by L. A. Sable
The other girls aren’t exactly friendly during the rest of practice, but none of them will jeopardize their spots with open animosity. I have to take it slow during warm-ups because the ache in my back has morphed into a fiery electric pain that zaps down my limbs. And I demur when the coach asks if I want to dive again, telling her I’d like to watch the others for a bit.
By the end of the hour long practice, I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus all over again. My movements are slow as I pack my duffel bag after practice and I can barely lift my arms high enough to sling the bag over my shoulder.
“I hope you can keep up,” Chloe remarks snidely as she passes by with Ocean and Grace right behind her. “If you’re not careful, you’ll be back on the bottom where you belong.”
“I appreciate the vote of confidence,” I say pleasantly, relishing the brief expression of confusion that crosses her face. “It’s important to always try your best.”
“You are such a freak,” she murmurs before stomping away.
As much as I want to grab onto her long ponytail and use it to swing her into the metal bleachers, I’ve decided that the best way to handle Chloe is to be as outwardly friendly as possible, no matter how she acts. I want to be the least likely suspect when my plan finally comes to fruition. Nobody suspects the girl who is always smiling.
Once they’re gone, I slump down onto the nearest bench, catching my breath and willing the pain in my back to recede from agonizing to something more manageable. I’m not looking forward to the walk back to the dorms and part of me wonders if I can even make it all the way there without collapsing. It won’t do much for my image if anyone finds me on the courtyard passed out like a drunk coed.
With the pain comes dark thoughts, reminders of what I’ve suffered. When I woke up in that hospital, my hands were tied down so I wouldn’t tear at the lines or tubes attached to my body from panic. My legs had been too heavy to lift from the muscle relaxers. So for a few terrifying minutes I’d thought my inability to move was permanent and I was paralyzed.
Everyone in this entire school had stood idly by while I was tormented last term and no one had bothered to speak even a word in my defense. And all of it had culminated in the most humiliating experience of my life that had driven me out in the parking lot to be pushed in front of a bus.
I’m still in a dark mood from those thoughts and the pain when Charlie finds me. The surprise of her appearance is enough to make me snarl a response when she taps me on the soldier. “What?”
She immediately rears back and snatches her hand away. “Sorry, it’s me. I just wanted to say hi.”
I shake my head to clear it, forcing down my awareness of both my physical and emotional suffering as much as I can. “You surprised me. What are you doing here?”
Charlie holds up a camera and waves it at me. “Taking pictures for the yearbook. I think I told you I joined the committee last term.”
“Sure,” I say, even though I have literally no memory of having that conversation. “Were you taking pictures of swim practice?”
“Yep, and I got a great one of your dive. It will make it into print for sure.”
“That camera is digital, right? You should put the picture up on Inner Circle.”
She glances down at the camera, expression hesitant. “I don’t know if I’m supposed to do that.”
I raise an eyebrow and even I can tell the look I give her is full of disdain. "Were you specifically told not to post any pictures on the app?”
“No—”
“Then, it’s better to beg for forgiveness than to ask permission. C’mon Charlie, just do it.”
“Yeah, okay. I’ll do it when I get back to the computer lab.”
Her curly hair is frizzing around her head from the humidity of the pool house and I want to tell her that she needs a better leave-in conditioner, but bite my tongue on the observation. When I look at her now, I see her differently. The nervous edge that makes her seem a bit like a deer in headlights and the constant fidgety movements that draw attention to just how uncomfortable she is in her own skin stand out clearly to me in a way they never have before. I can’t help but wonder if those were the same weaknesses that the Diamonds saw in me last year, this air of not quite belonging. No wonder I’d made such an easy target.
“Did you want something else?” I ask to break the sudden silence. All I want is to go back to my room and take a hot shower, but I don’t want anyone to see me struggling with my bag or shuffling like an old lady with a bad back, not even Charlie. “Practice is over.”
“No, just…” she trails off and then clears her throat. “We haven’t talked much since you got back and I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”
“I’m fine,” I reply shortly.
Charlie bites her lip in response to the sharpness of my tone, but doesn’t address it. “Congratulations on making it to the team. It was hard for me to decide whether to get a picture of your epic dive or Chloe’s face. She looked ready to shit an entire brick.”
The ghost of a smile touches my lips before it fades. “She definitely seems stoked to have me on the team.”
“So are you going to tell me what all this is about?” Charlie finally asks, sinking down to sit next to me on the metal bleachers.
I can’t think of a worse time to have this conversation with her, the pain makes it difficult to form so much as a coherent thought. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t treat me like I’m stupid,” she insists, pointing at me with the camera that’s still in her hand. “You’re like a totally different person since you got back. You hated diving last term and now you’ve joined the team. And all of a sudden, you’re hanging out with all the Diamonds, having lunch and giving them rides into town.”
“You sound jealous,” I can’t help but point out.
“I’m not jealous,” she insists, a little too forcefully. “But they were so awful to you last year and now you’re playing nice.”
I glare at her, my tenuous control on my anger about to snap at any moment. “Maybe I’m just following your example. You’re the one who said that she would do anything to avoid being Proli. How did you manage that, I wonder?”
Her mouth falls open slightly before she catches herself and it snaps closed. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Are you sure?” I press, staring at her. The vague suspicions that swirl through my mind have spared no one and I can’t help but recall that Charlie’s behavior hasn’t always seemed completely innocent. She knows more than she’s telling me, but I want to be sure before making any decisions. “You can’t think of anything you’ve done since coming to Black Lake to ensure that you don’t end up on the bottom of the heap that might not be total good guy behavior?”
She shakes her head. “No.”
But there’s enough hesitation in her voice to plant the seed of doubt that can grow into something all-consuming. Trust doesn’t last long in a place like Black Lake Prep. Because ultimately, everyone is out for themselves.
“Look, I think we can both agree that there are things you have to do to survive around here.” Forcing myself to my feet, I sling the bag over my shoulder and wince as another spike of pain moves down my back. “I made the mistake last year of thinking I could keep myself outside of the system, but that just isn’t how it works. If that’s a problem for you, then I’m not sure what else to say.”
Before she can say anything else, I brush past her and toward the double doors. Even though I’m the one walking away, I can’t help the smallest twinge of regret when I glance back and catch a glimpse of her stricken face. If Charlie is innocent, then the way I’m treating her is a total dick move. But I also know that she would have done almost anything last term to prevent herself from being a voted a Proli, which leaves just enough room for suspicion.
The walk back to the dorms is just as excruciating as I thought it would be, but I manage to make it without collapsing. It feels as if every muscle
in my back is spasming and even a hot shower and some stretching isn’t enough to make it stop.
In the bathroom, I reach for the small lockbox under the sink and the key I wear on a chain around my neck. Inside of the box is a veritable pharmacy, the painkillers and muscle relaxants that have been prescribed to me in abundance over the last few months. I know that stockpiling them is a bad idea, but I couldn’t fight the idea that they might come in handy at some point.
I swallow two large white pills with a handful of water from the sink. It’s impossible to know if the immediate loosening of the tight muscles in my back is actually an effect of the medication or just a placebo, but I’m grateful for the relief all the same. I wanted to be stronger than the pain, but my performance at the diving tryouts and the tense conversation with Charlie had pushed it all over the edge.
Giving in just this once isn’t the end of the world. At least, that’s what I tell myself as I neatly place the bottle back in the box and lock it. I’m very aware of the fact that my medication has a street value, especially at a place like Black Lake where spoiled rich kids are desperate to feel something aside from existential malaise. If my plan to take down Chloe and replace her at the top of the food chain doesn’t work out, at least I’ll be the girl with an endless supply of party favors. None of the Diamonds are pill poppers, but there are plenty of other votes to potentially buy.
But aside from the ethical issues surrounding drug dealing, I want to prove to both the Diamonds and everyone else that I can make a place for myself among them.
A sense of peace washes over me as the narcotics do their job. It’s a tempting feeling I realize, to have all the pain and frustration wash away for a few blissful moments. I wonder what it might be like to numb myself to all of it, drift away to a place where nothing can touch me.
My phone pings with a notification just as I shut the bathroom door behind me. A thrill of anticipation runs through me like it always does now when I check the app. Tracking the waves in the social order is like a playing the slot machine as I wait for the next hit of something juicy. But the message isn’t any sort of gossip. Instead, it’s a forum wide announcement for a boat race this weekend on the lake. To compete, students have to sign up in teams of five.
And I already have a good idea of who I want to be trapped on a boat with for several hours on a Saturday.
Pain forgotten, I send a flurry of private messages through the app. I tell myself that my eagerness is simply a result of how well my plan is going, but I can’t stop the thrill of excitement that courses through me. But ultimately, I came back to Black Lake to accomplish one goal: take down everyone who had hurt me. It doesn’t matter how attractive the guys are or how good it feels to have the attention of the entire school, none of it is real.
Feelings don’t matter. I have a job to do.
Chapter 9
Saturday morning dawns bright and clear, one of the last beautiful days left before the cooler weather and color changes of Fall. The Pavilion has gone quiet as I put the finishing touches on my makeup and adjust the strap of my new bikini. It’s a halter top with a perfectly placed cut out over my chest and straps that wrap around to the front so it looks like I’m a pretty package tied with a bow. Over it, I wear a sheer coverup that’s only one step removed from being lingerie.
I can’t help the expression of triumph that I know tilts my features when I catch my own reflection in the tall mirror on the door.
When I’m finally ready to go, Kai is already waiting on the other side as I open the door, a wide grin on his face.
“Hi,” I say, surprised as I try to school my expression. “What are you doing here?”
“You tricked us,” Kai says good-naturedly as he steps back so I can lock the door. “The other guys didn’t realize until this morning that you invited all of us to the boat race.”
“Everyone is in teams of five,” I reply, holding my bag out to him as I fumble with the keys. “We wouldn’t stand much of a chance if it were just the two of us.”
“True,” he acknowledges. “Although that means you can’t fault me for stealing a few minutes by walking you down to the lake.”
“You are always a pleasant surprise,” I assure him as I finish locking the door and realize with another burst of surprise that I mean it. It isn’t all just playacting, at least part of me enjoys the attention and thrill of flirtation. “It took me longer than I thought it would to get ready. Have you been waiting out here long?”
“Not at all,” he says so cheerfully that I have no idea if he’s telling the truth. Then he waggles his eyebrows suggestively. “And you know I’d wait as long as it takes for you.”
“Oh my God, sappy much.” But I don’t stop the natural blush from suffusing my cheeks at his words. Like everything else about Kai, flirting with him is easy. It’s as if he doesn’t know how to make things difficult. “That’s a little too smooth, even for you.”
“Are you accusing me of being insincere?”
“Oh, never.” The banter comes naturally between us just like it did from day one when he was only setting me up to be humiliated. Maybe that’s why I’m never quite convinced that he means what he’s saying. “But you know what they say about nice guys.”
“Ouch.” He holds his hand to his chest with an exaggerated wince of pain. “The real race hasn’t even started and you’re telling me I’m already in last place. That’s rough.”
“All’s fair in love and war.”
I have to resist the urge to take his hand as we wind our way down the long pathway through campus. Our steps have fallen into a natural rhythm on the cobblestones and it’s hard not to feel like we’re strangely in sync, with a shared awareness of each other. Maybe it’s the sweet scent of freshly cut grass and blooming flowers that gives me a romantic vibe.
It’s obvious he senses the change in the mood too, judging by his next question.
“So is there a guy waiting for you back at New York?” he asks, deliberately staring straight ahead at the path in front of us so I can’t see his eyes. “I can only assume you left somebody there heartbroken.”
“You’re giving me way too much credit,” I tell him with a rueful smile. “I’ve spent most of my life completely invisible to the opposite sex.”
He cast me an incredulous look. “I don’t believe that.”
“It’s the truth,” I assure him. “I’ve had one boyfriend before and that lasted less than a few months before we broke up because he met someone else at band camp.”
His eyebrows go up as a smile curves his lips. “Band camp?”
“Yep.”
“I didn’t clock you as into the band geek type.”
“Oh, now you think you know my type,” I tease as we enter the wooded path that leads to the lake. My voice echoes through the trees, reminding me of how isolated this place can be. The buildings are out of sight and we’re far enough away that I can’t even hear the noise of people gathering for the race. “Please, tell me who would be the perfect guy for me.”
“Ruggedly handsome redheads with trust funds are never a bad choice,” he acknowledges with a wink. “But I get the feeling that looks and money don’t really do much for you.”
Genuine curiosity drags my gaze to his where he watches me a little too intently under the canopy of trees casting his face in shadow. “What is it I really want, then?”
“To be consumed,” he replies simply. “You want the sort of love that will take over your soul until nothing else matters. You want someone who would do anything for you.”
Our gazes meet for a heated moment as he stares down at me, the silence broken only by the chirping of birds and wind whispering through leaves. I wonder what would happen if I gave up on my quest for revenge and just accept whatever he’s offering. But that gossamer vision is chased away by the memory of screeching tires and the impact of bone striking metal, the sound that always rings through my head whenever I try to quiet my thoughts. How can I leave the past behind m
e when so much has been left unresolved?
“You’re only part right,” I murmur, casting him a seductive smile before I turn to continue down the path. “I want everything.”
I’d had no choice but to ask Asher to join our team because there wasn’t anyone else to round it out. I sure as hell wasn’t going to invite Chloe or one of her friends to join us and I’m deliberately keeping Charlie at arm’s reach right now. Although, as I catch the dark expression on his face, I can’t help but think I would have been better off inviting literally anyone else. He looks like he’s on the wrong side of a bender.
“If it isn’t Ms. Unfashionably Late,” he spits out as soon as he sees Kai and I coming down the steps toward the dock. “Thanks for keeping us all waiting.”
“The race doesn’t start for twenty minutes and we’re already all signed up,” Kai says easily, coming to a stop so he’s partly between Asher and me as we stand in a semi-circle. “Let’s all relax and have a good time.”
“Still gathering white knights, I see,” Asher bites out, his gaze passing from one of us to the other. He backs up toward the edge of the dock and it’s only Kai’s steadying hand on his arm that keeps him from falling into the water, which just makes him snap, “Get off me!”
“Are you hungover?” I ask, watching as he leans back against a wooden pillar and adjusts the sunglasses that I can only assume hide bloodshot eyes.
“You have to stop drinking to get a hangover,” Kai murmurs.