“It means that we may have to intubate her. We’re watching, and if there are any signs of distress, we just want you to be aware.”
Jane stumbles into my arms, her tears fall rapidly as I hold her tight. I close my eyes, using all the strength I have left to be strong.
I hold her mother, letting her soak my shirt as she fears the same thing I do.
Things aren’t getting better.
She’s getting worse.
“And the baby?” I ask. Deacon was Sydney’s one concern, and if—when—she wakes, I want to be able to give her the most up-to-date information I can.
The doctor clears his throat. “She’s receiving nutrients and vitamins to ensure the baby is fine. We have the fetal monitors on, and her OB team is following her very closely. As far as we can tell, the surgery to remove the tumor was the right move for the baby. But, we’ll do another ultrasound to measure against the previous one to see if he’s grown. I know this is a lot, and it’s frustrating that we don’t have answers, but we are doing everything we can.”
Jane leans back, wiping her face, and sniffles. “Thank you, Doctor.”
He gives a stiff nod and then leaves.
She walks over to the other side of the bed and tucks Sydney’s hair behind her ear. “I can’t watch her wither away like this. She’s a strong girl who never backs down. I feel so helpless.”
I move to the opposite side. “I know. I do too.”
Jane’s eyes meet mine. “You know, when you left her, I thought she would crumple and die. You were … well, she loved you without reserve. No matter what, her faith in you was unwavering, even when I didn’t think you deserved it.”
“I didn’t deserve it. I proved that by not being here when she needed me.” Shame washes through my words.
“You’re here now, Declan. You’re standing at her side. You’ve been here continuously. Others have abandoned her, but you didn’t.” There is a long pause, and then she says, “Sierra told me that you bought the farm.”
“I did.”
“You’re a good man.”
I look down at Sydney and brush my fingers against her cheek before looking back at Jane. “I’ve made mistakes, but I love her. I’d like your blessing to marry her when she wakes up.”
Jane smiles. “I gave it to you once before, why should I do it again?”
I square my shoulders and don’t waver. “Because this time, I plan to actually ask her.”
“Good. Be sure you do, and if that doesn’t rouse her, then I don’t know what will.”
But it doesn’t, and more time passes while her breathing grows shallower.
“We’re getting closer to needing to move forward with intubating,” Dr. Voigt informs us. “She has moments of respiratory stability, but more often, she’s struggling, and her oxygen levels are starting to become concerning.”
This can’t be happening. “Are we losing her?” I ask him.
“At this point, we are just trying to make it easier for her to breathe. The more she struggles, the lower her blood oxygen becomes, and we want to avoid any damage that could cause.”
I run my hand down my face, and Jane’s eyes well up with tears. “And we still have no idea why she’s in a coma?”
He shakes his head. “No. None of the tests show anything to suggest why she hasn’t woken since the surgery.”
I look to where she sleeps and pinch the bridge of my nose. I’m losing her. “Can I have a few minutes?” I ask them both.
Jane nods. “I have to call Sierra.”
They walk out, and I make my way to her bed. I’m done being patient, if we can even call it that. She has to wake up now. “No more, Sydney,” I say with authority. “Our son needs you. He needs you to push through this and open your eyes.” My face is close to hers, watching for anything to tell me she hears me. “Deacon is inside you, and he needs his mother to take care of him. You can’t leave him to me or your sister. You can’t just ... give up. You can’t do this to everyone who loves you and needs you.”
Tears fall down my cheeks. I love her so much, and I’m breaking apart. I can feel her drifting away. It’s as though, in just the last hour, I’ve been able to watch the woman before me fade. It isn’t real, or at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself, but yet, I feel it in my bones.
Sydney won’t come back from this, and I can’t handle it.
I grip her hands, lacing my fingers in hers. “Don’t leave me, Sydney. Please don’t fucking leave me. I need to make this up to you. I want years to prove that I love you and that I can be what you need. You are all I want in this world, and I don’t want you to give up.” My head falls to the bed, resting on her hands. “Don’t give up, baby. Please, fight for me.” I stand, taking her face in my hands and leaning in to kiss her. She’s warm, soft, and completely absent. I don’t feel her with me. “I love you, Sydney.”
I release her, my heart feeling like a boulder in my chest. I take a step back, needing to get out of this room.
I can’t watch her fall deeper into the abyss.
I feel helpless, devastated, and so fucking alone.
My feet keep moving as my eyes stay on her, wanting to be near her but needing to pull away.
Each breath is labored, burning my soul as I retreat.
I can’t survive losing her. I don’t know how I ever let her go before. It’s killing me. Everything inside me is raging, clawing through my chest, desperate to get out.
I open the door, Jane’s eyes meet mine, and then I turn.
I can’t be here.
I have to … move.
My heart is thumping so hard I can hear nothing other than my pulse. I don’t know how to exist in a world without her. Even when I didn’t have her—she was here. She was already making the world a better place, just by drawing in air.
I walk, not seeing the people, hearing their words, or marking the halls I traverse. I’m just lost because I’m losing her.
I see the life we could’ve had. The life on the farm, heading into the city a few times a month but working beside her. The children we could have, running around, chasing their friends, and laughing. Sydney with her long blonde hair, torturing me with her sweet kisses and beautiful smiles.
We would run away to the pond for alone time when the kids were busy.
That future fades away before my eyes.
I’m standing in the hospital chapel.
I don’t even know how I got here …
“So, is this my punishment?” I ask the empty room or God or whoever is listening. “Do I have to atone for what my father did? Is this my penance? To live alone in a world without her? Have I not suffered enough?” My voice is full of rage. “Were all the years being beaten down, watching people I love fall apart not enough?” I walk, unable to sit, anger flowing through my veins, needing answers. “I walked away from her to keep her safe! I left her behind so she could escape any pain I might cause her, and you do this to her!” My hands are shaking, so I turn them into fists. “I love her, and you’re going to take her from me, aren’t you? I wasn’t good enough. I know this, but I was going to give her everything! I … I was …”
I sink to my knees, looking up at the cross, just like the one my mother had.
I’m angry at God, my family, the farm, Sydney, everyone, but most of all—myself. I have to live with the fact that she thinks I abandoned her. The guilt of her being disappointed in me.
“I am so scared,” I confess.
I close my eyes and decide to talk to the only person who might be listening.
“Mom, please, if you’re up there, don’t let me lose her. I know my path. I’m ready to take my second shot, but I need your help. I need her, and I can’t do this alone. Please, let me have another chance. I swear if you can just … give me this, I’ll make you proud again. I’ll stop running and be the man you’ve always believed I could be.”
I stay on my knees in that chapel for a long while, letting the despair wash over me and then letting it go. I have t
o be strong for Sydney.
After another second, I rise and head out into the hall. If she’s going to go through this, I’m going to be by her side the entire time. And whenever she opens her eyes, I’ll be there. If anything happens, I’ll be the one who sees it.
There’s no other option.
As I get through the doors to ICU, I see people running toward Sydney’s room. There are doctors, nurses, and a team of people going in and out. I start to move faster, my heart racing and throat dry.
Please God, no.
No, don’t let this be happening.
Then I see Jane, her tears are falling, head shaking back and forth as she clutches her mouth.
My world ends as I pull her into my arms, hoping for a miracle but knowing I’ve just lost her.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Sydney
People are everywhere, rushing around, and I can’t focus on anything. It’s as though I’ve been dreaming and have no idea how long I’ve been asleep.
I close my eyes again, trying to get my bearings. I know I’m in a hospital. There’s a constant beeping of machines while nurses rush around me, and wires pulling at my arms. Not to mention, it smells like a hospital. A bit of antiseptic cleaner and rubber.
“Sydney?” A deep male voice calls.
I look to him and he smiles softly. “Yes.”
The doctor lifts a light and shines it in my eyes while asking me a question. “Do you know where you are?”
“The hospital,” I croak. My throat feels like I’ve swallowed knives. It’s raw and scratchy and so dry.
“That’s right.” He continues to check me over, moving my body, squeezing my hands. “Can you squeeze back.”
I do, and he nods approvingly. “Good. Do you remember me?”
Do I? I think I do. I know he’s a doctor, and he looks familiar, but I am so tired and groggy. It’s as though I’m in a fog. I can see things, but nothing is clear. Everything feels distant and hazy. “I just ... I can’t remember.”
He nods. “That’s normal.”
Normal? Normal for what? I don’t know what’s happening to me or my baby.
The baby.
Oh God.
My hand flies to my stomach as I scramble to remember what happened.
“The baby is fine.” The doctor puts his hand on mine. “We’ve been monitoring him while you’ve been in a coma.”
I’ve been in a coma?
“What? How long? My sister?” I barely get the words past my lips because my throat screams out in pain again.
I try to recall something about what happened. I remember going in for the surgery, and that’s it. I don’t … understand what’s happening. I don’t feel like time has passed, but then again, I have no idea what day it is.
The nurse brings me a cup of ice chips. “Take it slow,” she instructs.
“I’m Doctor Voigt, and I was your surgeon. I need you to stay calm so we keep your heart rate steady for the baby. Do you remember having the surgery?”
I nod. And now that I’ve heard his name, it rings a bell. I take an ice chip into my mouth and breathe through my nose. I won’t do anything to harm the baby.
“Good. The surgery went well, the tumor is gone and the baby is healthy, but you’ve been unconscious for a week now. We’re not sure why, but we’re very happy you’re awake now. Your family is outside, they’ve been here the entire time. I’m sure you have a lot of questions, but I’d like to bring them in here to see you, if that’s okay?”
The desire to see someone familiar is too great to pass up. “Please.”
Dr. Voigt smiles and then heads out of the room. When the glass door slides open again, my mother walks in with tears streaming down her face.
“Oh, Sydney!” She moves quickly to my side, taking my face in her hands. “I’ve been so scared. We all have.” Her hands fall, she looks back and then I see him.
Declan stands in the doorway, his eyes swollen, hair a mess, and God knows how long it’s been since he’s shaved.
He looks beaten.
He looks beautiful.
He looks absolutely terrified.
I turn back to my mother, needing not to look at him. Pieces of my memory flare up when I remember that Declan wasn’t here earlier. He was in New York. He left me after I told him everything and begged him to love me.
It doesn’t matter that he’s clearly shaken now. It’s too little too late.
“The baby, he’s fine, right?”
She smiles through her tears. “Yes, baby, you and the baby are just fine. Everything is okay now, and the surgery went well. It’s been … trying, to say the least, but you’re awake and … oh, it’s so good to see you.”
I can hear the relief in her voice, and I hate that she was so worried. “I’m sorry I scared you.”
Declan shifts, and as much as I try to focus on my mother, it’s impossible not to notice him. My mom turns to Declan and then back to me before taking a step back. “I’m going to call Sierra and Ellie. I think you two need a moment.”
I don’t take my eyes away from him as he steps into the room. The glass closes behind him, and the fog I was under before is back, only it’s everything else but him that’s out of focus.
Declan is here. I don’t know why or what he hopes for, but he’s here and he looks as though he’s been through war.
His eyes are on mine as he moves toward me, hesitation flowing thickly between us.
“Say something,” his voice rasps.
“Why are you here?”
His eyes close for a beat, and then he is at my side. “Because I love you. I love you more than any man has ever loved a woman, and I was coming to you that day. I went to the doctor’s office after everything that could’ve gone wrong did. I missed the appointment, and I was … God, I was chasing you. Just like you asked. I’ve been here, and I’m not leaving you again, Sydney.”
All the words I’ve longed to hear fall from his lips, but I can’t think. I am so lost and confused. I rest my hand on my stomach and lean my head back. Right now, I have to digest the fact that I’ve been in a coma. “Tell me about the last week.”
When I open my eyes, I see the hurt painting his features, but he shields himself quickly. “You didn’t wake up after the surgery. They couldn’t figure out why, so we just sat here, waiting and hoping, but you didn’t respond. I talked to you for hours. We all did. Sierra, your mother, Ellie, and Connor … we were always here.”
As much as I thought I wanted to hear this, I don’t. I want to know why he wasn’t there before. I need to know what was so much more important than the ultrasound. And yet, right now, he is here.
“Declan, I can’t …”
My words drift away as my mother pulls the door open, but Declan doesn’t turn to acknowledge her. He just moves closer and sits on the edge of the bed.
“I was coming for you, Syd. I’ve been here, and we have to figure this out.” He finally looks to my mother and then back to me. “I’m going to make some calls and change my clothes, but I’ll be back.”
I nod, not really having the strength to do more. Declan leans forward, pressing his lips to my forehead, but I hold my breath. It’s intimate and sweet. My head is a jumbled mess. So much has happened and I’m exhausted.
My mother touches his arm as he leaves before coming to my side.
“It’s good to see your eyes.” Her voice is soft, but I can hear the fear under it.
“Days?”
She nods. “It’s been days since that man has left your side. He’s been a wreck, but we haven’t been able to get him to take a break.”
That wasn’t what I was asking, but the information is new. “You mean he hasn’t left?”
Mom smiles softly and then sits in the chair beside the bed. “He’s been here all day and all night. Every day that you were in the coma. He would leave to shower, usually after Connor browbeat him into doing it, and maybe to grab some food, but otherwise, Declan has been at your side every moment
.”
I lick my lips and let that information settle around me. “Why?”
“Because the man is in love with you,” Mom says with a laugh. “He’s been torn up about how it all happened. He’s talked to you, begged for your forgiveness, and said a lot about his feelings while you slept.”
A lot of good it does me since I don’t remember anything. “Seven days pales in comparison to the years that I’ve had to cope with being without him.”
“Maybe so, but those years of coping did nothing to stop you from leaving the farm you love, your friends, and the life you’ve built. No, my sweet girl, what did that is the man out in the hallway.”
I see his silhouette through the frosted glass, pacing back and forth, never straying far enough for me to lose sight of his profile. I would know him even in the darkness. Hell, maybe even blind.
“He lets me down. He doesn’t choose me, ever. He’s let me go, pushed me away, and abandoned me.”
She seems to consider that. “Maybe that’s true, but it’s also a bit unfair. I know true abandonment. If Declan didn’t love you, he would’ve left. He wouldn’t have spent the last week as a fixture at your bedside.”
“Obligation and duty are important to him. I’m carrying his son, so for all we know, that’s what he cared about.”
She laughs once. “You’re a fool and a liar if you believe that. I’ve seen a man stay out of obligation, Sydney, and that wasn’t what Declan did. He was devastated. Not about the baby, in fact, he and Sierra had it out about the baby and you. Declan would’ve let the entire world burn down and allow everything else to perish if it meant saving you. You don’t have to forgive him yet, but at least listen to what he says before you make a decision you’ll regret.”
I let that sink in and worry my bottom lip. I still don’t believe it completely. However, even after sleeping for what seems like forever, I’m too exhausted to think about Declan and his reasons for doing what he did.
If he loves me, he needs to do a lot more than sit at my bedside for seven days.
“Mom,” I say while my eyes start to feel heavy. “I’m sleepy.”
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