by Anna J.
Typically, I didn’t play with dudes at the gig, but this one for a split second seemed worth the risk. At the moment, it was a risk I was willing to take.
He always smelled amazing, too. Not like stale blunt guts and Chinese store platters. He always had that fresh-out-the-shower smell that I was sure drove every woman in his life bananas. And let’s get into this body. He definitely worked out a few days a week, but he wasn’t overly muscular. He had enough strength to carry you around the room, but he wasn’t so toned that his arms couldn’t touch his sides. He had a pretty white smile that was a stark contrast to his dark chocolate complexion. Definite model material.
He had me open very early on, but I refused to clue him in on that tidbit of info until I was ready. I’d be damned if he thought he was going to treat me like the rest of the chickens around there running and clucking behind him. I knew my worth then, and I know it now. I just had to clue his ass in to what the deal really was. I was able to submit and let a man lead if he showed himself capable. If he were not, he was treated like a thot.
So, I ignored him for a while. I wasn’t about to let this dude know he had me masturbating every night like a damn dog in heat. I wanted him, but he wouldn’t get me that easy like he got the rest of those hoes. I wasn’t above a quick fuck in the bathroom stall at work, but he wouldn’t know that right away. I’d have to see how he acted first before divulging that little secret. I was a real freak for my man and was ready to drop that shit at the drop of a dime. I was the bitch giving him head while he did a hundred on the freeway at 3 a.m. Hopefully, he would be fortunate enough to experience that with me. He had work to do. He would get to chase me just like everyone else did.
I would see him in the building, and come to find out he worked in the mailroom there. He flirted with all the ladies in the building like most of the mail guys did, and we blushed and gushed over him like idiots. I noticed that his conversations got a little longer over time with me. We went from offering me a hello to small hugs and coffee over a few months. My cat twitched every time he got near me, but I held it down, determined that he was surely getting enough head and tail from everyone else around there. He didn’t need to add me to the mix.
“I want to take you out,” he announced one day while dropping off mail. It wasn’t a request; it was more like a demand.
I was stunned. What did he see in me that he skipped everyone else? Or was I just next on the list of lunch dates? He had me smiling but questioning him at the same time. I wasn’t about to let him have me out there looking crazy, but I wasn’t about to pass up a free meal with my greedy ass. He had me turned on a little bit, but not enough to not hold my ground.
“What did you have in mind?” I inquired while already deciding what I had a taste for. If nothing else, I never passed up a plate.
“DMX is going to be at the TLA. We should go. You look like you like to turn up.”
Oh, did I! This man was really trying to get some yams! I was just looking at the lineup on Facebook earlier in the week and was trying to decide if I wanted to go. The Theater of Living Arts honestly was like a death trap, literally one way in and one way out. So, if some shit went down in there, you were liable to get trampled. However, it wasn’t a huge venue, so the amount of people was limited, unlike the Wells Fargo Center, where thousands would show up. I was really trying to decide if seeing The Lox, Lil’ Kim, Foxy Brown, and DMX was worth risking my life. I quickly decided it was.
“We should go. Let’s talk details later,” I replied, afterward storing my number in his phone. I didn’t know at the time that this would end in such devastation. This wasn’t supposed to get serious. We were just, you know, kicking it. Folks had a way of sneaking into your heart that caught you completely off guard, and then the next thing you knew, you were digging a hole to hide the body because they thought you were the one to play with. Dating was too damn exhausting and frustrating for no good reason. Why couldn’t people just act right?
Your boy asked me out, I texted to Shanna jokingly. She had a thing for him low key but kept saying it wasn’t that serious. We were on some ho shit that summer—no serious relationship, just getting the dick and scramming on they asses. Neither one of us wanted a serious relationship with anyone. At least that was my truth.
Say word, she replied back.
I could only imagine her face. We both geeked over him, but it wasn’t a competition. She worked in the building as well, two floors down in one of the law offices. We always rode in on the regional rail in the morning, and one day we just started chatting it up. Come to find out we had a lot in common. Vice and Skye were not beat for her ass, though, even though I tried to make us all friends.
Word.
Yaaassss, bitch! Get that shit! she replied, causing me to bust out laughing.
I’ll let you know for certain before the day is out. Meet me at the crib just in case it’s some real shit happening.
Later in the day, I got a text to confirm he was serious about our date. The show was in a few weeks, so I guessed he wanted to make sure he should purchase the tickets. Shortly after confirming, I got a text showing paid tickets. I immediately started mentally going through my wardrobe to see what I had to wear or if I needed to get something fresh. As mentioned, the TLA was not like the Wells Fargo, and it was a rap concert. I wasn’t walking up in there in a short dress and stilettos, but even a pair of jeans and some cute sneakers had to make a statement. You never knew who you would run into while out, and I needed to always be on point. Deciding that I would raid my sister’s closet before purchasing something new, I was satisfied with the options I thought I had.
Things with Kevin moved pretty quickly leading up to the concert. He still flirted with all the ladies in the building, but he paid extra special attention to me when he stopped in my department to deliver mail. Our conversation lingered a little longer each time, and my clit would always jump every time he showed up. If he pressed hard enough, he was bound to get to test this cat out, but I wasn’t about to let him know that. I was battling with myself to keep this situation light, but my hormones were winning.
“Bitch, your pussy is worth more than a concert at the TLA. If he was taking you to The Garden and buying the outfit, that would be a different story.”
Gotta love Vice. Whether I wanted to hear it or not, she always kept it a bean with both me and Skye, who at the moment was going through a crazy breakup with her dude. I saw his creep ass with some other bitch, but I didn’t press the issue at first. Seeing is believing, but sometimes you still had to be a hundred percent sure that your eyes were really telling you what you needed to know. No room for mistakes, just straight facts. What was crazy was we caught him with one of her other friends and had to stomp this bitch out because she just wouldn’t respect the girl code. If his girl told you he got a girl, just keep it pushing. Don’t go trying to be a super hero and get your fronts knocked out. No dick was worth a set of veneers. It was too costly of a price tag to have to deal with.
I felt bad for my friend and didn’t want to burden her with my shit. Kevin had me giddy as fuck, but I was respectful enough of her space and time to let her grieve in silence. Vice was always in ho stroll mode, so talking to her was the logical choice.
“Girl, I know that. He just makes me want to drop it low and sweep the floor, girl. Did I show you his pic?” I asked, grabbing my phone to bring up the pics he forwarded to me in our many text messages. They were tasteful, shirtless photos showing his reward from regular gym visits. I was impressed.
“Only a hundred times,” she responded dryly while trying on outfits from my closet. I fell out laughing at her lack of enthusiasm because we both know when she really feeling someone, she did the same thing.
“Whatever, girl. Just help me find an outfit.”
While we were looking through shoes and clothes, my door flew open, and Shanna came in all smiles. Her and Vice barely got along, but I wasn’t really sure what the beef was about. Me, Vice, and Skye
were thick as thieves, and they didn’t have other friends. In Vice’s world, it was the three of us. She didn’t like Shanna, but she tolerated her for my sake. I just hated to choose, and luckily Vice and Skye never made me. They were firm believers in giving people enough rope to hang themselves, and being right there at the perfect time to kick the chair from under them. Vice mentioned it was something about her that she couldn’t put her finger on, but she didn’t beat that horse.
“Folks can tell you what you want to hear, but they always show you what you need to see. You just have to be patient,” was Vice’s only advice for me when it came to Shanna.
I heard her loud and clear, and I kept one ear to the ground when it came to her. She seemed regular to me, no shade at all, but you never knew what people saw on the outside looking in. So far, she had been a cool friend, but time always shows that other side.
“This is the one, girl!” Shanna squealed as she held up a cute pair of ripped jeans and a Marathon cropped hoodie. “Wear this with a wedge sneaker and some gold hoops and you’ll be all the way in there. A DMX concert is not the time to pull out a ball gown,” she said, laughing hard at herself afterward.
I was cracking up too, but Vice just sat there looking at her with the stank face. She was so annoying sometimes.
“I was just saying that to Vice. I want to be cute but not overly dressed,” I responded as I held the outfit in front of my body while looking at it in my full-length mirror. She had a cute little style about her, and I actually agreed with her choice. I chose to ignore Vice’s attitude for the time being. I would talk to her in private once Shanna was gone.
“I like this choice. I think I’m going to go with it. I was thinking of wearing my hair up in a sloppy pony. That way, my hoops could be seen, and I wouldn’t get hot once the show started.”
“Yep, that sounds like a plan!”
We chatted back and forth, Vice never once jumping in the conversation or breaking her stare from Shanna. Shanna was unbothered as fuck, though, as she moved around the room, helping me pick out shoes and jewelry, and eventually helping me practice my face with some new pallets I just got in from The Crayon Case. She was definitely more hype about the date than my best friend, and I almost couldn’t wait for her to leave so that I could pick Vice’s brain about it.
After about an hour or so, Shanna bid us good night after bragging about this guy’s pockets she was digging in. She never gave us a name, but just said she was basically using him for money and sex.
“I’m on some eating-pineapples-and-tasting-like-candy-to-these-niggas-all-summer type shit,” she said as she gathered herself up to go. “This one been sniffing around me for a while, and I’m thinking I might let him sample the pot.”
“Okay, cool. See your way out.” Vice finally spoke from the bed, not even bothering to look up from her phone. Best friend was really showing out that night, so it was probably best for Shanna to go now.
The look Shanna gave her would have definitely got her shit split had she been anyone else, but I could understand it. Vice was definitely being overly aggressive, and we hadn’t the slightest clue why. She reached in and gave me a hug, afterward glancing at Vice once more. Vice was doing a great job pretending she was invisible.
“It’ll be show time in no time. Get ready to show out!” she said real hype to me. “Have a great night, Vicerean,” she threw toward Vice. Vice didn’t even so much as grunt a reply. We made eye contact once more before she turned to leave, saying goodbye to my parents before closing the door behind her.
“Bitch, what’s your problem?” I asked her as I began to pick up strewn clothing and putting them back where they belonged while I still had the energy.
“I don’t trust no bitch from the Ville. Don’t she hang with Mina and Karen? We all know those hoes ain’t loyal,” she said while rolling her eyes, the scowl on her face evident. “They always setting motherfuckers up. I’m good on them project-ass hoes.”
“Bitch, you from the same projects!” I said, falling out laughing.
She eventually started laughing with me as the stereotype set in. “Yeah, I am, bitch, but they from 54th Street. They grimy on that end.”
“I hear you, beloved,” I said in my Aunt Yani (Iyanla Vanzant) voice. “You know I got my eye on everybody, but you need to chill. She was just trying to be nice.”
“Man, fuck that bitch and that raggedy-ass outfit she picked out. We going to get you some fresh shit after work tomorrow.”
We laughed some more, and then she eventually left too. I finally responded to Kevin’s texts that he sent while we were in there messing around, and it seemed that he was really a sweet guy. I’d see how far he was willing to take it in the coming weeks, but for now, I decided to just live in the moment. Surely if some bullshit was in the midst, I was usually wise enough to see it a mile away. For now, I wasn’t worried.
As we sent our last few texts, I got myself comfortable and fell asleep. I was hype about this concert, and I couldn’t wait for it to get there.
Selah
Enough Is Enough
So I decided that enough was enough with Sajdah. I felt like I’d spent our entire lives trying to appease her. She had the sense of entitlement for some reason, and it was really damn irritating. She always had to be coddled, and right now, I just wasn’t in the mood. She was making moving in with Chase look real appealing. I’d been home for a few days, trying to make amends with her, and she was acting real catty. I wasn’t beat for the bullshit. Even my mom pulled me to the side to ask me what the deal was, and I didn’t have an answer for her. My parents never really got in our shit, so for my mom to notice and say something confirmed that Sajdah was acting the fuck up.
“Baby, I know you love your sister,” my mom said to me as we ate lunch together on our break. She worked in the building a few doors down from where I worked, and we often met up for lunch dates when weather permitted. “But sometimes you just have to let people be in their own space. You’re not responsible for your sister’s happiness.”
That shit made me bust out in tears. I always protected Sajdah, and I had no idea what I was trying to protect her from now. It was all so confusing to me. I didn’t really know how to let her do her own thing because we’d been doing our thing as a team for so long. I didn’t want to let her go. I wasn’t ready to ride solo.
“I’m just trying to figure out what I did to her,” I explained as I wiped my face. I was hurt, and my mom could clearly see it. I could see it in her eyes—the same eyes that matched mine and Sajdah’s. She was hurting for us.
“Stop trying. If she wants you to know, she’ll tell you. If she never does, then don’t stress about it. Growing apart hurts sometimes, but you’ll always have us. Even your sister, although it doesn’t look like it right now.”
She leaned in and gave me a hug only a mother could possess. I needed someone other than Skye and Vice to help me through this, and without having to ask, my mom came right on time. I decided to just let Sajdah be great for now, and the chips would fall where they would. She wanted to act funky, cool. I’d always have her back. Right now, I just had to love her from a distance for a while. I had hope that she would eventually come around and at least talk to me. We never held grudges forever. Come to find out, there’s a first time for every damn thing.
When I got back to the office, there was a bouquet of yellow roses on my desk. I smiled, but that didn’t take away from the fact that I had been trying to reach Chase since the night before. He had never not answered my call or not returned a text. When I looked at my phone, he still hadn’t texted back from when I first got to the office. I even tried hitting him on Face Time, but it kept saying he was unavailable. I was trying not to get worried. He didn’t say he was going anywhere. Normally he let me know when he was going out of town or had to step away for a while. He didn’t mention either.
I picked the card off of the roses, and it was from Chase, requesting my presence at his condo after work. This time,
the roses didn’t ease my frustration. Why wouldn’t he answer my calls? I picked up my phone to try him again and got the same thing. No answer. I was pissed. I started to leave work early and go over there, but I had too much to get done to roll out early.
I could barely concentrate as I struggled through the rest of the day. I was definitely going to read his ass up one side and down the other. I would not be disrespected, and we were not about to start this disappearing shit so early in the relationship. Damn the jokes.
I was on time at the clock that day, hopping straight in a Lyft to go to Chase’s house. The driver could not move his car fast enough for me. I was prepared to go in there swinging if necessary. This was not about to become a habit with him. What the hell got into him? He’d never done anything like this before, and by the time I got done, he would think twice about doing it again. I would not be treated like some rugrat-ass bitch.
When I finally got to his house, I typed the code into the keypad to let myself in. I stormed up the steps only to find an empty living room. It smelled like food had been cooked, but when I went to the kitchen, it was completely clean. My blood was boiling at this point. I grabbed my phone and dialed Chase again, thinking maybe I would hear it ring in the house, and it went straight to voicemail again. Livid at this point, I took the steps two at a time up to his master bedroom. It was completely quiet as I crept up to the door, hoping I would hear something on the other side.
When I opened the door, I was shocked as a million balloons rushed out of the door toward me. I didn’t know what the hell was happening at first. Finally, as the onrush of pink started to subside, I was able to walk into the room, where I found Chase sitting at a table set up with dinner and candlelight. He was looking damn good in only a bathrobe and slippers. I almost forgot I was mad at him.
“Come in and have a seat, love. I’ve been waiting on you.”