by Sean Kennedy
Sometimes I was so fucking tired of it all, this added stress to living our lives together.
Dec turned around and kissed me, slowly, deeply, but also a little frenzied—much like the first kiss we had shared underneath a tree beside the Carlton cemetery. I had never thought I would ever have a kiss like that again, but I’d had seven years’ worth.
Lucky seven. I wanted seventy more.
THE HOSPITAL bed was the same as any other hospital bed—slightly misshapen with scratchy sheets that together seemed to deliberately taunt you with their inferiority to the bed you loved at home. The robe was fabric this time, a ghastly green that matched the anxious nausea churning away in Dec but that I refused to acknowledge in myself.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Don’t worry about me.” He was gnawing on his cheek now. “Are you okay?”
“Don’t worry about me.” It was an echoed tease, but it didn’t get through to him. He looked exasperated more than anything. It made what I was about to say next even more difficult.
“Hey.”
He came and sat next to me again. “What?”
“If anything happens—”
“Don’t,” he said harshly. “Don’t you even start.”
“You heard what they said earlier. That anything can happen under anaesthetic—”
“That’s just them covering their arses, so don’t even think about it.”
“Just—”
“Simon.” His tone brooked no argument.
Maybe I was just being my usual dramatic self. He had to tire of it sooner or later, and hey, he’d had seven years to store it all up until he exploded.
“Can I say just one thing?” I asked.
“Depends.”
I took his hand. “I love you.”
His face fell. “Oh, Simon, I love you too.”
“I know.”
“I just don’t want to hear you tempt fate, okay?”
“I didn’t know you were so superstitious.” Fortunately we didn’t have to walk under ladders as we entered the hospital, nor had any black cats crossed our path. I kind of wished one had so we could take it home. But I feared Maggie’s response. She’d been a single child for too long.
He kissed my hand. “I am today.”
“Come here.”
When he stood up and leaned over me, his lips hovered just above mine, and I was freaked out by the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. I didn’t say anything, as I was scared it could let the floodgates open. Instead I kissed him and hoped that the orderlies would never come for me.
But they did.
“I’ll be here,” Dec said, as if he would be anywhere else.
“So will I, soon,” I promised him. And quite honestly, I didn’t have any doubts about that. What lay next, I had no idea. But I knew I would see him again.
He would be there, just as I expected him to be. Needed him to be.
Wanted him to be.
ONLY WHEN they wheeled me into the operating theatre and the bright sterility of the lights shone in my face did I think about the reality of Dec’s situation.
He was going to be waiting hours, by himself, stressing and unable to distract himself.
I had forced that upon him. He should have had someone with him, looking out for him.
I had only been thinking of myself. I should have thought of him too.
If I could have, I would’ve jumped out of the bed there and then and run to the waiting area to find him, my hospital gown flapping and exposing my bare arse to anybody unlucky enough to be in my vicinity. And I wouldn’t have cared. Because I was a fucking arsehole.
“Simon,” Doctor Hew said as the anaesthetist lowered the mask over my face. “Can you please start counting back from ten for me?”
Cool, metallic-tasting air forced its way into me. I flinched a little, but a hand rested on my shoulder and gently held me down.
“It’s okay, Simon. Just count down from ten.”
It was too late to do anything else now. “Ten… nine….”
That was as far as I got. I think.
Second Quarter
Chapter Eight
“SIMON?”
I was struggling against the heavy weight of sleep, although I knew, on some level, it was more than sleep. And I was in pain. It was emanating from between my legs and spreading upwards, and I had a muted sense of clarity as I remembered where I was and the reason for it.
I opened my eyes to see a friendly-looking nurse staring down at me. “Hi, Simon. How are you feeling?”
“Sore,” I rasped. It wasn’t just my balls now, I could feel it in my throat too. I remembered that they put some kind of breathing tube down you when they’ve knocked you out, and I swallowed heavily—which didn’t help.
“Do you know what year it is?” she asked.
“2016.”
“And can you tell me who our prime minister is?”
With the way Australian politics was going at the moment, it could be anybody. “If it’s Tony Abbott again, just please stick me back under. And never wake me up.”
She laughed. “You seem okay. We’ll let your partner know.”
He’s meant to be my husband.
That was a strange thought to occur to me now. “Can I see him?”
“In a bit,” she replied. “You just need to rest a little bit more while we watch you.”
I was going to call her a voyeur, but I am pretty sure I slipped back into sleepy time before I could open my mouth.
WHEN I next opened my eyes, I was back in my room, and Dec was sitting next to the bed, his chin resting on his hand as he slept. Night had fallen, and I stared out the window for a moment, looking at the lights of the city beyond it.
“You’re awake,” Dec said, springing out of the chair and across to me in one bound. “Why didn’t you wake me?”
“You were asleep.” My voice was still croaky.
“Idiot.”
I knew I must be okay, because he would never have called me that if there had been a problem with the procedure.
He kissed me gently, having to manoeuvre around the breathing tube in my nose.
“You smell,” I teased him.
Dec smiled back. “Stress sweat.”
“Did they get it all?”
“My stress sweat? Yeah, it’s pretty much dried.”
I was meant to be the joker around here. I scrunched up my nose and remembered it had equipment in it. “Just tell me.”
He nodded, but there was something in his expression. “They got it all.”
“Oh god,” I said. “They one-balled me.”
“They had to remove the testicle, as the lump was starting to grow around it. They couldn’t risk it.”
“Good thing you said you would love my lopsided balls.” I paused. “Ball.”
“Simon, it doesn’t change anything, you know that, right?”
Seriously, losing a ball wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to a person. Especially if you were already sterile. “No, it doesn’t. But I guess I’ll never win any testicular beauty pageants now.”
“You’re impossible.” His thumb stroked my chin. “But you’re my impossibility.”
“Kiss me, you two-balled freak.”
He did so, although he was groaning at the same time, probably wondering how long I was going to abuse that joke.
I HAD drifted off to sleep again, and I was glad to see Dec, as I woke feeling like I had the worst jet lag in the history of humankind. Luckily they must have had me on good painkillers, as the ache between my legs was now a dull throb. I hoped they would keep me in steady supply.
“Have you gone home?” I asked.
He shook his head.
“Dec….”
“Like I would leave you.”
I tried to sit up a little but pain threw me back. Dec was immediately by my side.
“Don’t try to move.”
“What, forever?”
He rolled his
eyes. “If only.”
“Oh, so you want me to be a captive in my bed for the rest of time?”
He lifted me slightly so he could readjust my pillows, and I found I was now more upright, which took the pressure off me slightly. I sighed with relief as I settled back against the still-scratchy linen.
“Not this bed,” he said with a little wink.
“Oh, that’s cruel,” I murmured. “Tease the poor guy whose nether regions probably aren’t going to get any attention for a while as he heals.”
“Then think of how much fun it will be when you get to use them again.”
I was thankful I was so drugged up, because I was scared my stitches might have pulled as he used his sexy voice on me. “Hey, Dec?”
Settling back into his seat, he grinned with satisfaction. “Yeah, Simon? What?”
“I was a fucking dick to you earlier.”
“You’re going to have to be more specific than that.”
“I was just thinking of myself—”
“Again, be more specific.”
Oh, he was really enjoying himself. The doctors must have told him I was immortal.
Nevertheless, I persisted. “When I said you couldn’t tell anybody. It wasn’t fair on you. Just before they put me under, all I could think about was how you were alone in the waiting room, and I was so mad with myself. It was selfish, and a dick move.”
“I forgive you,” Dec said magnanimously.
“No, seriously, it was—”
At that moment Dec’s mum, Sylvie Rae, swanned in and beamed at seeing me awake. “Simon, honey, I could kiss you and beat you silly.”
I looked over at Dec, who at least had the good sense to look apologetic.
DEC’S MUM had brought him fresh clothes, and he asked the nurse if he could use my shower. As Declan Tyler, Ex-Football God (TM), could usually charm anybody he shared space with, he was immediately given permission, and I tried not to think about his body as the water ran in the en suite.
“Don’t be mad at him,” Rae—only Dec’s dad called her Sylvie—said, making herself comfortable in Dec’s chair.
“I’m not,” I told her. “I was a dick to ask him to keep it to himself.”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” she said with a wan smile. “But I’m glad he wasn’t alone. It’s a burden to be the healthy partner when the person you love is sick.”
I could tell we were both thinking back to when Dec’s father had a heart attack. Dec was still closeted, and I had snuck over to St. Vincent’s Hospital to show my support and then felt like shit when I had to leave him to go back to the waiting room without me. It had been hard enough watching him walk through the sliding doors, his shoulders slumped, but being unable to properly support him in a time when he needed me was a thousand times worse.
“I’m glad he wasn’t either.”
“You have to let people help you in times of need,” Rae said, but it wasn’t an admonishment or a lecture. “You can’t go it alone.”
“I was scared,” I admitted. “I thought if everybody else was in the dark, it would be fine.”
“That never works.”
“Yeah, I know that now. But I felt that if I said anything, it would give them something to worry about and cause it to come true. It sounds ridiculous.”
But it didn’t really. We were still in limbo, awaiting the test results.
And if Rae knew, I was sure Barry knew as well. Rae wouldn’t keep anything from her husband, nor Dec from his father if he’d let his mum know.
Which meant I had to tell my parents before they found out of their own accord.
I COULDN’T face doing that until I was home, however. Modern medicine meant that was two days, once the doctors were satisfied with how I was faring. I was up at six the next morning, as I knew they would be doing the rounds where it would be decided if I could go home or not. There was no way I was going to be staying in hospital a second longer than I had to.
“How are you feeling?” Dec asked. He hadn’t wanted to get my hopes up, and I could tell he would have preferred I was in hospital even longer to make sure I was okay.
Which I told him I was. “A bit sore. Not too bad. I just want to go home.”
And it seemed the gods were smiling upon me. They cleared me for discharge, although I had to come back in a couple of days for a check-up and the results, if they were in.
Dec, however, frowned.
“I’m starting to think you don’t want me home,” I said.
“Of course I want you home. I want to get back in my own bed as well. And I’m sure Maggie’s been pining for you too.” Rae, bless her, had been in to feed Maggie while we were away.
“Aww, she loves you as well, and you know it.”
“Look, you’re going to have to at least fill Coby in. He won’t believe a flu shot has had you out for this long.”
I sighed. I didn’t even want to think about it. “I know, I know.”
I had actually buried my head beneath the blankets whenever he called me about some work issue so he wouldn’t hear any hospital background noise and guess where I was. The nurses had found it amusing, although they had seen it all before.
Dec realised I wanted to change the subject. “Shall I get a wheelchair?”
“They cut off a bit of my nuts, not my legs,” I reminded him.
“You don’t have to be so stubborn all the time!”
“It’s like you don’t even know me.” I had the grace to smile at him and let him know I was joking.
But neither was he. Before I knew it, I was being wheeled down the corridors. If he could have strapped me down, he would, but I decided to just enjoy the ride. Although I could think of another ride I’d rather Dec be giving me.
“What did you say?” Dec asked, and I craned my head around to see him looking a mixture of embarrassed and horrified.
Shit, did I say that aloud?
“I said I’ll enjoy the ride.” I smiled up at him, the picture of innocence.
He didn’t look as if he believed me, but I sat back again, as I was getting a bit wheelchair-sick from watching my surroundings going backwards. We pushed out into the light of day again and across the road to the car park.
“Run, Dec, run!” I yelled. “Make me fly!”
Mr. Sensible refused to do that, and we crossed the road at a normal speed.
Dec cleared his throat, and I could tell he was about to say something I wouldn’t like.
“Don’t you think we should—”
“Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say,” I said.
“Everybody else is going to have to know, especially because my parents know, and Coby will have to be filled in ASAP.” Under the car park roof, our voices were echoing. “And if Coby knows, he’ll tell Jasper, and then your parents will be reading about it in the paper before you’ve even said a word.”
“Like my parents would read the ReachOut,” I scoffed.
“Okay, but then Roger and Fran could let it slip. But they might be past caring by then, as they’ll probably have killed you for telling Jasper before them.”
He had a point. But the last thing I wanted to do was talk to anybody else about this. I wanted to extend my stay in Denial and catch a flight a few days later. “They can wait until the results come in,” I told him. “I just don’t want everyone looking at me like you are right now.” Our car was in sight, and Dec jogged us across one last car lane to reach it, a four-second acquiescence to my earlier request.
“You can’t even see my face right now,” he said.
“I can imagine.”
“What?” At the passenger door, he swung me around to face him.
“Like you’re already imagining what to put in my eulogy.”
His face fell, and I was immediately sorry I said it.
“That is not funny!” Dec slammed his hands on the car roof in an explosion of emotion that made me flinch, and he noticed it. He unclenched his fists. “I’m sorry.”
He pulled me out of the chair and in for a hug, and it was so strong, I thought it was likely he would kill me before any tumour could. But I wasn’t going to say that right now. Snarky Simon had to be subdued.
But that was how Simon survived. Who was I, really, without Snarky Simon?
“Let’s not go back to the house.” Dec opened the car door and helped me in. He had already placed a donut cushion there in case I needed it. He thought of everything. “It’s messy and I haven’t had a chance to clean up.”
“What are you suggesting?”
He grinned and closed the door for me.
A LUXURY suite on the top floor of Crown Towers was what he was suggesting.
“Dec, this is ludicrous,” I said. “It’s stupidly expensive. I mean, I’m really fucking scared to ask how much it cost. Probably half our mortgage.”
“I kind of got a deal,” he said, already checking out the complimentary robes that we wouldn’t even have to steal because they came for free with the room.
“Oh god, did you use your celebrity?” I was embarrassed, both for him and myself. More him, because Dec never used his celebrity for ill-gotten gains or personal benefits. It was kind of like witchcraft in that way.
“Let this be the one time I can get away with it without guilt.”
“I don’t know—”
The view from our window exploded with light as one of the fireballs was launched from the pillars outside, turning the room a lurid pumpkin orange. Crown had a number of them that at night went off on the hour. “Fuck yeah!” I yelled, punching the air with my fists. “No guilt, no guilt!”