by Kit Eyre
‘Heavy on the vinegar, but you didn’t know I like brown sauce.’
I smothered my smile. ‘No, funny that.’
‘I’ll let you off on it.’ He ran his tongue over his fingers then wiped them off on his hat. ‘Warding off a boyfriend, were you?’
‘I’m gay,’ I replied.
He quirked an eyebrow. ‘Another one, eh? We’re not behind the times here, lovey. We’ve got one of your lot behind the bar. She’s twenty-eight, gorgeous legs. And the rest of it. Tell you what, since you gave me chips out of the goodness of your heart, I’ll put in a word for you.’
‘No, Simon, hang on . . .’
It was too late. He was bounding across to the bar like a Labrador and I buried my eyes into my beer. With any luck, he’d forget about it or he was just having a laugh at my expense anyway. I’d finish up and find somewhere else to drink.
‘Well, this is awkward,’ a female voice said.
I looked to the pretty brunette switching feet beside me. She wasn’t dolled up or anything but, like with Simon, I found something drawing me in. Maybe it was the Scottish accent, reminding me of my parents’ village, or just the break from reality. Either way, I wanted to let it play out.
So I smiled and leaned back in my chair. ‘Let me guess, Simon sent you.’
‘Yeah, he does this. Trust me, it’s easier if I sit down for a bit. Otherwise he’ll be having an argument about why the two lesbians in the place aren’t crawling all over each other. You are gay, right? Or did he get that wrong?’
‘No, he got that message loud and clear. I’m Danni.’
She took my hand and squeezed. ‘Eve. This is really bloody awkward, isn’t it?’
‘Shouldn’t you be working?’ I asked, shooting a glance towards my stick propped up beside the poker. I was pretty sure she hadn’t noticed it. ‘Simon said you worked behind the bar.’
‘Ah, he went and wangled me a cheeky break. Should take advantage of that, shouldn’t I?
‘I’ll keep you occupied for a bit if you want,’ I suggested.
The flash of her blue eyes as she sat down rippled through me. I reached for my beer and took a long gulp, buying time while she crossed her legs. They were as nice as advertised, though I was more attracted to her smile. It was open, as though she’d never kept a secret in her life.
‘You’re a local then?’ I asked.
‘Born and bred, probably till I die too.’
‘Can tell you love the place.’
She let out a belly laugh. ‘It’s got its perks. I’ve got family round here so I can slip them the odd drink when the boss isn’t looking. And I get to throw out the buggers who made my life hell at school when they get too rowdy on a Saturday night.’
‘Some of their drinks end up on the floor, do they?’
‘My boss’d kill me but . . . I’ve got butterfingers sometimes. Anyway, enough about me. We don’t get strangers in here much. What are you doing in Stirling?’
I shrugged. ‘Visiting someone.’
‘Come on, you can do better than that.’ She slipped off her heels and pointed her toes towards the fire. ‘Tell me about yourself. You running from something?’
‘Someone,’ I clarified before I could stop myself.
‘Ex?’ Eve queried. When I nodded, she continued, ‘Tell me about her if you want. You get into the swing of listening in this job. Besides, I bet it’s a damn sight more interesting than this bunch of fellas. You think they’re talking about their wives and it turns out they’re on about their favourite horses.’
I chuckled and ran my thumb around the base of my glass. I’d never spoken about this, not to Gemma, Harriet, my parents or the therapist I’d been dragged to at the turn of the year. It was bottled up in the past, only the last few weeks had brought it bubbling to the surface, today especially. There was no harm in talking to a complete stranger I’d never see again, not when the alternative was keeping a lid on it until I simmered over.
‘I got involved with a married woman,’ I began and she raised an eyebrow. ‘Yeah, not the smartest move in the book. I haven’t got a defence.’
‘Maybe you’re not the one who should be defending it. She was the one who was married.’
‘It’s not that simple. We all worked together and I – I made a right mess of everything. It was like I stuck myself in limbo on purpose, so I didn’t have to make a decision or something. I didn’t tell her how I felt. To be fair, though, she sprung it on me a bit. She was clued in well before me.’
Eve slanted the soles of her feet towards the flames. ‘Go on.’
‘Why are you bothered?’ I questioned.
‘Hey, the longer we’re talking, the longer break I’ve got. Simon’s best mates with the boss, he’ll square it.’
She was so laid-back, like Gemma used to be before she became my part-time carer. I could’ve fallen for her in a heartbeat if I was still the person I’d been a few years ago. The abrupt fantasy threw me off kilter then her eyes softened and I sighed.
‘Her name’s Jude. We were mates, first of all. I mean, we’d worked together for years and not taken much notice of each other. Then she got promoted up to a manager and I got her supervisor job. I needed her help a bit with my bitchy boss and we found we got on. She covered my back with Caroline and I . . . It was friendship, that’s it. She didn’t even know I was gay till I bumped into her and her husband on a night out with this woman I barely knew. Hands everywhere, really loud. There wasn’t any mistaking it.’
Eve snorted. ‘I know the type. Hell, that’s me after a bottle of wine.’
‘Well, Jude flipped with it. We weren’t mates anymore and she dropped me in it a few times. I had her pegged as homophobic so I decided to cut my losses and get out of there. It wasn’t worth it.’
‘Take it that didn’t happen?’
‘No. She found out I was resigning and she cornered me. In the cellar at work.’
‘Sounds romantic,’ Eve replied with a smirk.
‘Oh, yeah,’ I muttered.
‘What happened?’
I licked my lips. ‘She kissed me and I did a runner. Next day, she turns up on my doorstep, forces her way in . . .’
‘Don’t worry, you don’t need to draw me a diagram. Hasn’t been that long for me. So that’s how it started, yeah? How’d it end?’
‘I pushed her away, she slept with her husband, got pregnant.’
Eve grimaced and stretched a hand across to my knee. ‘Ouch. That has to hurt.’
‘It shouldn’t. She wasn’t mine in the first place.’
‘Doesn’t matter. Feelings are funny buggers. Can’t stop them hitting you, can’t make them go away when they don’t fancy it. Am I right?’
Instead of answering, I rested my hand over hers. She shot me another smile and turned her palm to mine so I could knot our fingers together. It was nice to sit like that for a couple of minutes till her eyes caught on something beyond my shoulder.
‘Can I help you?’
‘Just looking for Danni,’ Gemma replied.
Eve’s eyes flicked between us. ‘Is this her? Jude?’
My throat dried out. It was all I could do to shake my head, hoping Gemma wouldn’t start interrogating me on the spot. Here I was, sat in a strange pub with a random woman talking about Jude. I knew how it looked; probably about as incriminating as it felt. I disentangled my hand from Eve’s and gazed into the blur of flames.
‘Danni, we need to go,’ Gemma said finally.
‘Give me a minute. I’ll meet you outside.’
I heard her walk off, heard the thunk of the door as she left. Then I blinked away a few tears and glanced back to Eve. To my surprise, she was holding my stick out.
‘Don’t forget this.’
‘You knew,’ I murmured, my cheeks burning.
Eve rubbed my knee again. ‘Hard not to. Sorry.’
In theory, everything I’d told her in the past twenty minutes could be on the front pages by tomorrow morning. Just when we
wanted to be ignored, we could have the spotlight on what I was doing in Scotland and they’d soon dig up the fact that Harriet and Jude were here too. The tabloids were hungry for gossip but, meeting Eve’s eye, I knew it wasn’t going to come from her.
‘Did anyone else clock me?’ I asked.
‘Simon clocked your chips, that’s about it. No one else knows, you’re fine. You’d better go, yeah?’
‘Yeah,’ I echoed as she helped me up. ‘Thanks.’
She waved that away. ‘You got me a free break. We’ll call it quits.’
I was never any good at gratitude or goodbyes, especially not these days. I managed a smile then hobbled out into the chilly evening air. Three figures were silhouetted underneath the pub’s lights, but I turned left towards the B&B without looking at them. I’d only made it a few steps before a hand grasped my arm.
‘What the hell were you doing?’ Jude demanded. ‘You could’ve been hurt.’
‘Piss off,’ I answered.
Her fingers were clamped around my bicep. I had to stop and physically prise them off one by one, determined not to glance at her face. As I carried on walking, though, my mind was preoccupied with one image: the empty space where her wedding ring should be.
Chapter 18
February 2010
Matt brought me the soup then left me alone.
I drained the cup in three rapid gulps before rinsing my mouth out with the rest of the water. The ache in my stomach receded, even if the one in my chest took over and encouraged my mind to drift back to Jude.
It’d been nearly an hour and a half and she hadn’t come looking. That meant she was still locked away with her husband somewhere, working it out probably. She’d said she loved me; she’d said it to him. How could you go from that to going off with him and leaving me alone down here? With anyone else, I’d call it vicious, but Jude wasn’t like that. I didn’t think so anyway.
Harriet called me up just before Conrad was due. She was alone in the hallway, wrapped up in her coat and gloves, hair leaking out of her hood. I looked down at my hands and the purple patches staining my skin.
‘You must be bloody freezing,’ she said.
‘Hadn’t noticed.’
She tucked an arm around my shoulders. ‘Come on, let’s get this over with.’
We sat upstairs in silence till the phone rang. All Conrad wanted to know was that everything was quiet and no one was kicking off. He didn’t ask about Jude or Michael; in fact, he seemed more bored than anything. I relayed that to Harriet when I slipped the headset off, then she blocked my path before I could escape again.
‘Hold up a second. How are you doing?’
I rubbed my arms. ‘Don’t worry about me.’
‘Reckon it’s the least I can do right now.’ She paused and hooked her hands together. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘You’re my boss, you can do whatever you want.’
‘Why did you never tell me you were gay?’
Her bluntness made me cringe. ‘It never cropped up. It’s not like you have to declare it at interview, is it?’
‘Course not, I didn’t mean it like that. I just find it bloody odd you’ve never mentioned it, not even in passing. You’ve always been guarded with it.’
‘Do you blame me with Caroline around?’
Harriet sighed. ‘You know I wouldn’t have stood for any homophobic bollocks, don’t you?’
‘Sure,’ I lied, stepping towards the toilets.
‘Hang on,’ she said and I twisted back to face her. ‘Have you been having an affair with Jude?’
I reached out and steadied myself on the wall. ‘What makes you think that?’
‘The way you’ve been with each other tonight. That row with Michael and . . . I don’t know. Just the way she’s been talking about you, like she’d rip someone’s head off if they said a bad word. She’s been close to doing it with Caroline all night. So you have then, you and her?’
‘Yeah,’ I admitted.
She absorbed that then questioned, ‘Where does the baby fit in?’
‘It’s a . . . mess.’
‘You can say that again,’ she replied before lurching forward and patting my shoulder. ‘Given all that’s been going on, you’ve done great tonight. Thanks.’
My throat constricted. I could only nod and both of us were grateful as she made her getaway down the stairs. The thumping of her footsteps was followed by the creak of the downstairs door then I was left with just the buzz of the lighting. Since the computer had gone into hibernation hours ago, every other sound up here was magnified by a hundred. A clatter from the direction of the meeting room and Michael’s office sent me scuttling into the toilets. What I wasn’t expecting was for one of the doors to be closed and for the stench of vomit to be smothering the last burst from the automatic air freshener. As a strangled sob echoed through the cubicle door, I swallowed and rapped my knuckles against it.
‘It’s me,’ I said.
She fumbled with the lock before it screeched back and the door fell open. I’d steeled myself, ready to hate her, but the misery on her face blew all that away. So, instead, I stretched a hand out to her shoulder and she crumpled into my arms. Suddenly, she began sobbing into my collar, fingers bunched around my shirt until the seams gave way.
‘Hey, hey, it’s okay,’ I murmured, but that only made her cling on tighter.
I’d never seen her like this, I realised. Jude was strong, in charge like Matt had said. She’d always known what she wanted and gone out of her way to get it. Not once had she wavered. She turned up on my doorstep when she said she would; the only time she’d let me down had been the Christmas party and that hadn’t really been her fault. Other than that, she’d run her affair as methodically as she did her department.
‘Jude . . .’
She drew away, head bowed. ‘Sorry.’
‘No, wait, look at me.’ I grasped her wrist and tugged her back until her eyes lifted. ‘It’s okay, it’s all right. Come on, let’s get you a drink, yeah?’
I led her to the sink and set the cold tap running. She let the water trickle through her fingers then ducked her head under the faucet. I watched her the entire time and, when she rose, I swept my thumb along the droplets under her lip. Her eyes followed the motion before her tongue flicked out and I couldn’t help myself. I yanked her forward by the hem of her shirt and caught her lips hungrily. For a couple of minutes, nothing else mattered, then hot tears cascaded along my cheeks and I jolted away.
‘God, Jude, I’m sorry –’
‘I’m leaving him,’ she interrupted.
I blinked at her. ‘But you went –’
She scooped her own tears from my cheeks. ‘I had to sort it out. Conrad told him, yeah? It was about him having power over us. God knows what he’s seen if he knows about you and me. He could’ve kept it hanging over us all night unless I talked to Michael.’
‘You were ages,’ I pointed out.
‘He took a bit of convincing. He wouldn’t listen at first, then he tried talking me round. I’ve been with him for years, he knows what buttons to press.’
‘Like what?’
‘Like . . . fear,’ she murmured with a shrug. ‘Not knowing how you felt this whole time. I mean, I pushed it, I know that. As far as you were concerned, I was straight. You wouldn’t think otherwise, you wouldn’t know. That’s why I had to . . . But Michael laid it on thick. Yeah, maybe I loved you, but what did you want?’
‘I said I love you,’ I replied.
‘Tonight, yeah; in the middle of all this. You haven’t seemed to give a toss one way or the other all the way through. I’ve done all the running.’
I crossed my arms. ‘Because you’re the one who’s married.’
‘Was that the only reason?’ she questioned and I faltered at her weary tone.
It wasn’t Conrad who’d done this to her; it was me. I could see how it looked from her side. Months of blind submission then pushing her away like an unwanted toy
once things got complicated. That’s how it must’ve seemed and she didn’t know otherwise because I hadn’t told her. The only time I’d flipped had been Christmas, and I’d driven her straight back into her husband’s bed. She’d been making all these plans about leaving him and what was I doing? Shutting her down every time she tried to talk about it.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said.
Her eyes flickered across my face. ‘What for?’
‘Not telling you before, making you feel like it was all you. It wasn’t. I just didn’t . . . It had to be a physical thing because, if it wasn’t, where did we go? Working here, with him just upstairs . . . I had to separate it out in my head, otherwise I wouldn’t have coped every day. And now I’ve made it even more of a mess, haven’t I? You’re having his baby.’
‘I’ve always wanted kids,’ she said quietly.
‘Yeah, and you’ll make a great mum.’
She raised her chin. ‘I thought you’d want me to –’
‘No, course I don’t. God, what do you think I am?’
‘But how does that work then?’ she persisted. ‘You, me and the baby?’
‘I haven’t thought that far ahead. It’s not something I’ve ever wondered about, that’s all. Gemma didn’t want kids so it . . .’ I trailed off and listened to the hum of the lights swelled by another noise beyond. ‘Can you hear that?’
‘The phone,’ she muttered as she dragged the door open.
‘I’ve only just spoken to him. He said he’d call back at two.’
‘Maybe it’s another test,’ Jude suggested.
My stomach twisted but I dashed to the desk and slotted the headset on. Then I reached back for her hand and she tucked her other arm around my neck. Finally, I mustered the courage to flick the switch.
‘Conrad?’
‘Where were you?’ His voice had dropped twenty degrees in twenty minutes. ‘Never mind, doesn’t matter. I’ve had an idea. I’ll make a deal with you.’