Sean has loved her and she has loved him since we were kids, and the only two people who don’t seem to have a clue about it are Devney and Sean themselves.
“Me? What the hell do I do?” Devney squeaks.
“Nothing. I’m sorry, I just got worked up.”
I’m not going to call her out, and ... maybe it’s for the best. Loving an Arrowood and not knowing you love them is way better than knowing and not being loved back.
The two of them grab for a cookie as we all let the moment settle around us. “I can’t pretend to know what you’re feeling,” Ellie says. “My relationship with Connor is nothing like yours and Declan’s, but I love you, and selfishly, I want you to stay.”
I smile and take her hand in mine. “I love you too, Ells. I really do, and it’s not easy for me to leave. I’ve lived here my whole life. I’ve only ever known this town and ...” I fight back the emotions bubbling up. It’s going to be impossible to drive away from this house, but I can’t stay. “Well, it’s going to just about kill me, but it’s time.”
“Will you at least wait until after the wedding? It’s only a few weeks away.”
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world. You don’t have to worry about that.”
Devney grabs my other hand and squeezes it. “I hate to see you hurt like this. I could kill him for making you leave your home.”
“He’s not at fault—I am. I’ve spent my life waiting for a man to come back and fight for something that he never wanted to fight for. Declan made his intentions clear when he left me. He doesn’t love me the way I need him to. He doesn’t want a family. He wants the life he has, and I want more. It just took me a while to see that.”
I hate keeping the bigger reason from my friends, but I won’t tell anyone else before I tell Declan. He deserves to know about the baby before my friends do.
“I don’t like it, but I understand your choice. When will you leave?” Ellie asks.
I lift one shoulder. “It depends on when I can get the house sold.”
Chapter Twelve
Sydney
“Sydneybean, I think you’re fussing over nothing,” Jimmy says as I wipe the counter for the third time.
“I don’t know what they’re looking for.”
“Land, and you have it. A lot of it.”
Yes, but I have this house too, and it’s worth something. It’s where I came down the stairs and found Declan waiting to take me to prom. It’s filled with Christmas memories, and the small dent from when Sierra did a handstand and fell, putting a hole in the wall.
Even the bad memories have a voice.
“Still, I don’t want anyone to judge the house poorly.”
He grabs the coffee mug and takes a long sip, all the while staring at me.
I know he has something he wants to say. “Just spit it out, Jimmy.”
He sets his mug down before crossing his arms over his chest. “You think you’re fooling the world, Bean, but you’re not fooling this old man. You’ve got a secret.”
Oh, Lord. Not today, please.
“I have many secrets.”
“Not with me you don’t.”
Well, he’s wrong there, but I’m not going to argue. The thing is, he does know me. He was always good at seeing through the crap, and I could never get away with lying or telling him half-truths. That said, I’m not ready to tell him either.
“There’s something going on that I can’t talk about right now, but I promise, I’m fine and when I can tell you, I will.”
Jimmy leans back, watching me. “I appreciate the honesty, but that doesn’t explain why you’re leaving town. This is your home, darling.”
“People move.”
“Yes, but is that what you really want?”
Would I have stayed here if I weren’t pregnant? Yes. I would’ve, but I am pregnant and not stupid enough to think that raising a baby alone will be easy. I need a support system. So, I’m doing what I have to.
“All I want is for you to be happy, if that means you leave here, then so be it.”
I walk over to him and kiss his cheek. “You know, I always wished you could be my daddy.”
He pulls me into his arms, chin resting on my head. “I did too, Bean, but the Lord knew we needed each other, so he put us together. Your father didn’t deserve you. To leave a child like that is unthinkable. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, and you’re not even mine.”
We don’t talk much about Hal Hastings. No one brings him up because there is not much to say other than he was an ass.
I step back, needing a bit of space. “Do you think he regrets it?”
“He should. If he doesn’t, then he’s a bigger fool than either of us already know him to be. He punished you and Sierra when you did nothing wrong. How he can stay away from his kids is beyond me, but not to know his grandkids? Well, that’s just unforgivable.”
For a second, panic grips me, and I wonder if he knows, but then I remember that my sister has two boys. “I keep trying to tell myself it doesn’t matter, but it does.”
“I don’t think any child can not care when a parent doesn’t love them. I lost my mother when I was an infant and not having her in my life changed me. But you and Sierra had Hal in your life for years before he left. You’d be lying to yourself if you didn’t think that would change you.”
I swallow back the fear that bubbles up. This is what I stress over regarding the baby I’m carrying. Wouldn’t it be better for him or her to never know Declan than to face knowing he didn’t want them?
“But did it make me better?”
He smiles, touching my cheek. “It made you strong.”
Funny that a few minutes ago he was saying I was running. “Strong enough to sell the farm.”
He chuckles and shakes his head. “I guess you got me there.”
The back screen door creeks open, and I jump before seeing dark brown hair and green eyes I would know anywhere appear. “Sorry, I knocked on the front door, but no one answered.”
Declan grins when he sees Jimmy. The two of them shared a bond that was deep, and I think Jimmy was as heartbroken as I was when we split up. He lost Declan the same as I did.
“Declan Arrowood, as I live and breathe.” Jimmy steps toward him, arms wide.
“I’m so sorry, Jimmy,” Declan says, embracing him.
“You were a man.” Jimmy’s voice is thick with emotion. “Don’t apologize for making a choice, son, even if it was the wrong one.”
“Not all of us are as smart as you.”
Jimmy’s deep throaty laugh fills the room. “That’s the truth if I’ve ever heard it.”
Declan claps his hand on Jimmy’s shoulder. “How are you feeling?”
The two fall into an easy conversation, and I slip out to give them some privacy. I head up to my room, grab my sweater, and then tidy up a bit.
The bed has been in the same place since I was fourteen and still faces the window. I always wanted to be able to see him if he visited at night. I convinced Jimmy that every girl should have a reading area, so we turned the bay window that was there into a nook that had cabinets and a padded bench. It was perfect for Declan to drop down onto.
Does he recall the nights he would sneak into my bedroom and hold me as I cried? I glance out the window, looking at the oak tree that no longer has the long branch he would climb. I cut that down two months after he left me, once I realized he wasn’t coming back.
I turn my back to the window and sigh.
It’s weird having Declan in my house again. I’m doing what I can not to think about it, but that makes me think even more.
Being near him makes everything so real again. The pain and the love I felt for him wasn’t gone, but I could live around it. Now, it’s undeniable.
My hand rests on my belly, thinking of the life that grows there. As soon as I sell the house, I’m going to tell him. At least then, I’ll be detached from the memories and ready for the next phase of my life. There’s no point in stayin
g in Sugarloaf if I won’t have a life with him.
It wouldn’t be fair to any other man I met. The memories that haunt me are in this home, this town, this room. I need to free myself of it so I can forge ahead.
“You okay?”
I jump at the sound of Declan’s voice. “You scared me.”
“Sorry about that. Wow, this room is ... incredible.”
While some of the room is the same, other things are different. The bedding, draperies, and the ugly striped wallpaper are gone. Now, it’s much more me ... a little bit rustic, a little bit glamorous, and a love of style. I look around at the dark gray paint that has pops of yellow and teal to make the space feel bigger. I hung a chandelier over the bed that has crystals shooting prisms everywhere and when the fireplace is on, it’s magical. The last thing I did was add a built-in bookcase made of pipe and barn wood to give it a bit of farmhouse.
“Thanks.”
“You really did a lot with the house.”
“When I got the property, I wanted to update it to match my tastes.”
Declan continues to look around. “Well, all of this is beautiful.”
My heart warms at his praise. I love this house. I’ve done everything I could to make it my own and still keep with the original feel of it. It’s updated but still has that old farm look.
“Did you and Jimmy have a good talk?”
“We did. He seems happy with the idea of retiring.”
I nod. “He’s been doing this a long time.”
Declan laughs. “You think he’d ever abandon you? He’d cut his arm off before he’d let that happen. You needed him.”
My throat grows tighter, and the love I have for Jimmy swells. I didn’t think that I was the reason why. I’m not his daughter, even if he does love me like I am. I thought he liked the farm and needed it to stay busy. Here I had it in my thick head that I was doing him a favor, not the other way around.
“Now I feel like an asshole.”
“Why?”
“Because I was keeping the farm for him.”
His lazy smile causes my stomach to clench. I really love that one. His eyes crinkle just a bit on the left and his irises seem to darken, making him impossible to resist. Not that I could resist anything about him, but this made it even harder.
“Maybe it’s time that you both let it go.”
I nod, feeling as if that’s exactly what we all need. “And maybe now is the right time, you know?”
Declan nods. “Hopefully, I can help you accomplish that.”
“I hope so too.” Because in the end, we both have a lot to lose.
Chapter Thirteen
Declan
I would do anything to help her, including helping her put more distance between us, which has been gnawing at me each day since I made her that offer.
I have loved Sydney Hastings since the day I met her, and that has never gone away.
I lift my fingertips, just grazing my knuckles against her cheek. Her eyelids flutter closed, long dark lashes fanning out against her cheekbones, and I cup her face. Her cheek falls into my palm as though it’s natural.
God, I want her so much.
Her head is in my hands, and my heart is at her feet. She has no idea how badly I want to be the man she still sees.
Our breathing is heavy and her body leans closer to mine.
My other arm snakes around her without pause and then I lean down, wanting to feel more, be closer.
At the same time, Sydney lifts her head and then our lips touch.
It’s gentle at first, almost as though neither of us meant to do it, and then, I snap.
My arm cinches around her, pulling her tighter to me as her hands grip my face. My tongue slides into her mouth, both of us moan.
I pour everything into the kiss, hoping she feels the anger, love, frustration that it isn’t enough to make things different, and the way I wish it could be. The taste of her mouth is like heaven.
“Declan.” She groans my name as I push her against the wall.
“You’re so beautiful,” I tell her, and then my mouth is on hers again.
Sydney’s fingers tangle into my hair, keeping me where she wants me, but I wouldn’t leave her if an army stormed the house. This is what I need.
Her.
Everything she is makes me feel alive. Our lips move together in the way they always have, as if we’re two souls that become one. She’s the beat in my heart and for so long, it’s been dead.
And then, she turns her head away.
“Stop,” she says with so much pain in her voice, it breaks me.
I take a step back, trying to get control over myself. Jesus Christ, I had her shoved against the wall and … I’m a fucking bastard.
“Syd.”
“No. Please.” Her eyes are pleading as she smooths her clothes. “It was … it’s fine. I got carried away.”
“What?”
“It was an old memory or a dream I had about you being in here. I apologize.”
Now anger takes hold. “I kissed you.”
Her eyes widen. “No, I kissed you.”
“Sydney, I assure you that I instigated that kiss and I would’ve kissed you until I had you in the same predicament as the last time if you hadn’t stopped it.”
She lets out a loud puff of air and then rubs her fingers across her lips. Her gaze lifts to mine and there’s a sense of determination and strength in them. “Does this change anything for us?”
I blink a few times. “For us?”
“Are we friends?”
“Of course,” I say carefully.
“Do you want to suddenly marry me and become a family?”
My chest tightens, and my throat goes dry. “Syd …”
“Answer me, Dec.”
“No, I don’t …”
She raises her hand. “Then there’s nothing to say. We were friends who shared a passionate kiss. We can blame it on a full moon or whatever you want. However, if you want to be friends, that has to be the last time. I can’t keep doing this. My feelings for you have always been what they are. I love you, want a life with you, but I can’t let myself hope when you’re clear there is none. So, I beg you. Love me or let me go because my heart can’t take anymore.”
And with that, she walks out, leaving me feeling like a complete asshole.
After a second, I collect myself and head downstairs. She’s standing at the window, looking lost, and I hate myself.
“Milo should be here soon,” I say, wanting to see her eyes so I can read what’s in her head.
However, she doesn’t turn to me. Instead, she tucks her blonde hair behind her ear. “What exactly will today entail? Meaning, what should I expect?”
I move toward her, and she steps to the side. “Milo will come and tour the property, and hopefully, he’ll give you some insight on what he thinks. He buys and develops property, but he also invests in properties like this one on the side in London mostly, but also here. You’ll like Milo, he’s a cocky prick, but a great guy.”
She nods slowly and then finally looks at me with a smile. “So, he’s like you?”
“I’m not sure I’m such a great guy.”
Sydney shakes her head. “I think you’re just fighting the wrong fight.”
“And what fight should I be fighting?”
“That’s for you to figure out.”
She’s the only person who can cut me with a few words or a look. I know I will never be the man she wants, and it would make me the villain if I were to pretend otherwise.
“I guess it is. Either way, Milo will be able to give you some advice that will help if you’re still sure you want to sell.”
“Oh, I’m sure.” She turns back toward the window. “Are you going to leave once you make the introduction?”
“No, I’ll walk with you guys.”
“Why?”
Because I want to spend whatever time near you that you’ll allow.
“Because Milo is my frie
nd, and he’s helping me out.”
Sydney’s eyes narrow. “Are you afraid I’m going to throw myself at him?”
Now I do chuckle. “Milo is happily married.”
“All the more reason you don’t need to stay around.”
One day, she’ll stop fighting back on every-damn-thing. Not that I have any hopes of that being today. “Or all the more reason you do.”
Her lips pinch. “Whatever.”
While a lot has changed, deep down, she’s still the same. Her passion and heart are like a siren to me, and I want to answer the call.
Two months ago, I held her in my arms and made love to her. I would’ve done it again upstairs because I can’t stop wanting her. I ache for her. I dream of her—of us—of a life together, even though I know I shouldn’t.
Then I wonder if she would give me just the time that I’m back. Then I remember, Sydney doesn’t love that way. She’s both feet in and no rope anywhere in sight. I would have to jump in with her, knowing I would never need air again because she would be my breath.
And that can’t happen.
I can’t have her, but I can help her find the surface and not drown her with the weight of my issues.
“He’s here,” Syd says.
Dread fills me, and I wonder if I’m making a mistake. Maybe I can convince Milo to tell her not to sell, but it’s a bit late for that.
Sydney goes and opens the door.
Before she can say anything, he speaks. “Well, no one told me that you are just the most enchanting creature alive.” Milo’s British accent is extra thick as he takes Sydney’s hand and brings it to his lips. “Delighted, love.”
She smiles, and a faint blush paints her cheeks. “You must be Milo.”
“Yes, I must, and you are the gorgeous woman who has tied this brute of a man up in knots.”
“Laying it on a little thick, are we, Milo?”
He shrugs with a grin. “Never.”
“Now I see why you didn’t want him to be alone with me. He’s charming and handsome.”
Milo’s arm wraps around her, and he pulls her close. “I like her.”
“I bet you do. Hands off or I’ll call your wife.”
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