young and dirty drift in, my mom burning me, the men in and out of the house. The scenes swirl into Finn’s sweet face being battered and beaten. It’s an endless cycle of my past, from being bullied in high school to my days serving the country. I wince and feel my heart shatter when I’m back there with bullets whizzing by and my brothers going down all around me. A searing pain in my calf, then me holding my best friend as he takes his final gasp of air. It’s all too much making my skin crawl. I know it’s a dream, but I can’t pull myself from it.
“Max.” Kate’s delicate voice floats into the mass of never-ending nightmares. “Max.”
Arms wrap around my middle, her hair flowing over my shoulders as she hovers around me. The horrible visions of my dreams have vanished, leaving only darkness behind.
“Max, wake up, baby. You’re okay.” Her hand cups my cheek.
I pull from sleep and shake my head. My heart pounds as I work to ground myself. I come face to face with Kate, hovering above me with concern dancing in her eyes.
“It was a nightmare. I’m here,” she soothes.
“Jesus,” I whisper.
This isn’t the first time I’ve had one of these episodes. There’ve been several, just not any with Finn’s face mixed in. It’s the reason good sleep rarely comes and I find myself working during the night.
“Kate,” I whisper.
This time, I don’t warn her before I kiss her. I need her. Crave her to burn away the ache with her touch and scent. I lean up and catch her lips with mine. Kate falls into the kiss, taking charge like last time. I grab her hips, rolling her on top until she’s straddling me, and kiss the hell out of her.
Kate rolls her hips, and I keep kissing her until we are both left exhausted. And this time, my sleep isn’t interrupted.
Chapter 13
Max
Ice cream cones and Kate was a very bad idea. At the time, it seemed perfect, but now watching her pink tongue dart out and lap the melting sweetness is about to kill me. I crunch down the remaining part of my cone and focus on the road ahead of me. It’s an unusually warm evening, so we decided to go on a walk since neither of us are big television junkies.
It’s been two weeks since I first met Finn. A lot has happened, yet it feels as though time is creeping by. I tossed all the booze from my house because I don’t trust myself right now. I have no doubt I’m strong enough, but not right now and I refuse to become her. My mother. I’d never admit it to anyone else, but the counselor I’m required to see by the system has been helping peel away layers of shame and guilt.
“It’s gonna drip.” I lean down and lick the base of Kate’s cone and finger.
“Thanks.” She squeezes our intertwined hands. “Don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Smartass.” I can’t help but lean over and kiss her cheek.
“Things still going good at school?” I ask.
Kate’s reaffirmed things are fine, even though I can read her like a book every time she ducks the question. I have a lingering suspicion she’s not being fully honest. I can’t blame her for protecting what she loves. We are too deep into this thing for me not to march into the building and beat the shit out of her boss. And even I know that’s not good for anyone, so I remain patient, waiting on her to share more with me.
“Yes.” She swipes her tongue along the vanilla ice cream. “Gilly has been gone nearly two weeks at conferences and district meetings. Things are good.”
“Who?” I ask. A door slams. We both glance over to the gas station on the main drag we are strolling down. I’d believed Kate when she told me things were good at school because we’ve been dining out in town, going to the hardware and grocery store together. This makes me proud that she’s not letting her asshole principal have power over her.
“You dirty motherfucker,” a high-pitched voice squeals.
The noise catches our attention. It’s centered on a van parked in front of the only gas station in town. There’s a blur of action.
“Get back here,” a deep voice hollers out.
“It’s him. The asshole who ruined my life.”
The picture comes into perfect view. That’s when I see a figure from the past coming my way. It’s a shell, a skeleton, but it’s Ally. I recognize her eyes even though they’re sunken in. She can only weigh about eighty pounds and looks like death warmed over, judging by the dark lines under eyes and the twitch in her lip.
I push Kate behind me in a protective mode. All happy and carefree thoughts of an ice cream walk down the main road are long gone. Ally’s name has come up in all the interviews and hearings, but I’d yet to see her. She’s barely a ghost of the person I remember.
“You son of a bitch. You think you can just come in here on your white horse and take my boy away. You pathetic motherfucker.”
She’s right up in my face, and I keep a hand on Kate’s hip. She better not move.
“I can’t believe you!” Ally tries to jab a finger in my chest, but I sidestep her, taking Kate with my movement. Ally will have to get through me.
I remain stock still. There are so many fucking words I want to spit at her but know it’s a lost cause, just like my mother. I know if I let one word slip from my tongue, I’d choke this drugged-out bitch to death. She deserves no better. It’s not me, and I know that. However, the feelings and rage coursing through me tell a different story.
“You don’t have anything to say, hometown hero? I followed you to college, and you dumped me.”
I remain silent.
Ally takes a step back. “Oh, I see you finally found your All-American Princess and now you are back to save the da
y. You’ll never fucking get Finn.”
All of my patience has run thin. I’ve kept quiet about everything I can, and I’m not proud of the words that are about to flow from my mouth. But by God, they are the honest truth.
“You want money, Ally? Need to go get your next hit? I’ll give it to you since that has been your only priority. I got you.” I tug my wallet out with my free hand, freeing bills ranging from fifties to hundreds. Her eyes go wide. And that’s when I know I have her. It’s sick and twisted, and how someone has fallen down this rabbit hole so fast and far is beyond me. I was on the verge with a bottle of whiskey in my hand and I’ll never do it again. I free all the bills and hand them her way. “Is this what you want to get your next fix? Take it all. Doesn’t matter to me.”
It’s so sick and twisted, but I’m fed up with this game. I have two end goals in mind, and they are Finn and Kate. Ally and my past have no room in that picture-perfect family frame.
“Fuck you, Max!” Ally takes a slap at my face. I’m quick enough to dodge it. “I’m better than your once low-class status now hometown hero bullshit! Fuck you.”
And with that, Ally stomps back across the road to the rickety, rusty van. Some guy helps her in, and they are gone. It grips my heart tight, knowing once upon time that’s where Finn would have been.
I’ve learned his routine and the way he likes things. He’s a bit obsessive. He’s just so damn lovable, I go along with him. I’m pretty damn certain that boy has taught me more about algebra and theory than any college professor.
“Are you okay?” Kate’s hand comes around to my front. Her nails dig into my soft t-shirt, the same style I’ve worn since she suggested it.
“Your ice cream gone yet?” I ask.
“What?” I can sense the pitch of stress in her voice.
That was an ugly scene, one no one wants to ever experience. It took me back to the days when my stomach would grow tight and my fingers would tremble until the abuse was gone.
“I’ll finish your ice cream for ya,” I respond.
“Max.”
I turn around before Kate has the chance to say another word.
“Give that to me.” I snag the melting cone from her hand and take a big lick.
“This isn’t funny.” She holds both of her hands up, and they shake from her core. Her skin has morphed to a pale green. The fright dancing in her eyes scares me. “She’s dangerous, Max, and Finn’s mom. I’ve seen it time and time again where the court favors them no matter what they’ve done.”
This is my fault. I’ve shared just enough with Kate, but not everything, knowing her dickhead boss has her job on the chopping block.
“Babe.” I toss the cone into some shrubs and tug her to me, cradling her head to my chest and kissing the top of her head. “She will have no chance of ever having full custody of Finn after I’m done with her. At best, she’ll be granted supervised visits and again—that’s at best. I have no doubt she’ll ruin her own chances.”
Kate doesn’t respond, simply lets me hold her. The question that has been haunting me comes back to play in my mind. Why in the hell is Ally back here? Her family disowned her, so why would she move back so close to her hometown? I have no doubt there’s an ulterior motive, and that fact is bugging the hell out of me.
Kate lifts her head. “She can ruin all of this for you.”
“She can,” I agree, running my thumb along her jawline. “But I refuse to let her. Nothing is going to get in my way, and that’s a promise.”
“And you don’t break promises,” she whispers.
“That’s right.” I kiss her forehead. “Now let’s finish our walk.”
Hand in hand, we stride down the sidewalk until the sun begins to settle beyond the horizon. I remind Kate that I’ll be with Harriet, picking up Finn tomorrow. We have our second home visit where Harriet and an older gentleman, Frank, will be supervising, and if all goes well, the transition of Max moving in with me begins.
Chapter 14
Kate
“Miss Kate, do you think Max will like this shirt?” Finn peels off the jacket he insisted on wearing all day to reveal a football shirt.
I bend down so I’m eye to eye with him. “I think he’ll love it, but do you like it?”
He shrugs his shoulders and averts his gaze. “Kinda. I got to go to the store and pick out a new one with Harriet. Max loves football, and we played catch the other night. It was pretty fun.”
“Finn.” I place a hand on his shoulder. “You know what he’ll love more than that shirt?”
He perks up, hungry for the answer.
“You. He loves you and anything to do with you. You could wear a hot pink shirt covered in elephants and he’d be thrilled.”
“Eewww.” Finn covers his mouth, trapping in his giggles. It’s such a rare sight that tears prick in my eyes. Happy tears this time for this little man.
“It’s true.” I wave a finger at him.
“Miss Kate,” he says again when I stand to get the centers ready while the rest of the kids are at recess.
I now know Finn didn’t want to go outside for fear of getting his new shirt dirty. That would drive him nuts.
“Yeah, Finn.” I grab the stacks of baskets filled with cubes, ready to place them around the room.
“I saw pictures of you on Max’s phone.”
I freeze. “You did?”
I guarantee Finn quickly picks up on the panic on my face. He can read people like a book even if he doesn’t always express it.
“Yep, he said you are his best friend.” He scratches the side of his head. That action usually tends to send me into a frenzied panic, wondering if he has lice. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I sigh out loud. “It’s complicated, Finn. I’m not sure what to say here.”
“Adult talk?” He tilts his head.
I have no doubt “adult talk” in his world means something horrible, and I don’t want him associating mine and Max’s relationship with that category. I scramble for an explanation, knowing darn well Finn is smart enough to read through any lines I throw him, so I go out on the limb and give it to him straight.
I walk back over to him and take a seat next to him so we are on the same level. “Finn, I’m going to tell you the truth. I’m not sure I should be, but you’re that important to me. Okay?”
He nods.
“I met Max because I went looking for him. I wanted to find a safe home for you. And along the way, we have become best friends.” I reach over and grab his tiny hand.
“Do you know he’s my dad?” Finn stares up at me, and all I can see is a miniature Max sitting in front of me, not sure if he should be scared or excited for the future. Then another thought strikes me. This never happened for Max until he was in high school. It’s a wrenching fact.
“I do.” I squeeze his hand. “How do you feel about that?”
He shrugs and nibbles on his bottom lip. “I’m excited but know my mom will come after me again. And I don’t want her to.”
And just like that, this little boy devastates me once again. It’s a real and honest concern for Finn. Hell, it’s one that keeps me up at night. I have no doubt at one point in Ally’s life she was a great person, but she let drugs and selfish need take over her true soul. I have no idea how to respond, so I settle for a hug and a corny joke, knowing what Finn’s reaction will be.
“What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?” I stand up and go about getting ready for our math lesson.
“What?” He rolls his eyes.
“A slipper.” I throw my hand up in the air with the punch line.
Finn rolls his eyes again and gets his math packet from my desk, since he’s way above the class. “Miss Kate, a banana can’t be a shoe. The peel would disintegrate and rot. It would be smelly and attract gnats. But you could turn it into mulch to use in your garden.”
He shakes his head as he pulls out his pencil and opens his packet. I watch as his little tongue pokes out to the sid
e as he reads the first question. Max learned that Finn had a neighbor for years who took care of him. It was perfect so Ally could go out and party her ass off. Francis was an older lady with no family. She read to Finn, fixed him meals, and even took him to the library. It was the perfect nurturing he needed to fill his soul.
The rest of my students come racing in from recess. I stand at the door, giving each of them a high five while reminding them to tell the recess duty teacher about all their little squabbles. The afternoon flies by, and before I know it, we are cleaning up and the class is lining up to go home.
I keep an eye on Finn as he goes to the back of the line like he always does. But today there’s a pep in his step that only I notice. He lets a little grin escape then peers back down at his feet. He unzips his jacket and puffs out his chest a little bit.
I can’t help the smile that plasters across my face. I know we are a few minutes early to head out, but I can’t contain my own excitement. The line leaders and door holders get in place as I march the hyper students out to the buses. They know the routine, and that makes my heart happy. I have no idea how I’ll let them move on to first grade at the end of the year.
Finn races up to me, grabbing my hand as I see each of the students off. The chatter and excitement of the end of the school day is always exhilarating. I feel a tug on my hand and look down to Finn.
“Do you think he’s coming?” he asks.
“I sure do.” I point to Max striding towards us.
My knees go weak at first sight. He’s dressed in a thick hoodie, worn jeans, and messy hair that he keeps running his hands through. It’s a nervous tic. But I’m pretty sure what strikes me the hardest are the pair of aviators resting on his face. Part of me is sad that his whiskey-colored eyes are hidden, but the other turns me into a hot mess. A crooked grin appears on his face when he spots us.