by Cassie James
Salma comes bounding over from out of nowhere, interrupting the silent moment. “Girl! Where have you been? I tried to call you when I got back on Saturday.” Ace and I exchange a quick look that doesn’t go unnoticed. “Uhm, I’m all for being anti-monogamy, but do your boyfriends know you’re adding a third?”
“Oh my god.” I jump out of the car and grab Salma by the arm. “I’ll talk to you later,” I call back to Ace as I drag her away. I can’t bear to look at his reaction. The only thing I can’t handle more than facing being back at school while I’m in the middle of a personal shitstorm, is having Salma making comments like that.
“Too far?” she asks innocently once we’re out of earshot. “If it makes you feel any better, you’re basically my hero. If three perfect guys were drooling after me, I wouldn’t want to choose between them either.” I pinch her, trying to make her stop, but she’s on a roll. “If men in other countries can have multiple wives, then I’m not sure why you can’t have multiple boyfriends. Just think about it, if you get mad at one you can just hang out with a different one. And the three of them are all pretty different, so you’ll never get bored. It seems like an all around win to me.”
I take a deep breath and beg her to, “Please stop. Before you give me a panic attack.”
“You sure do like burying your problems instead of dealing with them, don’t you?” She’s not wrong, though I do appreciate that she says it in a way that’s still pretty cheerful instead of judgmental.
“You have no idea,” I mutter.
She shoots me a strange look, so I know she heard me, but she doesn’t press me on it. “I’m supposed to talk to Yaya before class, are you okay if I...” She thumbs in the direction of the art studio as we step through the doors to the building. Yaya’s the art teacher that everyone loves. I’ve seen her around, and she’s always so warm and kind that I can see why. I don’t know why Salma needs to meet with her, but I wouldn’t mind a few more minutes to try to prepare myself for seeing Patrick and Smith again. I’m sure they’re not thrilled about me ignoring them these past few days.
“Yeah, of course. I’ll see you later.” Salma blows a kiss my way in that big, exaggerated style of hers before bouncing away. She’s got way too much energy. Hell, maybe I’d have that much energy, too, if I’d just come back from a week of sunbathing in the Caribbean. My Spring Break doesn’t even remotely compare.
I walk alone to my locker to put my stuff away. I’m just starting to think it’s strange that I haven’t seen either Smith or Patrick when I glance down the hall and see them. They’re standing together, both staring at something on the wall.
Knowing I can’t avoid them forever, I close my locker and slowly make my way towards them. Whatever they’re talking about, it looks pretty heated. I call out, “Hey,” to them as I get within earshot.
They both turn right around, their tense conversation quickly forgotten. Smith looks me over like he’s expecting me to be injured or something. All it makes me think about is how Ace still has the spot on his arm from where Smith’s mom freaking stabbed him. Patrick, on the other hand, frowns at me.
“Where have you been?” I know he doesn’t just mean this morning. I look between the two of them, my heart feeling like its two sizes too big as I see how worried they both look. I shouldn’t have ignored them. It’s obvious they were both thinking the worst.
“I had some family stuff to deal with over the break. I’m sorry about going MIA.” They share another look. “What?” I ask.
“The semester is almost over,” Patrick starts carefully. I nod because that’s pretty basic information. We only have a few weeks of classes left now before Summer Break. The next couple weeks are all about ACTs and finals.
Smith tries to take over. “That also means it’s almost time for—”
“Prom,” Patrick cuts him off, rushing to get the word out before Smith can.
I thought we’d mostly worked through the jealousy stuff, but I can see it back in full-force now and it makes panic rise up inside of me. I’ve had enough conflict in the last week to last me a lifetime. I’m not ready to deal with anything else yet. I still feel like I haven’t even had a chance to catch my breath.
“We agreed not to be assholes about it, whoever you choose to go with. And it’s okay if you dance with both of us, I mean, we’ll all hangout together while we’re there, anyway.” Smith explains all of this to me like it’s supposed to be reassuring, but it’s not. For some reason, I never stopped to consider how this arrangement would work when it came time to make prom plans. Up to this point, it’s been easy to keep things pretty casual on both sides. Going to prom together, though? That feels a little more serious than what’s been going on up until this point.
“Prom?” I repeat the word slowly, trying to buy myself a few extra seconds of time.
They both nod, looking at me expectantly. I feel all this pressure all of a sudden to get things right, but I’m not sure what the right thing is. “I’m going with Ace!” I blurt out. They both look at each other, then back at me.
“What the fuck do you mean you’re going with Ace?” Smith is the first one to speak. Fuck, what was I thinking? I should maybe have talked to Ace before I threw him under the bus like this. For all I know, he’s already planning on going with someone else. Or not going at all. Crap. I really should have thought this one through.
They’re both staring at me now in bewilderment. I forgot that they don’t know Ace and I cleared up our issues over the break. As far as they know, I’m still holding a grudge over last semester’s photos.
“Yeah,” I tell them, realizing all I can do now is double-down on my answer and hope for the best. “We hung out over the break while everyone else was gone. We got to work some things out, so it’s all good now.” They both look at me like I’m growing a second head.
“And now you’re going to prom with him?” Patrick says the words like they just don’t make any sense to him. “That’s bullshit.” Hearing him curse out loud like that in the middle of the school building is like a slap to the face. “I’ll talk to you later,” he mumbles to me, then storms off.
Helplessly, I look at Smith hoping for a better reaction. He sounds sheepish as he tells me, “I thought for sure you’d pick me.”
The look on his face is a real punch to the gut. “I’m sorry,” I tell him, and I am. I panicked in the moment when I picked Ace. I didn’t want to hear Smith or Patrick’s feelings. Somehow it really seemed like a better idea just to not choose either of them. But that wasn’t exactly better, was it?
“I didn’t even want to make you choose,” he admits. “But Patrick thought it would look too weird if we showed up both acting like your date. He turned it into an ultimatum, and now all of us feel bad, huh? This is why I don’t like this shit. Who does jealousy help?” He shakes his head.
This might be the first time that I actually understand his point of view. Asking me to choose before I’m ready, all that’s done is leave two people I care about with hurt feelings. If we’d all agreed to Smith’s suggestion to casually go together, other people might have talked, but they’ll always find a reason to do that anyway. I think we would have been much happier if it hadn’t been turned into an ultimatum. Patrick included.
“I hope you’ll still dance with me.” He still doesn’t look happy, but at least he’s not storming away like Patrick did.
I nod easily, “Of course, I will.”
“But Ace? Really?” He pulls a face. I know it’s nothing personal, because the two of them were good friends not that long ago, according to what I learned from Ace over the break. I’m pretty sure he’s just being protective of me, which is actually pretty sweet. I can’t really begrudge him that.
I reach for his hand so I can give it a reassuring squeeze. “Just trust me, okay?” Right now, there’s really no way for me to tell him what’s changed. I’m not going to out Ace’s secret. That’s up to him whether he wants to go down that path or not. It’s okay i
f no one understands my decision right now. I just hope they’ll respect that it is my decision to make.
“I do,” he says with a sigh. He still doesn’t look thrilled, but it doesn’t seem like he’s interested in going full-on interrogation with me about it. So, that’s a relief.
Not wanting to dig this hole any deeper, I change the subject on him. “Did you see what the news was saying about Kathryn?” The coverage last night was almost nonstop on the local channel. It’s all they talked about. And finally they’re giving out real information. Apparently, Kathryn had bruises around her neck Female hands, to be exact. I’m not sure exactly what kind of science is used to reach that conclusion, but the news anchor said it like it was definitive. And it sent my mind spiraling in a dozen different directions, thinking of the theories I’ve heard.
“Please tell me you don’t really think my mom had something to do with that shit.” He lets out a sound of disgust, and it makes me wonder if maybe Patrick said something already.
“No.” I shake my head and carefully lower my voice. “Sadie said something that’s been bothering me since I saw the story. She said she thinks maybe Cece was involved.” Smith doesn’t look the least bit surprised to hear that, so I must not have been the only one she told.
“Cece’s dramatic, but can you really picture her killing anyone?” I kind of read between the lines. I know people around here don’t think Cece’s all that bright, and I’ve admittedly thought the same thing about her on more than one occasion. “I think maybe that was the alcohol talking. Things were pretty bad right before the break.” This time he’s the one that lowers his voice. “She asked to go back to Banner-Hill over the break.”
“Really?” She did say she wanted to get better, but I wasn’t ready to full believe her at the time. False promises are a hallmark of addiction. I’m so fucking proud of her now that I know she followed through.
Smith nods. “We were gone one day before she broke down and said she didn’t think she could spend another day without getting help. She also mentioned that you helped her make the decision.”
Oh, well, that wasn’t something I was expecting. “I didn’t do anything. I just kind of pointed out that it’s hard to love an addict. She’s the one that seemed ready to finally face her problem. I hope it really helps this time, Smith. I know it can’t be easy on your family. Or on you.”
He wraps his arm around my waist and drags me close. “Every time I think maybe I want to be mad at you, you make it impossible all over again. You’re a nice girl, Juliet. This town doesn’t deserve you.”
I think about all the secrets I’m hiding right now, and all the dark things I’ve recently learned about my family. It doesn’t feel like anyone should be saying such nice things to be right now. Not when I feel so crappy. Instead of responding, I lean forward and kiss him. He kisses me back, coaxing my lips to part for him. For a second, I just let myself indulge, blocking out everything else while I just let myself feel.
The bell chimes, and we pull apart looking at each other, both knowing we’ll have to head to class soon. Before we’re forced to part ways, I can’t help but to ask again. “So, you really don’t think Cece could have had anything to do with what happened to Kathryn?” The more I say it out loud, the more I’m starting to realize how crazy it sounds.
“I don’t know, you should ask Jax.”
I scoff. “You know I’m not gonna do that.” Wait, why would I ask Jax? “Does he know something?”
Smith’s lips part, but no words come out right away. “Uh. His dad’s gotten pretty involved in the investigation.” That’s not much of an answer.
“Yeah, I kind of got that when he managed to keep anything from hitting the news. And gave you all advice to basically say nothing.” I roll my eyes over it, still surprised no one else seems horrified by how he’s gotten involved.
Smith looks at me funny. “No, I don’t mean like that. The governor’s come down hard on the police department. He told them he’d have funding cut if they didn’t arrest someone soon.” That’s a lot of pressure to put on an investigation, and it comes as quite the surprise to me.
“The governor did that?” That’s a complete one-eighty from what he seemed to be pushing before. This was exactly what I tried to pitch to Jax. If he would just get his dad to grease the wheels a little bit, we might actually find out the truth about what happened to Kathryn. So that her family, and all of us, might finally get to feel a little peace about it. “Why?”
“Like I said, you should ask Jax.” Not happening. But now there’s a thought in the back of my mind. Is it possible that something I said might have gotten through that thick skull of his? Hmm. Let’s get real, it’s not actually likely. The governor probably just decided that was the best tactic for covering his own ass.
Around us, the second bell chimes, and people start hurrying off towards their classes. I’m not really ready, but I don’t exactly have a choice.
“Okay, I really have to get to class,” Smith says, kissing me one last time.
I groan, wishing we could have a do-over of the break. I didn’t even get to enjoy mine, and now we’re back to school for what’s guaranteed to be the most stressful weeks of the whole school year. “Me too,” I grumble. I’m not really thinking about it when my next words slip out. “I’ll see you in a little bit. Love you.”
Uh. Where the hell did that come from?
I’m pretty sure my heart flat lines as we both stand there in stunned silence. He’s as surprised to hear the words as I am to hear myself say them. Great. I definitely needed to add this awkwardness to my long list of bullshit I can’t deal with that at the moment. How long are we both going to stand here not speaking? The longer it drags on, the more awkward my words seem.
“Bye!” I shout in his face before turning on my heel to bolt. It’s basically the worst thing I could have done, reacting in a panic instead of laughing it off. Now he’s going to read too much into it. Because I don’t love Smith… do I? Because surely if I did love him, I wouldn’t be struggling so much with my feelings for other guys. Patrick. Just one guy. Dammit, no, I can’t really pretend I didn’t feel some type of way for Ace, too. That’s really muddled things even more.
I duck my head as I start towards the stairs to the second floor. What the hell am I doing? I’m tired of feeling like a hormonal and emotional mess. Maybe I could use some therapy. Not school therapy, I have zero interest in opening up to strange Dr. Peterson. But maybe talking to someone impartial would help me sort myself out. Surely it at least wouldn’t hurt. I make a mental note to talk to Pearl about it later.
Just before I enter the stairwell, I feel eyes on me and turn to look back. Smith is watching me. I give him a little wave that he returns after a slight hesitation. For some reason, something compels me to turn the opposite direction—where Patrick has reappeared is standing watching me from the opposite side of the hall. Not sure what else to do, I give him a little wave, too. He nods his head slightly, acknowledging me, but not quite waving back.
The next couple weeks are going to be… weird.
Chapter Nineteen
“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. We could bail and do something else, instead,” Ace offers as we stand side by side, staring up at the beautiful old historic building where prom is being held. The outside is decorated more like a classy wedding than what I expect a prom to look like. No surprise there. Nikon Park dances were made up of a couple of half-deflated balloons and whatever color streamers the school could buy on discount. Usually something pastel that they bought when Easter stuff went on sale.
It’s not that I haven’t dreamed of this moment. It’s just that now that it’s here, my mind is already being pulled in a million other directions. I don’t feel like there’s any room left in me to just enjoy tonight.
“It’s okay,” I tell Ace, “I still want to do this.”
He takes my arm to help me up the extravagant stone staircase, nodding at a couple o
f the teachers on chaperone duty as we pass them keeping watch outside. I’m glad he’s here with me. Thankfully, he was on board even when I had to admit to him that I’d already told Patrick and Smith I was going to prom with him.
I have to lift the skirt of my dress to avoid tripping over it. Salma helped me pick it out. It’s beautiful, and a little reminiscent of that white dress Sadie gave me that I wore to my welcome party and birthday. It’s got the same intricate lace, just with a whole hell of a lot more material attached. The most important detail this dress shares with that one is that it makes me feel stronger. More fortified against whatever is to come.
Apparently, I really need that tonight. I barely make it through the door before the whispering starts. People turn to stare as I walk in on Ace’s arm. I might have underestimated the confusion it would cause for me to come with him when most people seem to know I’ve got something going on with Smith already. Fewer people seem to know about my thing with Patrick, but that’s also probably because I’m not regularly kissing Patrick in public.
I can feel my blush spreading. “Hey,” Ace draws my attention, “don’t worry what any of them think. Someone is almost guaranteed to get caught having sex or an overdose tonight, so we’ll only be the talk of the party until something else happens.”
I’m surprised that those words actually make me feel better. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own stuff that I’ve started to forget that everyone else here has their own skeletons in their closets. Just because they aren’t the ones being talked about at this moment, doesn’t mean it won’t be their turn soon. God, being a teenager sucks sometimes.
My eyes scan the room looking for friendly faces. Salma’s in the middle of dancing with an underclassman that I’m pretty sure isn’t her date. Leave it to her to steal someone else’s date the second she gets here.