By the time we pulled up to the door of the hospital, Ebru was waiting. Apparently, she’d received a panicked phone call from Cole yelling at her to clear the hospital and have someone in a Hazmat suit waiting for me.
“What brings you here?” she joked, just as another contraction hit and I bent over with a squeal.
“I’m so sorry for laughing at you,” I said, grabbing onto Isla who’d gotten out of the car to wish me luck. “I laughed when you pushed Dumbo out of the peanut hole, and now it’s Karmaaaaaa…” oh my shit these hurt.
“Let’s get her to the labor ward,” Ebru said calmly, pulling me into the wheelchair that had appeared beside her. I heard Tony still whispering about vagina juice and whatever else and looked up to see Cole biting his hand and jumping up and down.
“There was vagina…” Tony was repeating, and I snapped.
“Will you shut the hell up!” I screamed. “Or I swear to God, I will hose you down with whatever juice I have left in my body after leaving a flash fucking flood on my floor. I mean, do you know what that will do to the wood? Thank shit I put varnish on the fucking stuff, or I’d be left with a lake-sized stain on my flooooo aaaargh! Where’s your fucking dick shit asshole of a brother?” I screamed at Cole.
Everyone stopped and looked at me with the same shocked expression on their faces.
“Let’s go see the nice doctor who will give you lots of yummy drugs, Maya,” Isla said, turning the wheelchair in the direction of the elevator. We passed a variety of injured and sick people, their relatives and medical staff who may well have heard my tiny little snap and who were all staring at me.
As we got to the elevator, a family who had been waiting for it to arrive stood back as the doors opened, the father putting his arm in front of them and pulling them behind him. “Take it,” he said, nodding his head quickly at the elevator. Obviously, he’d been here before.
Not one word was uttered on the ride up to the labor floor, and I was thankful for that because I was planning Ren’s demise. First, I was going to shove a watermelon up his ass hole so that he could feel what I was feeling. Then I was going to get a nail file and cut his dick and balls off. His balls I’d play ping pong with and his dick I was going to… My plans for revenge were cut off by the next contraction that hit just as the doors opened. I didn’t realize that I’d grabbed Cole’s hand until he screamed and I heard the sound of a baby crying.
“Oh my God, is that it over? That wasn’t so bad!” I sat back in relief and waited for them to put the crying baby into my arms. “And you made all of that noise for nothing,” I laughed at Isla who was looking at me like I was crazy. “Where is he?” I looked around for my baby.
“Um, that was one of mine,” Isla said from beside me, and I burst into tears.
“It’s okay, Maya,” Ebru crooned from behind me as she pushed me forward. “We’ll get the nice drug doctor to come and give you some of the good shit, and then it’ll all be okay.”
Sobbing harder, I decided to point out why this wasn’t comforting. “It’s not you who’s about to shit out a Buick!”
I’m not sure if it was Tony or Cole who started crying when the next contraction hit and I squeezed the hand that I was holding onto, but Amy stayed silent thankfully. I’d been waiting for her to open her mouth so that I could take my pain out on her the way that I had a right to do - painfully and fatally.
“Right, Maya. I need you to put this pillow against your chest and stomach and hunch your back over it.” I followed the instructions that the drug doctor, as he was now known as, gave me. “Now, you’ll feel a sharp scratch as I numb the area. Ready?”
I had already been warned not to move or talk while he was doing the epidural so why was he asking me questions? Then it happened.
“Sharp scratch my Orca-sized ass!”
“That’s it over and done with,” the lying bastard said, and I heard the ‘tink’ of something being put on the table that he’d wheeled behind me and a rustling sound. “I’m just going to put the epidural tube in now and then we’ll give you something to take away the pain. Don’t move now, Maya,” he finished, and Ebru squatted in front of me and held my face to look at hers the whole time. I could feel something moving in my back just as the door to my room opened.
“Holy shit, Maya, I can’t believe tha…” and then there was the sound of body hitting whatever the shit type of flooring this was.
Taking a deep breath in so that I didn’t jump up and kick the asshole in the balls, I opened my eyes and asked Ebru the question that I just knew the answer to already. “The bastard passed out didn’t he?”
She looked nervously at what I assumed was my husband’s body lying prone on the floor, and then looked back at me and nodded.
“I’m gonna tear his balls off and shove them so far up his ass…”
“I’m just injecting the anesthetic into the tube now, Maya. Don’t move,” the doctor behind me interrupted, and a cold trickling feeling moved down my back.
They were just settling me into the bed, and Cole had come in to get his brother off the floor with the help of Tony, when Amy pointed out that my next contraction was hitting, and I realized I couldn’t feel one bit of it.
“You’re a good man,” I said to the drug doctor created by Heaven’s angels. Then, grabbing the doctor by the tie and yanking him down so that he was face to face with me, I made sure that he knew my position for the rest of the birth. “But if it wears off, I’ll pull your balls off too.”
“Isn’t she magnificent?” I heard Ren ask from his corner. Finally, the asshole was awake, so I turned to see Cole throwing away the alcohol swab that he’d been waving under Ren’s nose.
“Don’t make me hurt you!” I growled in his direction, seeing Cole back away towards the door out of the corner of my eye. “And you…”
I swear he whimpered, but he’d later tell everyone that it was the sole of his sneaker on the floor. Lying shit face!
The next victim of my anger was Tony, the dramatic prick who was staring at the bed going over what happened with Isla, again! I was surrounded by assholes, and I swore there and then that I was going to cause them huge amounts of pain…once I could feel my legs again. Before I could open my mouth to let rip, though, he ran out of the room, almost knocking Ebru off her feet who was now standing next to the door and gesturing at Cole.
“What are you doing? Where are you going? Don’t leave me here!” I was desperate by this point. I didn’t want to flash my cooter to the world, but come on!
“Um, to get coffee?” Cole replied, edging closer and closer to Ebru.
“Oh, well, that’s okay then,” I lay back on my bed and made myself comfortable. That sounded fantastic right now. “I’ll have a latte.”
Ebru stopped and looked at me somewhat worriedly. “You’re…you can’t…” she looked over at Ren who was staring back at her, still dazed from his pussy episode. “You’re not allowed coffee.”
I threw the covers off and went to get out of bed, but unfortunately, all that moved were my boobs and my shoulders. Lying back in bed, I settled for glaring. “Why? Says who? I’m only drinking decaf.”
“In case you need to go into surgery at any point,” Ebru replied, grabbing Cole’s hand and pulling him out of the door before I could attack her.
“You’re having a contraction,” Amy spoke up from her position of still staring at the machines beside me.
“Oh piss off!”
Three hours later….
Labor was a breeze; I hadn’t felt anything since the drug God gave me my epidural. Ren had also been conscious for two and half hours now and was currently holding my hand, while Amy sat in the chair next to me reading some pregnancy magazine.
“How are you feeling, baby?” Ren asked, as he pushed the hair that had come out of my ponytail behind my ear.
Reaching up to redo my hair, I gave him a grin. “This is easy! I don’t get why pregnant women moan about it?”
Snorting from beside me
, Amy didn’t look up as she said, “Because it hurts when you have to actually push the beast out of the pin hole? Because they don’t take the drugs?”
Glaring at the top of her head, I turned back to my husband who was looking pale again. “Please tell me you’re not going to faint again. I swear I will hurt you if you so much as…”
“Hey,” Amy interrupted. “Did you get your goblin garden mowed recently?”
“What the fuck is she on about?” Ren whispered from beside me. “Jesus, is there something inside you called a goblin garden?” He shot out of his chair and backed away from me shaking his head.
“No, you twat,” Amy sniggered. “The girl fro down low. Did you get it tamed?”
“Are you asking me if I have a pretty poonani?” I asked.
“Well, it’s not like you could reach it, right?” She stood up and threw the magazine on the table beside me and stretched.
“My bikini line is just fine, but thank you for asking.”
At that moment, the nurse walked back in and went over to the machine that was monitoring my contractions and the baby’s heartbeat. Checking it all over, she made some notes on her iPad and then checked my IV.
“So Maya, your water broke some time ago and your contractions seem to be slowing. Because of this, we’re going to give you a medication to speed them up and break your waters a bit more, okay?”
“How’s it possible that there’s even any water left inside me after the flood on the floor?”
I remembered hearing about all of this on those damn videos that Isla and I had watched for some stupid reason. I was distracted by the sound of a body hitting the floor, again.
“Oh dear, is he still doing that?” The nurse looked down at Ren who was out cold.
Amy walked over to the door, opened it and stuck her head out. For a second I thought that she was leaving me and was about to scream at her when I heard her call out, “Tony, Parker. The pussy did it again.”
Parker walked through the door and headed in Ren’s direction, while Tony stayed standing at the doorway looking at me.
“I can’t do it,” he shook his head. “I can’t go through it again.”
“Get your ass over here,” Parker growled, taking Ren by the wrists.
“Please God, no!” He begged. “I can’t do it again. You don’t know the shit that I saw. It haunts me.”
Amy was never the most patient person that I’d ever met, and she’d reached the end of her patience now. Reaching up, she grabbed him by the ear and pulled him over to where Ren and Parker were.
“Get the lint licker off the floor and grow a pair of balls,” she hissed.
Moving quickly, Tony picked Ren’s feet up, and together he and Parker hoisted my soon to be dead husband onto the chair. As soon as he’d dropped Ren’s feet, Tony ran toward the door and disappeared out of it without a goodbye. Both of us watched in silence as Parker waved another alcohol swab under Ren’s nose, bringing him back around.
“What did I miss?” Ren asked, sounding spaced out.
“He’s lucky that I can’t move right now,” I informed the room.
Just then, the nurse came back with the stuff that was going to speed this up and Parker took the opportunity to sneak out of the door. That was a relief because it was bad enough having a doctor and a nurse stare at my hoohah, but Parker?
I lay back and let the nurse do her thing as she hooked me up to a new machine. I’m pretty sure that Isla had this when she had the twins, but I could be wrong. As the nurse walked back down to the bottom of the bed where she’d left some stuff on a table, it suddenly hit me that I was actually doing this. I was actually having a baby.
Seeing as how she was the closest to me, I reached out and grabbed Amy’s hand and yanked her toward me. “Please don’t leave me,” I begged. “I’m scared.”
“Hey, you’ve got me too you know,” Ren piped up from the corner, and Amy and I turned to glare at him at the same time.
“Don’t,” I snapped. “Just don’t!”
“Right, I’m going to move your legs into these stirrups, Maya.” The nurse said, dragging our attention away from the window licker in the corner. “Then, I’m going to make another hole for the amniotic fluid to come out from and hopefully that, along with the Pitocin, will speed your contractions up a bit.”
I could hear my heart beat racing on the machine as she held up a knitting needle. What the fuck was she going to do with that?
“I thought you said you were going in to make another hole?” Amy questioned.
“I am.”
“So why are you knitting?” Amy frowned in confusion, and I’m glad she asked because I’d been wondering the same thing. Before the nurse could answer her, Amy spun in my direction with her hands on her hips. “I thought I told you to look after your lady garden? Because you’ve got a fucking wilderness down there now, that poor woman is having to knit your pubes out of the way. A simple trim, Maya!”
I heard the nurse giggling as she ducked her head doing whatever. I was beginning to feel things again. Light, slight pains and pressure from whatever she was doing down at ground zero.
“I mean, what is she meant to do?” Amy was still ranting. “She’s probably knitting a fucking hammock to catch the poor little man in!”
“Ah, there we go,” the nurse interrupted. “That’s it all done.”
She placed the big metal meat hook on the table beside her, and that’s when I noticed that there was crap on her gloves. Apparently, Ren noticed at the same time, because he suddenly slumped over, out cold again.
“Kick him, kick him hard,” I turned to look at Amy and pointed in fuck head’s direction.
Within minutes he was awake again and I watched as he slowly and unsteadily got to his feet and then walked towards me. The epidural was definitely losing its magic now, and I could feel the contractions. The pain wasn’t overwhelming, but it did take my breath away slightly.
“There we go, it’s already working,” the nurse said as she cleared up the mess at the bottom of the bed. “How’s your pain level? On a scale of one to ten with one being a tiny bit sore and ten being the worst pain that you can imagine in your life?”
Right then, another one hit me and I yelled out, “A fucking seven. Eight! Oh shit, no, a nine.”
Nodding her head, she told us she would go and get the anesthesiologist to top up the epidural and would be back shortly.
Leaning my head back, I realized that I had grabbed Ren’s hand and had squeezed the shit out of it. Memories of what Isla did to Luke popped into my head, and I gave an evil smile. Game on!
“How do you feel, baby?” the mouth breather asked, as he wiped my face with the cloth that had been beside the bed.
“It hurts,” I was straining against the pain as another contraction hit.
That’s when the soon to be gelded asshole said the worst thing any man can say while a woman is in labor. “If I could take the pain for you I would, baby.”
Thankfully, the nurse walked in with doctor drug God who was carrying a syringe, but that didn’t stop me from what I had to say to my husband.
“You wish you could take the pain?”
Nodding vigorously, he pushed some hair behind my ear. “Of course. I hate you being in pain and not being able to do anything to help or take the pain away from you.”
An idea popped into my head, and I was going to make sure that this happened, come hell or high water. “I know, go into the hallway and let Amy take a couple of running kicks to your nuts. Full force blows right to the jewels. And then, then you’ll know some of the pain that I’m going through with your behemoth child that I have to squeeze out a hole this big,” I was shouting now, and lifted my hand to show him a tiny hole.
“Did you know that you can tear while you’re giving birth or that they might have to cut you?” Amy was back to reading the magazine. “This chick here said her baby literally tore her a new one. We’re talking hole to hole.”
As I looked
at the anesthesiologist, who was currently pushing whatever was in the syringe into the tube in my spine, and then onto the nurse, Amy continued to read out the gory details of this woman’s twat getting torn to shreds like some sort of Jurassic Park victim. Apparently, and unsurprisingly, Ren couldn’t take it, because he jumped up and went running into the bathroom and then treated us to the beautiful sounds of a T-Rex emptying the contents of its stomach.
“I wonder if you’ll need to get your twat sewn up?” Amy said, still reading the fucking article. “I mean, they did say that the baby was the size of a Sumo, didn't they?”
Panicking, I picked up my phone and rang my sister. When she didn’t answer the first time, I tried again, and again. After twelve missed calls I left her a message.
“Lucy, Amy says that women rip when they give birth. Please call me back and tell her that she’s wrong and that I’m not going to have a vagina that resembles Jabba-the-Hut.” Hanging up, I rang Isla who’d gone home with the twins.
“Have you had him yet?” she answered. I could hear Dewi and Kali crying in the background and Luke shouting about shit being in Kali’s hair. After witnessing Cole getting sprayed with the stuff, I had to admit that I doubted my ability to handle that side of parenting. “Hello?” Isla asked, snapping me out of the shit covered nightmares that had been going through my head.
“Did you end up with a new vagina hole?” It all came out in a rush.
“Uh, what?”
“A new vagina hole. Amy says that this chick’s baby literally ripped her hole to hole and well, I’m giving birth to a two hundred pound beast and you had two babies.” I wasn’t even making sense to myself now, but I needed the answer to this.
“No honey, I didn’t,” Isla said, obviously laughing. What was so funny about the state of my vagina I didn’t know. “There were grazes, though.”
“Grazes? What the fuck are those?” What did she do? Fall on her fud while she was giving birth?
“Like little scratches and stuff. It’s normal.”
Providence Series Books 1-4 Page 58