by Donna Eden
Part 2 of the STAR Pact: Tap
Gottman suggests that the pauses couples take in the face of emotional flooding last at least twenty minutes because that’s the time required for adrenaline and other stress chemicals that were released into the bloodstream to break down. In fact, most people in his research believed that they had completely calmed down after a fight even though their pulse rate was still ten percent above its normal resting rate, leaving them primed for quicker re-arousal. For the break to serve its purpose, (1) it must not be an excuse to avoid the issue, (2) there should be a specific plan for returning to the discussion, (3) it should not be a time to simply rehearse your arguments or relive your sense of betrayal, and (4) the break should be relaxing. This is not, however, easy to accomplish at times of intense interpersonal conflict. To collect yourself when your emotions are raging requires you to swim against a fierce internal tide. Energy techniques quell the tide so the break can be effective.
Introducing simple energy techniques can actually reduce the twenty-minute cooling-off period Gottman prescribes because they help the body process stress more effectively. Of the hundreds of energy medicine techniques we have used in our work, certain ones seem universally powerful and so flexible that they can serve many purposes. Of those, we’ve selected eight that are easy to learn. They have been taught widely, and they are particularly potent for re-centering after coming into an explosive moment in your relationship. When your energies have become disorganized and your mind is in defense mode, you can restabilize body and mind with some or all of the following simple techniques. They begin very simply, by tapping on your body.
The first step of the Pact is to STOP!
The second step is to immediately begin to TAP.
• THE ENERGY DIMENSION •
Fight or Flight
You know what the fight-or-flight state looks like physically. People become red in the face (fight) or lose color in their face (flight), they breathe harder, their pupils dilate, and all systems are ready for action. Energetically, the auric field and the chakras become tight like a tensed muscle, mobilizing you into emergency mode. Your energies are not available for an intimate interchange.
Energy Exercises
When you do an energy exercise, such as those described next, the intensity of focused energy in your meridians instantly begins to dissipate. The energy begins to slow and to flow more smoothly. Energies that had left the brain to handle the emergency with a physical response return so you can think more clearly. All systems are calmed.
Just as your Pact includes an agreement to stop the discussion the instant either of you recognizes that one of you has become emotionally hooked, the second agreement is that you will immediately tap on four sets of points on your face and torso. If you can make this your reflexive response, it will immediately begin to balance the energies in your body. You will have these points memorized after just a few run-throughs, so you will be able to do them with little thought. To further balance and stabilize your body’s energies, you can then proceed through some or all of the additional techniques listed here. This will center you energetically, which calms your body and refreshes and refocuses your mind. The centering techniques are:
The Four Taps
The Blow-Out/Zip-Up/Hook-Up
The Crossover Shoulder Pull
The Crown Pull
The Stress Release Hold
The Wayne Cook Posture
Connecting Heaven and Earth
The Cross Crawl
It is often a losing battle to try to will yourself to stay centered in the midst of escalating conflict with your partner, but you can will yourself to do physical movements that will calm and align your energies. Your mind will then follow, your coping abilities will return, and it will become possible then to creatively reconnect. Instructions for carrying out each of these eight techniques follow.
The Four Taps
Certain points on your body, when tapped with your fingers, affect your energy field in predictable ways, sending electrochemical impulses to specific regions of your brain and releasing neurotransmitters. By tapping the following sets of points (see figure 3-1), you can activate a series of internal responses that will restore you when you are stressed or simply tired. You can also tap these points at any time you need a boost. The Four Taps include:
STOMACH MERIDIAN POINTS
On the top of the cheekbones directly beneath each eye are acupuncture points on the Stomach Meridian.
KIDNEY MERIDIAN POINTS
Place your fingers on your collarbone and move them toward the center until you come to the corners of the collarbone just below your throat. Move your fingers down beneath the bone. Most people have an indent there. These points beneath the collarbone knobs are the location of the paired “K-27 points,” the twenty-seventh acupuncture points on the Kidney Meridian.
THYMUS POINT
The point at the middle of the sternum stimulates the thymus. Tapping it not only helps center your energies but also helps boost your immune system, which is compromised by relationship stress.
SPLEEN POINTS
The points one rib below the “bra line” (fellas, use your imagination) and directly beneath the nipples are the neurolymphatic reflex points for the Spleen Meridian.
Tap each point firmly for the length of one deep in-breath and out-breath, but never so hard as to risk bruising yourself. Do not be overly concerned about finding the precise location of each point. If you use several fingers to tap in the vicinity described, you will hit the right spot.
FIGURE 3-1 The Four Taps
The Blow-Out/Zip-Up/Hook-Up
THE BLOW-OUT
Blow out the energetic residue of accumulated feelings by (1) making fists as you bring your hands and arms in front of you, (2) swinging your arms down and around behind you, (3) lifting them above your head, and (4) rapidly and with some force sending your fists down to your sides (see Figure 3-2). Purse your lips as you blow out the emotion. Open your hands when they have come all the way down. Repeat this several times. End by doing the movement once more, but this time, slowly and deliberately. Now with some of the energies cleared, do a Zip-Up.
FIGURE 3-2 The Blow-Out
THE ZIP-UP
Zip up by placing either or both hands at your pubic bone and taking a deep in-breath as you move your hand with deliberation straight up the center of your body, to your lower lip (see Figure 3-3). Repeat two or three times. Breathe deeply each time. Your hands emanate an electromagnetic field and, with this movement, you are tracing your Central Meridian, one of the body’s major energy pathways. This strengthens the meridian and tends to stabilize your energies, centering and empowering you.
FIGURE 3-3 The Zip-Up
THE HOOK-UP
Hook in this calm and clarity by placing the middle finger of one hand on your third eye (between your eyebrows above the bridge of your nose) and the middle finger of your other hand in your navel. Gently press both fingers inward, pull them upward, and hold there for at least three deep, full breaths (see Figure 3-4).
FIGURE 3-4 The Hook-Up
The Crossover Shoulder Pull
Several meridians run through the shoulders and tend to become clogged at the shoulders when we feel stress. This also interferes with natural left-right crossover patterns. All this can be quickly reversed with the Crossover Shoulder Pull.
Place either hand on its opposite shoulder and press in hard behind the shoulder with your fingers (see Figure 3-5). Drag your hand over your shoulder, maintaining the pressure. Continue, with less pressure now, to your opposite hip. Repeat two or three times. Shift to the other side.
FIGURE 3-5 The Crossover Shoulder Pull
The Crown Pull
While doing the Crown Pull, breathe deeply, in through your nose and out through your mouth.
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sp; Place your thumbs at your temples on the sides of your head. Curl your fingers and rest your fingertips just above the center of your eyebrows (see Figure 3-6).
Slowly, and with some pressure, pull your fingers apart so that you stretch the skin just above your eyebrows.
Rest your fingertips at the center of your forehead and repeat the stretch.
Rest your fingertips at your hairline and repeat the stretch.
Continue this pattern, fingers curled and pushing in at each of these locations:
a. Fingers at the top of your head, with your little fingers at your hairline. Push down with some pressure and pull your hands away from one another, as if pulling your head apart.
b. Fingers at the center of your head, again pushing down and pulling your hands away from one another.
c. Fingers over the curve at the back of your head, again using the same stretch.
d. Continue down your neck, fingers at the center of your neck, pushing in and then pulling around to the side, finally hanging your fingers on your shoulders.
When you are ready to release, push your fingers into your shoulders, drag them across the tops of your shoulders, and finally drop your hands.
FIGURE 3-6 The Crown Pull
The Stress Release Hold
While we have placed this as the fifth technique in this series, it is a gem that you can use any time you feel emotional distress.
Place the palm of one hand lightly over your forehead and the palm of the other around the back of your head (see Figure 3-7). If you hold them there while breathing deeply for one to three minutes, the energies from your hands and the contact with areas of the skin called “neurovascular points” have the effect of shifting the neurochemistry of stress, turning off the fight/flight/freeze response. First doing the Crown Pull makes your body more receptive for this posture, which you can do sitting, standing, or lying down.
FIGURE 3-7 The Stress Release Hold
The Wayne Cook Posture
This is one of the most powerful techniques we know for restoring clarity of mind. Originally developed by Wayne Cook for working with people who stutter, it has been effectively applied now with a wide range of issues, from helping people with learning disabilities to improving the performance of athletes. The technique involves three postures:
While sitting, place your right foot over your left knee, wrap your left hand around your right ankle, and wrap your right hand around the ball of your right foot (best done with shoes removed). Your wrists will be crossing over one another (see Figure 3-8a). Breathe in slowly through your nose, lifting your body as you breathe in. At the same time, pull your leg inward, creating a stretch. Exhale slowly out your mouth, letting your body relax. Repeat this slow breathing and stretching four or five times.
Switch to your other foot. Place your left foot over your right knee, wrap your right hand around your left ankle, and wrap your left hand around the ball of your left foot (see Figure 3-8b). Lift your body and breathe as described above.
Uncross your legs, place your fingertips together to form a pyramid, and bring your thumbs to rest on your third eye, just above the bridge of your nose (see Figure 3-8c). Breathe slowly in through your nose and out through your mouth about five times.
FIGURE 3-8 The Wayne Cook Posture
Connecting Heaven and Earth
Stretching is one of the most natural ways to keep the body’s energies moving, which is in turn one of the best ways to keep your mind clear. From watching cats and dogs upon waking to practicing disciplines that have made stretching into an art form, such as yoga and tai chi, many models are available. Versions of the following exercise have been found in numerous cultures, and it is not only an excellent way to get energy flowing throughout the body, it is formulated to help integrate the brain’s left and right hemispheres and to activate the radiant circuits, the energy system that supports joy.5 To “Connect Heaven and Earth” (see Figure 3-9):
In a standing position, rub your hands together and then shake them out. Place them on your thighs, with your fingers spread. Then with a deep inhalation, circle your arms out, and on the exhalation bring your hands together into a prayerful position.
With a deep inhalation, stretch one arm high above your head and flatten the hand palm up (as if pushing something above you); stretch the other arm down and flatten the hand palm down (as if pushing something toward the earth). Stay in this position for as long as is comfortable, then release your breath through your mouth, returning your hands to the prayerful position.
Repeat, switching the arm that raises and the arm that lowers. Do one or more additional lifts on each side.
Coming out of this pose the final time, bring your arms down and allow your body to fold over at the waist. Hang there with your knees slightly bent as you take two deep breaths.
Slowly return to a standing position, ending with a backward roll of the shoulders.
FIGURE 3-9 Connecting Heaven and Earth
The Cross Crawl
We are designed to replenish our energies through activity. Energy crosses over from the left hemisphere of the brain to the right side of the body and from the right hemisphere to the left side of the body. Figure-eight crossover patterns operate throughout your body, from the biofield that surrounds you down to the double helix in your DNA. When you are stressed, this energy may go into a homolateral, up-down pattern instead of the crossover rhythm that supports your health and vitality. Any activity that involves a crossover motion (e.g., left arm moves at the same time as the right leg, right arm moves with left leg)—such as walking, running, or swimming—tends to boost and balance your energies. One of David’s favorite mood-changers is a vigorous swim. The simplest technique to obtain these benefits, called the Cross Crawl, is in essence simply walking in place (see Figure 3-10).
While standing or sitting, lift your right arm and left leg simultaneously.
As you let them down, raise your left arm and right leg.
Repeat, this time exaggerating the lift of your leg and swing of your arm across your midline to the opposite side of your body.
Continue this exaggerated march for at least a minute, breathing deeply in through your nose and out through your mouth.
These exercises are not only valuable for re-centering after an argument; they boost your physical health and mental well-being and bring you home to yourself. We encourage you to do them with your partner when you are not under stress so you familiarize yourself with them and get a glimpse of their general benefits. You will also get a sense of which techniques are likely to provide the best first aid for you.
FIGURE 3-10 The Cross Crawl
Part 3 of the STAR Pact: Attune
By this point in the Pact, you have realigned your own energies. Your partner has done the same. This third part of the Pact will help you reconnect. Your bond has been strained or perhaps even feels ruptured. So you now face not only the task of resolving the disagreement but also of repairing the bond. You can start to repair the bond by realigning your energies with your partner’s.
Attuning Energetically
Doing a few of the centering exercises described above in unison with your partner, such as the Four Taps or Connecting Heaven and Earth, gives your energies a chance to realign naturally. No discussion is necessary. Or take a brisk walk, the classic Cross Crawl activity, with an agreement that you will comment only on what you observe during the walk rather than reenter the discussion just yet. Attend particularly to objects of beauty or interest. While it takes some discipline to stay focused on the here and now of the walk rather than to reengage the argument, you begin to bridge with one another energetically as you together exercise your powers of observation and description during a joint Cross Crawl activity. Our all-time favorite energy medicine technique for wordlessly reattuning is to give one anoth
er a Spinal Flush.
THE SPINAL FLUSH
The Spinal Flush is a brief massage along the spine, a kind act you can do for your partner even before you are feeling kind or able to say kind things. It is a gift you can give to one another as an act of good faith. First, it is easy to give and feels great to receive. Second, it releases toxins that are generated by the fight/flight/freeze response back into the lymph system, where they can be eliminated. Third, it brings balance to each of the major meridians, the body’s energy pathways. Deep, caring touch is good for your partner’s health and mood, as well as your own. In fact, University of Miami psychologist Tiffany Field reports that receiving fifteen minutes of massage each day from their husbands was as beneficial for women suffering from postpartum depression as receiving antidepressant medication.6 By focusing on your back instead of the more emotionally vulnerable front of your body, you are more able to receive a caring gesture even while still closed off or feeling defensive. To do the Spinal Flush:
Have your partner lie facedown or stand three to four feet from a wall and lean into it with both hands. Either position stabilizes your partner’s body so pressure can be applied along the spine. When David sees Donna starting to flood, his code phrase for initiating a Spinal Flush is “Up against the wall, Donna.”