CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: Nick and the Smart Hookers
Nick opened his eyes, confused about his strange surroundings. The sheets were clean, and the dawn light was shining through the open curtains. He definitely wasn’t in his place, but where was he? He heard a knock on the door then saw it open. Benny walked in, carrying a cup of coffee.
“Oh, my God. I’ve died and gone to hell,” screamed Nick.
“Cool it, Nick,” said Benny. He was already dressed in his Armani suit. “I let you sleep a little late, so you can be fresh for Jamie.”
“I tried to get fresh with her seventeen years ago, and look where it got me.” He realized where he was and wasn’t happy about it.
“Here’s some coffee. Slam it down and get your butt in the shower. We’re going to prepare you for the meeting.”
“And just how are you going to prepare me?”
“I’ve got some figures she’ll probably throw at you. I want you to be prepared.”
“Hey, man, you promised me when I was hired, I wouldn’t be bothered with bullshit like numbers and figures.”
“Sorry, Nick, but this is the real world. Some other company is buying us out, and Jamie is going to be sorting out all our affairs. She’ll probably be figuring out who the new company will keep or let go.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I mean she is going to be digging in all…”
“No – what’s this about a buyout?”
“I tried to tell you yesterday, but…”
“And just how long have you known about it?”
“I just found out for myself yesterday.”
Nick gulped down his entire cup of coffee. “Hit me again, coffee man.” Nick gave Benny his cup. “Where’s your bathroom? I need a shower.”
Benny directed him to the guest bathroom. He was relieved Nick was taking this so well. He didn’t realize Nick just wanted to be awake enough to plan his escape.
Debbie was getting ready for work. She picked up the phone and called Tony for the fourth time that morning. He still wasn’t home. She called Andie, who was about to run out the door.
“Hello?” said Andie.
“Hey, it’s me. Why are you all out of breath?”
“I’m running late. I’ve got so much to talk to you about. I’ll see you at work. Bye.”
Debbie called Nick’s apartment, with the hope Tony might be over there. She got Nick’s sarcastic message and didn’t bother to leave one of her own. She finished getting ready and left for work.
Nick stepped out of the shower, grabbed a towel, and met Benny.
“What am I going to wear?” asked Nick.
“I got your best set of clothes I could find from your place.” Benny pointed to a set of clothes, neatly arranged over the bed.
“When were you there?”
“You don’t remember? I was there yesterday when you got me drunk and left.” Nick was staring at his clothes spread out over another man’s bed. He was wearing a towel while hearing how he got another man drunk.
“This is getting a little too weird,” said Nick.
“I’ll be in the living room, setting up the paperwork. I’ll meet you there.”
Benny left and Nick started putting on his clothes. They weren’t what he would have picked out for himself, but he figured it was a business meeting and could handle it for an hour or two. He walked to the window and saw a large, pointy bush right outside. There was no way to climb out and get away. He had gained a few pounds since the last time he had worn the dress pants Benny picked out. His metabolism was finally slowing down. He squeezed into them and met Benny in the living room.
“Okay, I’m stuck here. We might as well get started.”
“Alright, Nick. Sit down. Let me show you what you’ve done over the last year.” He grabbed his report. “You’ve signed one band, produced one band, engineered one album, wrote two songs, and went way over budget on your expense report.”
“I told you The Cramping Violets were an expensive band. It took a lot to convince them to sign on with us,” explained Nick.
“They’re from here. You didn’t have to leave the city. You told me how much money you saved the company by signing a local band, but according to this expense report, you went way overboard.”
“Man, like I said, it took a lot of convincing.”
“What’s this expense for from the New Lake City Library for five-thousand dollars?”
“Hookers.”
“What?”
“Really smart hookers.”
“How am I going to convince Jamie that five-thousand dollars is a legitimate expense because it was spent on smart hookers?”
“Would you have rather I spent the money on dumb hookers?”
Benny was furious. “No, Nick. I would rather you not have spent any money for any hookers.”
“Well, they’re not free, you know.”
Benny went down the list. “And what’s this? Thirty-thousand dollars for a one-night limo rental?”
“Well, you see, they kind of took the limo out in the country and set it on fire.”
“They did what?”
“You know, gasoline, matches, flames – fire.”
“How in the heck did the limo driver let them get away with that?”
“They tied him to a tree then got him drunk.”
Benny couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “How come he never reported it?”
“Do you see an expense from The Electronic Warehouse for about two-thousand dollars?” asked Nick.
Benny looked at the report. “As a matter of fact, that was my next question.”
“Well, they bought the driver a big-screen TV to forget about the whole incident – then they paid to replace the limo.”
“Thirty-thousand dollars?” asked a livid Benny.
“Hey, we’re lucky it was an older model. It could have been a lot worse.”
“How can it be worse? Look, Nick, I’m sorry. It’s my entire fault for trusting you and giving your carte blanche with the expenses. I was so happy when you finally found a band, I didn’t worry about looking at your expense report until now.”
“I didn’t file it until this past Friday. Don’t beat yourself up about it.”
“But the library expense was six months ago. How come you didn’t file it then?”
“I wanted to make sure nobody in the band caught anything before I submitted it.”
“Well, one of them is dead now. I don’t think you have to worry about him catching anything.”
“See, I also saved the company some money right there.”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you see an expense for twelve-thousand dollars to Deville Creek Luxury Apartments?”
“Yeah, I see it right here. What’s it for?”
“Zipper Down was the only holdout about signing, so I bought him a twelve-month lease.”
“You signed a lease using our money?”
“Yeah.”
“How did you just save us money?”
“There was a death clause in the lease. If the tenant died, the remainder of the lease would be taken care of.”
Benny shook his head. “So, let’s see. You saved us about five-thousand dollars, right?”
“I don’t know the math, but that sounds about right.”
“Why did you spend all that darn money in the first place?”
“Wait a second, buddy-boy. I did all the engineering on that album, all the mixing, and all the producing. You didn’t have to spend one cent for any outside help. And since I’m on this salary thing, the album basically cost Apocalypse nothing extra to produce. So you see - if you take the cost that it takes to produce an album normally, including miscellaneous expenses, I still say we came out way ahead with this Cramping Violets album.”
Benny thought about it for a while. “You know what, Nick? That makes sense. I think if I can finagle the report a little, I can make it legit. But answer me this – how did you get away with spending
all this money before any of us found out about it?”
“You see an expense for the Matador Ballroom?”
“Let me see, oh yeah, twenty-five hundred dollars. What’s it for?”
“Two years worth of ballroom dance lessons for Ted.”
“Ted Boone, our accountant?”
“Yeah.”
“Nick, you are the most unmanageable, irresponsible, yet ingenious employee, I have ever come across in all my years of management.”
“Thanks – I think.”
“I wonder how this ever got past Mr. Levon?”
“Do you see an expense from…”
“Never mind,” said Benny. “I don’t want to know. Okay, we have to meet Jamie in a couple of hours. I let her know we’d meet her at La Petite Maison, at eleven-thirty.”
Nick recalled the previous day, when he got that eerie feeling while walking in front of the little bistro. Now he knew why.
Debbie was now at her own desk. She shared an office with two other secretaries. Andie ran in, out of breath, but wearing a big smile.
“You didn’t?” asked Debbie.
“Of course not,” said Andie, “but we had an awesome time. We’re going out again tonight.”
“That’s wonderful.”
“And he invited me to have lunch with you two today.”
“That’s perfect. Maybe Tony won’t be so jealous that way.”
“Tony’s jealous?”
“A little, I think. I haven’t talked to him since yesterday morning.”
“Really? That’s strange.”
“Nothing to worry about. I’m sure I’ll talk to him a little later today.”
Harold walked in the room. “Hello, ladies. Debbie, I took the liberty of inviting Andie to lunch with us today. I hope you don’t mind.” He looked at Andie and smiled.
“Of course not,” said an enthused Debbie.
“We need to do some research at the Clerk of Courts office, so we can eat downtown,” said Harold.
“I know of a great little bistro a few blocks from there,” said Debbie. “La Petite Maison.”
“Sounds great to me. How about you, Andie?”
“So fine,” she said, as she ogled at the sight of Harold. “I mean – yes. That’s fine.”
“Great. Let’s get an early start. Do you need to clear it with anyone, Andie?”
“No, as a matter of fact, I need to go to the Clerk of Court to check on a few things myself.”
“Great,” said Harold. “We can all go in my car.” The three of them hopped in Harold’s BMW convertible and headed downtown.
Benny showed Nick some of the other reports Jamie could possibly throw their way. They were about as prepared as they could be. Nick started sweating.
“I can’t believe this is happening. I thought I would never have to lay eyes on that woman again. Now, I might be working for her.”
“I don’t think we’ll be working for her,” said Benny. “She’s probably just doing the field work for the company that’s buying us out.”
“What company is it? You never told me.”
“That’s because I don’t even know. Mr. Levon didn’t give me any details. All I know is that it’s a pretty serious situation. I’ve never seen him so broken up about anything before.”
“He must have already talked to her. She has that effect on people.”
“I know what you mean. I was intimidated when I talked to her.”
“How did she sound?”
“Well, she was businesslike, and…”
“No, I mean, did she sound fat?”
“How would I know if she sounded fat?”
“Well, did she sound like her hair had fallen out and she lost half her teeth?”
“Nick, I can’t tell what a person looks like over the phone.”
“Maybe she had a dozen kids, and her body looks like Jell-O,” said a hopeful Nick. “That would make it easier. But then again – that would mean someone else had her.”
“We’ll worry about what she looks like when we see her. Let’s go. I don’t want to be late.” They hopped inside Benny’s rented Mercedes and headed downtown. They arrived at La Petite Maison. They parked on the side of the building and walked to the front.
“It’s such a pretty morning,” said Benny. “Why don’t we sit outside? Maybe it will keep Jamie in a good mood.”
“Hey, whatever works,” said Nick. There were two tables under the awning in front of the bistro. They sat at one of them and waited.
“I hope this table is okay,” said Benny, as he stared at the table next to them.
“You think Jesus worried about his table at the Last Supper?”
“Come on, Nick. It won’t be that bad.”
“Yeah, right. You know, I bet in her past life, Jamie was the waitress at the Last Supper. She probably went up to Jesus and said, I’m sorry, Mr. Jesus. We’re out of wine, but here’s some water. You know what to do.”
“Nick, don’t go crazy on me. There’s still the possibility that it’s not the same Jamie O’Malley you know.”
“How did she pronounce my last name?”
Benny pronounced it correctly, “Pel-tee-ay.” This was the unique way the name was pronounced by the people from the Acadiana region of Louisiana. He didn’t have the heart to tell Nick how she mentioned the name Nickster.
“That’s all the proof I need. How many people pronounce my name right around here?” Nick was used to this. Outside Louisiana, he never had anyone say his name correctly. Gerome Elderberry was the latest person to butcher his last name.
“Okay, Nick. You’re right. There’s a ninety-nine percent chance that it’s the same Jamie, but come on. We’ve got to make a good, professional appearance to Ms. O’Malley.”
“Ms. O’Malley – I can’t believe she never got married. Or maybe she got married and kept her maiden name. Or maybe she got divorced and went back to her maiden name. Or maybe she’s a widow and…”
“Nick, shut up. You sound like I did Sunday.”
“That bad? I must really be screwed up.”
“Thanks a lot, buddy. Now, please, just stay calm.”
“That’s real easy for you, Mr. I-don’t-have-a-car-anymore-because-I-gave-it-away-to…”
“Hey, screw you,” said Benny. Even that phrase was uncharacteristic of Benny.
“You wouldn’t like it. I would just lay there and sweat,” said Nick. “I’m also impressed. You used the word screw in an insulting way.”
Benny stared at Nick. “You are so twisted. You need help. By the way – what ever happened to that intern I sent to you?”
“That Lewinsky chick? She was horrible. All she kept talking about was making it big in Washington. I told her she’d be better off there, gave her one of your cigars and told her to hit the road.”
“You gave her one of my Cubans?”
“We’re not allowed to give interns money. That’s the only thing of value I could find. I’m sure she’ll put it to good use.”
“That’s a shame. I really liked her. I hope she doesn’t blow her chances in Washington.” His cellular phone suddenly rang. “Let me get this. Hello? – Yeah – What? - Are you kidding me? – How many? -Oh, my God. – Are you sure? – Yeah, okay – I’ll let you know.”
“Who was that?” asked Nick.
“That was Neal. He just told me Jamie went straight to Mr. Levon’s office and fired the big man.”
“No, way,” said Nick. “How can someone fire the owner?”
“Apparently, the big guy is no longer the owner as of this morning. She fired six more people right after that – one of them was Kat.”
“We’re screwed.”
“Neal said she was on her way to meet us right now. I wonder what Kat is going to do?”
“Who gives a shit about Kat, man? The question is – what are we going to do?” Nick looked around. “I need a drink. Waiter.”
“Nick, it’s only eleven in the morning.”
“I don�
��t care. I need a drink. Waiter.”
Benny was worried. “Nick, don’t start freaking out on me. It won’t make a good impression on Jamie if she sees you drinking alcohol at a business lunch.”
“Screw Jamie. I don’t care. I – need – a – drink. Waiter.” The front door opened, and out popped a familiar face.
“I know you dudes,” said Pizza Guy.
“Oh, no,” said Nick.
“Don’t tell me you’re our waiter,” said Benny.
“Okay, dude. I won’t tell you, but, like, I am.”
“I thought you just delivered pizza,” said Nick.
Pizza Guy smiled. “No way, dude. Like, this gig pays the rent, pizza gig pays the bills, and my band is going to make me rich.”
Nick asked, “You’re in a band?”
“Yeah, dude. I’m like the drummer in this little alternative band we got started up. But, you know, we like practice ten hours a day and were sounding like the total shit.”
“You say you sound like shit?” asked Benny.
Nick had to explain to Benny. “It’s an expression meaning real good.”
“Oh, I see,” said Benny. “When do you sleep?”
“No time for sleep, dude. This is the city and, like, don’t let it catch you sleeping or you’ll be like, not here.”
“Well, while you’re here getting high on life, can you get me a double bourbon?” asked Nick.
“Ixnay on the alcohol, dude. We don’t serve that here.”
Nick was disappointed. “Bummers. Okay, how about bringing me a triple chocolate espresso, extra sugar, with a double shot of chocolate syrup. Make that two. What do you want, Benny?”
“That’s really going to calm you down.” Benny turned to Pizza Guy. “Water will be fine.”
“Dude, like you’ll be buzzing ‘till the middle of next week. Okay, two triple chocolate espressos, extra sugar, double shot of chocolate syrup in each, and water. Coming right up.” He started to leave, but turned around, “Oh yeah, dude. Like, I just saw that chick that was outside your apartment the other day. She passed right in front here in a really nice car about five minutes ago. She looked really pissed-off. But, dude, she still looked babe – o – licious.” He turned away.
“What girl was he talking about?” asked Benny.
Nick shook his head. “This could possibly be the worst day of my life.” He looked over Benny’s shoulder and saw Andie, Debbie, and Harold walk around the corner toward the next table. “Correction – this is the worst day of my life.”
Andie noticed them first. “Nick, Benny, what are you two doing here?”
“Waiting for Satan,” said Nick.
Benny turned around and saw them. “Oh, hi. We’re having our business meeting with Jamie O’Malley here” He looked at Harold. “I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” said Andie. “Benny, this is Harold Rogers, Debbie’s new boss. Harold, this is Benny Myers and Nicholas Peltier, two dear friends of mine.”
Harold shook Benny’s hand. “Nice to meet you.”
He then shook Nick’s hand. “Pel – tee – ay. That’s Acadian French, isn’t it?”
“Rogers. That’s Nazi German, isn’t it?” asked Nick.
“Actually, it’s English. Nice to meet you, too.”
“Don’t let us disturb you,” said Andie. “We’re having a little business lunch, ourselves.”
Debbie looked at Nick. “Small world, isn’t it?” She was trying to get a rise out of Nick.
“Not quite small enough,” said Nick. They all sat down and Benny saw a redheaded lady walking up towards them from behind Nick. “Don’t look now, Nick, but I think she’s here.”
Nick took a deep breath and turned around - it was Jamie.
The Devil's in My Bathroom Page 18