by Matt Haig
I said Im dying.
Mr Wormwood said Jesus boy. All right. Be quick.
I went to the door and opened it and closed it and Dad pointed to the store cupboard next to the classroom and he said Its open.
I said What?
He said Open it.
I said What?
He said Open it.
I said But
He said He forgot to lock it.
I looked through the window to see if anyone could see me but they were all looking at the flame.
Dads Ghost said This is your chance.
I said Chance?
He said To get what you need to kill Uncle Alan.
I said But
He said Youre not weakening on me?
I thought of him saving me from Dominic and Jordan yesterday and I said No.
He said Well then. Open the door. Ill keep an eye on your Teacher.
I opened the door and felt scared like when I got in the mini bus.
There were shelves and shelves and shelves and boxes and bottles and Dads Ghost looked inside and pointed to a small bottle of something that looked like water and he said Take that.
I looked at the label and it said
ETHANOL
WARNING: Poisonous/Flammable
I put the bottle in my pocket and I saw another small bottle full of something that looked like sugar and it said
METALLIC SODIUM
WARNING: Will explode on contact with water
I put that in my other pocket and Dads Ghost said Quick quick. Hes nearly finished the Experiment.
I saw a box that said MAGNESIUM GRANULES and it was too big to put in my pocket so I kept it in my hand and Dads Ghost said Quick quick quick!
I got out of the store cupboard and closed the door and I couldnt go back in the class and get my bag because Mr Worm-wood would see me with the box so I just ran down the corridor and kept on going until I was at the toilets. I hid until the bell went and no one came to check on me I dont know why.
Dads Ghost came and said to me Your bags still in the classroom.
I went out of the toilets and the corridor was quiet because everyone was at break. When I got to the classroom I went in and got my bag and put all the stuff in it and then I went out of the lab and checked the Science stock room but it was locked.
Ray Ray Goodwin
Later on I had another meeting with Mrs Fell and she was wearing a pink clip in her curly hair and a T shirt that was tight and she was smiling at me with her mouth but not with her eyes which were tired. I put my bag down gently so I didnt leak the poison or start the exploding powder.
Then when I sat down I told her Mums marrying Uncle Alan.
Her face kept smiling but her pupils changed and the black circles got bigger and nearly squeezed out all the green.
She said Oh.
I dont think she could think of what to say and then she said I see. Right.
And then she said And what do you FEEL about that Philip?
I said I dont know.
She said Do you like your uncle?
I gave a No with my head.
She said But surely you like to see your mother happy?
I lifted my shoulders one at a time and then I said I want to stop it.
She said You want to stop them getting married?
I said Yes.
I looked on her shelf and there was a picture of a man. It looked a bit like the man in the wheelchair I saw in the park but this man wasnt in a wheelchair.
Mrs Fell said If your mum wants to marry someone you have to let her Philip.
And then she said Why did you not go back to Mr Worm-woods Science lesson earlier today? He said that you took a very long time in the toilet.
Mrs Fell had a look in her face like she wanted to save me from something but the look made me want to save her from something and then she would see me not just as a boy and then she would ask me different questions.
She said My dad died you know Philip? Can you remember I told you?
I shook my head because I couldnt remember.
She said I still picture him walking out the door on the last day I saw him.
I said What was your dad?
She said He was a miner. A coal miner. He used to have to go deep underground and work in the dark.
She didnt say anything for a bit and then she told me about the Strikes when people didnt go to work because they didnt want the mines to close.
I said Was your dad on strike?
And she said Yes at first but my mum was very ill. My dad wanted to still work and earn money for better treatment for her. And people were cross with him in Ollerton which is where Im from because he broke the Strike.
I thought of the man in the wheelchair in the park near the castle and I thought of something else and I said What was your dads name?
And she said Ray Ray Goodwin.
It felt weird and my hands were wet and I didnt know what to say and the room went small round me.
Ray Ray Goodwin.
Ray Ray Goodwin.
And I knew it wasnt really Ray Ray Goodwin it was just Ray Goodwin. It was Ray Goodwin who was in the Dead Fathers Club but I had to check when he died.
She said 11 years ago.
I was going to tell her that Ray Goodwin tried to speak to her and I was going to tell her everything. But then I thought that Ray Goodwin was out of the No Time because he had passed more than one birthday and so he was for ever in the Terrors. So even if she believed in Ray Goodwins ghost it was too late to help him escape the Terrors and get Revenge.
She said Philip? Philip? Are you all right? Philip?
I said Yes.
And I thought if I told her she wouldnt believe me or she would feel sad for her dads ghost and I didnt want her to feel sad or to hate me so I stayed quiet.
She didnt say he died of murder but I knew she was thinking it because she closed her eyes and did a big breath and a swallow. And I thought I bet it was one of the miners who hated him but I didnt want to ask Mrs Fell because she might cry.
She said Its very hard when someone you love dies Philip. You feel like a bit of you has died as well. But you do get over it Philip. Eventually.
The bell went and Mrs Fell just looked at me with sad shoulders. I wanted her to hug me and to put my head in her warm boobs for ever. But that wasnt going to happen so I picked up my bag with my weapons in it and I went out.
The Changemaker
In the toilet at break I said to Dads Ghost about Mrs Fells Dad being Ray Goodwin and he said What did you tell her about the club?
I said Nothing.
He said Good. Good. Even if you told her she wouldnt believe you. Ray always talks about her but he gets upset because she cant see him.
I said Why can I see you and Mrs Fell cant see her dad?
I heard two boys come into the toilets so I made sure the door was locked and my hand went through Dads Ghost.
I said Sorry.
He said Its OK.
He said There are different types of ghosts. There are ghosts people can see and ghosts people cant see. And the ghosts people cant see try to learn special powers so they can influence the living.
I said What powers?
He said Rays a Changemaker.
I said Whats a Changemaker?
He said Some ghosts can change things among the living like change the wind.
I thought about the Morrisons carrier bag and the wind that blew Dominic and Jordan away.
I wondered if Uncle Alan could be blown away by the wind and I said Will you ever be able to do things like that?
Dads Ghost said Ray says all ghosts have the potential but I dont know. Ray gives classes at the club. I find it hard.
I said Oh.
He said Dont tell Mrs Fell anything Philip. You mustnt tell anyone anything. You do understand?
I said Yes.
And then I heard laughing outside the door because I was talking to myself and Dads Ghost faded into the Terrors and I k
ept the toilet door locked until the laughing boys disappeared.
I saw my bag on the ground and it was in a little puddle and I didnt want the things I took from the store cupboard to get wet because then they might explode. I put the bag on my back and lifted the seat and tried to have a wee but nothing came out.
The Murder of Gonzago
I had the poison and the granules and the explosives in my bag but before I killed Uncle Alan I had to definitely know for DEFINITE that it was him who did Dads brakes.
So I went to Players the video shop like Mum said and there were lots of DVDs to choose from. Lots were 18s and 15s and I couldnt get them out even though they looked better than the 12s and PGs and the Us but I wasnt looking for a good film because I didnt care about films any more. I was looking for a film that I knew Uncle Alan wouldnt like and so I looked at the backs to see the stories.
I was there for ages reading all the backs and then I got to a film called The Murder of Gonzago and it said on the cover
A BROTHER’S MURDER. A SON’S REVENGE
SET IN ITALY IN THE BLOOD-SOAKED DAYS BEFORE THE ROMAN REPUBLIC, THEMURDER OFGONZAGOTELLS THETHRILLING STORY OF DUKE FORTIMUS (JOAQUIN PHOENIX), WHO MURDERS HIS BROTHER, GONZAGO THE KING (ACADEMY AWARD WINNER MEL GIBSON), IN ORDER TO MARRY QUEEN LIVIA (ACADEMY AWARD WINNER CHARLIZE THERON), AND TAKE THE THRONE. IT IS THEN LEFT TO THE MURDERED KING’S ONLY SON, HONORARIUS, (TOBEY MAGUIRE—SPIDERMAN, SEABISCUIT) TO TAKE HIS VIOLENT REVENGE.
‘MY REVENGE WILL COME…’
And my hands started to shake because I thought this was how I could tell for DEFINITE that it was Uncle Alan who killed Dad because I would watch his face because he can never hide the signs on his face. I looked to see what it was and it was a 12 and I went to the counter and the man with boobs who was watching the small TV behind the counter beeped my card and said Back tomorrow by seven and I said OK and went home.
When I got to the Pub I went and put my weapons in a Hiding Place under my bed and then went into the kitchen. Renuka was there having a cup of coffee with Mum and she said Hello Philip.
I said Hello.
She said Ah like it was my first word and she looked at the DVD and said Is that a DVD?
I thought No its a jam sandwich but I didnt say that because I like Renuka really its just she thinks all children are two year olds so I said Yes. Its the Murder of Gonzago.
She said Right.
I said Its about a man who kills his brother.
Renuka said Right.
Mum looked at me funny as she blew her coffee and Renuka said to Mum Is that the one with Russell Crowe?
And Mum said I dont know.
Renuka said I love Russell Crowe. Him and whatshisface. The Irish one. With the nice bum.
Mum said Colin Farrell.
Renuka blew but not into her coffee just into the air and said Imagine both of them.
Then she laughed and said Sorry Philip cover your ears.
Renuka has a funny face. It is like an upside down triangle with big round eyes and a stick body and perfect skin like she is made by computers not by a mum and a dad. After her coffee she went downstairs and left her smell which is soap.
I said Wheres Uncle Alan?
Mum said Why?
I said I want to watch the film.
Mum said Hes still at the Garage. Hes got a lot of work on. Well watch the film later.
I said When are you getting married?
Mum looked into her cup and then she stood up and looked everywhere but not in my eyes and said I dont know Philip. We dont know yet.
I said Will it be before Dads Birthday?
The question hit her on the nose.
She said Philip please.
I said December the 10th.
She said in a cross voice I know perfectly well when Dads Birthday is. Was. Is.
Mums cross voice was catching and I said Do you know when his deathday is?
She said Philip
I said Do you know when it was? When he died? How many days? How many days?
Mum picked up the tea towel but there was nothing to dry.
I said Uncle Alan said two months but its less. Dads body wont be a skeleton yet. And he wont be a skeleton when you have the Wedding.
The second time I said skeleton Mum started crying into the tea towel and then I felt bad so I said Im sorry and I kept saying it until there were enough Im sorrys for her to stop.
It took nine.
Later we watched the film with Uncle Alan sitting in Dads chair with his glass of gold whisky in his dirty hands. He was just changed out of his blue uniform into his popper shirt and Mum had her legs up on the sofa drinking her DIET Lemonade and I got the controls and I pressed play.
The film started and there were lots of bits I didnt understand and then there was a bit with the Queen finding out the King is dead and the Queen said The only woman who would marry a second time is one who would kill her first husband.
I looked at Mum and she was still upset about me saying about Dads skeleton and so she didnt like the Queen saying that. It was like the words had a taste and she had to drink a bit of lemonade.
Then the film went back in time to when the King was living and his brother says I will trap my brother like a mouse.
I looked at Uncle Alans face and the shadows on his face changed like he was biting his teeth really hard and then it went to the best bit.
This was the bit when the King was sleeping on his own. His brother went in and poured poison in his ear like how Dad poured medicine into my ear to get rid of wax. I looked at Uncle Alan and his face went redder than normal and the shadows on his face started to shake like he was a volcano like in Pompeii about to burst with lava coming out of the top of his head but he wasnt a volcano so he just stood up and said Its too dark in here.
But it wasnt very dark because the little light was on near the TV but Uncle Alan said Lets have some light.
He switched the main lights on and then he sat down. But it was like the film was making his chair get really hot because he kept on standing up and doing things like pouring some more whisky. Then he looked out of the curtains at the car park and at the Bottle Banks and the Dead Fathers Club that he couldnt see and he said Its getting pretty busy I might go downstairs and give Carla a hand behind the bar.
He looked at the screen and it was the bit when the Queen married again even though she said she wouldnt.
Mum said Oh dont you want to watch the rest of the film?
He said Its not really my thing. You know. These costume ones. I like modern ones really. Or the old cowboy stuff.
Mum said Oh OK.
Then Uncle Alan went downstairs.
So he did it!! He fixed Dads car for DEFINITE! Dads Ghost isnt lying! He did it! His volcano face was proof. Definite total proof!!
In the last bit of the film the Kings son who was Spiderman killed all the new Kings soldiers and chopped off their heads.
Mum said Oh Philip its a bit violent. Are you sure its only a 12?
I said Yes.
Spiderman had a big fight with his uncle and didnt wait because he wasnt a wimp and he said Prepare to die.
They had their swords out and inside my head I was saying Go on kill him! Kill your uncle!
And he did. He killed his uncle and all the Kings men which were there to trap him. And in the end it was just him and his mum and she was not cross with him because she knew the King was bad.
And at the names at the end Dads Ghost flickered on behind the TV and he didnt say anything he just watched me and Mum and the words Mum said to try and make me like Uncle Alan.
Uncle Alan loved Dad. He loved him Philip.
I know you want it just to be me and you Philip. I know you do. But one day you will be all grown up and leave home and I will be on my own all old and wrinkly and no one will want me Philip. You wouldnt want that would you?
Uncle Alan isnt going to replace Dad. No ones going to replace him.
If Im going to look af
ter you Im going to need someone to look after me.
Hes a kind man. A very kind man. He might not be Brad Pitt but he cares about us Philip.
He wants to help Philip. Look what hes done for us with the Pub. He doesnt have to do all that does he? Does he? Does he? No he doesnt.
And Dads Ghost said Dont listen son. Dont listen.
So I didnt.
Slaves
The next morning I checked the poison and the explosives and the Magnesium were under the bed in their Hiding Place and then I had breakfast early and I went to school early.
Mrs Palefort the Head Teacher did an assembly about Freedom and Slavery and started talking about trainers and about Brand Names like Pepsi and Nike and Adidas and McDonalds and PlayStation and Reebok and KFC and Billabong and Walkers and she said The word branding came from when farmers used to burn marks into their cows to show they belonged to them.
She made her eyes look like iced buns inside her thick glasses and she said When you wear your Nike trainers to school you might think you are expressing your freedom but really you are showing the world that you are owned by that PARTICULAR company.
I thought about the Roman bakers who marked their bread and I thought about the Roman Slave owners who marked their Slaves when they tried to run away. And I thought that even if you never ever wore trainers or never ever turned into a cow or a loaf of bread you are not free because there is always something that is controlling you. There is the Cold Weather that says Put on a hat or the Teachers that say Go to assembly or the Police that say Dont steal from Boots or your Bladder that says Go to the toilet or Dads Ghost that says Kill Uncle Alan. You are never free because you are in your body and your body is a prison because you end up old and in pain like Nan and then you die. And your brain is a prison as well because you cannot switch off your thoughts and when you sleep you have bad dreams. And if you die it might still be like a prison because Dad is a ghost and he wants to escape being a ghost and just to be Nothing like before he was born. But he doesnt know if you can be Nothing again or if he will still be Something. No one knows for definite. Not even the Scientists like Mr Wormwood or the Religious People like Mr Fairview.