by Max Hudson
He hummed as he watched the rest of the carafe fill with coffee. While studying the dark liquid, he squinted and shrugged his shoulders, trying to shake away the discomfort he felt while recalling holiday memories with Evan.
The holidays were never my favorite. He knew that. Why in the world would he bring up such a topic around a time that I despise?
After a sigh, he carried his coffee back to the living room where he noticed the notification light on his phone blinking red. He lifted his phone, unlocked it, and discovered a text from Evan.
It read, “Do you want to go for a walk tomorrow in the park by the ocean? We could grab that hot chocolate we skipped on Saturday.”
Harvey sniffed with amusement as he relaxed into the couch. He took another sip of his coffee before setting it down, handling his phone with both hands. His thumbs hovered over the digital keyboard.
Though he wanted to walk with Evan, his heart was telling him otherwise.
What do I say? It's not like I'm doing anything else. I don't want to be around my family and I don't want to be alone.
His dilemma grew when another text arrived from Evan, saying, “You could come over and help me with some decorations.”
Harvey shook his head.
Every argument began with us decorating. We would spend hours in a fight while trying to make the living room appear cheerful. It was awful. I don't want to repeat that.
“I think a walk would be great,” he typed before he could change his mind. “Decorating, not so much.”
“Still a grump about Christmas, huh?”
“You should know.”
Evan sent a laughing emoji and added, “I'm just teasing you, Harv. I can pick you up tomorrow.”
“What are you doing tonight?”
“Do you miss me that much?”
Harvey rolled his eyes to the ceiling as a mischievous smirk played over his lips. He focused on his phone again and responded, “Maybe.”
“I'm busy tonight with some leftover game development. Otherwise, I would love to have you over.”
“I can be quiet.”
“You know I can't concentrate when you're around.”
Then, why are we even hanging out?
Harvey furrowed his brows as he typed, “I guess that's a blessing and a curse.”
“We always were able to be present for each other. Let's be easy about it this time around.”
“This time?”
Evan sent a heart emoji. “I think I like where we're going this time.”
“Really?”
“I mean, yeah. We seem to communicate a little better.”
Harvey huffed slightly, a smile lingering on his lips. “I guess time will tell us more. You're lucky I even want to see you so close to Christmas.”
“I'll take it as a gift from the universe.”
“I didn't think you still liked me this much. It makes me feel weird.”
“Is it too much?”
Harvey rested his phone on the coffee table. Though his spirits had been lifted since he had started seeing Evan again, he could hear the alarms blaring in the back of his brain.
It is too much. And I don't know how to express that.
He lifted his phone and typed, “Everything is fine. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Are you sure?”
“I'm absolutely sure. Don't worry yourself sick, Evan.”
“As long as you're sure. I'll see you tomorrow.”
After Harvey set down his phone, he reached for his coffee and took a few quick sips. The liquid had cooled enough to avoid burning his upper lip. As he took a greater gulp, he shrugged his shoulders to get the weird sensation out of his body.
But no matter how much he moved or shrugged, he couldn't rid himself of the worry that they were retracing heavily trodden paths from the past.
What do I do? How do I cope with this?
He shook his head and grabbed his coffee, walking to the patio door. He slid it open and stepped into the cool afternoon, leaving the door open behind him as he sank into one of the patio chairs. He studied the apartment complex around him, absorbing the sight of Christmas lights, garlands, and various other decorations that his neighbors annoyingly saw fit to hang up.
He slurped his coffee as he sat quietly. He listened to the city erupt around—the hum of traffic whooshing past the complex, dogs barking in the distance, and children giggling on the nearby playground. His ears perked up when he heard two men talking below. His eyes dropped to find them and located them in the parking lot just beneath his balcony.
When he tore away his gaze, he glanced at the building sitting across from him. The neighbor directly positioned across from his patio had green and red lights strung around the wooden gate guarding their patio. The lights blinked rhythmically even though it was relatively early in the afternoon.
He shook his head.
I haven't done any decorating. I haven't even gotten a tree. What's the point? I hate Christmas.
He sighed while setting his coffee mug on the table to his right. He folded his hands in his lap and continued observing the world around him. Something in the air had changed.
And it wasn't the weather.
It's me, he reflected. Something about me has changed. And it has something to do with Evan.
Chapter Eleven
Evan
Evan squinted at the horizon as he strolled lazily along the cement path. To his left, Harvey wandered at the same pace, appearing to be occupied with something other than the statues adorning the park. He studied the lines etched into Harvey's forehead, the eyebrows knit tightly above Harvey's nose, and the lips firmly drawn in a tight line above Harvey's chin.
“Something wrong?” he whispered curiously. “You look worried.”
Harvey perked up. His expression shifted, revealing a cool calm. “Just cold.”
“Again?”
“Hey, you know me.”
Evan chuckled lightly. “I do.”
“And you're a human heater. Why don't you share some of that?”
“Do you want me to wrap my arm around you?”
Harvey laughed. “Duh.”
Evan obediently slipped his arm around Harvey's shoulders. He smiled as Harvey nestled close, Harvey's hand hooking to the top of his zipper. Harvey played with the zipper idly.
“June is getting ready to burst,” Evan said. “I'm so excited.”
“Yeah, it must be exciting.”
“I can't wait to see her baby. I think she might ask me to be the godfather.”
Harvey nodded slowly. “That sounds wonderful.”
“I know you don't like kids, but maybe you could be a godfather, too.”
“I haven't quite worked on my mob outfit just yet.”
Evan cackled, pausing on the path to hold his gut. Harvey tugged him into a brief hug and then released him, inviting him to continue walking toward the edge of the park where the ocean met the shore.
“If you know I don't like kids,” Harvey spoke carefully, “then, why would you say something like that?”
“I figured it would be a good compromise.”
“I didn't realize that was something we were supposed to compromise on.”
Evan took a step back while retaining Harvey's hand. He frowned slightly as the breeze swirled around them, causing Harvey's messy hair to flutter around his forehead.
“I just figured we could talk,” he explained, “and maybe we could come to a sort of agreement.”
“What kind of agreement?”
“Something we could both agree on.”
Harvey let out a loud pfft and moved his hair out of his face. He kept his gaze on the ocean while blinking at the hair that didn't move out of his face.
“I don't know,” he sighed. “What would that even look like?”
“What would you want it to look like?”
“Evan, I don't want kids. That's a firm stance.”
Evan huffed slightly while releasing Harvey's hand. �
�It's just an idea.”
“I don't get why you would bring it up. I didn't want kids three years ago and I don't want them now.”
“I wasn't suggesting that we have kids, just that we live vicariously through someone else.”
Harvey shook his head. “I already do that with my pesky brothers. They have enough kids to make me avoid reproducing for another four lifetimes.”
“That's pretty harsh, Harvey.”
“Well, that's what I am: Harsh Harvey.”
Evan's frown deepened, the corners of his mouth digging into his jaw and prompting him to take another step away from Harvey. It was as if the energy radiating from Harvey was forcing him to put distance between them.
And Harvey noticed. He blinked rapidly as he asked, “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I just don't understand why you're hanging out with me if you know I want kids.”
“I guess I could ask you the same thing about me not wanting kids.”
Evan shrugged lightly while turning toward the ocean. He watched the waves lap at the shore, studying the way the seaweed shuffled underneath the white foam. After taking a deep breath, he slipped his hands into his pockets.
“I don't know,” he admitted. “I just wanted to talk about it.”
“Well, I don't.”
“I don't understand why you're being so hard about this.”
Harvey chuckled, though he hardly seemed amused. “I don't understand why it's something you continue to bring up.”
“Because it's part of what I want out of my life. And I want you in my life, so why wouldn't I try to find a solution that works for us both?”
“I don't see a solution to this, Evan.”
Evan swallowed hard. “You're being impossible.”
“No, I'm being reasonable. I've had enough experience with my nephews to know that having kids would be awful for me. I can't stand the sound of babies crying and I make an awful father figure.”
“With that attitude, you sure do.”
Harvey gaped at Evan. “See, that's why it wouldn't work.”
“Because I'm agreeing with you? I don't see what's wrong with that.”
“No, it's because you insist on pushing my boundaries. I don't want kids, Evan. That's it. End of story.”
Evan shook his head. “Then, I guess this won't work. Again.”
“You said that last time. How many times are you going to break up with me because of this?”
“I don't see you fighting for our relationship.”
Harvey gestured vaguely around him. “What's worth fighting for here? You won't let the past go and you won't allow me to have a future without any children involved.”
“I think you're the one who won't let go of the past. You keep harping on me about this.”
“Because you keep harping on me about this.”
Evan snorted with disdain. “I should have had June replace you the moment you walked into the cabin. I knew it was a bad idea.”
“I guess hindsight is twenty-twenty, huh?”
“You're confirming it pretty well right now, Harv.”
Harvey crossed his arms and shook his head. “And you're doing much the same. Is that all?”
“Actually, I think it was rotten of you to lead me on if you knew I wanted kids so badly. I think it was horrible that you kept seeking my company after realizing that I still want kids.”
“That's not my fault. I thought you changed.”
Evan huffed with defeat. “Yeah, I thought the same thing about you, sweetheart.”
“Don't call me that.”
“Well, it's better than the alternative.”
Harvey arched his right eyebrow. “We're already fighting. Go for broke. Call me whatever your little heart desires.”
“You wouldn't be able to handle it.”
“You're doing it again. You're trying to determine what I can and can't handle. You're trying to do things for me. I hate it when you do that, Evan.”
Evan shook his head. “Well, you're not very good at making decisions for yourself. How's that speeding ticket? Have you done enough community service to pay it off?”
“That's none of your business.”
“You made it my business. And I'm willing to bet that you'll make the same mistake again.”
Harvey laughed nervously. “All the more reason for me to avoid having children.”
“Yeah, you could say that again.”
Evan shoved his hands deeper into his pockets. As he stared at the waves crashing in front of him, his lower lip quivered and he felt a sob rising in his throat.
Not in front of Harvey, he begged silently. Don't break in front of Harvey. That's exactly what he wants.
He shook his head as he backed away from his ex-husband.
“I'm leaving. This is ridiculous.”
Harvey waved. “Bye, Evan.”
“You don't even care.”
“I did care at one point, Evan. But then you made it a point to demonize me and use it to sabotage something beautiful. Think about that over the holidays.”
Harvey flipped around on his heel, taking the opposite path to head back to the parking lot. Evan stared after Harvey with shock written all over his features, absorbing the last statement that Harvey had made.
He swallowed the sob attempting to rise from his throat all over again.
Am I sabotaging this? Does he really believe that?
He dropped his eyes to the cement path and studied the cracks, using the tip of his boot to trace them.
I don't think I should believe that for a second. Harvey is just pulling a Harvey. He's trying to get me to feel bad because he feels bad.
After a moment of silence, Evan turned around and briskly walked toward his car. He hopped inside and turned the key in the ignition, not bothering to wait for the engine to warm up before exiting the parking lot. He saw Harvey walking adjacent to the street leading to the park.
He pulled up next to Harvey and rolled down the passenger window.
“Harvey,” he called out. “You can't walk home. It's cold.”
“I'm fine!”
“Just let me drop you off.”
Harvey turned his bewildered gaze to Evan, eyes burning with anger. “I don't want your help!”
The sight of Harvey's enraged features inspired Evan to roll the window up and take off without a second thought. He drove until he got home, sitting in the driveway for a while as he stared at the steering wheel. He hadn't yet shut off his car. He hadn't even turned on the heat. The cab was freezing, biting through his winter coat, and causing him to shudder uncontrollably.
His lips quivered as he focused on the garage door.
It's over. And I think it's over for good this time.
He shut off the engine and stepped out of his car, slamming the door shut behind him. When he got inside, he stripped away his coat and hung it up near the door, turning his blurry vision to the empty foyer.
“I still love him,” he stated shakily. “How can I still love him when we can't agree on what we want?”
He shook his head as the sob he had desperately attempted to keep down broke from his throat. He stumbled toward the living room and dropped onto the couch, hugging one of the cushions to his face. As the air around him vibrated with sorrow, he continued crying into the pillow, unwilling to allow even his empty house to witness his frustration.
His tears soaked the pillow and caused the fabric to stick to his face. When he finally sat up, he sucked in great gulps of air, having been unable to breathe properly with his face shoved into a cushion. He shook his head as a few errant tears trickled down his cheeks.
After snorting to clear his nose and throat, he glanced at the fireplace sitting across from him. He noticed the charred brick, the stained hearth, and the metal pokers resting to the right. He dragged his eyes up to the mantel where a picture frame hosted a photograph of Harvey and him posing in front of a tree.
He darted across the room and
snatched the picture from its place, taking it to the kitchen. He dumped the frame into the trash and marched to the staircase, taking the steps by two. When he reached his room, he collapsed into his bed, hoping that the grief would soon pass.
And when it didn't, he reluctantly fell asleep.
Chapter Twelve
Harvey
Christmas music floated through the air as Harvey settled on a stool at the bar, drooping over the counter like a branch weighed too heavily by snow. He waved with a practiced grin at the bartender, inviting the man to walk over to him.
“Hey, Harv. What would you like?” the bartender asked.
“Scotch on the rocks, Greg. Two, please.”
“That bad, huh?”
Harvey chuckled. “Nah, Leo should be here in a few minutes.”
“Ah, the double duo at it again. There's karaoke later if you guys want to stick around.”
“I'll consider it.”
Greg chuckled and prepared the drinks, setting them on the counter in front of Harvey. Harvey paid for the drinks, left a rather large tip, and then shooed the bartender away. He felt someone pat his back and looked up to find his best friend standing next to him.
He grinned weakly. “Hey, Leo.”
“You doing all right? You have two drinks.”
“One is for you. I'm not even that bad.”
Leo chuckled and added, “Yet.”
“Hey, I've got a handle on my drinking.”
“You're certainly doing better than a few years ago.”
Harvey shrugged while he lifted his drink and took a quick sip. As he set it down, he whispered, “Well, that was the year my husband left me.”
“Are you sure you're feeling okay? You look pretty off.”
“You know I hate the holidays.”
Leo nodded. “I get it. I haven't seen my family in years.”
“I'm sorry, buddy. I forgot they don't invite you anymore.”
“Yeah, well...” Leo faded as he lifted his drink and downed the whole thing. He sighed as he relaxed into the stool next to Harvey and waved the bartender over for a refill. “I've got you.”
“And that's why we're here.”
“You ever think about moving out of the state and starting over?”