by Blair Holden
Keeping my eyes planted firmly on the ground so that he can’t see the hurt in them, I ask, “So is everything still on like we planned it?”
I can practically hear him gritting his teeth because he knows I’m feeling a little vulnerable right now.
“Yeah, I’ll get done with my last final in a couple of hours and then we’ll drive home.”
“Because you can’t leave your ex-girlfriend stranded on campus?”
He takes a couple of steps forward so that his shoes align with mine. “Because we’re practically neighbors and it would be stupid for us to go home separately. But if anyone asks, I’ll tell them it’s none of their fucking business.”
“Easy there, buddy, we don’t want the other side to see your weakness.”
And because this seems like one of those things that would get him most riled up, referring to myself as his weakness, I should have seen it coming. Cole comes to stand behind me and gently but purposefully pushes at the small of my back, propelling me to move. He walks alongside me as I quietly follow him. I have no idea where he’s taking me, but because his body’s so tense and his expression carefully blank, I have second thoughts about asking him. I know it makes him mad when I’m tough on myself or when I let my insecurity overwhelm me, but I’ve gotten so much better at conquering it lately. But then things like this happen, when I feel that the only reason Cole has to push me away in public is because I’m not good enough, and everything I’ve worked so hard at threatens to topple over.
I still can’t tell where he’s walking toward as we move past the campus eateries and the library. The dorms are still a bit far off, and just as I decide that he’s taking me to my room to lecture me, he turns so that we’re walking toward the football stadium right on the other side of campus. I give him a confused look, which he promptly ignores, and we continue to walk in silence. Once at the stadium, of course the security guard lets us go in without any identification, because who the heck would question the newest football god? But instead of leading me into the stadium that I strategically tend to avoid at all times, Cole leads me to their state-of-the-art gym. His frosty attitude is making me squirm, and I want nothing more than to shake him up and tell him to quit with the attitude.
But I let him lead me past the workout machines and the weights, right into the men’s locker room.
“What are you doing?”
The words are barely out of my mouth when he slams the door shut behind him and presses me up against it. He’s kissing me wildly and unrestrained like he’d been holding back by a thread. I don’t question him, I don’t try to ask him what spurred this on because I know, I know that sometimes his need to feel the safety of our relationship is greater than mine.
Anyone could walk in on us, but he probably knows they won’t. It’s the middle of the day, but most of the players will be taking advantage of their short break from training, packing to go home or studying for finals.
“I can’t wait to be home with you.” He comes up for air and traces my cheek with the back of his hand. “Can’t wait to be around you all the time and not have to think even for a second before doing this.”
He swoops in and kisses me again.
I reciprocate, entwining my arms around his neck and pulling him close.
“I didn’t mean what I said back there. I wasn’t trying to get you to feel sorry for me. Never think that I don’t understand how hard it is for you too.”
The light in his eyes dims a little and he sighs, resting his face in the crook of my neck. His arms go around my waist and I feel his warm breath on my collarbone as he whispers against my skin.
“Sometimes I think about what people would say.” He swallows heavily. Whatever he’s about to tell me must be really difficult for him, so in a feeble attempt to comfort him, I wind my arms around his back and rest my chin on his shoulder, my hands gently stroking his back. There isn’t even an inch of space remaining between us now.
“What if I no longer wanted to play the game?”
I stop breathing.
“For no other reason than the fact that it no longer gives me that rush of adrenaline I always craved. Do you think they’ll understand or call me weak? If I throw it all away, all the plans people have for me, what then? What about you, Tessie? If I just gave it all up, would you think less of me?”
My heart breaks for him. A shudder passes through his body and instinctively, I pull him even closer, hold him tighter, and tell him the words that he needs to hear more often from the people that care about him.
“You’re one of the greatest people I’ve ever met. Maybe I don’t say this to you enough, but you’re the kind of person who makes people light up with joy when you’re around them. You make people feel good about themselves, you radiate with happiness and kindness. You’ve got such a beautiful spirit, Cole. You took a broken girl and pieced her back together. You’ve shown me so much love that sometimes it makes it difficult for me to breathe because I love you just as much. If something as small as choosing not to play football will make people think less of you, then they don’t deserve to be in your life. And guess what? I’m not planning on going anywhere.”
He starts to say something and I hold my breath, because I can’t help but feel that he’s hiding something from me. Football has been a part of him for as long as I can imagine, and for him to think about quitting, I know the reason must go deeper than what he’s telling me, but I don’t probe him. It might be something I regret later, but right now he just needs me to be there for him.
Something changes between us then, perhaps the acknowledgment of the fact that we’re a permanent thing in each other’s lives, and that no matter what happens, the one constant we can rely on is each other. In a flash we’re a tangle of greedy hands and lips, because that affirmation leaves us greedy for each other; no amount of closeness is good enough.
We need to be closer.
And the rest fades away.
***
Cami, Sarah, and I exchange gifts before we head off to our homes. Yes, we’d repeatedly told one another to not bother with presents, but it’s apparent that no one listened, and now I’m the proud owner of a very cute sweater, and a mug that says “Best Boyfriend Ever” with an image of what I’m pretty sure are Cole’s abs, and a calendar that has a different photograph of Cole for each month. I’m not sure whether to be touched or creeped out by her gift, but in the end, I decided that I love them. They’re clearly not meant to be used in public, but I still cherish her thoughtfulness.
I give Sarah a boxed set of Felicity since we started watching it together and she really likes it so far. Cami is much harder to shop for, but I end up getting her two tickets to a music festival, which I know for a fact that Parker, Cole’s teammate that she’s crushing really hard on, also desperately wants to go to. She squeals when she sees the tickets, and then I casually suggest how she uses the other ticket. Yup, my job here is done.
We say goodbye and it’s just a little bit teary, which is ridiculous, since we’re seeing each other in little less than a month. But it just goes to show how far I’ve come since being the girl that no one knew existed in the first couple of months here. Now I have friends, people I care about and people who I know have my back. I laugh a little as I think about how hard Bentley had blushed when I’d given him his present, something I’d splurged on. He’d badly needed some new running shoes but had been putting off buying them, so I got him those. I’d given him a card too, telling him the things I couldn’t say, because he deserved to know just how much I appreciated everything he did for me. He’d resisted the gift, but then awkwardly rummaged through his bag and thrust a neatly wrapped present toward me, saying that I’d have to accept his gift if I wanted him to keep mine.
So I now own a fitness journal to chronicle all the ways I suffer in the gym.
My heart feels full with joy as I trek back across campus to where Cole’s waiting with his car. My suitcase is already in the trunk, so we’re ready
to drive off and...
Behold the chairman of the grabby hands committee.
I grit my teeth as I walk in on a poor, defenseless Cole backed into a corner by yet another soul-sucking leech with zero percent body fat. She doesn’t seem to understand that he’s obviously uncomfortable with her presence, and she’s doing everything but attempting to climb up his body. Sighing, I quicken my pace until I reach them and prepare myself to do some damage.
“I can’t believe this! You’re already looking for another hookup?”
Cole’s eyes widen as he mistakes my anger as being directed toward him. But we don’t have time to discuss the semantics. Little Miss Bleach Blonde also directs her attention toward me and glares. “Aren’t you his ex? Are you stalking him, weirdo?”
I give her a sympathetic smile, like I’m on her side. “I’m assuming that you only feel the need to mark your territory like a dog because you want to sleep with him?”
She stutters, turns a little red, but holds her ground. “That might be my intention—
why?”
“Well, you might want to do a little research before you get to that point.” I pretend to stare at Cole with horror. “Why do you think we broke up? But if you’re okay with his test results, then who am I to question your judgment?”
I think he’s finally caught on.
Cole struggles not to laugh as the girl’s jaw nearly comes unhinged. She backs away slowly and then looks mournfully at Cole like he’s the cupcake she knows she can’t have after dinner. The poor thing looks so crestfallen that I have half a heart to tell her I’m kidding, but then she’s walking so fast that I can’t really get a word in.
“I...and you...well, I’ll see you later!” she screeches and runs away, and as soon as she’s out of earshot, Cole doubles over laughing.
I pretend to dust my hands. “Works like a charm every single time.”
My boyfriend wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. “With the way you’re going at it, you’re going to convince the entire country that I have some horrible, unspeakable disease.”
“I might as well have been talking about mono. You’re so quick to assume,” I say lightly but end up laughing as well. The look on that girl’s face is going to make my entire journey.
Speaking of the car journey, it’s tense even after the moment of lightness we had earlier in the parking lot. The weight of Cole’s confession hangs over us, and I can see him thinking, making things bigger than they need to be. He’s killing himself inside his own head and I want to shake him up good, tell him that no one in their right mind would think any less of him if he chooses not to play anymore. But I also know that he needs some time to himself, to come to terms with his decision, whatever it may be.
We reach home more than an hour later than it usually takes us because of the holiday traffic. As soon as we step into my house, I feel a sense of peace. The last month has been such an emotional and mental roller coaster ride that I need some stability and a moment to catch a breath. I think Cole feels the same way since he flops down onto my bed and sighs with relief.
“Can I just stay here forever?”
“In my bedroom?”
“Home, wherever you are.”
I sit down next to him and run my fingers though his hair and then smooth the creases forming on his forehead.
“You have to leave shortly after Christmas, don’t you?”
His team made it to the National Championships. Yes, we choose not to discuss football a whole lot, but that doesn’t mean I’m not invested in his game, because it’s something he works so hard for. I’m incredibly proud of him and how much he pushes himself to win. So the fact that he’s playing for something that could be the highlight of his college football career makes me ecstatic.
“It’s going to be amazing, you know. Once you get back on the field with the guys, you’ll realize just how much you love what you do. Maybe you don’t love the game enough to make a career out of it, and I guess that’s where you’ll have to really think about it. Do you want to go pro? You’re so intelligent, Cole; not every football player puts in the work and commitment toward an engineering degree. It comes so naturally to you, you never have to struggle at school. What I’m saying is, you could do whatever you want and you’d be brilliant at it.”
An expression I can’t quite understand falls on his face. “What if I stop being good at it? What if it’s no longer natural to me?”
Again the feeling that he’s not telling me something important claws at me, but as soon as he creates an opening for me to ask the important questions, he closes his eyes, looking weary and bone-tired. I think this relaxes him, and as my fingers trace the dark circles beneath his eyes from the countless nights he’s stayed up having these wild thoughts, I want nothing more than for him to have some quiet and a little less noise in his head. Sure enough, as I continue to run my fingers through his hair and give him a head massage, he falls asleep, right there in the middle of my bed, with his long legs dangling off it. Smiling to myself, I press a quick kiss to his forehead and leave him. The boy needs some rest.
***
My dad isn’t home right now but the housekeeper seems to have made sure that everything’s ready for the holidays and for my arrival. There’s a huge tree in our living room that’s obviously professionally decorated. We don’t have special or meaningful ornaments or heirlooms; as our family disintegrated, so did the traditions, but it’s nice to see that Dad’s making a conscious effort to get us back on track even if it is through hired help.
I heat up a roast chicken dinner and begin to eat it on the kitchen counter when the man himself walks in. For a man well into his fifties, my father is in pretty good shape, and the fact that he still manages to date women half his age reaffirms that. He’s tall and in good shape; given his position as the mayor, he also like to dress well and has a bit of a Pierce Brosnan vibe going on. We’ve had our ups and downs, but in the end, he’s come out as the parent that actually cares.
His face lights up as he sees me, and I’m pretty sure he forgot that I was coming home today. Oh well, I can’t blame him as his job takes up more than enough of his time.
“Honey,” he rounds the counter and kisses the top of my head, “when did you get here?”
I stop inhaling my food for a second and push my plate and utensils away, hugging him around the waist.
“Just an hour or so ago; I figured you’d be coming home soon, so I wanted to surprise you.”
“You don’t think I forgot, did you? I’ve had the date marked on my calendar for days, but something came up at the office and...I don’t want to bore you with the details. Eat! I’ll be right back.”
He looks so animated and happy that I don’t feel guilty for thinking that he’s much better off without my mom. I finish my food and then text my brother, confirming when his flight’s going to land. These days he and Beth are looking for an apartment near Berkeley, where they’ll both be going to school in the coming semester. I’m so proud of Travis for rebuilding his life and of Beth for moving on from such a big tragedy and then staying by my brother’s side for so long. Yes, it’s sad to think about how far away they’re moving, but it’s the right step in the right direction for them.
“Cole’s car is outside, is he here?”
Dad’s changed from his suit into a pair of well-worn jeans and a sweater and taken a seat at the counter opposite me.
“He fell asleep and I couldn’t find it in me to wake him up. He’s been so tired lately.”
“College and football will do that to you. And how about you? Anything new happen since we talked on the phone last week? Are we still doing okay in classes? Are you partying? Have you figured out the meaning of life through a questionable substance legal only in twenty-three states plus the District of Columbia?”
I laugh at that one because yeah, if alcohol manages to turn me into Charlie Sheen on fleek, I can only imagine what drugs would do, medicinal or not.
“No,
Father, I’m still boring old me, and this conversation can’t distract me from asking you what happened to the giant jar of Nutella I left behind when I last visited?”
He coughs, then turns red, which is totally unexpected. I suspected he threw it out, but what he actually says simply blows my mind.
“Well, I...” he hesitates even more, “I’m dating someone and she’s a big fan of pancakes with that chocolate spread of yours all over them. She makes them for us on Sundays.”
I blink a couple of times.
Then blink again.
Sunday breakfasts? And a woman who makes him Nutella pancakes? And in order to make those pancakes, she’d have to be in our house. Dad’s girlfriends never make it to the house, so it’s a massive deal that she’s staying over.
“Wow...that’s something. Have I met her?”
He exhales, relieved that I’m not breaking dishes. “You haven’t, actually. She’s on the board of an environmental action committee, and the first time I saw her was when she barged into my office telling me I’m destroying the planet.”
“That’s nice—she likes to tell it as it is.”
My dad grins, like a stupid, infatuated, teenager grin, and you can see the hearts appearing in his eyes. Oh boy.
“Her name’s Danielle. She’s been working with my office to try to make our town more eco-friendly. You’ll like her,” he says, and there’s so much hope in his eyes that even if she turns out to be the stepmother from Disney movies past, I will force myself to like her.
“I’d love to meet her; why don’t you invite her over for dinner when Travis gets back?”
“Yeah? You think that’d be a good idea?”
“I think it’d be great.”
“Thanks, kiddo, you just lifted so much weight off my chest. I’ll ask her soon.”
And that’s that.
***
Cole sleeps in for a good couple of hours. By the time he gets up, its dark outside and I’ve already paid a visit to Cassandra and Sheriff Stone so that they aren’t out of their minds with worry. Cole looks adorable with his sleep-rumpled hair and the lost expression on his face when he can’t place himself for a second.