“I love her.”
“We all know this.”
“I love her, and I told her about Ellie’s parents.”
Connor grips the back of his neck and nods. “You told her everything?”
“After … we … tonight, she was relentless. She wouldn’t give up, and I just kind of snapped and told her.”
Connor sighs heavily and then shrugs. “I’m glad you did. Although, you probably should’ve done it differently. Since, I’m sure you weren’t tactful.”
“No, I wasn’t. But I don’t know if telling her was right.”
“It’s time that we stopped acting as though we did something wrong. Yeah, we made some bad choices, but Dad is the one who was to blame. Look at her.” Connor juts his chin toward Ellie, who is standing inside the barn. “I don’t deserve her. Not for one fucking second am I good enough to walk in the same universe as she does. She’s beautiful, kind, and has given me more than my worthless ass could ever want. But she loves me. She loves you and Sean and even Jacob, God knows why. She lost everything because of that night, and yet, there she stands as my wife. If Ellie could forgive us, then so can Syd and everyone else we’ve pushed away.”
It isn’t that simple, but there is a lot of wisdom in his words. I only wish that we weren’t moving so fast. I’m not ready to be a father, and I had just finally been ready to move forward with her. We all know I don’t deserve Sydney, but I never have.
Everything is so fucking complicated. My instinct is to run after her, but I’m so messed up in the head that I know I won’t say the right thing. I’ll end up pushing her further or making her see that I’m not worth her tears, and I need to fix that first.
All in two days.
She’s the only thing that I’ve ever wanted, and she’s giving me a gift—a child. I wish she had told me sooner. I would’ve ... I don’t know, been there. Then tonight would’ve been different for us in so many ways. Instead, after I told her I loved her and was willing to try, she dropped a bomb on me.
Now I’ve gone and fucked it all up.
“What if she doesn’t forgive me for how I was tonight?” I ask him even though he has no idea that there’s so much more than what he assumes.
“Then you don’t know Sydney at all, brother.”
He’s right. She’s already forgiven me because she knows me. I just need time to get everything together. Then I can prove to her how I feel instead of giving her words she won’t believe. Sydney will take me back, and I’m going to make sure I never disappoint her again.
“When did you get so smart?”
Connor laughs, clapping me on the back. “When I learned that some things are worth fighting for.”
“What’s worth fighting for?” Sean asks as he joins the two of us.
“Sydney,” Connor responds.
“What about Syd?” Jacob asks as he makes his way toward us.
“This is great, all three of you at once,” I say with sarcasm thick in my voice. I love my brothers individually, but when we’re together, it usually ends with someone bleeding or bruised.
Jacob nudges my shoulder and glances around. “Is no one going to clue me in?”
“I just got here,” Sean responds. “I heard this asshole”—he lifts his thumb toward Connor—“say something about fighting for something. And guess what they were discussing?”
Connor smiles as though this is hilarious. “I was just informing our idiot brother that he needs to get his head out of his ass.”
Yeah, but he doesn’t know the whole of it. “It’s easy for you all when you’re on the outside looking in,” I try to defend.
Sean shrugs. “Maybe so, but you’ve been back here for a while now and you’ve yet to accomplish it.”
“Oh, he accomplished something,” Connor adds unhelpfully.
“Wait,” Jacob draws out the word. “Where the hell have you been?”
I glare at Connor. Him and his big freaking mouth. “I’ve been here.”
“Where? I haven’t seen you or Syd since you asked to cut in.”
Jacob just became my least favorite brother.
Sean glances at Connor who raises his hands up. “Don’t ask me. It’s up to Declan to tell you that he and Sydney went back to his tiny house and screwed each other’s brains out and then he let her leave. I mean, it would be really rude of me to tell you that.”
“I hate you all and if it weren’t your wedding, I’d beat you.”
Jacob laughs while shaking his head. “Man, you really are an idiot.”
“I know this,” I admit. The three of them watch me. “What?”
Connor rubs his jaw. “It’s just that you’ve always been the one who was so sure of your decisions.”
When it comes to Sydney, I don’t ever feel sure. It’s as though we’re on two different levels and I’ve never been equal to her. She’s better than me in every way. Now, it’s all so damn complicated. We’re going to have a kid, which I never thought was going to happen for me.
If I give in, let myself love her, and it doesn’t work out … I won’t recover. For so long, I’ve fought against ever seeing a future other than my job. Now, all of it has changed.
“I don’t know that I’ve ever been sure, Connor. I’ve just made the choice and lived with it.”
Sean huffs. “Except where Syd is concerned. Look, Dec, we’re not stupid kids anymore. All of us have been living in the past.”
“What made her leave after your interlude?” Jacob asks, eying me more closely.
“I told her everything.”
“Everything?” Sean asks.
Connor rests his hand on Sean’s shoulder. “Yes, the accident, how it happened, and why we all left town. It was the right thing to do. No matter what, it affected all of us, including Syd.”
I look at my brother, thankful to have him as a part of my family.
“So, she didn’t take it well?” Jacob’s voice is full of curiosity.
I sigh. “More like I didn’t handle it well.”
The three of them all chuckle. “There’s a shock,” Sean digs at me.
“There’s more, but, I can’t get into it now.”
Today is for Connor, and I’ve already taken up too much of it. “Besides, Ellie is shooting daggers at us as we all stand out here.”
“Everyone smile,” Jacob says as he lifts his hand to wave. The three of us all mimic him.
Connor speaks through his smile. “I’m a dead man.”
“You sure are,” Sean agrees.
“We look like fools,” I say. The four of us are waving and smiling as though we’re at a damn parade.
Ellie shakes her head and walks to another guest. Then the three of them turn back to me. Connor speaking first. “We may look like fools, but you’re acting like one. Go to her tomorrow and fix it.”
And then he walks back to his wife, kisses her temple and a pang of jealousy so strong nearly drops me to my knees.
I want that. Right there. I want it all.
This bed smells like her. The entire place does.
I roll over, press my face in the pillow, and inhale. The lavender and vanilla cling to the fabric, and I sit up. I can’t take this.
Today is the day I’ll go to her and tell her I want a future with her. I’m going to battle the demons that plague me about being a father, and I’m going to figure it out.
I roll over and grab my phone for the tenth time, checking to see if she’s called or texted.
Nothing.
It’s useless to lie around when I need to deal with my mess of a life. I fire up my laptop and find an email from Milo.
* * *
Declan,
She accepted the deal last week and was fine with the original closing date, but I got an email from her late last night saying she wants to expedite the sale and close by the end of the week or she would take the other offer. The paperwork is being sent by courier to your office to be signed by tomorrow.
What in the bloody fucking h
ell did you do to her?
* * *
Milo
* * *
Fuck.
She’s running. I screwed up last night by not telling her how I really felt, and now she thinks I didn’t choose her. Well, I have news for her. I’m not going to let her run off with my kid. I’m not going to allow her to make these choices without me, not when I love her like this.
When the dust settles, we will figure it all out—together.
Last night wasn’t some fluke. It was long overdue and high time I got my head out of my ass.
I get a cup of coffee and throw some clothes into a bag, I need to get into the city, sign the papers so she doesn’t sell the farm to some other random company and get back here.
I dial Milo, and he answers on the first ring.
“Seriously, what the fuck did you do?”
“I told her I loved her.”
He laughs. “It’s about bloody time.”
“And then she told me she’s pregnant.”
Silence falls. “You know I don’t want to ask the follow-up question.”
Now, it’s my turn to laugh. I bet he doesn’t. “It’s mine. We slept together a few months back, and well, I guess we all know what she was running from. But, I was a fool when I showed up and hurt her. I felt guilty that she was leaving because I came back into her life.”
Milo lets out a long breath through the line. “So, naturally you decided to buy her farm?”
“She doesn’t want to sell, and I love her. I want her to raise our kid wherever she wants, and if it means I jump through hoops to make this closing happen, then so be it. When will the papers be there?”
“Tomorrow. I need to call her as soon as we disconnect and let her know you agreed to move up the closing.”
“Good.”
“Are you sure about this, Declan? I know you have good intentions, but I don’t know if she’ll see it that way and it’s a lot of cash.”
I can see why he thinks that, but I see it as doing exactly what she asked me to do ... chase her.
Only this time, I’m going to catch her and I won’t be letting go.
“I’m sure. I’ll be in the office in a few hours. I need to sign them and then get back out to Sugarloaf.”
“Do you have the cash already?”
“Yes, I had the money borrowed against my company.”
Milo clears his throat. “If you only knew how fucking stupid you are for ever letting her go in the first place.”
I laugh once and toss my bag in my car. “Oh, I know, but I’m not stupid anymore.”
I hang up the phone and hear the ping of a text.
* * *
Sydney: Here is the information for the appointment tomorrow at two o’clock. I’ve given them your name as the father and let them know you may be attending, so there should be no issues with you going in. I want you to know that only Sierra knows about the baby. I don’t know if you told anyone, but I didn’t. I haven’t lied to anyone, but I thought you should know before anyone else. As for the other night, I had hoped, so much so, that you’d see how much I love you. I don’t know what else I can do, but if you choose not to come, then I’ll have my answer.
* * *
Oh, she’ll have her answer, and then she’ll have to make her own choice as well.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Sydney
My leg is bouncing as I sit in the office waiting room, waiting. Not just for my appointment, but for Declan.
I haven’t heard from him in two days, and my heart is in my stomach at the idea that he’s not coming.
I check my phone again for any missed calls, of which there are none, and then send a text to Ellie.
* * *
Me: Hey, have you seen Declan?
Ellie: He left yesterday to go into New York.
* * *
The breath pushes from my lungs as though I’ve been punched. He left?
* * *
Me: You’re sure?
Ellie: Yes, he stopped by the house to let Connor and I know he was going to be gone for a bit.
* * *
He left me. He ... he went to New York. I knew it was stupid to get my hopes up, but I did. I thought that maybe he’d hear what I said and give us a chance. I’m such a fool.
Time and time again, he has shown me what he wants, and I keep trying to believe otherwise. Why do I never learn?
“Ms. Hastings?” A nurse calls my name.
“Yes.” I stand and shove my phone into my bag.
I may feel like falling to the ground and crying, but I won’t. Today is the day I get to see my baby. I’ll hear his or her heartbeat and, hopefully, find out if it’s a girl or boy. I may be alone, but I’m strong enough to do this.
“Right this way,” she says and extends her arm. “I’m Jenna, and I’ll be with you through the ultrasound. I need you to go in here and get changed. Once you’re ready, go through that door.”
I nod, knowing I can’t speak yet. I may feel determined, but I’m shattered at the same time. This is not the Declan I know. He wouldn’t do this to me. He wouldn’t abandon a child either.
I’m livid, and I will never forgive him for this.
Letting another deep breath out through my mouth, I close my eyes and try to push all of it from my heart.
But it hurts.
It hurts so much that it’s hard to breathe.
How can I love him while he’s so willing to break my heart like this? Why can I not let him go like he’s done to me?
Another tear slides down my face as I stand in this empty room and strip down. I focus on the mundane things like folding my clothing neatly. I slip the robe on and shiver. I feel cold, numb, angry, and disappointed.
I gave him a final chance to choose me, and there is no clearer answer than him not showing up today.
I step through the door and force a smile onto my lips.
“Are you ready to see your baby?” Jenna asks as I hop onto the table.
“Yeah, will we find out the sex?”
“If you want me to, I definitely can try. Sometimes they don’t cooperate.”
I smile and fight back the urge to say: then they’d be like their dad. “I understand.”
She goes over what she’ll be looking for and how the appointment should proceed. “Do you have any other questions?”
“I think I’m good. I’m just ready to see him or her.”
Jenna touches my arm. “Are we waiting for anyone?”
I look at the door and then shake my head. “No. I’m doing this on my own.”
“All right.” Her voice is soft and understanding.
I settle a blanket over my legs and then lie back while she dims the lights. After a second, she takes a seat on the rolling stool next to the bed and gently tugs the gown up to expose my belly.
“Your bump is just starting to pop.”
“I’ve been lucky, I guess.”
“With my first, I didn’t start to show until about twenty-three weeks. People just assumed I was eating a lot.” She lets out a light laugh and then holds up the ultrasound wand. “I’m going to start now, if you need me to stop or anything, just let me know.”
“Thank you.”
Jenna puts some goopy stuff on my stomach, uses the ultrasound wand to smear it around, and then she presses the small device firmly against my lower abdomen.
The whooshing sound fills the room, and I turn my head to look at the machine, wondering what the hell that is.
“That’s the baby’s heartbeat.”
“It sounds so fast,” I muse.
“Yeah, it’s much faster than an adult heartbeat. It sounds healthy, though.” She tilts the wand, pushing it around. “That’s the heart there. If you look closely, you can see the four chambers.”
Tears fall because my baby has a heart ... and it beats ... and has all its chambers. I stare at the screen, not really sure of what the hell I’m seeing, but Jenna’s easy smile makes me feel better.
<
br /> Then I see a face. A little face, but it’s clear as day. There are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. The baby moves a bit, and the profile is so clear. My hand moves to my lips, and I suck in a breath as more tears fall.
“How can I love him or her already?” I ask.
She smiles and moves the wand around again. “Because you’re a mom.”
“Let me just look around and take some measurements,” Jenna’s voice changes just slightly as she starts clicking keys and nodding to herself.
I think I see an arm, but the kid could be an octopus for all I know with how many times things move, but Jenna seems to be sure of what she’s seeing. She clicks about some more, tilting her head and drifting closer to the screen while she looks at something.
“Is everything okay?” I ask, feeling nervous suddenly.
“I’m just measuring, that’s all.” Jenna smiles and then goes back. “You’re just about twenty weeks, right?”
I nod. “Yes. You know, I had some cramping the last two weeks, but Dr. Madison said it was completely normal.”
“Yes, cramping is normal while your uterus is stretching.”
Jenna seems focused, so I force myself to focus on staying calm. If there’s something wrong, they’ll tell me. I can’t freak out just because I think there’s some change in the room.
Yet, my instincts won’t allow me to do that.
My throat is tight, and there’s a gnawing feeling in my gut that has nothing to do with the baby.
“Jenna,” I whisper because speaking too loudly seems like bad luck. “Is everything okay?”
“I’m just going to grab the radiologist and have her take a look at something. I don’t want you to be alarmed, which I know is impossible, but know that everything is okay. I just can’t seem to see something, and I want a second person to give it a try, okay?”
I nod because what else can I do? I’m lying on this bed—alone. My head rests on the pillow, and I begin to count. I count because it’s mindless and requires no effort. I get up to one thousand and thirty-five before Jenna and two other women enter.
Fight for Me Page 17