“What the actual fuck?” He yelled, poking the diaper in confusion.
“You wanted to know what it was like to wear a diaper and piss and drink at the same time,” Coleman groaned from behind the couch. Leaning back, I saw that he was on a pallet of cushions that I recognized from all of our houses. What the hell had we done last night?
“That’s fucking disgusting,” Brett grumbled, rubbing his face with his hands and I had to agree.
“I dunno what you’re disgusted at, it was your idea,” Coleman filled him in. “And you were the first to put one on.”
All of our heads snapped in Brett’s direction at once as he stood up and pulled his sweats away from his body and looked under them. “Oh fuck me, did I use an entire roll?”
I tried to look over his shoulder, but he elbowed me in the stomach and glared. “Ya, and you taped them around the legs as well until we realized that it wasn’t necessary,” Coleman answered. Looking around the room, I saw the grin that was on my face mirrored on the other occupants as we all stood staring at Brett. I so had to be around when he removed it. “The rest of you were wiser and didn’t use as much tape.”
That stopped me in my tracks as I repeated what Brett had done and stared down the front of my sweats. Oh fucking me, I was going to end up with a Brazilian.
“Don’t think you fuckers are getting out of going to get new bottles and shit with me,” Ren growled as he tugged on some of the tape.
Sighing, I stumbled in the direction of mine and Ebru’s house, resigning myself to the fact that I was going to have bald spots again. And most likely a slight skin reaction to the tape which would leave me scratching like a hyena with crabs.
Two hours later…
“Stop scratching,” Luke snapped at Brett who must have been more hungover than we thought because he didn’t swing at Luke in retaliation like he normally would have; either that or Sabine was mellowing him.
Walking down the next aisle in the baby store, I saw the perfect furniture set for the nursery. Last week, Ebru had been describing one that she’d seen in Australia while I’d been in another store. Apparently, she’d walked past a furniture store window and had seen a crib with designs carved into it, and this had everything that I remember her mentioning.
Looking around, I walked up to a sales assistant who was staring at the group either like we were a steak or like we were zombies missing from some sort of science experiment. The expression on her face kept changing from salivating to running for her life.
“Hey, can you help me?”
Her head snapped toward me and she took a step backward. As discreetly as I could, I lifted my arm slightly and took a sniff. Nope, not that; what was her issue? I didn’t get a chance to ask because an older woman walked over to me.
“Yes, sir?”
“Could you help me with this nursery set over here please?” I asked, walking toward the display. “My wife saw one just like this while we were in Australia, and I really want to surprise her with one that’s similar,” I looked at her name tag, “Brenda.”
“Where in Australia were you?” she asked, as we reached the crib.
“We toured around, but I know that we were in Canberra when she saw the cot she described to me.”
“In that case, it’s highly likely that this set is by the same company,” she grinned. “We have an exclusive import contract with them, and they’re based in Australia and sell in two stores there.”
That was when an idea took over. “I want the full furniture set. I also need pretty much everything that you can think of for a baby.”
“Don’t you think that you should maybe let Ebru pick some shi…stuff?” Brett asked as he looked at the items in front of us. He had a point.
“Okay, I’ll leave the buggy and shi…stuff,” I copied Brett’s mistake, wincing when the woman’s lips tightened. “But, I would really like to get some other things while I’m here. Also, do you deliver?”
I’d never realized how addictive baby shopping was. As the frenzy took over, I felt like a shark scenting blood in the water - except it was a daddy-to-be and the blood was a massive amount of baby shit; most of it stuff I’d never need, but that I had to have.
One hour later…
“Grab his legs!” Coleman yelled as he, Brett and Luke carried me out of the store and Ren stood guard by the door.
“I just want to have a look at one more thing,” I’d seen an awesome light for beside the bed that had some sort of sleep therapy thing in it. I didn’t know how it worked, but I had to have it.
“Asshole, you said that forty-minutes ago,” Luke growled at me as they dropped me quite brutally on the floor and pointed at the open door of the car. “How much did you end up spending with the ‘just one more’ bullshit?”
Thinking of the six thousand dollars that I’d just charged to my credit card as they held me at the till point, I realized that maybe I’d gone just a little bit over the top.
“Fuck, I forgot the bottles for Crystal. Maya will kill me if she gets home and there’s none there.” Ren groaned and walked back into the store. Using their distraction and irritation, I ran past them and in the direction of the light. It was mine!
Chapter 5
Ebru
W e followed the trail of baby items and yelling to the living room. We’d only just pulled up when we’d heard what sounded like a crowd of angry men inside our home. We were used to the men ‘discussing’ things loudly, though; it was the baby items that had been the shocker.
“You don’t need to order anything else you asshole,” Ren was yelling in Cole’s face as we came to a stop in the doorway.
“Yes, I do!” Cole ran toward us with his eyes on the screen of his phone. Looking at the floor, I gathered he’d finally broken the seal on buying stuff for the baby.
It didn’t look like he was going to stop and if he continued in the direction he was going, he was going to send us all flying. Before any of us could yell stop though, a thick arm reached out and caught him, also snatching the phone out of his hand.
“Calm the fuck down, shit head,” Coleman snapped. “You don’t need to get it all in the space of three hours for fucks sake.”
I’d assumed that some of the stuff was for Crystal, Dewi and Kali, but apparently I was very wrong. The mini window licking unicorn in my stomach was the lucky recipient of all of it.
“This is all for one baby?” Sabine questioned, looking around in shock. “How many are you pregnant with?” they all turned and looked at my stomach.
“Just the one,” I walked forward and caught Cole’s hand before he could start jumping for his phone which was now being held above his head by an unimpressed Coleman. “What happened here?”
“He was baby shit shopping for two fucking hours,” Brett scowled at Cole. “We had to carry him out, and then this fucker here,” he nodded in Ren’s direction, “forgot to get what we went for and went back in. That meant that the twat of the century,” he pointed at Cole, “ran back in and got more shit. Three hours he shopped for, three!”
“What did you need to go to the baby store for?” Maya asked, stepping over to pass Crystal to her Daddy.
Taking the baby and holding her in front of him like a shield, Ren mumbled, “abyottles.”
“What?” Maya knew exactly what he was talking about, especially after we’d received a bunch of photos of them from Mace the night before.
Shrugging, he tickled Crystal making her giggle. “You know…things!”
“Aww, you bought her stuff? I can’t wait to see what you chose,” Maya sounded almost genuine in her delight, but the slight sarcastic undertone and the evil look that she was giving him at that moment said otherwise. Ren’s look of worry as he turned to look at her and saw the expression on her face was hysterical. The pure panic that then crossed his face had a snort busting out of me and Isla who had moved into the room to pass Dewi to her Dad while Ava followed with Kali. He’d developed a huge amount of love for her, but we
had discovered it was actually to do with the size of her blouse bunnies than anything else. Little guy took after his Dad, apparently. He definitely took after his Uncles.
“You know, don’t you?” Ren whispered, moving Crystal so that she was back in front of his body.
“Know what?” Maya sounded so innocent, damn she was good. “Hey, did y’all have a good night last night?” She looked around the room making eye contact with each of the men. The pussies all turned and looked at other spots in the room within seconds, even Coleman.
Always the exception to the rule, Cole chose that moment to jump and grab the phone out of Coleman’s hand, cheer and run up the stairs. The sound of a door slamming and furniture moving stopped the guys who’d gone after him in their tracks.
“Is this it?” I looked back at the crap all over the room as Maya stood glaring holes into the side of Ren’s head.
“No, there’s a delivery coming tomorrow,” Brett kissed the side of my head as he grabbed Sabine’s hand and walked toward the door. I was relieved to hear that it was just that, although I wanted to know what he’d ordered to be delivered. “And there’s the shit in the nursery too,” he finished as he closed the door behind them.
“There’s some in the spare room too,” Ren hurried toward the door with a smiling Crystal in his arms still, and Maya following behind him.
“Yeah, you better run, Ren Townsend. And your Dad and Grandad owe me five bottles too. You make sure that they’re here by tomorrow.” The door slamming behind them cut whatever else she was saying off.
“There’s still some shit in the car,” Coleman bent down and kissed my cheek and walked out the door with Luke and Isla following behind him.
“You might want to check his study too,” Luke said around the closing door.
What the hell did he buy? Walking around the house, I went to the areas that they’d said and peered out the window at the SUV. Thankfully it was just the trunk that was overflowing with bags. From what I could see, he’d stuck with the practical shit like onesie’s, bedding, diapers and useful things like that. Walking past the nursery, I saw a bassinet on a rocking frame and a box with the photo of a rocking chair and foot rest on it. Next to it, was another box with a light and a rooster on it. I was intrigued, but I needed to stop him buying more before it was too late. Going to our room, I knocked on the door.
“Who is it?”
“Me, can I come in?”
“How do I know you’re alone? They could be making you knock on the door.”
“Let me in, Cole!” I’d lost patience with this shit.
“How do I know that you’re alone?” He repeated.
“Well, check then,” I snapped. I heard the screech of whatever furniture he’d barricaded himself in with moving a couple of inches and then a groan.
“Eb?”
“What?”
“I think I’ve pulled something,” he groaned and then squealed. At least I think it was him; he had Winston the micro piglet in there with him.
“Did you drag the furniture over my pig?” I demanded.
“No, you heartless bitch! That was me,” he yelled through the door. Sighing, I turned toward the stairs to go and call the guys back to save the twat, when he yelled again, “and it’s my pig. He loves me best!”
Just to piss him off and prove that he was wrong, I made the kissing noises that drove Winston nuts. Normally, he’d start squealing to get up on my lap for cuddles and snuffles when I made them, apart from when I made them to try and find him and then he’d squeal as he ran out of his hiding place. On this occasion, because he couldn’t get to me, he started a seriously high pitched squeal that he only stopped when he needed to take a breath of air in.
“What did you do? Oh my God, he’s pissing!”
Smiling, I walked in the direction of my cell and rang Ren to get the guys back while I picked up the cleaning stuff. Winston also had a nervous bladder - lucky Cole.
The following day…
I would not kill him, I would not kill him, I would not…
“Eb,” a shouted whine came from the couch where he was lying with some sort of ice pack cushion thing between his thighs. “I’m hungry!”
I was going to kill him. Walking around the door frame, I threw the pack of saltines at his head taking great enjoyment when they bounced off the front of it and landed on his crotch making him jump and squeal.
A knock on the door stopped what I was sure would be an epic hypochondria fueled whining session, and answering it I saw Ren standing there holding a sleeping baby Crystal.
“Hey, Cole in?” He hadn’t been one of the ones who had ended up having to break into our bedroom to retrieve King Twatunkamun because there had been an issue in one of the fields. I pointed him in the direction of his injured brother and walked through to the kitchen to get some coffee, well decaf because thanks to the asshole that I could hear whining I could no longer have normal coffee. Who invented decaf coffee? I mean, there was only one place for decaf and that was in the garbage. In fact, I wonder if there was a central coffee agency that I could complain to? Surely it was a breach of our human rights? And what kind of person drank fucking no fun coffee? That’s like eating celery and pretending it was candy.
I stopped what I was doing and smacked my head off the door of the cupboard in front of me when it hit me - the baby hormones were kicking in; we were all fucked! Then the perk of the situation sank in, I would finally be able to get the mouth breather back for all of the months of hell he’d put me through. If he could drive me nuts normally, I’m pretty certain I would have him certifiably insane by the time the unicorn baby arrived.
Game on…
Cole
Every movement, even if it was just me thinking about the possibility of moving, hurt. I hadn’t had to keep my hand on my dick for this length of time ever and it was somewhat disconcerting.
I heard Ren’s voice and turned as he walked into the room holding Crystal who was just starting to wake up.
“Hey, I need your help. I’ve got two cars that they want done by Saturday and they…dude will you get your hand off your dick? I mean, what the fuck? Do you not see the baby right here?” He held up Crystal who was grinning at me.
“I hurt myself you insensitive bastard.”
Raising an eyebrow at me, he sat down in one of the armchairs and lay Crystal down on the floor. That baby was the most content baby I’d ever known, not that I’d known many obviously. The twins would have set the house on fire and been chanting war cries by now. But not my little angel; she was more than content trying to crawl and blow bubbles. It didn’t hurt that Poppy loved her. They had a game where Crystal held onto Poppy’s tail and was dragged slowly along the floor. It was the funniest shit to watch.
“And this means you have to hold your dick why?”
Glaring at Ren, I lifted my hand to flip him the unicorn salute. “I pulled a muscle.”
“In your dick?” he drawled in a you’re so full of shit tone.
“No, asshole. I pulled a muscle in my groin.”
“Do I wanna know how?”
I was about to tell him to mind his own business, but Ebru came into the room with some mugs of coffee and plonked them on the table. I really hoped they weren’t that fucking decaf shit, it was disgusting. Granted, she had no option but to drink it, but that didn’t mean that I had to suffer too. It’s not like I wasn’t in enough pain already, why would I add to it?
“He barricaded himself in the bedroom so he could order shit online and when he went to move the furniture out of the way, he slipped and pulled a muscle in his groin.”
Ren stared at me before saying, “So, basically you sprained a nut?”
I ignored him and went to reach for my coffee instead, but realized that Ebru had placed it just out of reach. If I wanted it, I was going to have to lift one cheek off the couch and reach my upper body over. It might not sound so bad, but when it felt like you had a medieval jouster playing baseball with your
nut, it was hell.
Rather than help me, the two malicious shit tits made themselves more comfortable and sipped their coffee while watching me try and reach for it. After a couple of minutes, Ren looked at his watch and sighed.
“Gotta go. Princess will be needing her nap soon,” he walked over to her and picked her up.
“But she just woke up?” I really needed to read some parenting books or something because I had no idea how often they slept, ate or shit. I knew that there was a shit gauge or something that you got from the hospital telling you the ideal poop color from your baby, but aside from that I had nothing.
“Maya’s home in ten minutes which means nap time for the baby and…”
“Don’t say it in front of her,” I yelled. “Jesus shit Ren, what do you want to do? Scar her for life?”
Grinning, he bent over so that my little angel could say goodbye to her favorite Uncle in the wo… Fireworks went off behind my eyes as she head butted my crotch. I’d thought that it would be funny to teach her to gently bump heads last week and unfortunately she’d decided that more velocity behind the bump was more fun, and this went for head butting any part of the body.
My nuts traveling faster than the speed of light into my throat and the involuntary jump that I made when it happened made the screaming muscle in my groin roar. I’d like to think that the noise that came out of me was a sound of masculine pain, but instead it sounded more like a pubescent boy trying to yodel. At that precise moment in time though, I was struggling to drum up even an ounce of give a shit as I prayed for a quick death. My little nutcracker was clapping her hands in delight as her Daddy walked out of the room and it was the look on her face and the fact that she was in his arms that saved his life. Well, and the fact that I couldn’t have moved even if I wanted to. I’d kill him later, slowly…and painfully. The fucker had totally done that on purpose.
Providence Series Books 1-4 Page 77