by D. Kelly
HOURS LATER, I wake up needing to take a piss, and for a moment, I’m completely disoriented. My head pounds, and my heart races as my eyes begin to focus. This isn’t my bed. I sit up and say a silent prayer, already knowing it’s in vain. I turn my head slowly and look over my shoulder. Fuck. A very naked Rory is asleep next to me.
I don’t even see my clothes as I make my way to her bathroom. Once I finish, I splash some water on my face and wrap a towel around my waist. When I step back into the bedroom, she looks up at me.
“It’s a little too late for modesty don’t you think?”
I’m never drinking gin again as long as I live. “Rory, we need to talk.”
She sits up and has the decency to cover herself up. “Darren, calm down. It was only sex.”
“You’re practically my sister! It never should’ve happened. I’m sorry, that’s shitty to say, but fuck …”
I take a seat on the edge of the bed, and she scoots next to me.
“Look, last night was fucking hot, but we agreed it would be a one-time thing. You’ve been in my head since I was a teenager, Darren. I had to know once and for all.”
My heart lurches in my chest. A teenage fantasy come to life. Could this get any fucking worse?
“Know what, Ror?”
“If I’m wrong about who I’m supposed to be with,” she says softly. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t wrong, and it’s not you.”
This situation is so messed up, all I can do is laugh. “You fucked me to rule me out as an option? I’m not sure if I should be offended or give you a high-five. I hope it was worth it because I’m sure your family will disown me after this.”
This is all my fault. I drank excessively to numb my pain and ended up depleting my own damn common sense. I’m not sure I’ve ever regretted sex with anyone, but this might be the biggest mistake of my life.
“That’s not going to happen. My family doesn’t need to know everything about me. I’m sorry I was deceptive, but to be fair, you seemed as into it as I was. That was some of the best sex of my life. That thing you did with your tongue … ugh … just … damn.”
“Okay, then tell me what the goal was because I feel like I’m missing a huge piece of the puzzle.”
With a sigh, she leans back on the bed. “I’ve been seeing someone, and I think he could be the one. But he knew I had feelings for someone else and backed away from me.”
“You’ve had feelings for me that have interfered with your relationship?”
“Partially, it’s just—” Rory takes a deep breath. “Have you ever wanted something for so long that you felt like you were stuck? It’s not like I was in love with you, but I do love you. We obviously have chemistry. Fucking you was by no means a hardship.”
She’s awful at this. “Gee, thanks.”
“Gah, I’m sorry. That sounded bad. I’ve always wondered if all those pent-up feelings I had for you could be more than just sex. I couldn’t let him walk away without finally having an answer. If he’s the one and I lose him for something that isn’t meant to be, that would be pretty dumb, right?”
I’m not sure I’m sober enough to keep up with this conversation.
“If you had talked to me prior to last night, we probably could’ve figured this out without crossing so many boundaries. Are you telling me the truth? You’re sure this was a one-off and I’m not your one?”
She sits back up and looks at me with the adoring expression I always thought was sisterly love. I want to be disgusted with myself for what happened between us, but we’re not actual family, and it would make what we did tawdry, and it wasn’t. But it never should have happened.
“Cross my heart, Darren. I’ll always love you, but this was definitely me closing a door.” I release a deep exhale, and she snickers. “I’ll try not to be offended.”
“Whoever he is, you should fight for him. If he pushed you away to be sure you were happy, even if it wasn’t with him, that’s love. We both know how fleeting it can be. Don’t throw it away.”
She covers my hand with hers. “I’m sorry for dragging you into this. Do you think we’ll be okay?”
“We’ll be fine, but I need to be the one to tell Sawyer at some point.”
“No, you can’t. We’ve all lost too much, and Sawyer is,” she sighs exhaustedly, “Sawyer. There has to be something you’ve kept from him over the years. Whatever that is, vault this secret with it.”
“Okay, but only if you promise to get your man back.”
“Deal. You’re an amazing man and one of the best fathers I’ve ever seen. I know how much you adored Belle and how hard it was to lose her. You deserve so much more from life, and so does Cadence. It’s time for you to come back to the land of the living. All the way back. Some lucky woman out there is waiting for her heart to sync to yours.”
“Rory—”
“Don’t talk to me like a kid you can caution. If Mel and Sawyer could find love, so can you. But you won’t know till you open your heart and mind again.” She stands with the sheet wrapped around her lithe body and kisses the top of my head. “All I’m asking is for you to consider it. You’re a catch, D,” she looks over her shoulder before stepping into the bathroom, “and you fuck like a porn star.”
I laugh as she closes the door, a sign of her dismissal. I’m happy to take the out. Heading toward the kitchen, I pick up my clothes along the way. After grabbing the gin from the cupboard, I pour it down the sink. Never again will I drink myself into a gin stupor.
3
DARREN
SIX MONTHS LATER
“Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Belle. Belle was funny and feisty, and one of the prettiest princesses in all the kingdom.”
“Just like Princess Amelia, right, Daddy?” Cadence asks.
“Yes, both princesses are equally pretty and funny. More importantly, they’re kind, generous, and filled with laughter and love. Plus, they’re the very best of friends.”
“And they live in a rock and roll kingdom, right, Uncle Darren?” Nate queries from his bed.
Story time with six-year-olds can be a bit trying, but I will never run out of patience with these two or with the story our families tell them night after night.
“That’s right, Nate. Their kingdom is a musical wonderland.”
“And it’s filled with humans and angels, right, Daddy?” Cadence has been trying to clarify this recently.
“Correct, it’s a magical land where angels and humans live together in harmony.”
Cadence sits up in her bed, her face taking on a serious expression. “Can we go there, Daddy? I want to visit Mommy and Uncle Noah.”
“No, Cady, we can’t go see them because we’re not angels yet.”
“Nate’s right. You can’t go there in person, but you can visit the kingdom in your dreams.” Oh man, they’re overly tired. I need to nip this in the bud before they brawl.
Cadence yawns. “Okay, Daddy, we’ll finish the story tomorrow. If I see Mommy in my dreams, I’ll tell her you love her too.”
“With all my heart and soul. Goodnight, sleepyhead.” After tucking her in and kissing her goodnight, I do the same to Nate.
“Night, Uncle Darren.” He mumbles as his eyes close completely.
“Night, Nate.”
Nate and Cadence have shared a room since they were just over a year old. When Mel and Sawyer moved from the beach house into their house by the creek, the kids didn’t handle the separation well. Luckily, Sawyer bought the house next door as soon as it went on the market.
My house needed renovations before we could move in. During that time, we shuffled the kids back and forth a lot. Recently, we’ve been preparing them for the upcoming changes that will happen when they start school. The biggest upset will be sleeping in their own homes during the week and only having sleepovers on the weekends. We know it’s going to be rough, but it’s a necessary change.
When I make it back out to the living room, I collapse on the couch. Sa
wyer and Mel are each feeding one of their twins. Sawyer eyes me suspiciously. “You’re that tired from putting two kids to bed? Try doing it with five.”
“No thanks, that’s your idea of a good time.”
“Actually, my idea of a good time is making them, but putting them to bed isn’t as exhausting as you’re making it look.” Sawyer laughs. “Or maybe I’ve just got more stamina than you, old man.”
I sit up and scrub my face with my hands. “Cadence asked me about humans and angels again. Maybe they’re too young for this.”
“Darren,” Mel says softly, “Cadence is a curious little girl. It’s natural to ask if she can go where her mom is. Our kids have a good grasp on the fact they each have a parent who is no longer with us.”
“Maybe, but I hate this feeling.”
She nods and reaches for Sawyer’s hand. “We all do. If we could give them Noah and Belle, I don’t think any of us would hesitate. That’s why building their lives with stories and our memories is the next-best thing. If you want us to back off with Cadence, we can.”
“Nah, it’s okay. I’m just having a moment. I hate that she’ll never have Belle, but she has us, and we’re pretty awesome.”
Sawyer scoops a sleeping Greyson from Mel and takes both boys to the nursery. Now that they’re nine months old, they’re much easier to tell apart. Grey looks like Sawyer, and Joey looks like Nate.
“You’ve seemed happier the past few months, and you’ve been drinking less, at least it seems like it. You guys had a long week getting things together in the studio; maybe you need a night out. Why don’t we keep Cady tomorrow and you go have some fun? It’s been a while hasn’t it?”
I haven’t gone out since before I fucked Rory. I’ve been focusing on me. Instead of drinking and fucking, I’ve been working out and spending more time in the studio playing music. Plus, with school starting soon, spending more quality time with Cadence has been my top priority.
“It has, but I’m good.”
“No, you’re not,” Sawyer says, coming back into the room. “The only songs you played in the studio today were by Metallica. You were working out some serious aggression. What’s up?”
This Rory thing is eating away at me, and I want to tell Sawyer because I’m not sure how long I can deal with the stress of it. “I haven’t been laid in about six months or so. Maybe I need a release.”
Mel arches her brow. “That’s unusual for you. What’s going on, Darren? You can talk to us.”
More and more, I feel like the odd man out. Everyone is dating. Hell, even our bodyguards are settling down. I’m not looking to date, but lately, I’m lonely.
“I’m probably having a mid-life crisis. I think I’ll take you up on your offer and go to Just an Illusion tomorrow night. Want to come and play some pool, Sawyer?”
“I would, but we’re watching Sebastian for Allie and Jordan. Hit up Wyatt; I’m sure he’d love to go.”
“That’s a good idea. It’s probably been a while since he’s had a night away from Anna and the boys.”
Mel yawns, and although it’s only a little after eight, I follow.
“On that note, I’m going home. I’m exhausted. Call me if you need me. Otherwise, I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Later, Darren.” Sawyer pulls Mel to her feet and into his embrace.
“See you tomorrow, D, sleep well,” Mel adds before kissing her husband.
I pause when I get to the main entrance of the house and take in the photos on the walls. Maybe Cadence and I should do something similar. The representation of love and family makes this house more of a home. Plus, each time I see Noah and Belle’s faces, it doesn’t seem to hurt as much.
4
HADDIE
“Are you really going to do it, Haddie?” My friend and co-worker Marina looks at me skeptically.
“Richie died three years ago this weekend, and I have to go say goodbye. It’s time to move on.” If I tell myself often enough, maybe it will make it true.
“I know I bust your balls, but it’s only because I love you. Are you ready to let him go?”
His smile invades my memory; it was my favorite thing about him. “I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready, but the choice was taken from me the night of the accident. I’ll always love him, but I’m lonely. If I can say goodbye, maybe I can step out of my comfort zone and consider going out on a date.”
Marina pulls me into a hug. “I’m proud of you. Do you want me to come with you?”
“No, but thanks. I’ve got to do this alone.” I sigh. “Enough sadness for today. Where would you like me to hang this?”
“Right by the pencil sharpener would be great.”
We’re spending our Saturday afternoon decorating Marina’s kindergarten classroom. School starts soon, and she’s trying to get her room finished early.
I’m one of the district psychologists. Normally, I work at the district office, but our district was chosen for a pilot program this year. I’ve been assigned to Marina’s school.
Each school in our district will have a dedicated psychologist on site. Due to the influx in bullying, disabilities, homelessness, and hunger throughout the state not to mention fear stemming from active shooter drills, the powers that be think this will help students and teachers. I’m excited because I think this program will be a great success.
Typically, our caseload is insane and we run from school to school. I’m looking forward to more of a relaxed environment and working with kids who know I’ll be here for them.
Marina spins in a circle, checking out our progress. “I’m exhausted and starving. Can I buy you lunch for helping me?”
“Have I ever turned down food? Even though I probably should, I’m not going to.”
“Stop, Haddie. You’re perfect as you are—curvaceous and insanely gorgeous. Richie loved you for you, and anyone else worthy of you will too.”
We gather our belongings, and she locks up the room before we head for the parking lot.
“Richie loved me when I was thinner. Even he might be repulsed by me now.”
Marina narrows her eyes at me. “Stop it. You had severe injuries. It took you almost a year to recover physically. You’re still recovering emotionally. You’re so much more than a number on a scale.”
“Have I mentioned lately that I love you?”
“It could bear repeating.”
“I love you. Thank you for being my oldest and dearest friend.”
She unlocks the car, and we get inside. “You’re welcome. Now stop with the old. You’re giving me a complex.”
AFTER LUNCH, Marina drops me off at home. Grandpa left me his bungalow when he passed away five years ago. It’s nestled away on a little cul-de-sac, and my favorite thing about it is the backyard. There are so many plants and trees; it feels like a small tropical village. I’ve got comfortable patio furniture that circles a fire pit, enough room for a table under a covered porch, and a barbecue off to the side.
Richie and I were excited to make this our home once we were married. He was old-fashioned and didn’t believe in living together before marriage. He slept over often, but he never wanted a drawer to call his own until we sealed the deal.
Before Richie died, he was saving up to open a restaurant. He’d just gotten a job as a chef at an upscale place in Santa Monica, and we were out celebrating the night of the accident. After that, life wasn’t the same. My parents flew in and helped with my recovery, and one of the first things I did was buy a massive jetted tub and remodel my bathroom to accommodate it.
Due to my injuries, I was in the hospital for a few weeks, and I missed his funeral. Richie’s sisters came and sat with me at the hospital off and on. His parents never really liked me much, but even if they had, I wouldn’t have expected them to delay his services on my account. I wasn’t the only one who needed closure.
I kick off my shoes and quickly sort through the mail. A soak in that big tub is exactly what I need right now. Then I’ll nap, shower, and g
et ready for my night.
AS I PUT the finishing touches on my makeup, I look at my reflection. At least my skin looks flawless—on the inside, I’m a nervous wreck.
I’ve got on a red, long-sleeved V-neck shirt that accentuates my cleavage, dark denim jeans, and a pair of black boots. I open my rideshare app and request a car before I chicken out.
Most people would go to the cemetery to say goodbye to a loved one, or even to the crash site. Not me. I want to go to the bar where we had our last date. Thoughts of our night at Just an Illusion have comforted me since the accident. We had one last incredible night. Right before the accident, Richie and I were laughing. Those are the memories I want to keep close.
I haven’t been to the bar since he died. I’m going to have a good time for both of us. Grabbing my leather jacket and purse, I lock up the house just as my ride arrives. With one last deep breath, I get inside the car and prepare myself for the evening.
THE DRIVER LETS me off right outside the door, but I walk around the building and check out the artwork before going inside. Just an Illusion is in an industrial park, and the outside of the bar is spray painted with some of the best artwork in the area. From what I’ve heard, there’s a waitlist to be one of the featured artists. Jordan, the owner, switches out the art every six months and showcases the artists on the bar’s website. It’s such an eclectic way to let other people shine.
The bar is packed. Before I left the house, I checked the website to make sure they didn’t have live music tonight. It’s usually loud enough without the band; I didn’t want to say my goodbyes at a concert.
I need to eventually get to the pool room, but for now, I work my way to the bar. Jordan’s eyes meet mine, and he raises a finger to give him a minute. I scan the bottles behind the bar trying to decide what I want to drink when someone taps my shoulder. I turn around slowly and am quickly engulfed in one of Jordan Weston’s famous hugs.