by Anna J.
I got to the party off campus around ten. The guard at the door worked for my brother, so he knew not to pat me down as I walked inside. It was lit up in there. Girls half-dressed, dancing on each other, and the guys just taking it all in. I made my way inside and found a spot right by the bar. I was informed that one of the waitresses, who was also on my brother’s team, would help me distribute the free samples so that folks knew to come to me. The waitress knew better who the clientele was, as they worked in there and basically knew everybody. My brother made this really easy for me for my first time out, and I wanted him to be proud of me.
As the night went on, the waitress kept coming back to cop more drugs from me, always with the correct money. I was almost out of product, which I was sure was a great thing. This was a nice easy setup, but I needed to come up with a way to remove the waitress out of the equation. I needed direct sales straight to the customer, so that they could buy whenever they wanted and not just party nights on the weekends. In the back of my head, I could hear my brother telling me to move slow and let the grind settle in, but I wasn’t sure how much longer his voice would matter to me. I just needed to get put on. I didn’t need someone to run shit for me.
I didn’t know at the time, but this was the beginning of our separation. I definitely wasn’t prepared for it, but I knew whatever came of it, I had to make it out on top.
Sajdah
Desperate Calls
Chase was in no way ready for marriage. Hell, neither was Selah. But if things were going to go the way I planned, I had to make a desperate move. What girl didn’t want a pretty ring? As different as we were, Selah and I were the same person inside and out. I knew exactly what to do to get my sister in line because it was all the things I would have wanted for myself. I knew what made her tick. It wasn’t like I hadn’t met men that could do it. I just didn’t want to be tied down in a relationship right now. At this point in my career, it would definitely be forced, and I didn’t have enough energy to keep up a façade. All of this shit had me jealous as fuck low key, but I’d rather it be her than some other random-ass bitch.
Truth be told, I hated my sister. Had for a long time. Since we were kids. I loved her just as much, though, so it was a constant battle between the two emotions. You ever want to kill someone, but want them to live? I felt like that every day for the past fifteen years.
She was so much better than me at everything. Well, everything except for schoolwork. I had that in the bag. She just wasn’t really interested in applying herself. Making friends, personality, sports . . . all I had on her was that I was damn near a genius. It was so hard for me to make friends back then, and still kind of now. Once my mom started allowing us to not do the twin thing 24/7, I was lost in the sauce. Her fashion sense was impeccable, even as a child. I hated that people were just naturally attracted to her. She got along with everyone so easily, and I was always “the other twin.” It was so annoying.
I would never forget when she met Skye and Vice. We were put in separate classes in the second grade so that we could learn to be independent. They tried to separate us well before that, but my mom was against it. It took for my dad to finally put his foot down for my mom to agree. I was just as nervous as she was about the separation, but my dad said we needed to find ourselves.
“They can see each other once the day is over,” he told her over breakfast one morning as we got ready to head out.
We knew we were going to be separated. We stayed up half the night talking about it. Selah was so excited about meeting new people and making new friends. She tried to get me on board, but I wasn’t feeling it. It was always just us.
“And it will always be us, Sissy. You’ll be right next door,” she assured me, hugging me extra tight and telling me we should get some rest. I wanted to believe her, I really did, but I knew better. Nothing good was going to come from this.
I had so much anxiety when we woke up that morning. I couldn’t even eat breakfast without feeling like it was going to come back up. Our parents fed us good, but out of all the food we had to pick from, all I could manage was a piece of toast and half a glass of orange juice. Selah ate it all—the sausage, waffles, fruit, and cheese eggs with two slices of toast and a big cup of juice to wash it down. Clearly, she was unbothered. I was quiet the entire ride over, while Selah talked enough for everyone in the car.
The drive to the school that morning felt quicker than normal, not really giving me enough time to prepare mentally or physically. We got to Selah’s classroom first. She let my mom’s hand go and ran inside with no problem. We stood in the doorway as she found the seat with her name on it and immediately started making friends with the people on either side of her.
My mom had to basically drag me to my classroom. I stood frozen in front of the class as the teacher introduced me, begging my mom with my eyes to not leave me there with those people as she stood at the door. She left, and I instantly felt betrayed. How could they do this to me?
I put on my big girl panties and held my guard up for the rest of the day, often wondering how Selah’s day was going. I was not about to let those strangers see me cry, although I was on the brink of busting out in uncontrollable frustration at any given time.
By the time we got to recess, Selah was just out there living her best life with her new friends. I was devastated. I just knew she was missing me and having separation anxiety. Clearly, she was having a ball without me, and I was hurt. I knew in my heart that was when the hate began. She didn’t even make eye contact with me while we were out there. It was like she already forgot about me. That for sure ruined the rest of my day, and I spent the rest of it just wishing it were over.
When we got home on the first day, she was so excited to share with our parents everything that happened and the new friends that she made. She just went on and on about how cool her teacher and classroom was, and how nice everyone was to her. She wanted to plan a play date and everything. Meanwhile, the little girls in my class were calling me a monster because I had freckles and light eyes, and the boys kept calling me Same Face because I had an identical twin. What did she have that I didn’t? We were twins. We were supposed to be the same. Why did they do this to us? That was the beginning of our separation, and it only got harder from there.
We shared a room for a long time. Our parents tried for a third child for years. They wanted a boy, but unfortunately, it never happened. Before it became my bedroom, it used to be a nursery painted a soft blue, with all boy paraphernalia. I faintly remember my mom’s belly getting big, but after a weekend at my grandparents’, we came back home and her stomach was flat again. A week after that, all the stuff was stripped from the room, the walls were repainted a soft lilac, and I suddenly had a new space. I was terrified! I had been sharing a room with my sister since birth.
First separate classes, now separate sleeping spaces. This was getting to be too much for my little mind to handle. Plenty of nights, I would get scared and sneak into my sister’s room during the wee hours of the morning. She would always scoot over and let me in with no problem. She would tell me everything was fine, and she would hold me until I fell back to sleep. She loved me unconditionally, but my hate grew more as the days went by. I was such a horrible person. The fucked-up part was I didn’t care. I had stopped caring a long time ago.
Pretty soon after that, no matter how scared I was, I would force myself to stay in my room by myself, fighting whatever demons my little mind conjured up. Every time I went to visit Selah, she would talk me to death about her day and all the new people that I didn’t give a fuck about. She took a particular liking to Skye and Vicerean, and she wanted me to meet them so that we could all be friends. Who were these people that were taking my sister away from me? At first, I declined the offer, but then I got smart about it. I needed to see who the competition was. I needed them to know that I was a permanent fixture, no matter how close they got.
“Make sure you find me at recess, Sissy. I can’t wait to introdu
ce you to them.” She completely missed the look on my face as she ran to catch up with her new friends after giving my dad a hug goodbye. She embraced them once she got close, and they immediately started incessant chatter about God knows what.
I was already over it. I studied the girls from a distance, already passing judgment on them both. One had light skin like us, the other had a pretty caramel complexion, both with thick long ponytails that matched ours. They seemed pretty nice, I guess. They were definitely getting along with my sister with no problem. I decided I would at least give them a chance and see what would come of it.
Recess couldn’t come fast enough. I watched the clock all morning, barely hearing anything the teacher said. I couldn’t even understand why I was so nervous. These girls had to be nice people. My sister wouldn’t introduce me to anyone that wouldn’t like me. She had to be confident enough in their friendship to bring them into ours. Just when I thought I couldn’t take another second, the school bell rang, indicating it was time for lunch. I could hardly eat anything, but I managed to choke down half my sandwich and my drink, silently rushing my classmates to finish eating so that we could get outside.
For some reason, the sun was extra bright that day when we got out there, but I was able to zone in on my sister with ease. I half skipped, half trotted my way over to her, ready to meet these new girls that I would be calling friends as well.
You ever meet someone for the very first time and instantly hate them? Something goes through your body, and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, warning you that something just ain’t right about them. You just can’t put your finger on it, but you feel it all the way down in your soul. That person ain’t to be trusted in the least little bit. You hate them, but you don’t know why just yet. I felt just like that when I met Vicerean. It was like I came face to face with the devil, and I knew she and I would never click in this life or the next. I wanted her ass gone, but I immediately put a fake-ass smile on my face for my sister’s sake.
“Hi, I’m Sajdah. Nice to meet you.”
“I know who you are, Same Face. We put two and two together when you showed up looking like her.”
They all busted into laughter, even my sister, and I was shocked. She didn’t see anything wrong with what she said? Why didn’t she protect me? I wanted to snap her head off at the neck.
“And we are the cutest twins in the city,” my sister said, giving me a huge hug, sensing my uneasiness. “Come on. Let’s play hopscotch before Tamara’s fat ass comes over.”
They all laughed again, but I felt uneasy. I was convinced she had my sister brainwashed or something. Every time we made eye contact, she would make a face at me or stick her tongue out. Nobody else saw this bitch but me, and just as I thought I wouldn’t be able to contain myself any longer, the bell rang again, indicating that it was time to go back inside. My sister gave me a hug, afterward being grabbed by Vicerean to follow her to get in line. She held on to my sister’s arm possessively as an evil smirk came across her face. The three of them chatted nonstop all the way in the building, Vice turning one last time to give me a dirty look before they got all the way inside. I couldn’t wait for school to be over to let my sister know what had happened.
When we got into our mom’s car after school, Selah just went on and on about her friends and how happy she was that we got along. I was looking at her like, bitch, please. I fucking hated them. Skye never even attempted to connect with me, and Vice clearly had some type of girl crush on her. I didn’t want neither one of them around her, but she wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise. I decided it would be easier for me to just watch out for them until I could get a solid read on them. If for nothing else, I knew for sure we weren’t going to be cool with each other at all. Vicerean and I made sure of it.
Chase
The Rise to the Top
It took about a year, but finally I had a team. My brother was starting to trust me with more work, and I was moving it nicely around campus. At one point, it was starting to be too much, and I ended up recruiting my dormmate to help me make moves. He was just as hungry as I was, if not hungrier. Unlike my brother and I, he actually came from poverty, having arrived on a full ride with the help of a basketball scholarship and unlimited prayers from his grandmother’s church family, who stilled prayed for him on a daily basis even though he was away.
He was a very humble person that walked a straight path, even though his was full of ridiculous obstacles along the way. He carried around perseverance like a bible and knew whatever he did affected everyone that meant anything to him. It was a hard choice to make, but I knew he would never cross me. He had way more riding on it than I did. All I had to do was graduate, and my career was practically lined up for me. He carried the entire hood on his shoulders, an honor he didn’t take lightly. Not one time did I hear him complain about it.
He was every stereotype I was not. Product of a crack mom and partially raised by an alcoholic father. He grew up in the projects and survived off government food boxes and what food stamps his dad didn’t sell to get liquor. This was back when people received paper stamp booklets and not a SNAP card. He was the oldest of three, having two younger sisters to look out for. College was his way out, and even though he knew how to dribble a ball, he was smart as shit, too. We clicked immediately when we met.
He didn’t have the same benefits I had of growing up almost rich, so when my parents loaded my card for the month, I always made sure we had the best shit to eat, and a few times I even copped him a pair of sneakers because his were run down and he didn’t have anyone back home that he could call to support him. We wore the same size clothes, so whatever I had was his too, and we just rocked out like that. He was down for whatever and even helped me on a few projects for a class that I was having trouble with.
Once I realized that I needed help if I was going to elevate to the next level, there was no doubt in my mind that he would be the one. I was surprised he wasn’t already on some shit considering his background, but I wasn’t judging him. He made it out, and as far as I was concerned, we would both make it through college. I had my big brother to look up to, who was about to graduate, so my bread couldn’t stop once he was gone. I had to secure the bag so that I could still eat once his time was done here.
“How do you feel about going into the distribution business?” I asked him one night while we were playing Call of Duty on my PS3. I knew he was nervous about messing up his opportunity, and I wouldn’t want him to jeopardize his future fucking around with me. He had more to lose than I did.
“I’m down for whatever,” he responded without hesitation.
I knew for sure at that moment that I would take him with me all the way to the top. He knew exactly what I was talking about, no explanation required. He was loyal, and I’d never heard any shade from him or about him. He was always grateful for my help, and now was my opportunity to set him up so that he didn’t have to depend on anyone either. We wouldn’t be in college forever, and he would still need to keep getting paid whether I was there or not.
I never regretted that decision. We continued to have the conversation in code as we played the game to make certain no one walking by could eavesdrop and possibly report us to the school. We were about to blow up, but who knew all the bullshit that would come with it.
My brother was not happy that I was starting to recruit a team. My shit with him was, how did he expect me to grow if I didn’t make moves? There was no way possible I was going to be able to keep up the type of volume I had by myself. Unless he didn’t want me to grow . . . but I didn’t even want to think that about him. He wasn’t the hating type as far as I knew. People always had a way of showing you something unexpected, though. That was a guarantee.
I knew that college was important, so I made sure to stay up on all my classes, and I made the best grades I could. I’d been on the dean’s list since I dropped in on the scene, so nothing I was doing would bring shame to my family by getting kicked ou
t of school as far as my education was concerned. This drug shit was another beast that I kept well hidden. I was so far under the radar I was undetectable. My team was very loyal, or so I thought. At that moment in time, it was like smooth sailing.
My college studies taught me how to manage a team effectively, so it was obvious that was the way to run our team, and my dormmate agreed. My brother’s girlfriend was in school for accounting, so it was only fitting to hire her to keep our books. She loved the idea because it gave her hands-on practice for when she opened up her own firm after graduation, and she set up the records like a fictional company as if it were a part of her curriculum. My brother was pissed, but we didn’t care. We needed an accurate record of what was coming and going so that we knew how to move. I was surprised that he wasn’t already utilizing her services. I dig drug dealers don’t do taxes, but you still had to track the comings and goings. How else would you know if shit wasn’t adding up? Maybe I was just underestimating him, but I had to do what I had to do for me at the end of the day. This was how I wanted to run my business. The end. Period.
“Why would you involve Chantel in this shit?” he asked as he tested our newest product they called Sunday Morning. I was a little taken aback to see that he was disobeying the number one commandment: never get high on your own supply. That’s why we had testers. What good would he be if he was skimming off the top of his own shit? That would quickly get you dismissed. He knew this shit, but he was our leader for now, so I found it best to keep my opinion to myself no matter how taken aback and disgusted I was with him. He knew better, and his actions were quickly changing my opinions about him as a role model.
“She’s not involved in anything,” I explained to him as I watched him nod and drool a little. I was repulsed and couldn’t wait to get back to the dorm to run this past my dormmate. It might be time for us to step up sooner than later if we were going to keep this thing going without him.