CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX: All Hell Breaks Loose
“Thank you for calling the offices of Wainwright and Jenson,” said Beth, the pixie-haired receptionist. “How may I direct your call?”
“You need to answer ‘how may I help you,’” said Andie.
“I beg your pardon?” asked Beth.
“It’s me, Ms. Jenson,” said Andie.
“Oh, I really beg your pardon, ma’am. How may I help you?”
“I just want to make sure you direct all my calls to Mr. Wainwright. I’m taking the day off.”
“Oh, that’s right. This is the big weekend.”
“Right. We’re leaving this evening. Don’t try to reach me. I’ll be unavailable.”
“Yes, Ms. Jenson. You have a wonderful time.”
“Thank you, Beth,” said Andie. She hung up and looked down at her leg. A little five-year-old girl was clinging to it. “What are you doing, Anna?”
“Mommy, why are you and Daddy leaving us?” asked the little longhaired brunette, who was clutching the tattered Atticus Finch with all her might.
“This is your daddy’s big weekend. Grandpa Phil will be staying here with you.”
“Can you take Joey with you?”
“Of course not. Why would you want us to take your little brother away from you?”
“Because I hate him.”
“She sounds just like you did seven years ago,” said Nick, who just walked into the living room, carrying their three-year-old son, Joey.
“I love you, Anna,” said little Joey, to his sister.
“Mommy, Joey is being mean to me again.”
“Why? Just because he told you he loves you?”
“Yes. I can’t be mad at him when he says that.”
“I see you’re learning the secret,” said Nick.
“That’s because you tell Mommy you love her all the time,” said Anna.
“I love you, Anna,” said little Joey.
“Okay, Joey, don’t overdo it,” said Andie.
“I love you, mommy.”
“Okay, you can never overdo that,” said Andie.
“What time does our plane leave?” asked Nick.
“Six o’clock. We can’t be late.”
“Don’t worry, sweetie. Oh yeah, Phil asked Mr. Levon and his wife over to watch the show with him over here. I hope that’s not a problem?” asked Nick.
“As long as I don’t have to be here, it’s no problem.”
“You still don’t like that woman, do you?”
“I know she’s Mr. Levon’s wife, but I will always remember her as Ursula Vanderhousen,” said Andie.
“Fair enough,” said Nick. The doorbell rang. “There’s Phil now.”
Joey and Anna ran to the door and jumped into Phil’s arms.
“How are my two favorite grandkids?” asked Phil.
“We’re you’re only two grandkids,” said Anna.
“And you’re the best two kids on this whole planet,” said Phil.
“It’s good to see how much they love you,” said Nick.
“I’ll never be able to thank you enough for letting me be a part of their lives.”
“Hey, no problem. I figured why not let them experience all the things I missed.”
“I’m so sorry,” said Phil.
“You don’t have to keep saying that, Phil. I forgive you.”
“You think you could ever call me Dad?”
“Don’t count on it. I don’t forgive you that much.” Nick patted Phil on the back.
“I understand. Oh, I got something for Andie – free tickets for the Chippendales. They’re coming to town in a couple of weeks.”
“Where in the world did you get free tickets?” asked an excited Andie.
“My friend, Gerome, is one of the dancers. He sent them to me.”
“Gerome Elderberry?” asked Nick
“Yeah, but he goes by the name of Steel – Steel Dagger.”
“You just never know,” replied Nick.
“Hey, Daddy, can we stay up late and watch Auntie Julie’s show tonight?” asked Anna.
“If Grandpa Phil lets you stay up that late, you can watch Songbird.”
“You let her watch a show about a martial arts lounge singing detective?” asked Phil.
“Hey, it’s her Auntie Julie. Besides, it’s a rerun. I saw it. It’s relatively safe for the kids to watch.”
“But if Auntie Julie is on TV, how can she go with you, Mommy and Uncle Benny?” asked Anna.
“The show’s been taped, sweetheart, just like Daddy does at his job. I record things so people can listen to it over and over. Auntie Julie will be with us, along with Auntie Debbie and Uncle Tony, said Nick.”
“Is Uncle Robert and Auntie Ursula coming over?”
“Yes, sweetheart. They’ll be here to watch the show with y’all.”
“I don’t like Auntie Ursula. She’s a bitch.”
Andie came running into the living room. She grabbed Anna and sent her to play with Andrew.
“I have no idea where she learned to talk like that,” said an embarrassed Andie.
“And when we come back from our trip, we’re all going to visit your great-grandfather and great-grandmother in Florida,” said Nick. Nick had hired Elderberry to track down Annabelle in Chicago a few years earlier. Her husband had died so she and Augustus were finally able to be together. They moved to a retirement community in Destin, Florida.
“How come we have so many people in our family?” asked Anna.
“You can never have too many people in a family,” said Nick.
Two nights later, Nick and Andie were in their seats – along with Benny, Julie, Debbie, and Tony. Several other familiar faces were seated directly behind of them. In anticipation, they all waited for the announcement…
“And the Oscar for best original soundtrack goes to…. Nicholas Peltier for When Darkness Follows.”
Andie grabbed Nick’s face and planted a huge kiss on his lips. He trotted to the stage and grabbed the Oscar.
“Wow, this is not what I expected,” said Nick. “I guess this is where I thank everybody. Okay, first of all, I want to thank all the fantastic musicians who worked on the soundtrack. Barry Washington, the sax man – Sammy Kingston, best blues guitarist I’ve ever worked with, Roshondi Motabi, strangest drummer I’ve ever worked with, Chaz Reed, the acoustic guitar master, and of course Shana D’Angelo, the lovely lady who provided the piano and the sultry vocals. I also want to send a quick thanks to U. S. Attorney General O’Malley. She inspired me in so many ways and will always have a special place in my heart. I thank my two wonderful kids, Anna and Joey, who are probably giving my dad hell right now – there, I said it, Dad. And mostly, I want to thank my beautiful wife, Andrea. First, I want to apologize to her. I really did like Forrest Gump. I saw an advanced screening at the label before we saw the preview together that night. I only told you that because I saw the way you look at Tom Hanks every time he’s on the screen. I was jealous.” He pointed out Tom Hanks in the audience. “With all due respect, Mr. Hanks, try to be less charming around my wife.”
The camera quickly panned to Tom Hanks, who was doubling over with laughter. A quick shot of Andie displayed her with tears of elation and embarrassment.
As all eyes turned back to Nick, he exclaimed, “Andie, as cheesy as this sounds, you’re the one who helped me find love – in the nick of time. I love you with every inch of my screwed-up being. Thank you.”
Andie sat in her chair shedding more tears of joy. Moments later, another announcement was made…
“And the award for best original song goes to… To Hell and Back, from When Darkness Follows, The Cramping Violets with Nicholas Peltier – writers.”
Nick returned to the stage with Dylan, Dustin and Wesley. Dylan took the award from the presenter and grabbed the microphone.
“This is bad, man, like, you know, bad like good, not bad – you know what I’m saying,” rambled Dylan. “I want to thank my man Nick here, for hel
ping us write this bad boy – all the folks at Apocalypse Records for keeping us on for seven years, and Julie Templeton for being in all our videos. You rock, Julie. And one more thing – we just lost our last drummer to Buddhism, so if any of you dudes out there want to jam with us, auditions are after the show. Peace.”
The crowd applauded and waited anxiously for the next presentation.
“And the Oscar for best Actress in a major role, goes to…Deborah Satanelli for her role in When Darkness Follows.”
Tony helped Debbie out of her seat. She kissed Tony passionately for what seemed like minutes before Andie grabbed her and shoved her towards the stage. Debbie clutched the Oscar.
“Oh – my – God. This is unbelievable.” She started crying. “I want to thank everybody I know, but I don’t think they’ll let me stay up here for that long, so let me just say thanks to Apocolypse Pictures; Nick Peltier for making this story come to life; his wife, Andie, for being my best friend; Benny Myers for putting this all together, his wife, Julie Templeton, for putting Benny all together; Lucille, Chaz, Kat, Raul, those crazy Cramping Violet guys; oh and Mom and Dad. Last but certainly not least - Tony, sweetheart, this is for you. You’re my horny little devil and I love you so, so much. You better give me more than five minutes tonight. Thank you!”
The crowd burst into laughter. Debbie covered her face, realizing what she just said. She walked off the stage then turned back to blow a little kiss to the audience. After an intermission, the next award was announced.
“And the Oscar for best director goes to…Ben Myers for When Darkness Follows.”
Benny started jumping up and down while hugging Julie. The back of his heel got caught on her dress, causing it to slip off her shoulder, exposing one of her breasts for a split second.
“Look, Grandpa, Auntie Julie has one of her boobies on TV,” said little Anna, who was watching the telecast from home. The operator of the networks five-second delay was having a sneezing spell. At least that’s what he later told the FCC.
“That Benny is a lucky man,” said Mr. Levon, who was sitting on the couch next to his wife. Ursula slapped him.
“See, Grandpa, I told you Auntie Ursula was a bitch,” said little Anna to Phil.
Benny ran to the stage, grabbed the Oscar with both hands, and started his speech.
“This is super. If I knew directing a movie was this much fun, I would have done it years ago. I need to thank some special people. First, I’d like to thank Robert Levon, who started Apocalypse Records with a dream and two hundred bucks. With the help of Lucille Fernelli, he started Apocalypse Pictures and let me direct this movie. Any man crazy enough to do that deserves more than I could give back.”
“Did you hear what that little girl said about me?” Ursula asked Mr. Levon.
“Damn it, Ursula, shut up. Benny’s is thanking me on national television.”
“But Anna just called me a…”
“Bitch. Yeah, I heard. And you know what? I think she’s right.”
“I must thank Mayor Dennis Wilcox of New Lake City, for allowing us to film in the beautiful town we all call home. Oh, I have to congratulate Kat Barrett, who won the Oscar for best art direction earlier – no hard feelings Kat. I’d really like to thank Nick Peltier for being my best friend,” said the gleaming Benny. “Nick, you rattled every nerve I ever had and kept me on my toes. Thank you, buddy. And last but certainly not least – I thank my beautiful wife, Julie. Julie, you are my personal songbird. The nation may have fell in love with the BreastMaster girl and a martial arts lounge singing detective, but I’m the one who fell in love with you. I love you so much. Thank you, everybody.”
Julie was sitting next to Andie. She started crying along with Andie. The tension was mounting as the final award was about to be presented.
“And the Oscar for best picture goes to… When Darkness Follows, Lucille Fernelli, executive producer.”
Lucille, appearing younger and more beautiful than before, gracefully walked to the stage from her seat in the second row. Halfway there, she turned and made a gesture for Nick, Debbie, and Benny to join her on stage. They enthusiastically accepted her request.
“It is a tremendous honor to accept this award on behalf of the extraordinary cast and crew who created this film,” Lucille said, proudly. “I would love to thank everyone individually, but only one name will be mentioned. He is a man who had nothing to do with the actual making of this movie, but had everything to do with it. He is sitting right over there. Stand up and take a bow, Antonio Satanelli.”
Tony was shocked. He reluctantly stood up and blew a kiss in the direction of Lucille.
“Antonio’s love for his friends is the reason we are all standing here tonight. I have been associated with him for many years. He has done many unselfish deeds for me. When asked what could be done for him in return, his reply was that he wished his friends to be showered with happiness. Judging from the success of this film, I’d say his wish has come true. Antonio, we’ve all had one hell of a good time and we owe it all to you. Grazie.”
Tony was in his seat in tears. He leaned over to hug Andie as he watched Debbie, Nick, and Benny enjoying the limelight.
“Tomorrow, Andie, I can return to my job at the 7-Eleven, knowing I have made a difference in this world.”
“You’re not staying in town for the parties and interviews?” asked Andie, trying to be heard above the thunderous applause.
“Oh, no. That is Deborah’s job. Mine is to go back home and make it as happy and joyful a place as possible.”
“Tony, you have a Doctorate in Theology, a masters in art, and PHD in business. Why are you still working at that 7-Eleven?”
“It is the work I love doing, my dear friend.”
“Well, if that’s what makes you happy.”
“Oh, I think I failed to mention that I own the entire chain now,” Tony said, with a smile.
The parties in Hollywood that night were in full swing. Nick, Andie, Debbie, Benny, and Julie were at the Apocalypse Studio party. The liquor was flowing freely. Nick, not used to drinking anymore, was getting quite buzzed. He excused himself to go to the bathroom. As he walked into the foyer, a valet promptly handed Nick a towel.
“Congratulations, Mr. Peltier,” said the dapper attendant.
“Thanks, but please, call me Nick.” He was looking for some kind of nametag on the gentleman’s lapel.
“Just call me Bart, sir.”
Nick smiled. “Okay, thank you, Bart.” He walked into the adjoining room. I’ve seen this guy before somewhere, he thought. After relieving himself, he washed his hands and reached for his towel. He slipped on a water puddle and fell. When he opened his eyes, he heard a familiar voice.
“Hello, Nicholas,” said the voice.
“Is that you, Satan?” asked Nick.
“Maybe, who do you want me to be?”
“Oh, no. We’re not going through that again.”
“I am disappointed in you, Nicholas.”
“Well, I’m not the least bit sorry for that.”
“You showed so much promise. You were so lost and confused. I thought I had you many years ago.”
“Looks like you lost, dipshit.”
“Oh, you think so? You better look back at how you came to be here tonight.”
“What do you mean?”
“You think Tony is a good person, don’t you?”
“I’m sure of it.”
“Well, you weren’t so sure of it seven years ago.”
“I wasn’t sure of anything seven years ago.”
“I thought you figured it out, but apparently you haven’t. It’s time that I tell you this – Tony works for me. I own your soul.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that your soul is mine. You made a deal with him. You have just experienced the joy of great success. Now, it is time for me to collect what is rightfully mine.”
“Wait a second, man, I didn’t make a deal with Tony. I worked o
n the movie Lucille Fernelli produced.”
“But Tony made a deal with Lucille Fernelli.”
“What does that have to do with me?”
“You are so thick headed. I am Lucille Fernelli.”
Nick rubbed his eyes. As he squinted, he could see the image of Lucille Fernelli coming into focus. She was wearing the same sexy, low-cut black gown as earlier that evening. She was also wearing dark sunglasses.
“I knew it. And to think I almost had sex with you.”
“You don’t seem frightened.”
“I don’t have any reason to be anymore.”
“You people from New Lake City are so foolish.”
“If we’re so foolish, as you claim, how come you never took over our city?”
“I almost had it seven years ago. That damn spirit of Martin Ratzenburger took out six of my hopefuls – all in one night – at my creek. Carlos Verona, Gary Bell, Harold Rogers, Jamie Dumbrowski, and your own Uncle Dave – not to mention Frankie Deville. He was my great, great, great, grand nephew. I was never fruitful in creating a worthwhile lineage. That kind of upset me. I had to take out Peter Grimes myself. He was useless”
“Well, that’s too bad. You still don’t own me.”
“But I have the rights to it. It’s legally mine.”
“Do you have the papers to prove it?”
“Uh, no, but…”
“Well, no buts. The matter is closed. If you don’t have the documents, no deal was made.”
“But Tony made a deal with me for you. We had a verbal agreement.”
“Did I sign any documents?”
“Well, no, but it’s still a binding contract in my book.”
“Sorry to disappoint you, you old sucker of souls. If I didn’t sign anything regarding the sale of property – the property in question being my soul – then you have no legal rights to it. I haven’t been married to a lawyer for seven years without learning anything. You can’t have my soul. It belongs to my wife, my kids, and God.”
“Why did you have to bring up His name?”
“I know how much you dislike Him.”
“It’s not that I dislike God. It’s just that my job is to take people away from Him. People like you make my job much harder.”
“I have a feeling that Tony will make it rough for you, too.”
“How is that?”
“He told me this morning about owning the entire 7-Eleven chain now. He said that he’s going to cut all the prices in half.”
“He wouldn’t.”
“Like hell, he would.”
“I do not like the way this deal is turning out. I had less trouble in my last incarnation, when I was a man.”
“You were a man?”
“I took this form to get a better hold over men. You are such idiots.”
“Who were you?”
“I was Ivan Mephesto Deville. That somewhat human depiction of myself didn’t quite work out the way I would have liked. I had sired a son soon after I killed Bartholomew Rollins and that lineage ended with Frankie. I had some unfinished business with New Lake City, so I decided to take it over.”
“Looks like you did a great job.”
“You are such a smartass, Nicholas.”
“Well, I’d like to say it’s been nice talking to you, Satan Lucille Deville, but I would be lying. I know how much you love lies so I won’t give you the satisfaction.”
“Aren’t you going to thank me first?”
“Why would I thank you?”
“I’m the one who told you to follow your heart. I told you that I didn’t control you. I convinced you to go after Andie.”
“Don’t flatter yourself. I would have come to that conclusion on my own.”
“You seem so sure of yourself.”
“I am.”
“Well, it looks like I won’t be visiting you anymore. I’m tired of this silly game. I’ll just take your soul the old fashioned way.”
A hot swirling wind abruptly overtook the bathroom. Horns started sprouting from the top of Lucille’s head. The sunglass flew away to reveal a pair of blood red, sinister eyes. Her body grew double in size. The walls caught fire. The toilets overflowed fecal matter and the faucets spewed red ooze. The temperature rose feverishly. She reached behind her and swung around what Nick thought would be a pitchfork. To his astonishment, it was his 1972 Stratocaster guitar - the one signed by Jimi Hendrix. Lucille let out a vicious scream and was just about to smash Nick with his own precious instrument.
Suddenly, the door opened, and before Nick could blink an eye, Bart rushed in and cut Lucille’s head off with one mighty swing of his oversized machete. An ocean of blood splattered the white tile walls of the burning bathroom.
“I’ve been waiting a long time for that,” said Bart.
Nick was flabbergasted. “What in the hell just happened?” he yelled, as he wiped the blood away from his disbelieving eyes.
“Maybe I should have told you my full name, Nick. I’m Bartholomew Rollins. I’ve been following you around the country for seven years waiting for this moment. I was just getting a little payback.” He started laughing. “Thank you, Nicholas Peltier!” He waved his arms up and a cold twisting wind took over the bathroom, knocking Nick to the floor. When he got up, he opened his eyes and saw an empty bathroom. He opened to door to the foyer and saw that Bart was no longer there.
He went back in to wipe his face. Looking into the mirror, he noticed that all of the blood was gone. The toilets were clean and the faucets were still. There was no physical evidence of what had just occurred - except for the guitar, which lay unscathed in the middle of the bathroom. He heard a voice.
“Well, that’s just great,” said the ominous voice. “Now I’m going to have to start over from scratch.”
“That’s okay with me,” said a quickly composed Nick. For the first time, he was fully awake and completely conscious while having a bathroom conversation with the devil.
“That’s a rude thing to say. You know that you’ll be the first one I come after.”
“I don’t think so,” said Nick, as he started to walk out the bathroom. He had had his fill of Satan for one lifetime.
“What? You’re not going to even tell me good-bye?”
“Nope.”
“I don’t like you anymore.”
“That’s comforting.”
“So, I just made you feel better.”
“Oh, no. You’re not going to twist my words around this time. Get the hell out my bathroom.”
“But it’s not your bathroom.”
“I don’t care – and another thing – stay away from my friends and family.”
“Oh yeah? What will you do to me if I don’t?”
Nick stopped and sported an evil smile that intimidated old Satan himself.
“I’ll come down there and play Love Blender over and over,” said Nick.
“You wouldn’t.”
“Like hell, I would.”
“Okay, Nicholas. You win.”
“Damn right, I do,” he said, with a smile. He grabbed the guitar and strummed a powerful G chord. Even unplugged, the chord profoundly resonated throughout the bathroom. He started singing, as he walked out the bathroom - “Love Blender, I hate you.”
###
About the Author
Eddie Latiolais currently lives in Baton Rouge, LA with his wife, Shana, and daughter, Anna. This is his first novel, which was over twenty years in the making. A thirty-year veteran of the optical industry, he looks forward to writing his next novel - a dark and humorous novel titled “Optical Delusions.” Hopefully, it won’t take as long to write.
Thank you for reading my book. If you enjoyed it, won’t you please take a moment to leave me a review at your favorite retailer?
Thanks,
Eddie Latiolais
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The Devil's in My Bathroom Page 68