by Sean Kennedy
“Okay, what if you die?” I asked, a blunt instrument orchestrating doom.
He came to a full stop, speechless.
“Don’t say it’s not going to happen, especially after you were scared I might have only a few months ago.”
He folded his arms, hugging himself.
“I can’t believe you’re not weighing up all the options and possibilities. It must be the first time in your life.”
“You’re being cruel,” he said finally.
“I’m really not,” I told him. “I’m being realistic.”
“You’re being a bastard.”
“Well, you married me. Oh wait, you couldn’t. That’s what we’re up against, Dec.”
“And we’ve always come through.”
“Yes, we have,” I said, “but on their terms.”
“Whose?”
“The man’s.” I made air quotations.
He snorted. “That doesn’t apply to us.”
“Maybe it didn’t, because there were ways we could work around it. But we’re bringing kids into this.”
“You don’t think we deserve children? It’s a bit late now.”
“Of course we deserve kids. But it’s not that easy. It never is.” I was so tired. These were talks we should have had a long time ago, but both of us wanted to remain in the dark and pretend it wasn’t important.
“You sound like you want to give up.”
“No. It’s just that I never thought I’d be feeling like this. I never knew my name on a piece of paper would mean so much to me.”
“Do you think we’re any less of a couple than others we know?”
“Of course not.”
“If it was me who couldn’t have kids, would you feel that made me less of a father to the ones you would have?”
“No.”
“Then why—”
“Because it’s the way I feel!” I yelled. “Fuck, just let me fucking feel it! I didn’t think this would hurt so much, but it does. If we’d both donated and you were the biological father, it wouldn’t have mattered, because the next time it could have been me. But having that tumour, it took away the possibility of it ever being me, and that….”
“I know. I know.”
“And do you know what sucks? I bet you if our positions were reversed, you wouldn’t care. You would just be happy we were having kids.”
There was a long pause. “Maybe not.”
“What?”
“If the possibility was taken from me? Of course it would kill me. But I would eventually get over that. And you will too. As soon as you see these kids when they arrive, it will be different. These kids are ours.” He ran his hands through his hair. He looked exhausted. “Surely we can work around the certificate….”
“We can’t change the law, Dec. It’s out of our hands. What if—” and my voice cracked then because it was giving thought to one of my worst nightmares. “What if you die? I would have no rights—none—to keep the kids.”
“I would write a will giving you guardianship—”
“Guardianship?” I had become quiet again. “So I’m a guardian, not a dad.”
“You will be a dad. To our family.”
“Only to our family. But the law doesn’t give a flying fuck about that, Dec.”
“It’s what we have to do. You don’t think I wish it was different?”
I knew he did. It went without saying. So I hugged him instead.
“I promise you,” he said, his words strong against my ear, drowning out the melancholy wind coming over the field, “when we get back home I’ll speak to my lawyer about fixing this all up. This is our family.”
“I’m sorry I’m being a prick,” I said.
“You’re not. You’re right. I usually think all these things out.”
“To be fair, we’ve had a lot on our minds.”
He started walking us back towards the house. “Let’s get out of the cold.”
“Okay.”
“I promise you, from now on, once we get the legalities done, we will focus on the fun of having a family.”
“I hate to tell you this, but nobody else seems to have done so. A baby is hard work, not fun.” I kept a light tone to my voice so he knew I was only teasing him. To be honest, I was feeling a lot better than I had in ages.
Dec laughed, keeping the joke going. “Oh, hun, that’s what nannies are for.”
“Nah, mannies, Dec. Hunky mannies. And we might need two.”
“One for each of us?”
“No, one for each of the kids.”
He looked at me quizzically.
“Roger ran into Margaret at Piedimonte’s. She told him we’re having twins.”
Sceptical Dec was back on the case. “I think Nyssa’s far enough gone now that she would know if she was carrying twins.”
“I guess. But we can still get the two mannies anyway?”
We were laughing as we reached the back door, only to have Nyssa throw it open and glare down us from the top of the steps. “I hope you’re in a better place right now, because you guys have got to get your shit together.”
A SUBDUED Dec and I were instructed to sit down at the kitchen table while Nyssa sat opposite us. Paddy and the kids were nowhere to be seen, and I wouldn’t have been surprised if Nyssa had bundled them off—or locked them in the basement—so they couldn’t interrupt us.
Nyssa was trying to be stern, which made it more amusing than anything else, because, well, she’s Nyssa. You could also tell she meant it, though. She was as mad as Nyssa could be.
“You boys, and I mean boys, have to start acting as a team, because it’s not going to be just the two of you pretty soon. And from what I’ve seen in the last twenty-four hours, you’ve both been all over the place.”
“I won’t dispute that,” Dec said.
“Just a few teething issues,” I added.
“It better be,” Nyssa said, and now a guilty look came over her. “I was going to save this for the ultrasound tomorrow so it was a surprise, but it’s not just one kid you’re going to be responsible for.”
“Margaret!” I hissed.
Dec practically looked like a human emoticon. “Twins?”
Nyssa stared at me. “Who’s Margaret?”
“Nobody,” I said, just as quickly. “Please don’t say it’s triplets.”
“Twins,” Nyssa confirmed, still giving me a look.
If I had been scared before about having a baby, all my fears were doubled with the knowledge that we were having twins. Couldn’t Margaret have forewarned me? Just a little bit earlier? What kind of local shopping village old psychic lady were you if you could only foretell things mere minutes before they happened?
Dec, on the other hand, looked like he thought everything was going to plan. “Do we know what they are?” He turned to me. “Do we even want to know yet?”
I opened my mouth, briefly wondering whether we should just cancel the ultrasound and wait for Roger’s next shopping trip; thankfully, Nyssa spoke for me.
“I didn’t find out. I thought that should be the surprise for you. Your decision.”
I wanted to be prepared, at least in this instance. “I’d like to know.”
Dec gave me an excited smile. “Yeah. Me too.”
“But I was being serious before,” Nyssa said. “You two have to be on the same page.”
“Are you and Paddy always on the same page when it comes to your kids?” I asked. I had seen Roger and Fran have enough barneys when it came to parenting decisions, so why should Dec and I have to attain some higher standard?
This actually stumped Nyssa. “I guess there are times when we’re not.”
Satisfied, I squeezed Dec’s hand again, letting him know we had just scored a victory.
“But you two have been shocking since you got here.”
“We had a series of speed bumps,” Dec admitted.
“But we shot over them like a bunch of charming rednecks in the General Lee,” I
added.
“You could have just said we got over them,” Dec told me.
“You love my pop culture–laden vernacular.”
Nyssa frowned. “You could have just said ‘talk.’”
“Why are you guys suddenly focusing on my vocabulary?”
“Should I know what the General Lee is?” Nyssa asked.
“It’s kind of racist,” Dec said.
“Well, actually, it’s not kind of racist, it is racist.” It probably wasn’t the best analogy I could have used.
Dec conceded this point with a nod of the head. “I think we’re getting off topic, Simon.”
Nyssa stared us down suspiciously. “You’re certainly starting to sound more like yourselves.”
“Pop culture references save everything,” I declared.
Dec was lost in his thoughts again. “We’re having twins.”
“We sure are,” I said. Even if old fears resurfaced, I had to stop running away from them and leap over them like Bo and Luke across an old gorge.
And I really had to stop making outdated Dukes of Hazzard references.
Team Dec and Simon were on track, always bouncing back together when we felt cornered, even if we had been facing up against each other only moments before. Our worst secrets had been dealt with out on the field, so I knew we would survive this kitchen too.
It was like Dec was reading my mind. “I love you, right?”
“Stop it. I was meant to say that first.”
“Well, I got to say it first.”
“Okay.”
“So answer me.”
“Yes, I know how much you love me. Do you know how much I love you?”
“I expect it’s quite a lot,” I said. “It better be.”
“Yeah, well, you’d be right. I’m sorry. What we were talking about before wasn’t just about laws, was it?”
He knew me too well. There was one last thing I had to say.
“Come on, Simon. Talk to me.”
“I think I did too much of that before.”
“Yeah, but you had more in you.”
“Tell him, Simon,” Nyssa said.
Dec turned on me. “Nyssa knows?”
“No!” I glared at Nyssa. How could she? I hadn’t told anyone.
“He didn’t,” Nyssa agreed. “I just know.”
“Is this like the whole ‘feel it in your waters’ thing?” I accused her.
She shook her head. “No. You just have a very telling face.”
“You’ve got that right,” Dec said.
I threw my hands up in the air. “Fine! I guess… this whole lump thing is affecting me more than I thought.”
“Did you really think it wouldn’t have an effect?”
“I just thought when the op was done and I got the clear, that everything would feel fine.”
“Oh, Simon,” Nyssa said sadly. “That’s normal.”
“Yeah, well, you guys always tell me I’m not normal.”
Both Dec and Nyssa laughed softly.
I always took that as a compliment. It stung to know that I really wasn’t that unique. “I remember when Roger and Fran were going through their thing years ago, I thought it was stupid of Roger to feel less of a man if it was him who was infertile or whatever.”
“And now you do?” Dec asked, concern in his eyes.
“I don’t know. I didn’t think my masculinity was so fragile.”
“I’ve seen you at karaoke taking on all three women of Bananarama. Your masculinity has always been secure.”
I smiled fondly at the memory. My Love in the First Degree had become a thing of legend. “Yeah.”
“It’s one of the many things I like about you.”
I leaned my shoulder into his. “Maybe it’s not about masculinity at all. Maybe it’s just about the human need to see ourselves continue on throughout the passage of time.”
“Oh, here we go.” He was preparing himself for one of my rants.
“Until we started talking about kids, I had never really thought about it. And when we did, I didn’t care who it was who ‘sired’ the kids, as long as we had them. But that was because there was choice then. Like if we wanted to have more down the line, a party mix of both of us, we could.”
“A party mix?” Nyssa asked.
“Yeah. Dec would be the red racing cars and the strawberries and cream. And I’d be—”
“The black cats and the milk bottles,” Dec suggested.
“You know me so well.”
“I do.”
We stared at each other in silence for a moment before I said, “That option isn’t there anymore. And I guess I’m sad about it.”
“I’m sad about it too. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it.”
“Of course it doesn’t. I didn’t mean that before. I’m happy there are going to be more Declan Tylers in the world.”
“I would have liked some more Simon Murrays too,” he told me.
“It would have been very cool,” Nyssa added, and reached for my other hand across the table.
“I guess I broke the mould.”
“Maybe,” Declan said, shrugging, “there can only be one Simon Murray. And I’m glad I got him.”
I was about to kiss him, and he was already beginning to lean into it, having temporarily forgotten Nyssa’s presence. I hadn’t even remembered dropping her hand. We turned at the sound of her bursting into tears.
“Are you okay?” Dec asked, rushing over to her while I ran for the box of tissues on the kitchen counter.
“You guys are going to be fine,” Nyssa sobbed. “I’m so happy.”
The rest of her sentence was garbled through the excess tears flowing from her. Dec and I each took a side, holding her close.
Chapter Twenty-One
“AFTER THE ultrasound, we have a surprise for you,” Paddy announced over breakfast.
Nyssa frowned. “And I would just like to add that I am not on board with this at all.”
“It will be fun!” Paddy argued brightly.
Nyssa shook her head and sipped her tea.
“Well, I’m intrigued,” I said.
Paddy reached across and high-fived me. The power of the slap rendered my hand unusable for the rest of breakfast.
“I’m wary,” Dec said.
Paddy scoffed. “You? I’ve seen some of your player reels on YouTube. You have no fear in you.”
“I do,” Dec protested. “Just not on the football field, I guess. I take it we’re not playing football?”
He sounded hopeful.
Paddy shook his head.
“Then I’m wary,” Dec sighed.
“Come on, Dec,” I said. “Paddy’s not going to do anything dangerous to us.”
I looked to Paddy for support.
“There are heaps of security precautions,” he finally said, and Nyssa snorted.
Okay. I was now starting to feel a little wary.
THE FOUR of us made an unconventional group as Dec, Paddy, and I squeezed in around Nyssa. Her hands rested below her baby bump as the tech—whose name was Nancy, which tickled me—squeezed gel upon it and used the paddle to spread it like frosting over a bizarre cake. A beautiful Maori pattern tattooed on the back of her hand seemed to undulate beneath the bright lights that were a universal feature of hospitals. The three of us stood transfixed, staring at the small monitor as Nancy continued to glide her instrument across the plains of Nyssa’s stomach.
“Dare I ask which one’s the father?” Nancy mused, sharing a smile with Nyssa.
They both looked up, waiting for one of us to say something. I could tell Nyssa was enjoying herself. Paddy, Dec and I exchanged glances.
“I’m her husband,” Paddy said.
“But I’m the father,” Dec said.
“And I’m the gay lover of the father,” I chipped in. “Welcome to Shortland Street.”
Nancy chuckled. “Relax. I’ve already read your files. And I don’t even think Shortland Street would have a plot t
hat unique.”
“You obviously haven’t been watching it lately,” Nyssa told her. “It makes this look commonplace.”
“We’ve seen everything here.” Nancy shrugged. “Besides, it’s not so rare. My partner and I went through almost the same thing a couple of years ago. Did the whole turkey baster thing.”
“Did you really use a turkey baster?” I was intrigued and hoped I wasn’t being nosey.
Nancy gave me a grin of solidarity. “My partner did. And we had three friends who, uh, did the supplies.”
“How did that work out?” I asked.
Dec stepped lightly on my foot. “Simon.”
“Nancy’s family,” I said in my defence. “She’s got to know I’m just not asking for shits and giggles, let’s make fun of the rainbow family origin story.”
Nancy was now giggling to herself.
“Or, she’s just stealing the story from Mamma Mia.”
“A gay friend is the father. We share custody. It actually works surprisingly well,” Nancy said, her hands on the move again.
“That’s beautiful,” Nyssa said.
“But enough about me.” Nancy’s brow furrowed as she picked up something on the screen, which wasn’t obvious to us. “I’m sure you want to know about your own babies.”
“So, definitely babies?” Dec accentuated the plural.
“Definitely babies.”
“Not triplets?” I asked hopefully.
“You’re even luckier. Quadruplets.”
A shocked silence fell in the room. Even the machine seemed stumped.
I was going to faint.
“Look at the face on him,” Nancy said, pointing at me. “I really have had people in here finding out they’re having multiple births four and up. We usually have to clean the floor of nervous vomit afterwards.”
The others laughed. If I opened my mouth, I was going to cover Nancy with my own nervous chunks. And she’d deserve it.
“I don’t think that’s very professional,” I managed to say. Dec rubbed my arm sympathetically, although I think a disappointed glint was in his eye. Both of his brothers had four kids apiece, and everybody was expecting his sister to try and get to the same level. If Dec had managed to achieve it in one go, he’d have been king of the Tylers for the rest of his life.