“Now you have to,” I remind him.
“Tell me you don’t feel this, Bean.”
I close my eyes, knowing that I can’t see him when I lie. “I feel nothing.”
“Do you know what I feel?”
I still won’t look at him, but I’m not resisting as much as I should considering I still haven’t pulled my arm back.
He speaks quietly in the cool air as we stand at our pond, the place where everything began for us. “I feel like my heart is going to burst from beating so hard. I feel as though every nerve that has been dormant for years is awake. I feel the warmth of your breath, the way your pulse is quickening now, and God, Sydney, I know I should stay away from you, but …”
My eyes open, and those piercing green eyes stare back at me. I know what’s coming. He’s giving me an out, but I’m unable to take it. His arms wrap around me, and then Declan kisses me.
His kiss feels like home. It’s as though every old memory is passing between our breaths, full of hope and forgiveness.
Every piece of anger and frustration I had is gone. I can’t remember why I hate him. I can’t think of anything but how for eight, long years I’ve wanted this.
Declan’s hands cradle my face, tilting my head to get the right angle. Each brush of his tongue against mine wipes away another piece of the hurt. I’m a fool, I know this. Even in the back of my mind, I hear the little voice telling me to stop him, but I silence it.
I’ve needed to touch him and have him. He’s the only man I’ve ever made love to.
It’s been so long—far too long, and God, right now, I want him more than self-preservation.
He moves his hands down to my neck and then my shoulders, pulling me closer to his chest. My fingers grip his shirt, refusing to relax even an inch. I won’t let him go this time. I can’t.
I wasn’t lying when I told Ellie that I’ve dreamed and hoped he and I would find a way to have each other again. And if this is all I’ll ever get, I won’t waste it. I kiss him back, pouring every emotion I’ve felt since the day he left into the kiss.
“Declan,” I say as I slide my hands around to his back. He is solid and sure. I need this. “Please.”
“Don’t beg, Syd. I can’t …”
Our foreheads touch as we struggle for breath. “I’m not begging, just asking.”
His beautiful green eyes find mine, searching for something. “What are you asking for?”
I know better than to ask for his heart, and I’m smart enough to know that this … this will never work. We’re too broken and too much time has gone by. I may always love Declan, but I can never trust him not to hurt me.
I think about what it is I need—goodbye.
“Love me for right now so we can finally let go.”
I consider myself a smart woman. I usually make good choices and follow a set of morals that my mother worked very hard to instill in me.
Right now, I’m the dumbest girl who ever lived. Here I am, on the grass by this stupid pond with our discarded clothes as a blanket, and I’m naked—with Declan.
The only other possible excuse is that I’m in a second dimension and this isn’t really happening.
Yes, that must be it because there’s really no other reason to explain why Declan is on top of me, struggling to catch his breath after we had sex.
God, I had sex with Declan.
What the hell is wrong with me? What was I thinking?
I wasn’t thinking, that’s for damn sure. I convinced myself this was, what? Goodbye sex? Some weird version of closure and not because I’m lonely and miss his stupid ass? I know better than this.
Maybe this is a dream? A really vivid one, but maybe I didn’t do this …
I lift my fingers and pinch him. “Ouch! What was that for?”
Yup, he’s real, and this really happened. “Checking if this was a dream.”
He looks down at me. “It was real.”
I shove him, and he accommodates me by moving to the side. “Great.”
This was a mistake, and I need to get out of here. I grab my shirt, which is cold from being on the ground, and pull it back on before turning to look for my pants.
“Syd.” His voice slides over my name.
“It’s fine. We’re fine. It’ll be fine. As soon as I find my pants.” Seriously, did they disintegrate when he touched them? I get to my feet and start to look around, hating the tears that burn in the backs of my eyes.
I’m so angry that all it took was one kiss for me to lose my mind completely and conjure all kinds of excuses as to why this was okay. He’s never going to stay in Sugarloaf, and I’m sure as hell never leaving. Not that he’s offering anything anyway.
Jesus, get it together, Syd.
“I came here to talk … I don’t know how we …”
I turn quickly, my hair fanning out and then slapping me in the face. “How we what? Ended up naked and screwing like teenagers in the freaking wide open?”
He runs his hand down his face, looking disheveled and irresistible. “I was going to say ended up here, but that’s fine too.”
I glare at him and then go back to my task.
My hands are shaking, and I refuse to think about what any of it means or what the hell I did. I have to work today. Plus, I wanted closure, so I’m going to take this as my opportunity to slam the proverbial door and leave.
“It’s not like we haven’t done this many times here at the pond before. It always worked when we were teenagers.”
“You know what doesn’t work? No pants!” I yell as my emotions boil over. “I need to get out of here and call a shrink because I’m clearly having a mental breakdown.”
“Because …”
I turn, glaring at him. “Because I’m smart. Because I don’t do this. Because I …”
“You have a boyfriend.”
Great. I forgot about that. I cheated on my fictional boyfriend. “I have that too, but mostly, I have regret.”
Hurt flashes in Declan’s eyes. “We need to talk about what just happened.”
I shake my head. “No, I need to go, and you need to let me.”
Declan leans down, grabs something, and then sits back up. “Here,” he says, holding my aforementioned missing pants out to me.
I take them and pull them on, neither of us say a word. What can be said anyway? We both made a huge mistake.
He dresses, and we both stand here, looking at one another.
“I know you said you didn’t want to talk, but hopefully, you’ll listen. I didn’t come looking for you to end up like that. I came because I didn’t want us to be enemies and hoped that maybe we could find some common ground. I was young, and I know I hurt you.”
“You destroyed me,” I correct him.
“I was stupid.”
I will myself not to cry. I won’t give myself over to the flurry of emotions that are swirling inside. Yes, there’s anger, but more than anything, there’s hurt. I’m in pain because looking at him, touching him, and hearing his voice has brought it all back again.
When he was inside me, I felt whole.
A missing piece of me was found and back in place. And that is the biggest lie I can ever allow myself to feel.
He isn’t going to stay or put me back together. He’ll leave.
“Are you going to stay in Sugarloaf?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
“Now?”
I laugh once and roll my eyes. “Don’t be stupid, Dec. I mean after your six-month sentence. Are you going to come back home, fall back in love with me, and stay?”
He’s silent.
“No. You’re not.” I don’t need him to say the words. It’s written all over his face. “You’ll go back to New York, once again leaving me wishing I were worth more to you.”
“Sydney, stop.”
“No. I’m not going to stop. I’m never going to stop wishing you were still the man I fell in love with when I was a little girl.”
Declan steps forward, h
is hand gripping the back of his neck. “Why does it have to be so complicated?”
I feel the moisture building in my eyes, but I hold it back. I need to say this so I can walk away from him with my head held high. “Because you promised a ten-year-old little girl that you would love her until the day she died. At thirteen, you gave that girl a ring you made out of a spoon and promised her that you’d replace it with a diamond. Then, at sixteen, you held her in your arms, kissing her as though she was the sole reason for your existence, and she gave herself to you. Do you remember that? Do you remember how we snuck out to the barn with candles, blankets, and made promises?”
His green eyes are intense and unwavering. “I remember it all.”
“Then you must remember when you broke that promise, right? Did it slip your memory that you came to that same girl who would’ve done anything for you and told her that you were over trying to force yourself to make this work? You want to know why it’s complicated, Declan? Because you fucking ruined that girl.”
And then, just like the scene so many years ago, I turn my back on him and walk away, leaving the remains of my shredded heart at his feet.
Chapter Four
Sydney
~Two Months Later~
This is the moment of truth. I walk into the bathroom where my pregnancy test sits on the counter. Ellie and I are both late and … I don’t know … I’m hoping I can find out I’m not pregnant and then suddenly start bleeding tonight.
I pull in a deep breath and walk over to my test. “No matter what, it’ll be fine,” I whisper.
My hand trembles as I reach for the innocuous little white test, and I lift it.
No.
No. This isn’t … it can’t be.
I can’t be … pregnant.
Oh, God. I’m pregnant.
The breath whooshes from my chest as I drop onto the toilet seat. This isn’t possible, right? I can’t be pregnant. It was the one time. Just one time with Declan at the pond.
Tears prick my eyes as I stare down at it.
Maybe I grabbed the wrong test. Maybe Ellie switched them accidentally. Yes, that has to be what happened.
I reach for the other test on the far side of the counter. It’s positive too.
Ellie is going to have a baby … and so am I.
I hear Connor’s deep voice outside the bathroom, and I push down the nausea that bubbles up. I can’t do this right now. I can’t face Connor, or any of the Arrowood brothers, for that matter. I need to get out of here, go home, and think.
I’m going to have a baby.
Declan’s baby.
A child that is ... ours.
My mind can’t seem to think in more than six-word increments.
I will myself to grab my test, slip it into my back pocket, and count to five. After that, I will walk out of here and keep myself together.
When I push open the door, Ellie and Connor turn to me. I try to smile softly because my best friend is going to have a baby with the man she loves. There is joy there.
I see the questions in her eyes, and I shake my head, not sure if she’ll interpret that as a, no, I’m not pregnant or, no, I can’t talk about it. Either way, she and Connor deserve this moment. I hand her the test she took and kiss her cheek.
My eyes meet Connors, and I grin at the unmistakable look of fear in his eyes. He’s a good man, and he loves Ellie. I’m happy that out of the two of us, one will be happy. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow. I need to go.”
“Syd?” Ellie calls my name.
The tears I’ve been fighting to hold back are pooling. If I speak, I’ll surely break down. Instead, I touch her arm, squeeze just a bit, walk outside, and then drive away.
Only, I don’t get any farther than the end of their driveway before I have to pull over. I lean my head back against the headrest, feeling alone and scared and completely confused, and breathe through my nose.
Okay, I can do this. I have a good life, money, a great job, and I’m going to take another ten pregnancy tests so I can prove this one is faulty and I’m late because I have a tumor.
I let out a soft chuckle.
It’s a sad day when I’m wishing I had a tumor instead of being pregnant, but that isn’t what I really want.
The truth really slaps me in the face. I want this baby. I have spent my entire life wanting to have a family with Declan. I’ve dreamed of it, imagined a daughter with blonde hair and those green Arrowood eyes. The little boy with his mischievous smile and my brains.
It has been my fantasy for so long.
I just didn’t want this baby this way.
My hand falls to my belly, and I rest it there. “You can’t be real,” I whisper. “I may want you, but I can’t have you.”
I can’t have a baby with Declan when he’ll never want it. He isn’t going to stay in Sugarloaf. He’s planning to get back to his fancy life in New York at the earliest possible second. He knows I know that, which makes me wonder if he’ll think I planned this.
Not that I asked him to come to my pond and fuck me senseless, but still, I didn’t stop him.
God, I begged him. I actually begged.
My hand hits my forehead, and I groan.
I need a plan.
I drive home and find Jimmy waiting by the barn, arms crossed over his chest and the cowboy hat he’s had since I was six on his head. I push down all the crap floating in my head because Jimmy has this weird way of seeing inside my mind. Right now, I don’t need anyone knowing what I’m thinking.
“Hey, Jimmy.”
“Bean.” He dips his head. “Have a good day?”
I force a smile onto my lips. “It was ... enlightening.”
I’m not lying, but I’m not elaborating either.
“Same here. We lost another farmhand today.”
I release a heavy sigh. It’s nothing new, but it’s irritating nonetheless. I don’t have time between my job and volunteering with the fire department as an EMT to manage the farm. That’s what Jimmy does.
However, when I took over, I knew I would need to have some involvement, and since I’m pretty good at reading people, the hiring and firing became my thing.
“Who was it?”
“The new guy.”
I laugh without humor. “They’re all the new guy to you.”
We have thirteen employees on the farm, and even though some have been here for twenty years, to Jimmy, it doesn’t matter.
I’m pretty sure he came with the farm a hundred years ago.
“Well, he was the one you hired as the project manager to oversee the repair of the dairy buildings. He was supposed to be the best in the business, not that I don’t have fifty-plus years.”
This guy came from another farm and was able to increase the milk production by tenfold. We needed that knowledge. He was overseeing much more than Jimmy knew. Damn it.
“All right. I’ll take care of it.” Not that I have a clue as to what I’m doing at all. I feel as though I’m falling apart and have no idea how to stop it.
I head inside, looking at my childhood home with new eyes. Could I stay here and raise a baby? There is so much to unpack in my mind that I don’t know where to start. My life isn’t built for kids. I work a lot and the rest of the time I’m volunteering.
However, I don’t have much choice in the matter. I’m having a child, and I’m going to have to do whatever I need to.
My phone pings with a text. I know who it is already because I left Ellie without giving her an answer.
And how could I? Her reaction to finding out that she’s having a baby is the opposite of mine, so she would have ended up feeling guilty for being happy, or upset that I didn’t share her joy.
* * *
Ellie: Hey, you okay?
Me: I’m great.
Ellie: You know I’m dying here. Are you pregnant?
* * *
And now I’m going to lie to my best friend.
* * *
Me: No. It’s all good
.
Ellie: Oh, thank god! I know you didn’t want that, and it would have definitely put a kink in your plans to avoid all things Declan.
* * *
She can say that again.
* * *
Me: For real. I’m happy for you though! A baby! How is Connor?
* * *
Maybe if I can turn the conversation to her and Connor, we can forget about me. Focusing on anything other than my current problems is preferable.
* * *
Ellie: He’s beside himself. Call me tomorrow?
Me: You got it.
* * *
Not that I have a clue what I’ll say tomorrow.
Chapter Five
Declan
“A tiny house? You? That’s rich.” Milo Huxley laughs as he grabs his scotch.
“I don’t have much of a choice. Not all of us find the woman of our dreams, marry her, get the job we want, and get to live in luxury.”
He raises his glass and nods. “That might be so, but you’re forgetting the part where I lost the job, moved back to London without the girl, and have a wanker for a brother who made me an assistant for quite a while.”
“I’ve got three of those,” I toss back. “And I’m moving back to the town where I have to try to avoid the girl.”
It’s been two months, and I can’t get her out of my head. I’ve dreamed of her, woke with the memory of how she felt in my arms again, and would swear I could smell her perfume at times. All of it torturing me more than ever before.
When I left her, I knew I would never be the same, but when I went back, I had no idea it would be worse than when we were kids.
“Well, I don’t envy you, that’s for sure.”
I ignore Milo and drain the remnants of my drink. “Why did you want to meet up? Just to remind me of all the shit I’m going to have to deal with?”
Milo was one of the first investors I acquired when I branched out on my own, and he has been with me for six years. Now, he’s more of a friend than anything. The two of us have been through highs and lows and always had each other’s backs.
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