by Blair Holden
“What makes you say that?” He comes closer and glances at his phone that I hold up.
“You kept getting texts, I checked to make sure there wasn’t something wrong back home and...”
“You saw that the people I go to school with are divas.”
“They seem pretty angry.”
“They’re grown men and women who’re throwing tantrums.” He takes the phone from my hand and scrolls through his messages, the frown on his face getting worse as he continues. I see him bite back a curse, but then he turns his phone off and tosses it away.
“Problem solved.”
Cole cups my face in his hands and gives me a deep kiss. “I know you’re worried. I know you’re overthinking and making up a hundred different reasons to blame yourself for my being here, but guess what? I want to be here when I can. Those guys? I did my part of the project way before it was due because I had this trip planned for weeks. If they can’t get their shit together and do their own part of the job, it’s not on me to babysit them. Please, please stop worrying.”
I bite my lip. “But you have to promise you’ll tell me when school gets too tough or when you don’t have time. I love you for flying out to see me, but you can’t keep doing this. I want you to concentrate and I want you to kick butt in school. You realize that a lawyer version of you is the thing fantasies are made up of, right?”
His eyes grow big and he pulls me flush against his body.
“You have lawyer fantasies?”
I roll my eyes. “Who doesn’t? Haven’t you seen Suits?”
“This is the first time I’m hearing about it, Shortcake, you’ve been holding out on me. So what do these fantasies usually entail?”
I feel my cheeks get hot and I duck my head to avoid looking at him. Sometimes I tend to overshare; this would be one of those times.
And yes, there is such a thing as oversharing with a guy who has seen you naked.
Luckily the buzzer saves me from divulging any more secrets, and the promise of food is enough to make Cole let me go.
“You know I’m going to find out, right, with some deeply vivid description.”
“Such a pervert,” I toss out at him as I go to get our food.
“Never forget that I’m your pervert.” He gently eases me out of the way to make sure I don’t end up paying for the food.
“Go set up a movie, any movie. I’m sorry I fell asleep and ruined our plans. Unleash whatever historical romance nightmare you’d like me to watch.”
“What if it’s a musical?”
“That’s an even more fitting punishment.” He hangs his head in shame. “I’ll sit through it, and if need be, even break out into song with you. But tomorrow, we do everything you’ve been planning for us to do together, okay, Shortcake?”
“Deal!”
***
The time that he’s here is slipping by way too fast and as Saturday dawns, I find myself close to tears, which makes me feel ridiculous because I thought I’d found a way to cope with missing him all the time. But I think that has a lot to do with the time we’d spent not seeing each other, the time when what I’d been missing wasn’t right in front of me. But in the short time he’s been here, I already realize that not being with Cole every single day has removed something very significant from my life. It’s made me realize just how much my happiness is tethered to being surrounded by him.
As if he realizes that I’m awake and thinking some not-so-pleasant thoughts, Cole tightens his arms around me and pulls me closer to his warm, naked chest.
“What time is it, Tessie?” He doesn’t open his eyes, but his hand gently strokes the small of my back, the one way he knows for sure that my body will unwind.
“About five a.m.”
“You feeling the need to go on a morning run?”
I shudder at the thought. “Not even in my worst nightmare would I come up with that possibility.”
“Then go back to sleep, babe.” HIs voice is hoarse, on his face a sexy five o’clock stubble.
“What if I want to stay up and look at your face?”
“That’d be creepy. Plus, lack of sleep makes you cranky, I’d rather not have you breathing fire at everyone who comes near you today.”
“You make a good point.” He knows me too well.
“C’mere,” he says in that sexy, raspy voice of his, and I snuggle even closer, if that’s possible. The only thing I’ve got on is his shirt because I just can’t sleep naked, and the thin fabric does little to provide any barrier between our bodies. His warmth seeps into my skin and lulls me back to sleep. The last thought I have before going back to sleep is that he’s ruined this bed for me. I’ll never be able to sleep in it without thinking just how much better it could be if he were here for me.
***
“So since I ruined our plans yesterday, I thought we’d do something a little special today.” Cole’s making us breakfast the next morning. Well, actually it’s the afternoon since we had slept in, and to justify the fact that it’s nearly noon, getting out of a bed when Cole Stone is hell-bent on snuggling? A tween would find it easier to resist velour tracksuit bottoms.
“You don’t have to, Cole. I’m perfectly happy with staying in; besides, we’re meeting Travis and Beth for drinks later tonight anyway.”
“But I’d like to spend some time out together, without your brother looking at the two of us like we’re ticking time bombs.”
“He does not! Wait, does he?”
“They’re worried, Tessie, everyone is, and I’m sick of trying to tell them that we’re making it work.”
The first person that comes to my mind is Cassandra. It may have been a long time since things went sour between Cole’s stepmom and me, but sometimes it still feels as though it only happened yesterday. I guess things that hurt you as much as Cassandra’s words hurt me always leave their mark. Since telling me that I was the reason her family and her son were falling apart and later apologizing to me for it, Cassandra has gone out of her way to make up for her behavior, and I’ve tried my best to not make her feel bad about it, but our relationship has been strained and awkward ever since. In her head, Cole took my side and not hers when it all went south, and I still feel that resentment from her. Given the fact that I don’t want to create a rift among my boyfriend’s family, I don’t see them as often as I used to. I know that it makes Cole unhappy; he’s not completely clueless and knows that his mom and I aren’t on the best terms and he’s okay with it.
It has meant that over the years, holidays have been spent apart and there’s been a lot of traveling back and forth. We’re still working on being completely functional, but we’re getting there.
Slowly.
“The next time my parents bring up the long-distance thing, I’m just going to put it out there that they’re the same people who wanted us to put some space between us right after college,” I tell Cole and silently drool at the image of him standing in the kitchen. The tight undershirt he’s got on leaves little to the imagination, and I can tell that he’s been hitting the gym a little hard lately.
Five years have changed both of us, and while I try my best to have a somewhat healthy lifestyle and not pile on the pounds I’d worked so hard to lose in the first place, Cole’s body has become...how do I even describe something so decadent?
Even though he’s stopped playing collegiate football, that hasn’t stopped him from being an absolute fitness junkie. His tall frame is definitely more defined now, his muscles broader, his chest even more chiseled, and don’t even get me started on those forearms.
I always did have a weakness for them, and as he flexes them, even now, I can’t help but swoon.
His hair’s slightly longer at the top, falling into his eyes, which I know he hates. He must have forgotten to schedule an appointment with the hairdresser, which was something I usually did for him. The strange, melancholy feeling is back in the pit of my stomach. I wonder if he’s all right, I wonder if he has someone to look after him, I wonde
r if there’s someone he can talk to when I’m not there.
I know I shouldn’t be having these thoughts, but I’ve lived with this boy for the last almost four years of my life. I know his routine inside out, I know him inside out. I know how easy it is for him to lose himself in his work and forget to take good care of himself. As a team we worked well together, and I somehow balanced his workaholic tendencies and he always motivated me to push myself harder when I’d let my procrastination get the best of me.
We’re still a team, but being so far away makes it just that much more difficult to work together.
“You want to go to Central Park?”
“Sorry?” I’d lost myself in my thoughts once again.
“I was just asking if there was something you wanted to do?”
“Not much really.” I rack my brain. My time with him is limited; come Monday he’ll be gone and I’d think of a thousand different things I wish I could experience with him. I’ve been to New York plenty of times but have never lived her for a long period of time. I’ll get to experience a completely different side of it as a resident, and there’s no one other than Cole who’d I have standing by my side.
“There’s this exhibition at The Met I really wanted to see.”
He nods. “We’ll do that then.”
I wish life were always this simple.
Chapter Three: You’re an Ovary Whisperer
I don’t have a history of doing well with the first day starting anything new. You bet I cried my eyes out when I first started kindergarten, and, to be completely honest, I may or may not have been close to tears during the first days of every new school that followed, yes, even high school. I don’t like change, I don’t like that fear and the anxiety that comes with not knowing if you’ll have someone to sit with at lunch. Many a times I’d be the girl hunched down in a bathroom stall during the lunch break because at the time it seemed infinitely more embarrassing to be sitting alone in the cafeteria. New places, new people, fresh starts? I haven’t had the best history with them and I don’t think that’s going to change soon. I don’t have the kind of personality that attracts people. I want to appear friendly and I want to make new friends, but that is a lot harder when your people skills stopped developing at age six. Or at least that’s what I think happened to me; science and medical research can do their best to prove otherwise.
“I’m going to puke.”
I actually do think I will. I’m currently curled up on the bathroom floor, hugging the bathtub and pressing the side of my face to the cool surface. I’ve been like this for the past hour, ever since I got up way earlier than the time I’d set my alarm for. In fact, I’d been tossing and turning the entire night, my nerves having gotten the better of me.
Beside me, the light of my life, the only person who understands why on earth I look deathly pale and risk throwing up my insides out the day I’m supposed to start a new job, crouches down and runs a hand through my matted hair.
“How about I make you a cup of tea? It’ll settle your stomach.”
“I don’t think I can eat or drink anything right now.”
“What about a bath? It’ll help calm you down.”
“You could try but,” I moan and clutch my stomach, “I doubt it’ll help. You know this always ends up happening to me.”
“I do, but I also know that you never let your nerves get the best of you. We’ve got a couple of hours to go till you’re supposed to show up to work. We’ve got this, Tessie; come on, let me help you up.”
I take solace in his embrace as he literally lifts me from the floor and sets me on the sink counter. While he runs a bath, I also hear him run off to put on the kettle, and I use that time to attempt to pull myself together. I’d been dreading this Monday ever since I realized that there is supposed to be an actual point to applying for jobs. Your application doesn’t disappear into thin air. For some unfathomable reason, if someone decides to hire you, you’ve got to show up.
After my interview, where I’d gone in with chipped nail polish and mascara smudged halfway down my face. They must have been pretty desperate to fill the position if they hired me, because working at a beauty magazine? Yeah, I’m not the most suited to the job. Hence why I’m up before dawn today feeling like my insides are churning.
Once the bath fills up, Cole lifts me up in his arms and places me inside it after helping me take off my sleep shirt. A part of me hates being treated like an invalid, a child who needs to be handled carefully. It would’ve been better if I’d shown him during this trip that I am fully capable of taking care of myself, but I’m doing the exact opposite, which means that he’ll feel horrible when he flies home tonight. The thought makes me feel worse.
“I put in some of the pink bubble bath you keep in the cabinet and the salts. You want me to bring you your Kindle?”
This is routine for us whenever I have any kind of panic attack. Cole knows how to bring me back from that precipice, and for now I let him take care of me. I don’t want to think about what would have happened had he not been here today. Maybe I’d have hidden in my bed the entire day and not even shown up for work?
The anxiety and fear aren’t anything new to me; I’ve been battling them for so long that the feelings almost seem more comfortable and familiar than being brave.
“Yes, please.” I smile, but he sees right through my bullshit.
“Too bad, I actually want to talk.” He looks absolutely serious.
“Can I get my tea first? I think I might need it to have this conversation.”
He sighs but returns with a mug that I settle on the lips of the bathtub.
Having this conversation with me naked and with my modesty only covered by a whole lot of bubbles should obviously tip things in favor of Cole, but his eyes aren’t going anywhere but to my face. I don’t feel vulnerable or have the urge to put on actual clothes because he’s not focusing on my body right now.
“What’s got you worried, Shortcake? I thought we discussed this; you’re going to be absolutely fine.”
“It’s not that easy,” I mumble, ducking my head to avoid meeting his eyes.
“Then make me understand, please. You graduated damn near top of the class, you’ve had great job offers, you’re brilliant at what you do and the most hardworking person I know. You have no reason to be afraid.”
But I do, and how do I put this into words?
“But what if what matters is not what’s in my head? What if no one cares about what my GPA in college was or how highly celebrated my thesis was? I bet no one in the office wants to hear about all the books that I’ve read or that I worked my butt off as the editor-in-chief of the school paper. That doesn’t matter in the real world, Cole. People want someone they can go out for drinks with, or I don’t know? It’s trendy to go clubbing in this city. They want someone they can giggle about their boyfriends with on Taco Tuesday and talk about whatever low-carb diet they’re currently on. I’m not a girl’s girl, Cole; I don’t know how to be that person.”
It all comes out in a rush and I have a lot more to say, but I start feeling slightly out of breath, knowing that I’m pushing myself right to the very edge of going totally hysterical. If I don’t stop now, I’m going to need to breathe into a paper bag.
Cole looks perplexed, to say the least. He’s watching me with a mixture of concern, shock, and of course, affection. He crouches down so that we’re at eye level and cups the side of my face. I force myself to not get distracted by his naked chest, but of course, no better time to appreciate your boyfriend’s fine, fine body than when your entire world seems to be falling apart.
“Okay, I want you to do two things for me, okay? Two very simple things, think you can do that for me, Tessie?”
I think I nod.
“First breathe, please just breathe. You’re starting to look a little blue.”
Since I am starting to feel a little light-headed, I do what he says and take some deep breaths.
“Second thing
, tell me the one reason you agreed to take this job in the first place, the most important reason.”
I give him the stink eye because he knows he’s got me there. All my worries about not fitting all, all the fears about finding myself right back at the first day of school seem trivial when I compare it with the purpose behind taking this job.
“Because I wanted to work as much as I could straight out of college. I wanted all the experience, the long hours, I wanted to know the ins and outs of this industry so that maybe, one day I could have my own little publishing house.”
“And today’s the first step toward that dream of yours; you and I both know that. There’s nothing to be afraid of, especially not when you’ve got your goal in sight.”
“My goal isn’t the problem! It’s all the other stuff in between, mostly people.”
“No one who works with you could ever dislike you, Tessie. Hell, by the time we left school, you had the barista at the cafe on campus crying because he was so sad to see you go. Why don’t you get it?”
“Get what?” I huff.
I’m aware that the bubbles are at risk of disappearing, and while I’m more than comfortable around Cole, this conversation requires some less accidental flashing of body parts. So I pour a whole lot of bubble bath and make sure to lather up.
“I can’t believe we’re having this conversation in a bathtub.” I huff.
“What you don’t get is that you have a light around you, Shortcake. You draw people toward you, whether or not you think you’re doing that. You’re kind, sweet, you make people feel good about themselves. How could they not love you? You just have to try opening yourself up, even if it’s a little.”
I will not cry, I will not cry, I refuse to cry.
Damn it, I’m crying.
Cole laughs as I wipe my tears away. “You really were born to be a lawyer. That was pretty convincing and probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me.”
He leans over the tub and gives me a deep, drugging kiss, and by the time he pulls away, I feel light-headed again, but for a completely different reason.