“What do I do to save my son?” Sam asked. “I’ll do anything. Anything for him. I always have.”
“Always?” the grandmother asked.
“Have I always been a perfect parent?” Sam asked. “No. I have done what I could do when I could do it.”
“I believe you,” the grandmother said. “Let me ask.”
The grandmother walked over to the Native Americans working on his son. Sam nodded to Rodney and Akeem, who were drumming now. He saw Mike bring a load of firewood to the deck and felt like he should help. Before he could get up, he glanced at Valerie.
She was sound asleep with her head down. She had always looked like a bird when her head was down like this. Sam grinned at his wonderful daughter and then caught a glimpse of Blane.
Blane was on his knees, rocking back and forth. His face was wet with tears, and he was groaning in agony. Sam glanced at the grandmother. He knew she would tell him not to go to Blane, but Sam couldn’t help it. Blane was the miracle child of different parents. He’d suffered so much before coming to live with them. Sam hopped up and went to Blane. As he’d done with Jacob when he was little, Sam wrapped his body around the young man. Blane fell over with his head landing in Sam’s lap. Sam only had to stroke Blane’s hair, and the vision started again.
He was standing in the pale orange next to an enormous pumpkin-colored lake. If he didn’t know better, he’d think it was filled with some kind of orange soda. He knew he should know where he was, but Sam had no idea. It had something to do with Delphie. He bent down to look in the water.
No fish.
In fact, as far as the eye could see, there was nothing alive here in this weird place.
Still, he knew why he was there and what he was supposed to do there. He picked up a rock and nodded. He could use this. He set off toward a tall dead tree. He pushed, pulled, and pounded on the tree until it fell. He dragged it back to where he’d been standing. He set off toward another dead tree. Not as tall, and a lot deader, Sam easily tipped it over. He dragged it back to where he’d been standing. He left the tree there and set off for another tree.
“How am I going to cut these things?” Sam asked out loud.
Since no one was there, Sam had no trouble talking to himself out loud. Sam had spent a lot of time outdoors when he was a child. His family had lived in a house — well, more like a tar shack — outside of Leadville. When he was fit enough to work, which was rare, his father had worked in a mine. As soon as Sam was able, he spent his days in the wild looking for meat to feed his drunken father, exhausted mother, and, eventually, four younger siblings.
His mother had done other people’s laundry. That’s how he’d first met Delphie. She had been like a pet to that evil Levi. His mother used to tell him not to judge, but Sam had hated the man with every cell in his body. Celia had been in his class at elementary school. He’d loved her the first moment he’d set eyes on her. She’d loved him, too. He’d gone to school every day just to see her.
He had learned about being a carpenter at career day at school. He’d been pretty sure that he could make enough money to support Celia as a carpenter. He asked the carpenter for a job before the class was over. By third grade, Sam was cleaning up the carpenter’s shop, hunting for food, and going to school. It was a full day, but it was Sam’s life. He had never known anything else.
Sam wondered what his father would think of this place, and he laughed out loud. He pushed down the next tree and dragged it toward the others. Oddly, when he returned, the trees had been trimmed and cut into six fit logs, the exact size of logs he needed. He leaned down to check and saw a male beaver. The beaver gave him a nod and started to work on the tree Sam had just set down.
Not one to let weirdness get in the way of work, Sam shrugged and went to get another tree. He was dragging another tree back when he heard someone shout his name.
“Sam!”
Sam turned toward the sound. He saw Blane, standing on a low hill about a mile from him. Sam waved the young man in his direction.
“Jacob!” Blane pointed to the weird orange lake.
Sam stopped short.
“What?” Sam asked.
He waved Blane toward him.
“I can’t!” Blane yelled and pointed to the sand.
Sam pointed to where he’d stacked the trees. Blane gave an exaggerated nod. Sam dragged the tree to where the beaver was hard at work.
“What . . .” Out of breath, Blane panted, “ . . . the . . . hell?”
Blane gestured to the beaver. Sam shrugged.
“Best not to ask,” Sam said. He turned to the beaver, “Do we have enough?”
The beaver nodded.
“Enough for what?” Blane asked.
“We’re building a raft,” Sam said.
“A raft?” Blane asked.
“I got here and saw a lake,” Sam nodded. “What do you need on a lake?”
“A raft?” Blane asked with a grin.
“Exactly,” Sam said, as he inspected the cuts made by the beaver. He nodded to the beaver before adding, “I didn’t realize Jacob was in there. Any idea how he got there?”
“I think he was trying to help me,” Blane said.
“With what?” Sam asked with a scowl.
“My self-loathing,” Blane said and shrugged. “I think. I don’t really know. I just assume because . . . well . . .”
Sam gave Blane an understanding nod. He pointed. Valerie was sauntering down a hill toward them.
“What are you going to do about that self-loathing?” Sam asked. His voice wasn’t unkind or cruel. As always, Sam was very matter of fact. “You have a problem. It’s affecting people around you. What are you going to do, son?”
“I . . . I . . .” Stammering, Blane flushed bright red.
“You know,” Sam knelt down to the precisely cut logs, “my father was an alcoholic. He was never cruel. He just loved alcohol more than anything or anyone else. My brothers, including your father, were willing to give up every inch of their lives to the altar of alcohol.”
Sam looked up at Blane.
“I’ve always admired the way you’ve taken your addictions,” Sam said. “You’re a real hero. You can see it in your boys’ eyes. Tink, too. They thrive because you’re clean, sober, present, and trying to live your best life. You’re my hero, too, because you were able to do something that most of the men in my family have never been able to do.”
“You’re not an addict,” Blane said.
“I never started,” Sam said with a nod. “I was too scared of becoming an addict. Plus, I had Celia. She was better than anything I could imagine that alcohol and drugs could give me.”
Blane smiled.
“You’ve found that kind of love, and, when you get rid of this, you find a lover, too,” Sam said, indicating to Blane’s surprise that he knew that Heather was not his lover. “But first, you’ve got to let go of this thing that drives you.”
“What thing?” Blane asked.
“You simply cannot forgive yourself for being left by your mother,” Sam said. “You believe it’s your fault. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t feel the exact same thing. I am not.”
Scowling, Sam leaned back on his heels. He was silently trying to figure out what to do next when a rabbit came up with a bundle of cord in its mouth.
“Nice,” Sam said. With his hand out, Sam leaned over and said, “Thank you, sir.”
He took the cord from the rabbit. The rabbit let him pet its head. Sam held the cord up to Blane. By that time, Valerie was drawing near.
“I’m just saying: ‘What could you have ever done that would make someone leave you?’” Sam asked. He was so focused on the cord that he didn’t see Blane gawk at him. “I mean, this was clearly their fault. Their problem. Their addiction or whatever. It wasn’t something you had anything to do with. I mean, really, Wyn is older than you were when your mother left you at the hospital. Is there anything he can control?”
Sam nodded and start
ed lashing the trunks of trees together with the cord. Blane gawked at his back.
“Or maybe — well, probably, really — she was doing what she thought was best for you,” Sam said. “Leaving you was loving you. Things would have to be pretty bad, and I’d have to love you more than there are words to express to set you down in a safe place, to walk away from you. Even now, when you’re a grown man, standing around with your hands in your pockets, when there’s work to do.”
“Give me a moment,” Blane said, in the humor of someone who’d worked with Sam for years. “You’ve completely blown my mind.”
Sam chuckled and continued working.
“What’s going on?” Valerie asked. “Dad’s working and you’re just standing around? How is that possible?”
“He just blew my mind,” Blane said.
“He’s good at that,” Valerie said. “What did he say?”
“That I need to deal with my self-loathing, right here and right now, to save Jake.” Blane gave the easy answer.
“That’s not mind bending,” Valerie said. “You know how Jake is. He wants to help, to fix messy things.”
Valerie shrugged.
“You can’t imagine how hard he’s worked to fix me.” Valerie gave Blane a soft smile.
“What worked?” Blane asked.
“For me, I had to forgive him for . . . well, not fixing me, I guess,” Valerie said. “It was completely irrational. By forgiving him, he was able to forgive me. More than that, he was able to forgive himself.”
Valerie nodded toward the lake.
“I assume that’s the fabled Sea of Amber,” Valerie said.
“I think so,” Blane said at the same time Sam looked up.
“Oh, is that where we are?” Sam nodded. “Huh, it looks . . . uglier than I thought.”
Blane and Valerie chuckled at him. He shrugged and went back to work.
“So how did Dad blow your mind?” Valerie asked.
“He told me that someone would have to love me a hell of a lot to leave me,” Blane said. “You know, as a child.”
“I’m sure that’s true,” Valerie said. “I think about myself. Where would I have to be to take Jackie to the hospital and leave her there?”
“What about now?” Sam asked. “What would it take for you to let go of Blane now? Leave him and know that you’ll never see him again?”
Valerie scowled to keep from crying.
“That’s how I feel, too,” Sam said. “I’d have to love him so much, and things would have to be so bad with me that . . .”
Sam shook his head and looked up at Valerie.
“I couldn’t do it,” Sam said. “You?”
“No.” Valerie shook her head.
Sam nodded to Blane, who didn’t respond.
“Who do you have to forgive?” Valerie asked in a soft intimate voice.
“My mother,” Blane said.
“Who else?” Sam asked without looking up.
“Myself,” Blane said. He didn’t bother to keep from crying. “You’re sure?”
“That your mother had to love you fiercely to leave you?” Sam asked. “I don’t love you that much.”
“I don’t either,” Valerie said.
Blane was silent for a while.
“I need to turn this,” Sam said. “Val? Blane? Can you help, or are you still busy with your ‘blown minds’?”
Sam waved his fingers in front of his face, making Val and Blane laugh. He pointed to the end of the raft, which Blane picked up.
“When we turn it,” Sam said to Val, “you need to use the cord to fasten the other side together. You know how?”
Nodding, Valerie picked up the cord. Blane and Sam turned the raft over, and Valerie threaded the cord through the logs. When she was finished, Sam gestured for Blane to set it down. Sam grabbed stabilizing logs and set them on the raft. He held one end while Blane held the other. Valerie knelt down and lashed them to the raft.
“Work goes so much faster . . .” Sam started.
“When you do it together,” Blane and Valerie said with him. They laughed.
“Now,” Sam said, “I’m going to head out there, but . . .”
He stood up. Valerie and Blane stood up with him.
“I think you’re going to have to go in to get him, son,” Sam said.
“Because I’m expendable?” Blane asked the first thing that shot out of his heart.
“Not a chance,” Sam said at the same time that Valerie said, “How could you think that?”
Blane shrugged and looked down. Valerie hugged him tight. Sam put his hand on the back of Blane’s shoulder.
“I don’t know why you have to go in,” Sam said. “I just know it has got to be you.”
“I know why.” Blane kissed Valerie’s cheek and let her go.
“Why?” Sam and Valerie asked in unison.
Chapter Four Hundred and Eleven
Ready
“We were born on the same day,” Blane said. “Close to the same time.”
“What?” Sam and Valerie asked in unison.
Blane’s words were so unexpected that Sam actually stopped working. He stood up to look at Blane.
“What are you saying, son?” Sam asked.
“I . . .” Blane said. “Well . . .”
“Well?” Valerie asked.
“You know how we drank that tea?” Blane asked. When Valerie and Sam didn’t say anything, he pressed forward, “Well, I had a vision.”
“You mean like this one?” Sam asked.
Valerie grinned and nodded.
“Yeah, I guess so,” Blane said. “Do you wonder who is having this vision?”
“I think we all are,” Valerie said. “I had a very cool vision by myself. Sounds like you did, too. Dad?”
Sam nodded and dropped down to test the strength of the raft.
“What happened in your vision?” Valerie asked.
“I remembered being in the hospital, I guess right after I was born,” Blane said. “You were there, Valerie. Jacob, too. When you left, he would reach for me. I reached for him, too.”
Valerie looked off in the near distance for a moment before her eyes flicked back at Blane.
“He was always on his side when I got there,” Valerie said, with a nod, and then she shook her head. “I’m sorry, Blane. I don’t remember you.”
“You were five,” Blane said.
“I just think it would be nice to have some confirmation, you know?” Valerie asked. “From someone other than these visions.”
“I know it’s true in my heart,” Blane said.
“Then it’s true,” Sam said. “Enough said. When we get out of here, we’ll ask Delphie. There weren’t that many women having babies that day. This is great information. We’ll find out what happened, not just whatever we can make up about what happened. And, well, you know Delphie.”
Sam nodded as if that said enough.
“So I think I have to go in,” Blane said. “We share the same birthday, plus Jake really saved my life when we were about eight.”
“He did?” Valerie asked, but Sam nodded. Valerie was so surprised at her father’s nod that she asked, “Dad?”
“You remember the Red Scooter?” Sam asked.
“The one Jake didn’t buy?” Valerie asked, with a nod. “Mom was furious for a long, long time. Took the pressure off me.”
“He used the money to pay Blane to get medical care,” Sam said without looking up. “Were you hurt bad, son?”
“My super-Christian foster father . . . uh . . .” Blane felt the wind go out of his lungs. He gasped a breath. “Assaulted me. Tore my anus and intestines. Jake paid for my part of the surgery fees. But if Jake hadn’t found me, I would have died from blood loss and sepsis. That’s how I got AIDS.”
“From the blood transfusion?” Valerie asked.
“From the super-Christian foster father,” Blane said. He felt a flush of rage, and then he shrugged. “I guess that’s over now.”
“How so?” Sam asked.
“He’s dead,” Blane said. “Died on his own after being thrown out, finally, by his wife and abandoned by the good Christians of their evangelical community.”
Blane shrugged.
“Huh,” Valerie said with a shrug. “Red Scooter. It’s a pretty good metaphor for what he actually spent the money on. You think Jake knew — you know, that inner knowing?”
“Probably,” Sam said, at the same time Blane said, “Who knows?”
“Did mom ever know?” Valerie asked.
“No,” Sam said. “Jake didn’t want her to.”
“Any idea why?” Valerie asked.
“You know how Celia could be,” Sam said. “She was just as likely to believe that Blane was taking advantage of her poor baby. She might have missed the horrific situation Blane was actually in. Jake had wanted us to help Blane, said so at the time. He didn’t want anything to get in the way of that.”
“So it kind of has to be me,” Blane said with a nod.
“How will you protect yourself from . . .” Valerie visibly shivered. “ . . . that?”
She gestured to the orange lake. Blane grinned and gestured with his chin toward the lake. Hedone, the goddess form of Heather, was walking on the surface of the Sea of Amber. As always, Hedone’s skin, hair, and body were the radiant gold of love. She gave off a glow that brightened this horrible, dead place.
“I know the current owner of the Sea of Amber,” Blane said, with a smile. “Hedone!”
At the sound of his voice, Hedone looked up. Her face broke into a pleased and surprised smile. She positively radiated a warmth they could feel from where they were standing. Even the beaver basked in the glow. The Goddess moved quickly in their direction. Hedone held Blane tight before letting go. She gave Valerie a long, curious look and smiled at Sam.
“Sam,” Hedone said.
“Nice to see you again, ma’am,” Sam said with a blush.
Valerie looked at Blane sideways. Blane shrugged his “I don’t know.”
“Heather asked me to come here,” Hedone said. “You can imagine my surprise to see you.”
“My son is in the lake,” Sam said.
“Yes,” Hedone said. “I noticed that. There should be a ‘lake’ here. Who called the lake into being?”
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