The Dead Fathers Club

by Matt Haig

  I was standing still in the car park now and I heard a Beep!

  It was Carla and her hoop earrings in her little white car with the headlights still on and she was frowning through the windscreen but not in a cross way.

  And I looked at her and I lifted my hand in a wave and I went over the tarmac to the back door and Uncle Alan was there in his dressing gown and his ENGLAND GLORY T shirt underneath but you could only see the AND and he said What you doing son?

  I said Er for ages.

  I said Er Er Er recycling.

  The real Uncle Alan inside the pretend Uncle Alan said in an angry voice What?

  I was scared but Carla was shutting her car door and coming over and this made the real Uncle Alan hide again and the pretend Uncle Alan smiled at Carla and her earrings and he said All right love.

  Carla said Hiya duck.

  She looked at me and my bare feet and Uncle Alan said Kids.

  Carla smiled and thought of Ross and Gary and said You dont have to tell me.

  And then there was a tinkle sound right next to my feet. A little bit of green glass had pinged out of the Bottle Bank. Uncle Alan looked at me and I lifted my shoulders.

  I went inside and upstairs and Mum was on the top of the stairs in her towel and she said Philip whats got into you? And what have you done with Uncle Alans Bath Salts?

  I said I dont know.

  She said What do you mean you dont know?

  I said I thought it was empty. I put it in the Bottle Bank.

  She said Philip why are you doing this to me?

  I said Im not doing anything.

  She said Why are you making it so hard? Is it because of your fish?

  Uncle Alan came up the stairs after speaking to Carla and Mum started sniffing up tears.

  Uncle Alan said to me Do you see what youre putting your mother through lad?

  The real me inside the pretend me came out and said Its your fault! Its all your fault!

  And I went into my room and shut my door and left Mum crying into Uncle Alans dressing gown.

  Daddy Long Legs

  Dad told me Daddy long legs which are crane flies are the most poisonous animals in the world but they never kill anyone because they cant poison anyone without teeth and they have no teeth. So if all the other animals pick on them and shout Oi long legs! they cant do anything. They can say Im very poisonous and it is true but the other animals wont believe them because they never poison anyone. They know they could kill and go up the FOOD CHAIN if they had teeth but they dont because God forgot. I dont know if this is true or not.

  Pocket Money

  Mrs Fell over Mrs Fell in love Mrs Fell down a cliff Mrs Fell a tree Mrs Fell tip pen was sitting in her chair and she said You can talk to me Philip. You can tell me anything.

  I said I know Miss.

  She said Anything at all.

  I said I know.

  She said Is there anything youd like to tell me?

  I said Like what?

  She said Like anything. Like what you are thinking right now.

  I was thinking about how Ray Goodwin was murdered so I said Im not thinking anything.

  She said How are you going to spend the weekend?

  I said I dont know.

  She said Are you going to do anything interesting?

  I lifted the question up on my shoulders.

  She said If you could do anything this weekend what would you like to do?

  I said I cant.

  She said Cant what.

  I said I cant do anything.

  She said I know. But if you could do anything. Anything at all. What would it be? How would you like to spend your time?

  Mrs Fell always says things like this. She is nice but she doesnt understand some things. She doesnt know that time is not like pocket money that you can spend because time is the person spending the pocket money and the pocket money is you.

  I said If I could do anything?

  She said Yes. If you could do anything in the world.

  I said Anything?

  She said Anything at all.

  I said Id go to Rhodes with my mum and dad.

  Her smile got more stretched on every word and then it snapped back when I said Dad.

  She said Yes Philip. Yes. All right. Yes. But your dad

  I said My dads dead.

  She said Yes Philip yes he is.

  I said And I cant bring him back.

  She closed her eyes and said in a soft voice No. No Philip Im afraid you cant.

  I said But you said anything.

  She said Yes yes I did.

  I thought Mrs Fell was feeling bad so I said Id like to go to Rome as well.

  She smiled again and said Rome?

  I said Id like to go to the Circus Maximus and see the chariots.

  She said I dont think they still do the chariot racing.

  I said I know I mean Id like to go to Ancient Rome. In a time machine.

  She said Oh.

  I said Id go to the Colosseum and see the Gladiators.

  She said It might get a bit violent.

  I said Id like to see the Retiarii.

  She said Which ones are they?

  I said Theyre the ones with nets like fishermen and big forks.

  She said You like History dont you Philip?

  I said Its my favourite subject.

  I wanted to say that Mrs Fell was my favourite Teacher but I didnt.

  She said Its mine too.

  I said Everythings History.

  She said Yes.

  I said Did you always want to be a Teacher?

  She said in a sad voice Not always. No.

  I said What did you want to be?

  She said Oh all sorts of things.

  I said Like what?

  She sighed and said An actress.

  I said Youd be a good actress.

  She smiled and a twinkle went on in her eyes and she said Why? Why do you think that?

  I said Because youre pretty.

  I said it just like that not thinking. And then it was out of my head and inside the room in the pot of marker pens and coming out of the computer and on the papers on her desk.

  Because youre pretty because youre pretty because youre pretty.

  And my cheeks went red and the red was catching and Mrs Fell caught it.

  She said Well I dont know about that. But Im sure flattery will get you everywhere Philip.

  I had to say something. I had to say anything at all to rub out Because youre pretty and so I said My fish melted.

  She said What?

  I said My tropical fish melted. The water was too hot.

  She said Oh Philip thats terrible. Im so sorry.

  I said What for?

  And she said Im sorry about what happened to your fish.

  I dont know why people say sorry when they havent done the thing they are saying sorry for. It is like everyone in the world is a little bit to blame for everything.

  I said It was my uncle Alan.

  She said Oh Philip Im sure it

  I said He turned up the heater.

  She said Did you see him turn up the heater Philip?

  I said No. But I know it was him.

  She said Im sure whatever happened it was an accident. Life is full of accidents Philip. Thats one of the biggest lessons of History.

  History.

  Fishtory.

  I said Not if youre religious.

  She said What?

  I said If youre religious then everythings Gods fault.

  She said Well I

  I said Do you think thats why Emperor Nero blamed the Christians?

  She said Emperor Nero?

  I said For the fire in Rome.

  She said I dont know. I dont think so Philip.

  I said I think so Miss. I think thats why.

  I thought it was weird that Mrs Fell thought everything was an accident because Ray Goodwin her dad was murdered but I thought Mrs Fell is not a normal type of pers
on.

  And then I said Have you ever done anything bad? That you did on purpose?

  She looked at me and drank me with her eyes and she waited a long time and she said Yes Philip yes.

  I was going to ask what it was that she did and I think she would have said but I didnt ask her because I still wanted to believe in the Mrs Fell in my head so I didnt say anything at all.

  Emperor Nero and Emperor Neros Mum

  I am scared of what will happen to me if I kill Uncle Alan.

  I am not scared of getting found out because I will be clever and make it look like an accident but I am scared of doing more bad things.

  Once you do one bad thing everything changes and you end up doing more bad things like Emperor Nero.

  I read about Emperor Nero in a book from the library in school on the Romans and it said Emperor Nero started off quite nice. He had a Teacher called Seneca but he probably had to call him Mr Seneca.

  Emperor Neros mum was weird.

  She married her uncle Emperor Claudius who was old and dribbled a lot and she married him and then killed him with poisoned mushrooms just so Nero could be Emperor.

  Nero was still a boy when he was Emperor.

  He was good in the beginning because he listened to his Teacher Mr Seneca who was good and didnt like there being Slaves even when everyone else did. But his mum was always there hiding behind curtains and getting Nero to do what she wanted.

  Nero was still good for a bit and he tried to stop the Games which was where the Gladiators killed each other but everyone loved the Games so he couldnt stop it. He had to do other things instead like put criminals to death. He didnt like doing it but he got more and more used to it and once he had to kill hundreds of Slaves just because one Slave had murdered his master because that was the law. After he did that he became bad.

  He put poison in some cake at a childs birthday party so he could kill his brother who was BRITANNICUS who might have wanted to be an Emperor. And killing is like Pringles which are Mums favourite crisps. Once you pop you cant stop.

  So Nero killed his wife because he wanted to marry another woman who was very pretty called Poppaea and I think this might be like Uncle Alan because Uncle Alan fancies Carla the Barmaid. I have seen him touch her bum when he walks past her behind the bar to get some crisps. They are not Pringles they are McCoys cheddar flavour and make his breath smell even worse than normal.

  Uncle Alan might kill Mum to marry Carla the Barmaid and then he might kill Carla the Barmaid because Emperor Nero went POP and killed Poppaea. He kicked her in the head when he was cross.

  And now Emperor Nero was older and he didnt have any good left in him. It had all run out and so he killed lots of Christians after the fire. Then he had to keep killing to stay the Emperor and did the most bad thing which was kill his mum.

  His mum was cross with Nero and Nero had a big argument with his mum but then PRETENDED to Make Up with her and invited her to a party and she said Yes Ill go to the party.

  She had to go to the party on a boat so Nero built a special boat which was meant to fall apart in the middle of the sea and make her drown. But the boat didnt sink it just broke. When the men on the boat tried to make it sink Neros mums best friend PRETENDED to be Neros mum and said Save me Im Neros mum!!!

  Neros mums friend was very brave because she knew they were going to kill her and they did. They smashed her with their oars which rowed the boat.

  The real Neros mum escaped and she wrote Nero a letter which said There was a boat accident but Im alive dont worry!!!

  And Emperor Nero went mad and sent two men to her and they PRETENDED they were seeing if she was all right.

  They said Are you all right?

  And Neros mum said Yes.

  Then one man got out a big wooden stick like a baseball bat and started beating her up. Then the other man pulled out his sword and she knew it was Nero who tried to kill her so she lifted up her clothes and showed her stomach and pointed to it and said Stab me here because this is where Nero came from.

  They said OK.

  And they stabbed her and Nero said to everyone She killed herself.

  He pretended to be sad like Uncle Alan pretended to be sad when Dad died.

  And now Nero didnt trust anyone not even Mr Seneca who he made kill himself. But no matter how many people Nero killed he was never safe. And this is because killing is not a stone you throw away it is a boomerang that comes back and gets you on the head.

  In the end Neros own soldiers wanted to get rid of him and they went to get Nero so Nero killed himself but not properly so one of the soldiers finished killing him.

  And in the book I got from the library it says at the bottom of the page

  When Nero was born, an astrologer predicted: ‘He will be Emperor and he will kill his mother.’

  And he was Emperor and he did kill his mum. I dont know what an ASTROLOGER said when I was born but it is really mad that everything that is going to happen might be in the stars right now and I cant change it and Uncle Alan cant change it and no one can change it. Not even Mum who always reads the stars in her magazines and she used to say Its going to be a good week this week. Says so here.

  She said it every week and she said it on the week Dad died in the crash so the stars must keep some things secret and not let the magazines know. And the secrets about my future are written now in the sky and I cant change them I cant change anything even these words and this full stop.

  The Condom Machine

  Dads Ghost does not like the way Uncle Alan has changed the Pub. Dads Ghost does not like the fruit machines and the game of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Or the Karaoke or the Pub Quiz or the Machine in the toilets.

  Dads Ghost only says the Machine. He doesnt say its full name which is the Condom Machine because he must think I dont know what a condom is. A condom is what men put on their willies if they dont want to have babies. They are also used to make water bombs and Dominic Weekly put one over his head at Hadrians Wall and blew it up until it burst.

  It is weird that Dads Ghost thinks the word CONDOM is more dangerous than killing Uncle Alan but that is what makes me think Dads Ghost is really still Dad. The Machine has different types of condoms like RIBBED and TEXTURED and FRUIT FLAVOURS and VARIETY PACK which has CURRY FLAVOUR.

  Condom is a weird word.

  Condom.

  Condom.

  Condom.

  Condom.

  It is a bit like kingdom which is a land ruled by kings so a condom is a land ruled by cons!!!!!

  A con is a lie.

  The Ticking Clocks

  I was going to kill Uncle Alan at the weekend because I had a new plan but I forgot I was going to Sunderland with Mum. So I had to wait until after which was OK because it was only one night and there was still some of the No Time left because Dads Birthday was miles away.

  Sunderland is the worst part of England. It is where Mum comes from and where Nan lives. Mum always tells Nan to move near Newark but she doesnt want to. She wants to stay living in Sunderland and Mum always says Youre scared to go out of your house.

  Nan says Its the same all over.

  Mum says No Mam its not.

  Nan says Anyhow I cant leave George.

  George is Grandad and he died in 2002 on September the 10th but Nan always talks like he is still alive but she knows hes dead really.

  Nan always loves me. I dont know why. I dont do anything. I just sit and eat biscuits. But she always smiles at me like sitting down and eating biscuits is a special trick.

  It was Saturday and we got to her door at 11:00 and she opened the door at 11:05 and she gave me a hairy kiss.

  Mum was a shoe done up tight with a double knot and it was because she was scared of telling Nan about Uncle Alan.

  And Mum didnt talk about Uncle Alan at first. She talked about all the shops and houses near Nans house which are dead with wood over all the windows and Nan said Its the same all over.

  Nan makes the day
s longer in her house. She checks to make sure with a clock. The clock is on a shelf over the fire. It is a round circle with Roman Numerals and gold round it and it is in a stand which is the shape of a grave. It is white and it has flowers and plants and butterflies painted on it and it goes TICK TOCK TICK TOCK all day but it is the slowest clock in the world and it stays 20 minutes past 12 for half an hour.

  Nan does nothing all day just her cross stitch and her cross word and her cross face when she watches the news or the window when girls go by with babies.

  Then when it was still 20 minutes past 12 Mum said about getting married to Uncle Alan and Nan laughed like it was a joke. But Nan never laughs so I think she knew it was real.

  Mum said Mam Im being serious.

  Nan said Oh aye pet of course.

  Mum said Mam please. Listen. Were getting married.

  Nan coughed over Mums words and said Its all on my chest. It wont come up.

  She got a tissue out. She put it to her mouth and put gob and greenies in it. There was spit strings from her mouth to the tissue like wires on cable cars and then the strings snapped and went on the tissue and then she said Sorry pet?

  Mum said Alans asked me to marry him and Ive said Yes.

  Nan said nothing and then she said Never in the world.

  Mum said Now I know what youre thinking.

  Nan said Im not thinking anything.

  Mum said You think its too soon.

  Nan said A month? Why no.

  Mum said Two months. Its been two months.

  Nan said Well then two months. Why Im surprised you even remember your Brians name after two months.

  Mum said Mam please.

  Nan said Thats plenty of time for Brian to turn in his grave. And anyhow it makes perfect sense marrying his brother. I mean you wont even have to change your name.

  Nan looked at me and then at Mum and her eyes went sharp and she said Youre going to do that to the poor lad?

  Mum said Do what?

  Nan said I feel heart sorry for the poor bairn.