by Emery Hale
Chris I have some time off and heard you have a dress fitting. I’ll see you there in thirty.
I threw the phone into my hoodie pocket, grabbed my shoes and then threw one of my spare water bottles at James’s head.
‘Oi!’ he cried.
‘We have to go, I have a dress fitting!’ I shouted back.
‘Being injured makes you so demanding.’
After I’d beaten a pot and spoon together, dragged Naomi out of bed, thrown clothes at her, then spoken to a weirdly-behaving Grace, I was out the door. There was part of me that wanted to question why all of the furniture was in the hallway, but it was too early to care. I was in my brother’s car and out the Academy gates before a single fuck crossed my mind, oh wait no, that one flew away too.
As James drove I rested my head against the window; it was still early so the roads were quiet. It was nice this, just us two.
Having Naomi involved in the op next week was a complete shambles. I didn’t want her on my team because then she became my responsibility. The poor girl couldn’t throw a punch. Naomi was fast but there was a difference between sprinting round a track and dodging bullets.
Was her life worth risking? James barely knew her and yet threw her into my team like nothing. Naomi doesn’t know how to put in an HDMI cable! How the hell was she supposed to do any of this?
How could I have let her?
The car pulled to a stop as the lights flashed red and I sighed – this was just one big ball of shit. As we sat there I heard the echoes of cars as they whizzed by. If I set a foot outside, the sheer force of a car would throw me to the ground and my head would hit the tarmac with a sickening crack.
I could end it, right here and now. Everything would stop.
Then the lights turned green and we were off again.
Death wasn’t something I ever feared. Shouldn’t I care about it more, or at least have a small emotional response? When I thought about throwing myself in front of a car there was nothing – there had to be something wrong with me. Even with Willow, I hadn’t cried once – hell, I’d barely thought about her. Was that sick? You’re supposed to honour the dead and here I was forgetting it even happened. Had Willow been buried? I didn’t even know when the funeral was or even if there was going to be one. I hadn’t thought about planning it, everything just seemed to be piling on and I had to prioritise. Sure, Willow and I weren’t the closest of friends but I thought I would have felt at least something after she died. All I felt right now was an empty pool of nothing.
What’s wrong with me?
Thirty minutes later we pulled up outside the theatre and I unbuckled the seatbelt before throwing the door open. I jumped out on my good leg then tested the bad. It was throbbing with a couple of sharp spikes, but once I started walking it eased.
‘Do you want any help?’ James asked.
‘No.’
‘Why do I even bother?’ he muttered.
Then with a wave and a smile he pulled away from the kerb.
James had to convince his boss to go through with the plan so decided he should at least tell Nicola about it first, then assess the damage and the amount of sucking-up he’d have to do later.
Suddenly my phone pinged again with a new message.
Chris I’m here baby, show me that beautiful face of yours.
Despite the chill that whipped through the air and the stink of yesterday’s rubbish, I couldn’t help the giddy smile running up my face – I’d have to go find him after the dress fitting.
I shoved the phone in my pocket and headed inside. I had to stop and rest a couple of times, but once I got to the costume department I found walking a little easier. It always smelled of hairspray and sugary sweets.
The costume room was filled to the brim with racks of dresses and suits, all labelled and steamed for tonight’s show. I wished I could get back on the stage, I craved the ecstasy of losing myself, but Harkness had caught us with the stupid wire so I got a scalpel to the knee. I hardly remembered anything about it. Maybe next week I could get in a show before the op – a matinee perhaps?
‘Hello!’ I shouted, since I didn’t see anyone around, it was unusually quiet. There was always music playing or one of the wardrobe team pottering about.
I leaned against the table as I made my way through the racks of clothes but there was no sign of anyone. I could have sworn they said a morning fitting on the email. As I went to check, a smooth and sexy baritone voice called to me.
‘Jess, it’s been too long.’
I spun around to see Christopher closing the door, a smug grin on his face. His blue shirt hugged his torso in all the right places, but what caught my attention the most was the measuring tape dangling around his neck.
He grabbed one of the dresses from the side and I noticed it had my name on it.
‘Nice dress.’
Seeing him made something flutter in my chest. As he took my hand, I tried to hide it by feigning confusion, but even then all I could do was stutter a few words.
‘Chris, you’re – what are you doing back here – you shouldn’t –’
Then he cupped my cheek and brought me closer, before his lips caressed mine.
‘Just wanted to give you that,’ he answered softly, then his eyes moved down my body. ‘What happened?’
In hindsight, I probably should have told him the truth but that would have taken too long. I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, since it would be the last. I had to end things, the Academy was getting out of control and now I had Naomi to look out for. There was no time for a relationship in my life – I barely had time to see my brother, never mind a lover. Was that what we were? I didn’t think I was capable of such a thing.
‘Training exercise gone south, nothing to worry about,’ I shrugged.
Chris looked like he was contemplating my answer, then he let out a sigh, slowly turned me so I faced the mirror, grabbed the measuring tape and drew it across my collarbone.
‘Now, the ladies are having the morning off and besides, they already have your measurements.’
What? Then why the fuck did I get up this early?
‘I got an email that they lost them.’ I told him.
Chris scrunched his face a little with a playful grin.
‘I may have sent that email.’
I laughed, shaking my head, this guy was something else – No, this had to stop. It wasn’t fair on me and it certainly wasn’t fair on him. Chris was a great guy, he was amazing to spar with, gave unbelievable shoulder rubs and made the best hot chocolate. He deserved someone better than me.
‘Chris,’ I tried, taking his hand, but he continued speaking like I hadn’t said anything.
‘Now, I said I would meet you after your fitting and take you to this little coffee shop across the street while we wait for James to get the OK from his boss. That gives us two hours?’
‘Chris,’ I said forcefully, trying to get my thoughts together, but all I could think about was his lips on mine, his rich cologne. ‘Chris, seriously, we need to talk about this.’
He took off the measuring tape and squeezed my hand, then led me to sit on one of the nearby chairs. Chris had that look, like he knew what I was going to say. He knelt down, his palm caressing my thigh, soothing.
‘I know we were never officially an item,’ he said, ‘but I want you to know that just because you go to the Academy doesn’t mean we can’t see each other. I know it doesn’t have the most pristine reputation with the other services, but I don’t care, baby.’
Oh if he only knew. Quinn had her mother as leverage, Lily had her sister and Grace had her parents. The Academy would exploit them all if it meant getting one more soldier, but I wasn’t going to let them touch Chris. He was too good, ya know? There’s only a couple of hundred in the world, but he was too nice and too smart and too loyal and, well, just an amazing fucking guy. I didn’t deserve him, not after everything.
‘It is the Academy,’ I said. ‘You know why no o
ne has any kind of relations with us. It’s dangerous.’
‘I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I do dangerous for a living.’
‘Chris, we can’t keep doing this anymore.’
‘It’s Harkness isn’t it?’ Chris asked. ‘I heard you need to cut all ties when you go to that place. It sounds like a cult.’ May as well be, I wanted to say. ‘Jess, I’ll speak to him, he can’t stop you from seeing people.’
‘No,’ I shot out, shaking my head. ‘Please, you can’t.’
Then he cupped my cheeks with his warm hands, his next words soft and caring.
‘Baby please, tell me the truth.’ And I did.
I told Chris everything, from the first year at the Academy until the present. I rolled up my legging, rubbed off the makeup and told him about the drugs. Before I knew it I was condemning him. I kept checking the door every few seconds in case anyone was listening, paranoia cracking like a whip. The whole thing lasted about twenty minutes – hell, it could have been an hour – all I knew was that tears streamed down my face as relief lifted from my shoulders. The more I talked about what was happening the easier it got, but guilt sat in the pit of my stomach like a dagger.
Chris didn’t want to carry all my baggage, who would? I was a walking time bomb and there was no way to diffuse me. The Academy was powerful, it could make Chris disappear. If I broke this off, at least I would know he was safe; if I didn’t I’d live in constant fear that he’d be sat by that tree, dried blood soaking his shirt and flies swarming in his eyes.
How could I let that happen to someone that I – no, I couldn’t.
‘No one’s here,’ was the first thing he said to me. ‘It’s just you and me.’
He took my hands again, kissing the left and then the right – why wasn’t he running out the door? James had a reason to stay, but Chris didn’t owe me anything. I couldn’t be worth all this. My mother barely acknowledged I existed and my father left – why would anyone want me this bad?
‘I’m sorry Jess,’ he said, ‘I’m sorry.’
‘What for?’ I asked. ‘You couldn’t have done anything.’
‘See, that’s where you’re wrong, I could have done so much more. It should never have gotten this far – baby, look at what they’ve done to you.’
Please make this torture end. I had to let him go, but every fibre of my being told me not to. I yearned to be beside him, now more than ever, but if anyone found out then his death would be on my hands. How much blood was I willing to spill for my own selfish acts?
‘We have to stop this. Us,’ I said, standing up shakily. ‘I’ll never forgive myself if something happened to you Chris.’
He hesitated for a moment.
‘Your brother asked me to help out on the op next week; he was going to tell me everything over that coffee.’ A small, sad smile graced his face as he rose to stand with me, tucking strands of hair behind my ear. ‘I didn’t know what it was about. I thought that . . . it doesn’t matter. You’re wanting to go back to professional then?’
Pain plucked my tight heart strings – if Chris left, my heart would freeze over for good. I cared for him and I never want to see him hurt because of me, I couldn’t bear it. How was he OK with all of this? Why was he not yelling?
‘I just – if something happened to you, Chris.’
‘No, I get it. Until you go to trial we can’t be seen together outside of work,’ he said, shaking his head.
He didn’t seem upset, but something told me there was a lot more going on behind the scenes. Chris, unlike me, felt proper emotions – but once again here I was, an empty pool of nothing. How could I be like this? I wanted to give up on our relationship to save his life, and save myself the endless torment, and I was fine with it? How did I not want to fight for our love? Love, it was a joke. How could someone like me be capable of such a vast thing?
Suddenly Chris wrapped his arms around my body, pulling me into a tight hug. I hid my face in the crook of his neck taking in a deep breath, trying to stop the tears. Wait, had I been crying? I’d forgotten – how could I – fuck! Even though the drugs were out of my system they’d done their work. I couldn’t forget this, I couldn’t forget Chris.
‘I want you to promise me.’ His voice just above a whisper. ‘Promise me that whatever happens, if you need me, you’ll call. I don’t care what time of night. I won’t leave you, Jessica.’
I pulled back. ‘Chris, I can’t lose you.’
He kept a firm grip.
‘Promise me.’
How could I? ‘Promise,’ I lied.
Chris let out a sigh, his head falling forward as he held me. I wanted more, so much more, but I couldn’t. I had a duty to perform and a relationship would only make things more complicated. This had to be the last time we saw each other privately.
We held each other for quite a while. I’m not sure how much time passed, but at some point my eyes closed as I breathed in his scent, winter berries. My hand fiddled with the back of his thick, jet-black hair, wanting to savour the moment for a little longer. I wanted to appreciate Chris, I wanted to give him so much more, but how could I? I was empty.
That was when he pulled back and tenderly kissed my neck. A breathy gasp escaped my lips, but Chris just laughed.
‘Every time.’ His voice soft and raspy. ‘Every single time.’
Then his hands ran through my hair, tugging ever so slightly as he pulled my head to the side, slowly working his way down. I felt every tingling sensation as his lips dug deeper. Chris’s hand grabbed the bottom of my hoodie, his fingertips scratching gently at my skin.
‘Chris,’ I tried, but suddenly I couldn’t speak.
The flutter of his hand running up and down my torso rendered me speechless, while his other hand gripped my neck as he kissed my jaw.
All I wanted was him; I craved his touch. Every moment I’d ever spent with Chris came rushing back, the late nights and early mornings, the sweet nothings in my ear and the promises that he’d never leave me. I didn’t want to let him go.
Chris pulled away slowly, his eyes trailing to mine. I shivered as his hand dropped to my hip and his fingers fiddled with my hair. I wanted this moment to last forever.
His tanned skin had never been touched by a bullet or a knife; his face was unblemished by scars. His coal-dark eyes sucked me in, but when his thick lips pressed mine I was lost in an endless state of ecstasy. Sometimes we went for so long that I forgot where I was.
In my daily life I felt nothing, but when I was with Chris, I felt everything.
Gripping the back of his T-shirt I kissed him, then just like that I became lost, my eyes closed and every movement forged through instinct. My hands fell, clenching the belt of his jeans, but then I stopped. I breathed.
What the fuck was I doing? This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.
I rested my head against his, a small sob rising in my throat. This would be the last time I would see him, ever. The real him. Of course we’d get enough to go to trial, but then what? We’d just be put in another institution with more corrupt agents. Anyway, he’d find someone better.
‘We can’t keep doing this,’ I said, not even looking him in the eye, I couldn’t bear it.
‘I know, baby.’ Chris’s fingers gently tipped the bottom of my chin, holding me there, his thumb rubbing my cheek. ‘I know.’
I knew I should stop, but my body was in control. I wanted Chris; I needed him.
‘This has to be the last time.’ As I spoke his thumb rubbed smooth circles into my cheek. I cupped his hand, trying to remember every touch, because I knew that soon I’d be forced to forget him. ‘If I lost you –’
‘Shh, don’t talk like that,’ he said. ‘I’m gonna be fine, you need to worry about yourself.’
‘After the mission, promise me you’ll leave – promise you’ll be far away before any of this goes down.’
‘Hey, come on now, give me some credit,’ he said, that playful grin of his sneaking back out. ‘Foc
us on surviving, then when this whole thing goes to trial, we can be together. Alright? Just, stay alive for me.’
‘Stay alive for me,’ I repeated.
They weren’t questions, they were promises.
‘If this is our last time, what do you want me to do?’ he asked, his lips inching closer to mine, the roughness of his fingertips leaving tingles on my skin. ‘What do you want me to do to you?’
‘Make me miss it.’
Chris threw me roughly against the wall, grabbing my ass and biting my neck, his teeth pinching at the skin as his lips mercilessly sucked. His hands gripped the bottom of my hoodie, hoisting it off and throwing it across the room, then he went to work on my top. His lips travelled down, focusing on my collarbone. His hand cupped my breasts with a force that hovered between pain and pleasure as he sprung open the buttons of my vest, revealing my black lace bra.
‘You’re teasing me.’ Chris looked up, lustfully pulling at the bra material, slowly at first, then forcing it down to my chest. His hands reached round the back, unhooking the clasp with a snap, throwing the thing to the ground.
‘It’s a good thing I’m not wearing any underwear, then,’ I replied.
He smirked, his thumbs hooking into the sides of my leggings, pulling each side down. The cool air conditioning sent goosebumps over my skin, but Chris’s warm breath spread like wildfire as he moved further down. His tongue licked across my clit, already spiking that pulse of excitement, my back arching and head falling. I wanted to reach for his hair, to hold him there longer but I was pleasurably paralysed.
As he rose I found movement, released from the elation, and grabbed for his belt, ripping it off and busting open the button of his jeans. I grasped his cock in my hand, now breathless as the sweat and heat began to rise.
A small moan escaped as he went inside me. My nails clenched at his back as he went harder and deeper, any sound now stolen, our hips grinding together in one solid movement.
It was then I knew I could never leave him.
* * *
As soon as we pulled up outside the dorms I was more than prepared to tell James to turn around and drive like a bat out of hell. I could run and what made it worse, I wanted to. Jamie would happily drive out of here and Chris would back me all the way.