by Donna Eden
So the caveat for the “tap while you talk” technique is this: If you both start tapping at the moment one of you feels an emotional bump and the emotional charge seems to be escalating rather than de-escalating, shift to your Pact—Stop, Tap, Attune, Resolve (STAR).
Often enough, however, simply adding tapping to the discussion will keep you calm, centered, and supportive of one another, rather than allow you to be taken over by your emotions.
2. Shifting the Way You Respond to Behaviors in Your Partner That Had Been Triggers for Anger, Hurt, or Resentment
Beyond not escalating an argument, you can use tapping to shift the patterns that trigger emotional upset between you. After using our Pact to clear the air, we returned to the travel arrangements that had originally hooked us.
To get her SUD rating, Donna brought to mind the moment she read the itinerary, how dismissed she immediately felt, and how she then felt like she was talking to a blank wall when she told David about her feelings. Playing this scene as a movie in her mind, she gave a rating of 8 to the emotional intensity at the most distressful moment. Looking for a Reminder Phrase (here)—a few words that capture the scene—Donna thought of a number of phrases: “I’m invisible to you”; “I get discounted when I talk to you”; “I’ve been betrayed”; “I’m uncared for by you.” She then reflected: “Uncared for is the wrong word. I know you care for me. What I felt at that moment is ‘I’m making trouble for you. That’s all you can think of. You’ve already made your plan.’ So what I want doesn’t matter.” She settled on “I still can’t cause trouble for you despite your having betrayed me” as her initial Reminder Phrase.
A difference between a professionally guided session and a self-guided session involves lesser or greater reliance on the Reminder Phrase. In this situation, David is assisting Donna as her husband, but he also brings his professional background and skills in formulating the wordings. Chapter 6 instructed you to keep coming back to the initial Reminder Phrase, adjusting it later as additional aspects (here) of the problem revealed themselves. In the following transcription of our session, you will see that David did not stay with the initial Reminder Phrase but immediately addressed various aspects of the situation. The advantages of this as a teaching tool are that you get to see how flexible the technique is and are given a model of its effective use. The disadvantage would be if you, as a beginner, feel you need to be equally adept at formulating advanced wordings. You don’t. Staying with the initial Reminder Phrase and gradually adjusting it as new aspects reveal themselves can be very effective. Always remember that this is more about shifting the energies than anything else, and the tapping is doing that for you.
We did begin with the initial Reminder Phrase in formulating the Acceptance Statement: “Even though I still can’t cause trouble for you despite your having betrayed me, I deeply love and accept myself” (stated three times, along with the physical techniques described here). Then we started the tapping, with our iPad recording it all.
David would offer the phrase that Donna would use as she tapped (she would tap on a point for as long as it took to say the phrase and then go to the next point and phrase, following the sequence of points shown in Figure 6-3). David tapped along with Donna and repeated the phrase with her. That is the format we used throughout the session, and we suggest you experiment with it as well if one of you is guiding the other’s work. David suggested the wording except for phrases where the transcript indicates that Donna initiated it. Some phrases were repeated several times while tapping different points and only the first use of the phrase is in the transcript:
I still can’t cause trouble for you despite your having betrayed me.
You betrayed me.
We talked about the itinerary, but you ignored me.
I feel betrayed.
Now I’m stuck because I can’t make trouble for these people. They’ve put their time and effort into making this itinerary [wording initiated by Donna].
They will be hurt if I make trouble here.
They will feel deserted, let down, like there is no net beneath them.
They will feel as if I don’t care about them.
I could have made trouble, but instead I will be hurt. I didn’t speak up. I just had to swallow how betrayed I felt [Donna’s wording].
I had to swallow how I let myself down because I couldn’t let them down.
I let myself down again because I couldn’t let them down.
At this point, we did the Integration Sequence (here). Then back to tapping:
Feeling betrayed.
I can’t make trouble.
I have to go along.
They will probably never trust anyone again if I back out of this [Donna’s wording].
People’s lives will be destroyed if I make trouble [laughter—overstating an underlying assumption can bring humor and lightness while continuing to address a heavy issue].
They won’t survive.
Feeling so trapped.
I’m always trapped.
This time I expected David to make sure I wasn’t trapped [Donna’s wording].
I expected David to take care of me.
David didn’t take care of me.
Now I have to move forward with that same old upset with myself that I have let myself down [Donna’s wording].
At this point, David asked Donna to take a deep breath and go back to the scene with the itinerary and give it a SUD rating. She said it was a 41/2, down from an 8. He asked her how she knew there was remaining distress. She said, “I still have pain in my heart, though I’m more calm. But even though I’m not as upset, there is still this very painful, kinesthetic wound.” This provided the wording for the next Acceptance Statement: “Even though I still have this pain in my heart, I deeply love and accept myself” (repeated, along with the physical procedures). The last time, rather than “I deeply love and accept myself,” David had Donna substitute a more specific positive affirmation (see “The Choices Method,” here), which was, “I choose to recognize that I am changing this right now—a four and a half is very different from an eight.” Then another round of tapping:
This wound in my heart.
This pain in my heart.
This pain in my heart from all the times I couldn’t make trouble.
Nobody ever saw me. I would protect everyone else from having to face trouble, but nobody protected me [Donna’s wording].
They were so happy I wasn’t trouble [Donna’s wording].
What a relief that Donna isn’t trouble.
Nobody saw me.
And that’s what it felt like when I spoke to David about the itinerary [Donna’s wording].
He doesn’t hear me, he doesn’t know me. He doesn’t care. It’s okay with him that I’m going to be sacrificed [Donna’s wording; David at this moment is glad he is also tapping and staying relatively centered].
It’s okay with him if I’m sacrificed for the good of the organization. He didn’t step in and rescue me. So I’m just left holding the bag again [Donna’s wording].
I’m worried by how much I’m pushing myself. And I’m scared. I feel alone in that fear [Donna’s wording].
Nobody is going to worry about me. And it’s even worse if I’m trouble [Donna’s wording].
They just ignore my needs. If I don’t make trouble, nobody ever knows I have a need [Donna’s wording].
They don’t see me if I don’t make trouble. Nobody sees me whether I make trouble or I don’t make trouble [Donna’s wording].
If I don’t make trouble, I’m invisible. If I make trouble, they want me gone.
What a disappointment she turned out to be [Donna’s wording].
If I make trouble, they want me gone. If I make trouble, there are awful consequences. If I don’t make trouble, I’m invisible. My needs don’t get met [Donna’s wording].
&nb
sp; I want to do this right this time. It’s time to do it right. It’s time to shift this energy [Donna’s wording].
It’s time to shift the energy that keeps me trapped in this pattern.
And I can do it differently. And I have [referring to a recent positive interaction with David where Donna had shown her anger. At this point, when much of the charge has been removed, the person is able to consider experiences that counter a deep, long-standing belief].
Yes, I have had some real successful moments. I’ve been trouble, and I’ve been loved anyway [Donna’s wording].
I’ve had some successful moments where I’ve been trouble and I’ve been loved anyway [David asks Donna to describe one].
Even though you were quick to judge me yesterday, when I told you my side of the story, you switched on a dime. That was love [Donna’s wording].
When I felt sick on our last trip, you were there one hundred percent. I was causing you a lot of trouble, and you didn’t make me feel guilty.
At this point, Donna went back to the itinerary scene and rated it at a 3. We had skipped the Integration Sequence, but we did it here, bringing the rating down slightly, to 21/2. David suggested that the next Acceptance Statement be: “Even though it’s still two and a half, I feel power welling up in me.” Donna snapped back: “No, I don’t feel power. I feel like I will really be betrayed if I let this go. I will never be safe again if I let this go because you will never see yourself. I’m scared to make this go down to zero. I’m scared to make this go away. I’ll never be safe then. You’ll just go on in your own merry way treating me in the same way. If I let this go, then I’ll really be betrayed. I might gain something by getting over being unable to be trouble, but I’m scared that if I get over this, you’ll say, ‘See, it was your fault all the time,’ and you will just keep dismissing me.”
This is a point that could derail the process. If David defended himself, that would have been a betrayal since Donna was laying herself wide open and had now hit on a psychological reversal (here). While her hope was to no longer feel distress about the situation, she believed David would ignore his side of the problem if she succeeded. If you are guiding your partner in a tapping session, you need to be deeply committed to putting your side of the story aside for the time being so you are taking in and even being an advocate for your partner’s reality. David demonstrated that he was doing this by suggesting this Acceptance Statement: “Even though I’m scared that if I get over this I will be even more invisible to David, I deeply accept this dilemma.” This worked for Donna, so we proceeded with another round of tapping, this time looking for ways to affirm Donna’s power in the situation (note, this was not likely to have been effective before most of the emotional charge had been neutralized):
I’m scared that if I change, David will stay stuck [formulating statements such as this also brought David into deeper empathy for Donna’s dilemma].
I don’t trust David to do his part.
David won’t admit that he discounts me, and if I resolve my part of the issue, he’ll never own his part of it.
This is about my power [David now shifts to what he feels is the self-limiting piece in Donna’s position].
This is about my being able to say my truth.
This is about my being able to say my truth in a way that no one could ignore.
Not even David.
Even though I’m scared of getting over this completely, I’m getting to be a force to be reckoned with [Donna says, “No, I’m not! Not yet”].
You were yesterday [referring to the earlier incident].
Okay, I’m getting to be a force to be reckoned with [Donna’s wording].
Even though I’m scared to get over this, I don’t need this anymore [Donna’s wording].
I will stay with my power. I will speak my truth. I will speak my truth even if it causes trouble [Donna’s wording].
That’s what this is about.
Yes, I will speak my truth even if it causes trouble [Donna’s wording].
Even though I’m scared to get over this, I will speak my truth. Even if it causes trouble for David, or for the organization, I will speak my truth [Donna’s wording].
That’s the solution here.
I can speak my truth.
Whatever people’s reaction is, that’s their issue.
I know I’m basically kind and fair.
I have nothing to be ashamed or guilty about.
I was clear [referring to the situation from the day before.]
I was clear. I was glad for David’s reaction.
At this point, Donna’s SUD rating had gone down to 11/2. When asked how she knows there is still residue, Donna said: “When I look at the scene, I can still feel stress. It is nothing like it was, but I can still feel stress.” Going deeper into her feelings, she said, “I still don’t believe this will make our marriage stronger because you will get smug and never get what you do. You will never get it. I know my part, but I want you to look at yourself. If I get over this issue, you will feel forgiven and I will be forgotten.” Again, positioning himself as Donna’s guide and advocate and checking his own defensiveness, David suggested this Acceptance Statement: “Even though I want David to look at himself, I don’t need to wait for him” and then these tapping statements:
I am becoming such a force that I can’t be ignored.
I will be trouble.
I will be trouble if I have to.
Even though I’d like David to “get it,” I’m not throwing away my trouble card [Donna is laughing as she repeats this].
Even though I’d like David to “get it,” I’m not throwing away my trouble card.
This is giving me permission to use my trouble card.
I claim my trouble card.
I can use it freely.
No guilt.
No shame.
No overcompassion.
I know I’m fair and good.
I can pull out that card any time the situation calls for it.
I can be trouble.
Yea!
Okay, I’m pulling out the card [Donna laughing].
I can be trouble.
You can evolve or not evolve, but I’m pulling out my trouble card whenever I want [Donna laughing].
Get used to it, David.
I’m pulling it out whenever I want.
You’re actually very brave to be leading me through this, David [Donna laughs as she repeats David’s self-flattering statement].
I can be trouble on my own terms [Donna is laughing].
Returning to the itinerary scene, Donna said, with delight in her voice, “It doesn’t have a charge anymore!” Throughout the week, numerous instances came up with David and with others where Donna found herself speaking up even when she knew that what she was saying was different from what the person wanted to hear.
Reflecting on the above transcript, notice how only the initial rounds of tapping focused on Donna’s feelings of betrayal and being trapped that were associated with the theme of not being able to cause trouble for anyone. After the first shift in Donna’s SUD rating, the focus went to the sensations in her heart and chest. Only after all this was reduced did David’s suggested wordings begin to focus on evidence that countered her beliefs regarding not causing trouble (such as when she caused “trouble” by being sick and was nonetheless fully supported). This led to a fear that if she overcame her part of the pattern, David would still persist with his part and continue to dismiss her. This was addressed by embracing her power in the situation, recognizing that she can evolve even if David doesn’t, that she can speak her truth and be a force to be reckoned with no matter what David does or doesn’t do.
But Donna also knew there was more. She’d not gone into the childhood events that created the “no trouble” pattern or healed the emotional wounds that
trace to them. Conveniently, these are the next two interrelated topics we wanted to illustrate.
3. Tracing Emotional Challenges That Play Themselves Out Again and Again in Your Relationship to Formative Childhood Experiences
Tying the “can’t make trouble” theme back to an early memory, Donna recalled a family outing when she was about four. They had gone to a forested area in the mountains. Donna had wandered off and become lost. As it grew dark, she was unable to find her way back. With no one having found her either, she was coming to terms with her belief that they had all gone home without her. This seemed natural to her. “Of course they wouldn’t wait for me. I could imagine Mama saying in the front seat of the car, ‘We loved Donna so much. Wasn’t she wonderful! It is so sad that we have to leave her, but what are we going to do? It’s getting dark and we have to go.’ And I understood completely.”
Asked to describe what it is like now to think back on that little girl who understood this completely, she reported feeling “really sad.” She reflected that “even though I comforted myself by saying I knew my Mama loved me, I also believed Mama’s love would fade into the background if I made trouble. And, in this case, it would be trouble for the family to have to look for me.” Donna gave her feelings of sadness about this an 8 on the zero-to-ten SUD scale.
4. Healing These Lingering Emotional Wounds
The Acceptance Statement Donna used while massaging her Central Meridian points was, “Even though I couldn’t make trouble, I deeply love and accept myself.” Here were the words she used, sometimes suggested by David, but more often now provided by Donna: