by V R Tapscott
I woke in the morning, heard pots and pans being moved around in the kitchen and jumped up to remind Olive that she needed to be all there if she was going to make pancakes. That is, I started to jump up and was forcibly reminded that I don’t jump up right now. I made some sort of pathetic eeep noise and lay back down, my side and ribs screaming at me. The pan rattling noises stopped, and my mother came in.
She looked worried, said, “Are you all right? I heard something that sounded like a muffled scream.”
“I just tried to jump up - I forgot I can’t do that right now. Of course, now I’m really hurting. Can you get me a pain pill, mother? I think I left them outside.”
Softly, “I brought them in last night, I left them and a glass of water on the table - here.” She pointed right in front of me.
“I said, “Doh. Now I feel like an idiot.”
She smiled and said, “You have a lot of allowance for idiot right now, dear.”
“Thanks ... mom.”
“I checked your diet plan. It seems to me that pancakes qualify for ‘soft food’ at least as much as ‘Apples and Fruit!’ do. So, I thought I’d make pancakes. I’m sorry I woke you hunting for pans, though.”
“Mother, since when do you make pancakes?”
She crossed her arms and looked at me. “I suppose I deserve anything you heap on me. I was a lousy mom. But I used to make pancakes, back when Joe and I were just starting out and we had time.” She sounded wistful, like she was caressing a memory. “I’m far enough up the ladder now that I have some time again, but by now Joe and I aren’t that close either. And you hate me.”
“Oh geez, mom. I don’t hate you. I just don’t know you.”
“Well, I’m making pancakes. And I’m going to try to get to know you better. It was such a shock - I really thought I was going to lose you. And it - it woke me up, Jane. Like nothing ever has.”
I didn’t quite know what to do with this information. I’d thought of my mother as cold and distant for so long it was hard to wrap my mind around anything else. And besides, making pancakes once hardly makes up for years of being invisible.
“Well, pancakes sounds really good, mom. But you might hold off until everyone ...” About then, Bailey came down the stairs with Olive trotting behind. Dale materialized out of the woodwork, he must have been in my bed. Which means - mom must have been here with me all night, since Dale would have been here otherwise.
“Mom, did you spend the night in the recliner?”
She looked at me, “Well, I certainly wasn’t going to leave you alone here.” She laughed, which - trust me - was also weird, and said, “Dale and I arm wrestled for it, but I won.”
“Am I in the Twilight Zone here?”
“Mmhmm, we’re all pod people, waiting for you to sleep again.” This from Olive, with a maniac grin and eye rolling.
I waved my hands at all of them. “Get outta here, I gotta go pee!”
Bailey muttered, “Well, get up from the couch first ‘cause I’m not cleaning it!”
I gasped, “Bailey, I thought you were my friend! I’d clean up pee for you!”
She just rolled her eyes expressively and they all left me alone. Well, that’s not true, Dale pretended to leave, but he came back and helped me up, then helped me to the bathroom, then offered to come help IN the bathroom, which I drew the line at. And regretted. You use a lot of muscles getting up and down from the toilet. I had to beg in a tiny voice for him to come help me back up again. It just hurt too much.
He got me up and we made the long trip to the kitchen, where I finally got to sit in my favorite breakfast nook. Mom’s pancakes were pretty good, although she didn’t have any fancy moves like juggling the turner.
We sat and talked a bit, then Dale said, “Huh. That’s interesting. Wasn’t it the Carderas mine you were interested in, Jane?”
I said, “Yeah. It was an old gold mine we were looking for.” I’d never really gone into much detail about the mine, the digging and the mountain lion. I figured what Dale didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me.
“Well, it looks like there was some kind of localized earthquake there the same night you were hurt. I just never saw the news item until now. I don’t know the area that well, but it sounds like the right place. Heck of a thing, there was a forest fire and all. I guess they’re still mopping up the mess now. The side of the mountain is just pretty well gone from the pictures.”
He passed me his phone and I felt a cold chill. The area where the mine entered the mountain was simply gone. There was a huge black hole there. I wordlessly showed it to Olive, and she pulled out her own phone and started looking at it. I handed Dale his phone back and we all sat there, thinking.
My mother finally stood, looking annoyed. “Do you all really think I’m this stupid? I’ll leave the room so you can talk about whatever this means to you. But I know there’s something important going on that you’re not telling me. And I understand it. But you can’t keep it secret forever.” And with that, she marched out to the deck, where she sat looking out over the water.
“Whoof. She’s right, and her being here, we’re going to have to either send her away or tell her something sooner or later. But for the time being, Olive, can you and Bailey go take a look at the mountain? And scan it, of course.”
Olive nodded. “We’re on our way.” Bailey grabbed her drink and they headed downstairs to the garage.
Dale helped me up and we went outside. We wordlessly sat on the loungers next to mother. She was cold at first, but seemed to give it up and we wound up chatting about whatever innocuous things we could. After what seemed like an eternity, I heard Bailey and Olive come back into the kitchen.
Dale did his helper routine and got me back on my feet and I headed back into the house, flashing mother an “I’m sorry.” as I passed her. She looked angry, and turned toward the water.
I sat down in my nook again and waited for them to fill us in. It wasn’t going to be happy. Bailey looked grim, and there was no humor in Olive’s eyes at all.
“The mountain is gone, the artifacts are gone. We’d decided it was the armaments controls and the hydroponics, which we really didn’t care about. But the hydroponics section had a lot of spare power available as it had to be autonomous if anything happened to the ship. With no humans on board, it just was ignored. But it was kept fully at the ready.”
“It has guns, Jane. Whatever it is has power and guns.”
Coming in 2019 or 2020 – an excerpt from Lacey & Alex and the Dagger of Ill Repute.
Lacey & Alex Excerpt
Dying to get out.
Alex and I walked along the sidewalk toward the Fairmont, but part way there, I said, “Y’know, it’s probably pointless to walk to the Fairmont when we don’t have any idea who it is we’re really looking for. Maybe we should make a run to the morgue and see if they have an ID on the body yet.”
I looked at Alex to see what her reaction was. Oddly enough, there wasn’t one. The morgue isn’t usually high on the list of places people go to visit. At least, under their own power. I continued, “I’m not gonna walk there, though. I guess we can use some of her money to go visit her.”
And Alex shrugged. So maybe she was listening.
There were quite a few floating cabs around the area so we grabbed one and had her take us to the morgue. The new SF Medical Examiner’s office is pretty snazzy. It’s even got a sculpture outside, but I doubt even the artist could tell you what it is. I have to admit though, I kinda like it. The building is all glass and metal and modern looking. Maybe they’re trying to make up for what’s always inside, no matter what the outside looks like. Of course, having a gothic nightmare of a Medical Examiner’s office might be unpopular in the neighborhood.
We walked in the big airy front office and I stopped at the reception desk. I smiled politely and asked for Renny Montgomery. She asked for my name and I gave it, then she dialed her phone and turned away. A bit later she turned back to me and smiled a more real s
mile. “Renny will be with you in a moment.” Renny may not have a fancy title, but she effectively runs the place. We had a “thing” awhile back, and I was hoping she remembered the good parts and not the bad.
She came out through the elevator door wearing a perfectly tailored grey Anne Klein business suit with an elegant pencil skirt and black high heels. I guess her memory was of the good parts, since she smiled and came over and hugged me.
“It’s been too long, Lace. How have you been?”
We chatted at pleasantries for a bit, me ignoring the glances at Alex. Finally though, I took pity on her and said, “This is Alex, she’s a friend. A straight friend, unfortunately.” I grinned at Alex and then at Renny. Renny nodded, Alex looked at me blankly, the visual equivalent of a shrug, I guess.
Renny hauled us back through the new building, pointing out various and sundry bits as we talked. It was obvious she was proud of where she worked. And rightly so, the old building had been a dungeon. Almost literally. We got to her office, which was a nice little place, well lighted, although no window. I remarked on that and Renny smirked and said “It’ll come, it’ll come.”
Once we were safely in her office, I told Renny what I needed, and she frowned, “I can’t really release any details to the public, you know that, Lacey.”
“Yea, I know, but the name is gonna be in the paper tomorrow anyhow, right? Or even tonight depending on when they go to press. This was downtown, it’s gonna get some coverage. Hell, there were even TV trucks there.”
She looked at me a moment, finally said, “Well, ok. But if anything happens, it didn’t come from me. Just the name?”
I agreed and she tappity tapped at the computer for a bit and finally said, “Well, she came in as a Jane Doe, but looks like they must have found some ID on her someplace.” Her eyebrows went up. “Wow, she’s a heavy hitter. Ever hear of Evelyn Weintraub?”
I drew a blank. “No, not that I can think of. Who is she?”
“Well, she’s the owner of Phillips and Potts, for one thing. Or she was. I guess she’s not anymore.”
I hazarded a guess. “The department store chain?”
She nodded. “The very same. Nice place, I guess you don’t shop there.” She grinned at me. She was always a slave to fashion, and I was always a slave to whatever was cheap. One of the many reasons we’re not still together.
“No, I don’t shop there. You always looked perfect though.”
“Same old Lace - always with the compliments.”
I looked at her soberly. “Always meant it, too.”
She smiled. “I know. That’s why I saw you today. Don’t be a stranger, Lace.”
I nodded. “I’ll work on it.”
Renny led us out to the reception area again - it’s a good thing, since I’d have been lost. Maybe I could have asked the plants along the way, though, and gotten Alex to translate. We hit the sidewalk and I could feel her looking at me. Finally I said, “What?”
She shrugged. I shrugged. “Irreconcilable differences.”
We pulled up in front of my apartment building, hopped out of the taxi, and went in. As we got near the door, I could hear the phone ringing inside. I managed to get the door open and dashed in to grab the phone. “Hello?”
Renny’s voice, “Hey. I see you never did get a real phone.”
Slightly wounded. “This IS a real phone. I just hate having a leash.”
I could hear the grin in her voice, “Not always. But, this isn’t about that. You still short a TV?”
“Uh huh. Can’t see the point in that either.”
“Well, if you had a TV you could turn on channel 24 and look at the party going on downtown. It’s a great party, lots of celebrities, local personages, political hacks, Evelyn Weintraub ... “
I blinked. “I thought you had Evelyn Weintraub on a slab.”
“I do. Or at least I have someone that looks just like the Evelyn Weintraub that’s walking around the stage downtown right now.”
“What, twins or something?”
“Not according to the internet, which you could also look up if you had a computer. Can I call you a luddite yet? Anyhow, she’s supposedly an only child. And her mom’s sister doesn’t have any other kids anywhere close to that age. And if they were, both of them are boys to boot.
I just stood there in silence for a minute. “Ok, thanks for letting me know, Ren. Are you planning on doing anything about it?”
“Well, we’re notifying next of kin right now. But, all things considered, I’m not sure what to do. I mean, she looks very much alive. It’s going to be a bit of a shock for someone - like her - to come in here and see herself. Dead.” She sighed. “I’ll let the bosses know, let them handle it. This is why it’s nice NOT to be the M.E. Assuming Evelyn comes in, I’ll swab some DNA for comparison. If she doesn’t, I suppose I’ll have to send someone out to track her down and do it. Honestly though, I feel like I should hear the “Twilight Zone” music in the background.”
I nodded, as if she could hear my head rattle, thanked her, and hung up.
I looked at Alex.
She said, “Evelyn Weintraub is alive?”
I shook my head in puzzlement. “Yes and no. Apparently the body is resting comfortably at 1 Newhall, but Evelyn is at a party right now and she’s pretty active for a dead person.
Coming in 2019 or 2020 – an excerpt from Cinnamon Roll Capers - Catnapped
I managed to get under him and got his shoulders, picked him up and cradled his head between my breasts. At least they have SOME use. I dragged him outside, down the two steps trying to bang him around as little as possible.
I managed to get my butt over the passenger seat and levered him up and in the Jeep, then slithered out from under him and out the driver side. Back around to the other side, I got his legs up and inside the footwell, then arranged him and buckled him in. I got an old blanket out of the back and tried to get his head padded so it wouldn’t move from side to side much. Crap. This is gonna be bad.
I slammed the door shut on the house, and the passenger side of the Jeep, then jumped in the driver side. I cranked her up, and backed off the lawn, whipped around and started off down the mountain. I tried to minimize the side to side motion, but it was tough. I decided it might be better to take it slow rather than beat him deader or run off the edge of a cliff, and it took me nearly 30 minutes to get him back to town. I arrived unceremoniously at the little clinic and ran inside, reporting what I had. A couple people grabbed a gurney and I left it to them at that point, getting him out and inside. I talked to the receptionist and hung around for a bit, then went out and moved Anna-the-Jeep to the parking lot.
I called Mary and told her what happened, and she started laughing. “Yeah, I bet. It’s a great joke, but I’m not buying.”
I said, “This is no joke. I’m here at the clinic, the mayor is inside with a bloody head. I’m not even sure if he’s gonna make it, he was out completely when I got to his house.”
Dead silence. Then, “This isn’t some kind of revenge for the cat thing, right? I mean, I just wanted you to meet him.”
Slow burn. “You mean, it really WAS a setup? There was no catnapping or anything?”
“Uh, no. Catnapping, for 50k? Are you kidding?”
Shouting now, “Then why was he knocked out with a bloody head wound in the entrance of his house?? You better get over here NOW, Mare.” One thing I miss about landline phones was the ability to slam the handset down, it’s not anywhere near as satisfying to click that little button, no matter how hard you push it.
Two minutes later, I heard a siren start up across town and a little over five minutes later, she was parked in the lot next to me. After telling me, “If this is a joke, I’ll have your skin!” she dashed inside.
Now that it wasn’t my problem anymore, I walked inside more sedately and asked the nearest blue coated person if they knew any more about Mayor Paul’s condition, but no one was willing to say anything. I sat down in the waitin
g room and did just that. I called the shop and made sure we were covered and got a report. It had been a fairly slow morning, but Gina had taken care of things for me, then Franny had come in at the usual time. I told them a tiny bit about what had happened and let them know I’d be in later, hopefully in time for noon rush.
Pretty soon, Mary came out to the waiting room and sat down beside me.
She asked, “Um, are I dead?”
I patted my sister’s hand and said, “No, but I definitely owe you one. Or you owe me one. Either way, it’s big.”
She sighed and nodded. “I know.”
“Now, give.”
“Not a lot to give. I thought you should meet him, he’s rich and single and about your age. You have a lot in common, but he’s not the kind of guy you’d probably meet at the bakery and he’s got his own gym.” She shrugged helplessly. “I just thought, if you had a reason to go up there then - you would both get a good laugh over it and maybe do coffee or something. He’s a nice guy, really.”
I said, “Well, as it turns out, it’s a good thing you decided to do your little trick - otherwise he might have laid there for quite a while before anyone thought to check up on him.”
A smile broke out on her sad face, “Oh, that’s true!”
I smiled and hugged her. “See, always a silver lining.”
She laughed. “That’s my line, Cin.” She sobered instantly though, “He’s in bad shape, but it looks like he’ll probably make it. From the way the blood is dried and matted into his hair, he probably laid like that for a while. I sent Doris up to look at his place, see if she can find anything.” She looked back at me, “Cin, can you look at this one? I mean, we have very little experience with something like this. I’ll talk to the town council, but I doubt we’ll have a problem covering your expenses at your shop if you have to take time off.”