by Kit Eyre
‘Danni?’
Her voice, soft against my ear, brought scalding tears to my eyes. A moment later, she tucked both arms around my shoulders and pressed her lips to my forehead. I crumbled against her and let the tears flow while she clasped me close.
‘That’s it, I’m not going,’ she muttered.
‘Yes, you are.’
‘Danni –’
‘You are,’ I repeated, jolting away to peer into her face. ‘Please, Jude.’
She shook her head. ‘I can’t leave you in here with Caroline and Michael. We’re in this together, aren’t we?’
‘Jude . . .’ I urged her down into her abandoned chair and entwined our fingers. ‘Listen to me a minute. What would you do if the shoe was on the other foot? You’d send me out, even if you reckoned it was a game and nothing was coming of it. You’d want me to be safe.’
‘We haven’t talked,’ she said softly.
I exhaled, checking my watch. ‘We’ve got eight minutes before he calls back.’
‘How is that long enough?’
‘Come on, it’s like you said. He’s not out to kill us or wouldn’t he have done it already? It’s either him messing us around or there never was a bomb and he’s lost his nerve. Trust me.’
‘It’s not you I don’t trust.’
I began running my thumb back and forth along her wrist. ‘All right, look. Knight’s going to be here in a few hours. Once he is, we’ll know what all this is about. We’ll have served our purpose, yeah?’
Although she nodded, her eyes betrayed her doubt. ‘What about us? You never said – about the baby, you never said.’
‘You’re keeping it, right?’ I asked.
‘Yes, but –’
‘Then there’s nothing to talk about. We’ll figure it out.’
The lines on her brow eased slightly. We stayed joined together for a couple of minutes, until I heard a thud elsewhere in the building. I stood, raising her up with me and saw her face flicker.
‘It’ll be okay,’ I assured her.
She took a shuddering breath and rested her forehead against mine. ‘I’ll go get Harriet.’
I let her leave while I brushed down my clothes.
Somehow, I suspected what we’d done on this desk was plastered in neon on my face. It’d felt different than before, however rushed and desperate it might’ve been. She’d broken in my arms, that’s what it was. In the past, I’d chalked it up to physical satisfaction, the way she melted into me. Maybe that had been safer for me to deal with, all sex and no messy feelings to contend with. Tonight, though, we’d shattered that to pieces together. I’d finally acknowledged the raw love in her eyes and, when she’d clenched around my fingers, it’d washed over me too.
If Conrad was serious with his offer, I was about to watch her walk out of here. Yeah, it was the right thing to do. The pregnancy was the perfect excuse to put her on the list alongside the likes of George and Linda, though I might’ve fixed it anyway to get her out. It didn’t lessen the ache in my chest when I imagined being trapped in here for another eight hours with Caroline prowling, ready to pounce on anything, not to mention Michael. It felt like I was peeling away my protective layers of skin and toasting my flesh on a barbeque instead.
Then again, I conceded as I rested my palm on the desk, the alternative was no better. Say Conrad revoked the offer and Jude was locked in here till Knight arrived first thing. Whatever I’d said to her, I didn’t think it was going to be plain sailing from the moment he turned up. You didn’t threaten innocent people with a bomb if you didn’t have a grievance, and who’s to say what he planned to do when Knight arrived? Jude was better off out of it, however painful the next few hours might be for me.
The clock showed three minutes to go. I flicked the light off and slipped through the door into the dingy recess beyond, lit only by the lights from the main landing filtering through the glass panels. My hand was already on the next handle when I heard a rustle from Michael’s office. The door was ajar, although the room was dark. I hesitated then edged inside.
‘Michael?’
Something shifted in the corner underneath the window. Instead of reaching for the switch, I let my eyes grow accustomed to the gloom until a lump appeared in the darkness. He moved again then let out a sniff.
‘Explain it to me,’ he murmured.
I sighed and leaned back against the door jamb.
‘Go on. Explain to me how it works. I’ve been married to her for eight years and I never saw her like that.’
‘Like what?’ My neck prickled. ‘Michael – like what?’
He rose, blocking the silhouette of the window with his bulky frame. He swayed across the room and halted in front of me, his breath soured by whisky. For a moment, I braced myself, certain he was about to swing a fist at me. Instead, he let out a snort and shuffled past through the doorway.
‘You’re welcome to her,’ he muttered. ‘I’m done.’
Chapter 25
July 2011
The flags stretching up to the hotel were bathed in orange sunlight.
Jude’s show of energy had disintegrated. She’d slipped her hands into her pockets and was drifting along the path with her shoulders hunched up to her ears. Even with my leg throbbing, I gained on her quickly, though she didn’t notice. She stopped to read a plaque on a bench then flinched when I sat down on it.
‘Hi,’ she said uncertainly.
I twisted to read the plaque, dedicated to a loving wife, then swung my eyes over her pinched face. After a few seconds, she switched feet before slumping into the space beside me. I let the silence stretch until her fingers had tied themselves into knots on her lap.
‘How’s your hay fever?’ I asked.
She blinked at me. ‘Bloody lousy, as it happens.’
Across the lawn, I picked out an elderly couple walking up towards the hotel. She was chivvying him, but he just swept his walking stick in wider circles around the grass at their feet. Finally, she gave up and linked their arms together, matching her pace to his. I watched as they disappeared into the shadow of the annex then shot Jude a glance.
‘Do you remember that night we stayed late to do the month end reports? Harriet was off, Caroline didn’t give a toss and Matt was flapping.’
A smile flashed across her lips. ‘Wasn’t it his dad’s birthday or something?’
‘Something like that. Anyway, it turned out all right, didn’t it? Listening to Ella Fitzgerald with the windows wide open. Except your sneezing drove me mad.’
‘Sorry,’ she said.
‘You know what really pisses me off?’ I queried, holding her gaze.
She shook her head.
‘In the back of your mind, that was all something else, wasn’t it? You’ve probably looked at that and thought that’s where it started. The two of us working alone like that, figuring out we liked the same music and just talking. Am I right?’
‘Yeah, I suppose,’ she said with a shrug.
I nipped the hem of my t-shirt between my thumb and forefinger. ‘You see, it wasn’t like that for me. I was grateful I had a mate, that’s all. Years of working there and I’d not once had someone who I got on with like that. The next couple of weeks – before you flipped – I was happy. Then you buggered it up.’
‘No, you’re rewriting history,’ she argued, tilting her shoulder to the bench.
‘And you’ve never done that?’ I retorted.
‘It’s not the same.’
‘I bet it isn’t, not in your head.’
She rubbed her neck. ‘What’s your point?’
‘We were better off as mates and you buggered it up,’ I answered. ‘It was all about you, nothing to do with how I felt or what I wanted. I tried to resign – you weren’t having it –’
‘You kissed me back,’ she objected.
‘Because you’re attractive. Because who wouldn’t? God, Jude, if a gorgeous woman pounces on you in a cellar, I’d love to see the lesbian who wouldn’t react.�
�
‘No. No, you’re rewriting it, you’re just angry.’
‘Okay, so the next day you barge into my home,’ I went on, jabbing my elbow into the slats of the bench, ‘and you stick my hand into your underwear. If you were a man, you know what we’d be calling that.’
‘Danni –’
‘How is it different? I didn’t invite you in, I didn’t say yes.’
She jumped up and crossed her arms. ‘You know it’s different.’
‘Why?’ I demanded. To combat the impression of her towering over me, I levered my body up using my stick. ‘Because I’m a woman?’
‘Because you were involved! You gave in, you weren’t exactly pushing me away. You were . . .’
I snickered when she trailed off. ‘Say it, Jude. Come on, you can do it, but you can’t talk about it? That’s you all over. You were right when you said we hadn’t talked – do you remember that? All those things going on, like you screwing your husband when you apparently wanted to leave him.’
‘That was –’
‘My fault,’ I cut in. ‘Yeah, yeah, I know, you said. Did he ever tell you he heard us? Saw us, maybe, I don’t know.’
Her eyebrows contracted. ‘Saw what?’
‘You and me on the meeting room table!’
She spun away and peeled off across the grass. By the time she twisted around, I had to squint to see her face. The rosy hue brought on from the balmy evening had paled and her legs juddered when she tried to walk back towards me. More than once, she wavered and drew to a halt. I just waited, the breeze billowing through my t-shirt, until she shuffled to a stop in front of me and lifted her chin.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said.
I stared at her. ‘You what?
‘It was private,’ she explained, clutching her elbows. ‘It was ours. I’m sorry.’
In the depths of my chest, something splintered. Just for a minute there, I’d had the upper hand then she’d twisted it into an apology I wasn’t looking for. It was her turn to feel violated and all she’d done was spin it back on me.
I clutched my stick and began walking.
‘Danni, hang on, I’m trying –’
‘Stop it,’ I snapped.
‘Well, I’ll see you at eight,’ she called after me.
My step slowed and I turned back. She was stationary in the middle of the path, a bee buzzing along the flags near her feet. She hadn’t seen it. As I watched, it inched along her shoe then paused on her laces. Finally, she followed my gaze and shook it off before returning her attention to my face, waiting for my answer.
‘You can tell Harriet and Gemma if you want,’ I said slowly. ‘You can torpedo the one chance I’ve got of looking into his eyes and understanding why – why me – why he did what he did. You know his mum’s death only covers half of it. I would’ve thought, if you’d been anywhere near sincere, you might’ve wanted answers as well. But, if you don’t, fine. Bugger up something else in my life – go for it. Either way, we’re not having dinner with you. Me and Gemma’ll get room service and Harriet can do what she wants.’
Jude opened her mouth then closed it again. After a moment, she shrugged and turned away, taking long strides back towards the pond. The last I saw of her was when her head dipped under a branch and her body eased into the shadows.
Chapter 26
February 2010
I stepped out onto the landing to find Jude and Harriet waiting for me. Wherever Michael had gone, it didn’t seem from the look on their faces that they’d crossed paths. Jude’s mask was back up. If I hadn’t physically felt her fear and love not fifteen minutes ago, I might’ve believed she was immune to everything that had gone on tonight.
Harriet swept forward. ‘How are you doing?’
‘I’m fine, I’m fine. What about down there?’
‘It’s fraught,’ she admitted with a sidelong glance at Jude. ‘You know what it’s like with panic. One person starts with it and they’re all off. Matt’s doing his best with them.’
‘Who started it?’ I questioned.
‘Sunita. The idea of Gill going and not her set her off. She’s not been handling it well all night, to be honest. Wondering if her parents were going to show up here or if they’d believe her when she got home. Caroline’s not helped. On about management giving up their spots to the younger ones.’
I looked up sharply. ‘No.’
‘Don’t worry, I said no,’ Harriet replied with a wry smile. ‘You and me are in the same boat, popularity wise. If this was Big Brother, we’d be up for nomination, no danger.’
‘No need to be evicted when you’re walking,’ I retorted.
Jude swallowed, but said nothing.
We stood in silence until the phone bleated a few minutes later. A wave of nausea washed over me as I crossed to the desk and slid the headset on. Jude was on my heels though, and settled behind me with an arm curled around my neck. Ahead of us, Harriet leaned against the banister and crossed her arms.
‘Are you ready?’ Conrad queried without preamble.
I ran my tongue over my lips. ‘Yeah.’
‘Give me the names then.’
‘Gill Wilmott, Julie Cox, George Fairgill, Harriet Fitch –’
‘Fitch is going?’ he interrupted.
‘That’s right,’ I said, keeping my eyes lodged on the desk.
‘I told you to choose them yourself, not let the House Manager save her own skin.’
‘Nobody helped me. I picked them myself. Anyway, she wouldn’t do that.’
He snorted. ‘Everybody does it. Carry on.’
‘Tracy Seacroft, Linda Barker.’ I tilted back and felt Jude’s breath tingling against my forehead. I braced myself and added, ‘Plus Jude Hogarth.’
‘Jude?’
‘That’s right.’
‘Why?’ he demanded.
I straightened up, catching Harriet’s eye. My confusion must’ve shown in my face. She pushed off from the banister and stepped across to the desk, clasping her hands around her elbows. Jude tucked my hair behind my ear with one hand and strengthened her grip on my neck with the other.
‘I – I don’t understand,’ I said to Conrad.
‘Don’t you want her with you?’ he asked.
‘I want her to be safe,’ I replied and Jude sighed into my ear.
He fell silent. My stomach fluttered, expecting him to withdraw his offer now I’d made my choices. This’d be the moment to pull the plug. Either now or when they were just about to leave. Selfishly, I hoped he’d do it now just so I wouldn’t have to see anybody.
‘Right,’ he said abruptly, ‘here’s what’s going to happen. The ones who aren’t going – they join you upstairs. I don’t want the lot making a break for it, do you hear?’
‘Understood,’ I muttered.
‘The rest of them wait downstairs. Your Jude can tell them when they’re allowed to leave. You’ll want to say your goodbyes first, away from her husband.’
I reached up and covered Jude’s hand with mine. ‘Okay.’
‘They go, the others stay. No funny business.’
‘Okay,’ I repeated.
‘Get on with it then.’
The line went dead and I blinked a few times. Somehow, I’d expected more than that; explicit instructions on what to do next or for him to finally rescind the offer. Maybe he’d call back to do it. I stared at the incoming call button until my eyes prickled.
Harriet rapped a hand on the desk. ‘Danni?’
I shuffled out of Jude’s grasp and stood up, plucking the headset from my ears. It plopped onto the keyboard, jolting the computer awake for the first time in hours. As it whirred into life, I rounded the desk and faced Harriet.
‘He says you’re to send up the people who aren’t going. You wait downstairs and go when Jude joins you.’
‘Which is when exactly?’
I shrugged. ‘When she’s ready.’
‘I don’t like this,’ Harriet said, scratching her neck. ‘What’s he
playing at?’
From behind me, Jude suggested, ‘Maybe we should call his bluff. Say we’re all staying, we’re not being separated.’
‘No way,’ I replied.
‘But –’
‘She’s right,’ interrupted Harriet, ‘we can’t afford to mess him about. So we get on with it. I’ll talk to Matt and he can shepherd people up here. It won’t be pretty.’
I wound my arms around my stomach, imagining the pressure was Jude’s body against mine. ‘No, I know. I can handle it.’
‘Right, then.’ Harriet hesitated then gathered me up in a musty hug. She pulled back and managed a smile. ‘You’ve been brilliant tonight. On the off chance he’s on the level . . . You take care and I’ll see you first thing. I’ll frogmarch Knight up here myself if I have to.’
‘Thanks, Harriet,’ I murmured.
She glanced between me and Jude before heading to the staircase. ‘I’ll get the rabble ready.’
Still facing away from Jude, I listened to the footsteps fade and waited for the tell-tale squeak of the office door downstairs. It coincided with Jude’s lips finding my throat. I let out a whimper and pressed my body into hers.
‘Just so you know,’ she whispered, ‘I’m only going because you asked me to.’
I swallowed, closing my eyes to block out the neglected landing. ‘Thank you.’
‘We’ll make this work, you know. You, me and the baby.’
I nodded.
‘And if he does let us out, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right out there when Knight turns up.’
‘Jude . . .’ I steeled myself and inched forward. ‘You’ve gotta go.’
She shifted behind me. In my mind, I pictured the look on her face as she swivelled around my body, her breasts heavy against mine. As her breath rippled along my chin, I raised my lips to accept hers, keeping my eyes shut fast.
Air rushed between us when she stepped back. I heard every scratch of her shoes on the carpet then the mechanical thwack as she descended the staircase. Eventually, the door downstairs squeaked again and I tucked my arms around my torso until I couldn’t breathe.