For Caspar
CONTENTS
THE END
A BRUSH WITH DEATH
THE BOUNCING BOY
MONSTERS IN GLOVES
THE MIDNIGHT BIKE RIDE
OPERATION TANGO
IT WAS THE WORST NIGHT EVER
FETCH
BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY
UNCLE POGO AND THE SOGGY HOUSE
STAN 2.0
THE WISH LIST
THE MET GALA
GOLD FEVER
THE MANGO FIASCO
A MUMF AGO
THE INCREDIBLE EFFECTS OF SUPER-SLEEP
CLOUD NINE
THE ROCK
THE UNHAPPY VAN
WHO WAS THE MAN IN THE VAN?
THERE WAS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR
THE MAGNIFICENT LADY OF KNIGHTSBRIDGE
THE LAUGHTER THAT MADE A CARTON OF MILK EXPLODE
IF U EVA COM BAK WE WIL DISTROY U
GOODNIGHT, NELSON
JIM AT THE MUSEUM
THE ARM THAT BROKE AND THE DAD WHO CARED
GOODBYE, NELSON
HAPPINESS
MIXED FEELINGS
TINDLE’S UGLY ARMY
THE WEDDING OF DOODY AND POGO
GEORGE OF THE TRAMPOLINE
TRANSFORMER
NELSON GREEN V. THE UGLY ARMY
LAST THOUGHTS
WHAT IN THE WORLD JUST HAPPENED?
THE SLEEPING PARTY
WELCOME BACK
SCOTLAND
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT YOUR MONSTERS?
BOMBS AWAY!
GROWING PAINS
IT TAKES TWO
GOODNIGHT, NELSON GREEN
THANK YOU . . .
THE END
Nelson Green and his seven invisible monsters have been through a lot together. They have travelled halfway around the world and rescued Nelson’s sister from a water monster living in the jungle. They have faced and fought a gang of jelly freaks, teleported by eating an exploding stone, ridden a herd of hypnotized cows, leaped into canyons, flown over oceans, driven illegally and parked very badly, they’ve been shot out of the sky, raised the soul of a dead buffoon, cheated at rugby, brought Professor Doody and Nelson’s Uncle Pogo back from death’s door and defeated a truly terrible monster with the help of a cuddly toy rhino and a volcano. But Nelson’s greatest challenge lies ahead: he must now decide how this story will end. Will he be able to continue living together with the seven monsters extracted from his soul, or will he have to bring their friendship to a close? He had better work it out soon, for somewhere out there, a mysterious man is plotting to destroy Nelson’s life.
It is time to begin the beginning of the end . . .
A BRUSH WITH DEATH
Saturday evening. Dinner-time.
‘Well, what would you like to hear first: the good news or the bad news?’ Uncle Pogo had laid his knife and fork together on his empty dinner plate. He was nervous. He had finished his food way before anyone else and was now fidgeting in his seat. It was Celeste who answered on behalf of everyone at the table.
‘The bad news, obviously. I mean, no one asks to hear the good news first, do they?’
‘No. No, I suppose they don’t,’ said Uncle Pogo, pressing a napkin against his forehead and taking a deep breath that he then released as a dry whistle. ‘Right. Here goes. The bad news. Doody and I, we’ve decided . . . we’re not going to be working on the TV show together any more.’ Pogo glanced at Doody, who gave him a reassuring smile.
‘What?’ exclaimed Nelson, Celeste and their parents all at once.
‘Why?’ said Celeste, which made Uncle Pogo push back his seat and look up to the ceiling as if the answer were written there.
‘The show’s a hit, isn’t it?’ said Nelson’s father, Stephen.
‘It is, it is,’ agreed Pogo, nodding and smiling.
‘Have you two had a fight or something?’ said Nelson’s mum.
‘Nah, Tamsin, we ain’t had a fight,’ said Doody with a chuckle. He was about to eat another chunk of garlic bread but decided instead to lay his hand on Uncle Pogo’s wrist in a show of support. ‘Me and Pogo felt like it would put too much pressure on us in the future if we’re together at work and at home.’ He turned to smile at Pogo.
There was silence for a moment, and then Nelson’s mother gasped.
‘Oh, you’re kidding me,’ she whispered, as if she dared not believe what she was thinking.
‘What?’ said Nelson. ‘I don’t get it.’
Uncle Pogo shook his head and smiled nervously. ‘It’s not a joke, Tamsin.’
Celeste put her hand to her mouth.
‘Really? You and Doody?’ she said, her eyes wide.
‘Yep. That’s the good news,’ said Pogo.
‘Ha ha! I don’t believe it!’ roared Nelson’s father as he slapped the table. ‘I don’t flippin’ believe it!’
‘What?’ repeated Nelson. ‘I don’t get it. What’s going on?’
‘Well, see, that’s the good news, mate,’ said Doody, turning to Nelson. ‘Me and your uncle have decided to live together. And on top of that we’re gonna get married.’
The scream of delight from Nelson’s mother was so high-pitched that for the first time in three and a half years, Minty – the world’s laziest dog – leaped up from the kitchen floor and began barking like crazy.
‘Married?’ said Nelson, who was clearly behind everyone else in understanding what was going on.
‘Yeah, I’m gonna marry this fella – you’ll have two uncles now!’ said Doody, and he laughed at the sight of everyone but Nelson losing their minds with happiness.
‘Champagne!’ cried Nelson’s father as he jumped from his seat.
‘We haven’t got any!’ cried Nelson’s mother.
‘Oh. What about that fizzy wine the Clarks brought with them last time?’
Nelson’s mother pulled a face.
‘Married?’ repeated Nelson, but no one heard him over Minty’s incessant barking.
‘Quiet, Minty! Shush! Stop it!’ snapped Nelson’s mother.
‘Wait! Can I be a bridesmaid?’ said Celeste.
‘Actually, we were going to ask if you would,’ said Uncle Pogo. He laughed, clearly relieved to have dished out the big news.
‘I knew it! Didn’t I say they might get married?’ Nelson’s mother had grabbed Doody and pulled close enough to kiss him.
‘No! You’ve never said that once,’ said Nelson’s father, but before she could protest – Pop! The cork shot out of the bottle of fizzy wine he was holding, bounced off the ceiling and hit Minty on the nose.
Bark, bark, bark, bark! Bark!
‘Minty! Minty, stop! You’re gonna give yourself a heart attack!’ said Nelson’s father as he rushed to pour the wine into the glasses on the table.
It’s been said that a brush with death can sometimes make a person feel more alive. A mere swipe of death’s cold cloak and immediately your senses feel sharp and powerful, allowing you to experience the true value of things you might once have taken for granted. From the stupidly juicy pear you ate yesterday to the friend who has always been there for you, things that seemed ordinary or humdrum suddenly feel like gifts to be cherished.
Doody and Uncle Pogo’s decision to marry, and do so quickly, was the result of a run-in with a really horrible monster. Their injuries were terrible and the doctors had not expected either of them to live, but then a miracle happened: their broken bones began to mend very quickly indeed. The breaks fused in the same time it takes a spider to spin a web, and the two men left the hospital only a few days after the accident, the doctors staring after them opened-mouthed with disbelief.
Flushed with relief at finding
themselves alive and well, the two men realized that something amazing had been hiding right under their noses all this time. They were in love. They were the most alive, the most lovely and the silliest version of themselves when they were together, and they wanted to celebrate it right now. To sing it from the rooftops! And what better way to celebrate love than by declaring it in front of everyone you know and dancing the night away at the mother of all wedding parties?
(You may have noticed I used the word ‘miracle’ earlier to describe their healing process. It was in fact a magical medicine administered secretly by Nelson and his seven monsters, but neither Pogo nor Doody knew about this.)
‘Oh my gosh. You two are gonna have the best wedding ever,’ said Celeste, and Doody laughed.
‘Mate,’ said Doody, grabbing Celeste’s hand to squeeze it. ‘It’s gonna be legendary.’
‘When, when, when?’ said Nelson’s mother while clapping her hands.
‘Two weeks from Saturday,’ answered Uncle Pogo with a slight wince.
‘Two weeks?’ said Nelson’s parents in perfect unison.
‘We just thought, what’s the point in waiting around?’ said Doody. ‘Besides, they had a last-minute cancellation at the wedding venue so we’re getting a good discount.’
Celeste squealed with delight. Minty continued to bark furiously. Nelson’s mother turned up the radio that was halfway through playing ‘Sweet Caroline’ by Neil Diamond, and though this joyful song was very old, it seemed to have been written for precisely this occasion.
‘Wow,’ said Nelson. He had finally registered what was going on. His uncle and Doody were going to be married. If you had told Nelson this was going to happen before tonight he would never have believed it, but sitting here and seeing how happy the two of them were, it suddenly made all the sense in the world.
And in a bicycle workshop not too far from this happy scene, seven monsters felt what Nelson was feeling and they all cheered for Doody and Pogo.
THE BOUNCING BOY
Stan, Miser, Spike, Nosh, Puff, Hoot and Crush loved the bicycle workshop that was their new home. Not only was it a reassuringly short distance from Nelson’s home, it was also private, which made for a much more relaxing residence compared to Nelson’s back garden, where there was a constant threat of being discovered. It certainly beat their other home, which had been with the animals in London Zoo. For the first time since they had been brought into existence, Nelson’s monsters felt a sense of peace. Ivan had played a large part in creating this haven for them. Not only was he a tolerant soul who enjoyed their antics and taught them sign language, but Ivan was also Celeste’s boyfriend – and Celeste was Nelson’s sister – and these deep connections to Nelson only made the monsters feel more at home.
Nelson shared his monsters’ feelings of being settled. Only a few weeks ago, Nelson could never have imagined his life would feel this close to normal again. Here he was, washing up plates in the sink while Celeste cleared the table, and not a single worry on his mind. Everyone else was now in the living room, playing music and exploding with laughter every few seconds. It was such a rude and rowdy kind of laughter that Nelson found himself laughing too.
Looking up from the sink, Nelson noticed a light had switched on in their neighbour’s garden. It was always doing this because it was activated by a motion sensor, though tonight it hadn’t been triggered by the usual cat or cheeky fox.
‘He’s out on the trampoline again. Look,’ said Nelson, switching off the kitchen lights so that they would both be unseen. Celeste peered over Nelson’s shoulder into their garden.
‘Oh, poor George,’ she said with a sigh. The boy next door, George, was always spying on Nelson’s family, and since his parents had bought him a trampoline, George had used it to get an even better look at what they were up to. For George, there was no video game or TV show as interesting as whatever the Greens were up to. Tonight’s rowdy dinner party had clearly made George curious and he was bouncing very high indeed.
‘Look at him, bouncing up and down. It’s the saddest sight I’ve ever seen. Why don’t you just invite him over once in a while?’ said Celeste.
‘I tried that, remember?’ said Nelson. ‘We played Swingball together, and then one day I accidentally smacked him in the face with the ball and he left without saying anything. Never came back.’
George continued to bounce in a regular rhythm, his face always focused on their house, his arms stiff by his side.
‘He’s just shy, that’s all. And so are you most of the time. Give him a second chance. He’ll have got over being smacked in the face by now.’
‘Oh yeah? Watch this.’ Nelson flicked on the kitchen light switch and waved at George.
And with that, George disappeared.
‘Oh, that was mean!’ said Celeste, shoving Nelson in the shoulder and picking up another glass from the drying rack.
Nelson laughed as if he didn’t care, but he did care. George was a boy his own age who wanted to make friends but didn’t know how, and Nelson knew exactly what that felt like. Not long ago he had been friendless too. But that was before the monsters appeared.
Ping! Celeste dried her hands on the back of her jeans and picked up her phone to read the text message.
‘Cactus juice? Do you know anything about cactus juice?’ she asked Nelson.
‘Yeah, I’ve got a bottle of it upstairs. Why?’
‘Well, apparently your monsters need it urgently. Like, right now.’
Nelson’s parents were too busy partying in the living room with Pogo and Doody to notice how late it was when they agreed to let Nelson and Celeste visit Ivan. Nelson was now sat on the back of Celeste’s bicycle, his legs spread out wide to avoid getting his feet caught in the spokes, a water bottle filled with cactus juice in his jacket pocket, as his sister coasted around the narrow lanes of North East London.
‘What’s so special about this cactus juice then?’ she asked as they headed towards Ivan’s house.
‘It’s the stuff we gave to Uncle Pogo and Doody to fix them, remember? It’s like a kind of miracle cure.’
‘Oh, that stuff. But I thought you got it from Spike.’
Nelson’s monster Spike, who looked exactly like a walking, talking cactus, was able to produce this magical elixir from his nose. Yes, the idea of drinking something that was extracted from someone’s nose is disgusting, but this is a story with monsters, so I’m afraid you’ll just have to deal with it.
‘We do. Normally Spike can just sneeze it out of his nose so I don’t know why they need my supply,’ said Nelson.
Celeste stopped at a main crossroads and waited for the lights to change. A filthy little white van rattled to a stop beside them. The idling engine made an awful whining sound as if the poor van were complaining of stomach ache.
‘Does the cactus juice mean one of your monsters might be hurt?’ Celeste had to speak up to be heard over the noisy van.
‘I’d know if any of them were hurt. I’d feel it. So . . . so it must be someone else who needs it.’
The lights turned green and Celeste pushed off. ‘Well, it’s not Ivan. I think I’d know if he was hurt, too.’
The van rattled past them, belching black smoke from its exhaust. Nelson pressed his face into the back of his sister’s coat to keep from breathing in the fumes.
‘Yuck!’ shouted Celeste, hoping the driver could hear.
By the time Nelson looked up from her coat they were coasting down a cul-de-sac lined with old, white terraced houses. Thanks to the street lights, everything appeared a muddy-orange colour, even the fruit bats.
That’s right, I just said ‘fruit bats’.
‘Waaah!’ cried Celeste, and she had every right to yell because there were at least a dozen fruit bats flying towards her at head height. She closed her eyes and stiffened her arms as the bats flew right past them.
‘Don’t worry, Cel! They’re only fruit bats from London Zoo!’ Nelson looked over his shoulder as the bats vanished
into the darkness above the street lights.
‘How do you know?’ said Celeste, who had thankfully opened her eyes again by now.
‘Cos they came into my bedroom once!’
‘You’re joking?’
‘No! My monsters met the bats when they were living at London Zoo. They worked out they could use the bats’ high-frequency signals to communicate over really long distances.’
Celeste was still not used to the strange things Nelson told her, but instead of showing how baffled she was, she made a point of forging ahead as if it were no big deal.
‘Oh, you mean like a telephone?’
‘Exactly! So they used the bats to talk to me in an emergency!’
‘So . . . Who else do your monsters talk to apart from you?’
‘Uh . . . I dunno!’ Good question, thought Nelson. Who would his monsters have been communicating with this evening?
Whatever the answer was, Nelson was sure it had something to do with their urgent request for a bottle of cactus juice.
Celeste braked, and her bicycle came to a stop outside Ivan’s house, though it didn’t really look like a house. For generations it had been a workshop for timber merchants until one year the owners got tired of all that sawdust and fancied opening a fish and chip shop by the sea. They sold the place to a young graphic designer and her architect husband. With very little money but plenty of ingenuity and hard work, the couple transformed the inside of the warehouse into a home for themselves and their son, Ivan. Ivan was a tall and soulful seventeen-year-old. Like both his parents, he was deaf, and communicated mainly through sign language and lip-reading. His passion for bicycles, especially building them himself, had led to him taking over the workshop at the end of his garden to start his own build-and-repair business. Unbeknownst to his parents, Ivan’s workshop was also being used as a hideout for Nelson’s seven monsters, who at this very moment were all wearing gloves and freaking out about the terrible news they had just received from London Zoo.
MONSTERS IN GLOVES
The gloves had been Ivan’s idea.
The Curse of the Deadly 7 Page 1