by Matt Haig
Uncle Alan once wanted to give Dad some money to get half of the Castle but Dad said No and Mum and Dad rowed and Mum smashed the blue and white salad bowl they got on holiday in Majorca. That was the holiday we went in a Glass Bottom Boat and saw the fish under water.
Mum looked in the mirror in the car and said I wont be a minute Philip.
I was scared of Mum seeing Uncle Alan because he was a murderer but I tried to act normal like Dads Ghost told me and I said to Mum OK.
Mum likes Uncle Alan because he is a Charmer. A Charmer is a type of man that women like and it is men who look in womens eyes and smile with only one half of their mouth normally the right side. A Charmer is normally divorced and Uncle Alan is divorced to a woman called Trisha who isnt murdered. Trisha lives in Devon and Mum says she takes painkillers even when she doesnt have a headache.
Uncle Alan wears a blue uniform and he always has black on his hands from the cars and he is 50 which is older than Dad but he is bigger than Dad because Dad was only medium.
I watched and could see Uncle Alan giving Mum something and I saw another man in a tracksuit who was bent inside an engine.
Mum came out of the Garage after six minutes not one minute and on the way back she gave me the money for Hadrians Wall at the Traffic Lights and she didnt tell me it was from Uncle Alan but I knew it was and I hoped that Dads Ghost wasnt watching me.
Hadrians Wall
Mrs Fell said Many Romans believed that Hadrians Wall was near the end of the world because in those days everybody thought the world was flat and if you went too far you would fall off the edge and die.
Then she said Where you are standing now was the most northern part of the Roman Empire and so it was a very scary place for a lot of the soldiers who worked here.
It was cold and the wind was making whistle sounds like our coats were musical instruments and I think everyone wanted to go back and get warm even Mrs Fell who had an orange coat that said QUIKSILVER but Charlotte Ward had her hand up.
Mrs Fell said Yes Charlotte.
And Charlotte said Were all the soldiers from England or were they from Rome?
Mrs Fells collar on her coat flapped in her face and she put it back and said Most of them came from outside Britain not always Rome but warmer places in the southern parts of the Empire. Imagine what it must have been like! After years spent in warm sunshine having to cross the rough English Channel to a country which was known to be very unfriendly. There was not only the bad weather and the hills but many Britons hated being part of the Roman Empire and would throw stones or vegetables or even spit on the new soldiers.
Right then I felt someone gob on the back of my neck and I touched it with my hand and turned round and saw Dominic Weekly and Jordan Harper laughing at me through closed mouths. Mrs Fell couldnt see them laughing but she could see me turning round.
She said in a soft voice that was very small and quiet in the wind Philip is something the matter?
I said No Miss.
Her curly hair was blowing across her face and she pulled it behind her ears and then she carried on talking.
Dominic said Helmet hows your dad?
Jordan giggled behind me and Dominic kept saying it dead quiet.
Hows your dad?
Hows your dad?
Hows your dad?
Hows your dad?
Mrs Fell said And the soldiers knew that over this wall was not only the end of the world but also some of the most violent tribes they had ever heard of.
I wiped my hand on my jeans and then Charlotte Ward said How long was it Miss?
Hows your dad?
Hows your dad?
Hows your dad?
Hows your dad?
Mrs Fell said The wall went right across the country from east to west and it was 80 miles long and it was 15 feet high which is three times the height of me.
Hows your dad?
Hows your dad?
Hows your dad?
Hows your dad?
Mrs Fell said Dominic is there something you want to share with us?
Dominic said No Miss.
Jordan giggled a fart out of his mouth.
Then Mrs Fell said Where we are now was one of the watch towers. Can you see the stones in the ground curve round? These watch towers were used to send signals up and down the wall if any invaders were coming. Most of the time though the soldiers were not fighting. Most of the time they did more boring jobs like working on repairs or checking who was passing through. Like when you go on holiday and have to show your passport! There were villages nearby and places where the soldiers could eat and drink but it still must have been very hard for them coming to this harsh world away from their families to start again.
this
harsh
world
Charlotte said Would they ever see their families again?
Mrs Fell said Sometimes they saw them again but they had to serve 25 years in the army and after that some stayed here and some went home but Roman men on average lived until they were 41 and they didnt finish their service until they were at least 43 because the earliest age to join the Roman army was 18 so many of them didnt get the chance to see their families again Charlotte.
And she carried on talking but I wasnt looking I was thinking that 41 was the age Dad was when he died and I thought that was weird.
Where we stayed was in a youth hostel and it was in the middle of nowhere and there were three buildings. One of the buildings was big and that was the main building and that is where we ate. And in that building we had mashed potato which was served out of the biggest pan ever and it tasted DISGUSTING and it had lumps in.
I sat on the table with the Teachers and Mr Rosen said All right Philip?
And I said Yes.
And there were two more buildings and one was nice and it was where the girls slept and some of the boys but the other one was horrible and made out of dark brown wood and it used to be a stables where they used to keep horses and there were eight beds in it and they were bunk beds.
Mrs Fell and Mr Rosen told everyone where they were sleeping and I was sleeping in the stables and I had to sleep above Dominic Weekly. And I couldnt get to sleep for ages and ages and my mind kept moving really fast and I kept seeing different things flashing like photos in my brain. I kept on seeing the circle of stones on the ground and different other things like the field of cows which we passed on the way in the mini bus. And then I kept thinking of Dad and wondered if he was with the Dead Fathers Club or if he was off in the Terrors. I worried about Mum and I hoped Uncle Alan wasnt there and I hoped he wouldnt hurt her.
And then I started to go to sleep but it wasnt like a real sleep. It was somewhere in the middle of being asleep and being awake and after a bit I heard myself talking and I was talking rubbish and very fast and what I was saying was
kelhamisinnewarkkelhamisinnewarkkelhamisinnewark which is a stupid thing to say anyway because Kelham is not in Newark it is two miles away where Dad died. But I was getting louder and even though I could hear myself I couldnt stop because I wasnt properly awake and then I heard really loud laughing and it was Dominic and I woke up then and I was scared because he had heard and he started saying
kelhamisinnewarkkelhamisinnewarkkelhamisinnewark and then other boys were laughing in the dark and there was nothing else in the UNIVERSE just the laughing.
Dominic said Helmets gone Skitso.
Jordan said Skitso Skitso Skitso.
But that wasnt the end because my eyes were heavy even though my brain was moving fast and I went back to sleep but bad sleep and I had nightmares but I dont know what about and when I woke up I was standing on the wooden floor and the window was smashed and there was blood on my hands and I was screaming something and the light was on and the next thing Mr Rosen was holding my shoulders and saying Its all right Philip its all right calm down and I looked round at the faces and all their eyes were scared even Dominic and all the eyes added up and added up inside me and mad
e my legs weak and I fell onto the floor and there was blackness again.
The Disco
The next day Mrs Fell asked me if I wanted to go home. She said she had phoned Mum and Mum was worried but she was leaving it up to Mrs Fell and me.
I said Did Mum want me to come home?
Mrs Fell said with her feather voice and pretty eyes She said if you want to go home you can.
And I wondered if that meant Mum did want me to go home or not.
Mrs Fell said You wont have to sleep in the stables tonight. You can sleep in the other building with Mr Rosen.
And I thought about this and I thought about what would happen if I went home and then went back to school. And I thought about the Roman legionary soldiers going for 25 years without going home and I looked at my hand with the plasters on and the two brown circles of blood like eyes and I thought of Dads Ghost telling me to act normal.
I said to Mrs Fell I will stay.
Mrs Fell smiled at me and touched my shoulder which I liked and she said Well done.
And then she walked away towards the mini bus and her curly hair was blowing sideways.
When I went to join the other boys no one spoke to me apart from Dominic and he kept on calling me Skitso and asking me Where is Kelham?
On one of the mini buses I sat on the front seat next to Mr Rosen who is the Deputy Head and who teaches Geography and Games.
Mr Rosen is a nice Teacher with hairy hands and a good watch but he is strict. He sometimes shouts and gets a big neck like the Incredible Hulk but his neck goes red and a bit blue but not green and when he shouts little bits of spit jump out of his mouth like they are scared of his voice.
But he was being very nice to me and saying There is no shame in walking in your sleep Philip.
He told me about when he was my age and he walked in his sleep into his sisters bedroom and picked up a book and waited by her bed. He said I was dreaming I was in a library.
I laughed but I knew really it wasnt as bad as smashing a window and I think he knew as well.
And then Mr Rosen went quiet and I looked out of the window and there were drops of rain on the glass like little worlds and outside there was grass and rocks and sheep and it was all hills and I wondered if Dads Ghost was here he would be able to see all the ghosts of murdered Romans. And I wondered if Emperor Hadrian was murdered and if he ever comes back to see what is left of the wall and if he gets sad when he sees just lumps of stone in the ground with grass growing over them and a few people walking with maps and looking at them and wanting to go home.
We went to a place with other Roman buildings and they were built in 130 AD which was eight years after when they started building Hadrians Wall which was 122 AD.
We had plans of the buildings and there were kitchens and toilets and bedrooms but you couldnt tell that from the stones in the ground only from the plans. And Mrs Fell and Mr Rosen were talking all about it but I wasnt really listening I was feeling weird like my body was just air and nothing was real and my heart wasnt beating like normal. It wasnt going beatbeat beatbeat beatbeat it was going beat beatbeat beat beatbeatbeat for a little bit which made me think I was going to die but then it stopped doing it so I didnt tell anyone.
At the meal there was black beefburgers which were thin and chewy like shoes and more mashed potato from the big POT.
And then there was a disco which was really just Mrs Fells CD player she had brought from home. She played some music and it was Beyonce and all the girls danced but none of the boys danced except where there was rapping. And Mr Rosen danced like Dad used to which was like a bird which couldnt fly but Mrs Fell could dance well and she was wearing Make Up and green round her eyes which sounds weird but it was nice. I must have been looking a long time because she saw me looking and she waved her arms for me to come and dance and she was dancing with Charlotte Ward and a circle of girls and Mr Rosen so I didnt want to come. But Mrs Fell never stops so she came over and took my hand and pulled me up to dance and Jordan was giggling at me and the giggle spread out like fire to Dominic and even Siraj who used to be my friend before Dad died.
Mrs Fell said Come on Philip. Come and dance.
I said I I I
Mrs Fell said Come on.
And then all the boys were laughing but Mrs Fell couldnt hear and she took me to the circle of girls dancing and my heart started going funny again. I danced but I didnt want to because it was a girl song about boys and all the boys were staring at me and nudging and my face was burning HOT.
Mrs Fell was only being nice because she thought I was on my own but sometimes being nice is as bad as being horrible. And so I danced without moving very much just my arms a little bit and it was bad and I just kept seeing the faces of everyone and Mr Rosen was flapping his wings and smiling at me and I wished he was cross with me and didnt give me special treatment.
Mr Rosen said All right Philip?
I said Yes.
And after 100 minutes the song ended and I sat down near the boys but not with them. A song came on which I used to like before Dad died and it sounded horrible and stupid now like robots. And when it was on Dominic and Jamie Western and Jordan did a press up competition and Dominic won.
I looked at Mrs Fell and I think I had upset her because she was dancing the same but not smiling now and I felt bad for upsetting her.
After the Disco
After the disco it was bedtime and I went out and ran in the rain to the stables with Mr Rosen. Mr Rosen got my bag which was very HEAVY and we ran to the building where I was sleeping.
I was sleeping in the same room as Mr Rosen and Mrs Fell was in the next room. I heard her feet on the floor and I heard her take her clothes off. As soon as I was in bed I pretended to be asleep so I didnt have to talk to Mr Rosen but when he was getting ready I opened my eyes very very thin and I saw Mr Rosens back and it was hairy like Wolverine and I wondered if I was ever going to have a hairy back like that and I hoped so.
Mr Rosen put his clothes on a chair and he was very quiet trying not to wake me up even though I was not asleep and I thought he was nice for that and I watched him get into his bed and I thought Teachers are just normal people really.
And he went to sleep very quickly and he snored but not like a normal snore. It was like a door when it creaks open and I just listened to him go quiet creak quiet creak and I tried not to think bad things but it was very dark. It was so dark the blackness felt bright like when it is so quiet the quietness feels loud but it wasnt quiet because of the rain and the wind and Mr Rosen.
And then I waited for a long time. It might have been two hours or five minutes because in the dark time is different. And then Dads Ghost came and saw me.
Dads Ghost came through the door but the door was black so it looked like he came out of nothing just shapes like light that grew and made him.
He walked forward and he had his finger on his lips and his T shirt still said King of the CASTLE. And I wanted to ask him How did you get here? but his finger was telling me to be quiet because of Mr Rosen. But he must have seen the question on my face because he said Ray Goodwin told me how to fly.
And then he said Im here because of Mum.
I said What do you mean? Is it Uncle Alan?
And he put his finger to his lips and checked to see if Mr Rosen was still creaking and he was so he said Mum is going to be in a lot of trouble tonight.
Then he said You have to go and tell her to get out of the Pub because there is going to be trouble in four hours time. You have to phone her.
And before I had time to say I dont have a phone he said Mr Rosens phone is right there by his bed. You can take it and phone from the toilets. You have to phone and tell her to stay with Renuka.
I thought this was stupid because Mum wouldnt believe me anyway and I couldnt steal Mr Rosens phone but Dads Ghost said Mums life is in danger Philip. This is very important.
And he said life like LIFE and I thought if it was true I could lose Mum as well and I
preferred Dad when he was Dad not a ghost and I didnt want Mum to be a ghost so I pulled back my covers very quietly and tip toed to the place where Dads Ghost was pointing and I picked up the phone.
Mr Rosen stopped snoring and starting making eating sounds click click click.
I froze still and held my breath with the phone in my hand and waited for him to roll over and back to snoring sleep.
Then I followed Dads Ghost through the dark and tried to step on the floor every time Mr Rosen snored so he didnt hear me and I got to the door and opened it as small as possible because it was letting light get in and I slid through and shut it click.
And I went down the corridor and Dads Ghost was there and more pale now he was in the light. I tip toed past Mrs Fells room and where Charlotte Ward and all the girls were sleeping. The walls were white and the carpet was blue and like Brillo Pads under my feet. I went into the toilets and there was water on the floor and I hoped it was water on the floor and Dads Ghost said Philip youve got to call her. Youve got to tell her to get out of the Pub. Some people are going to come. Bad people.
I started to press the numbers 01636 and I asked Dad What should I say?
And he said Anything just make her get out.
I dialled the rest of the number 366520 and there was a click and my heart was going beatbeatbeat.
It started to ring and Dads Ghost said Whats happening?
And I said Its ringing.
And it rang three times and then there was another click and it was Mum sounding posh like when she talks to Teachers saying You have reached the Noble residence. No one is able to take your call at the moment. Please leave your message after the tone.
And there was a beeeep and I said Mum are you there? Mum its me are you there? Youve got to get out of the house because I know something is going to happen. Something really bad.