by JB Caine
“Well, there she is,” she quipped, giving me just the smallest bit of a hard time for not responding to her sooner. “How is everything going?”
I took a deep breath. “Um, well...Grandmother says hello.”
That took the mirth out of her voice. “I beg your pardon?”
“I, um, I took your advice and tried exploring one of the boxes. I chose the one that involved seeing ghosts.”
“Seeing ghosts? You never mentioned that!”
“I know I didn’t...it had only happened one time, on Halloween.”
I could tell she was exasperated with me. She was trying to teach me about what was happening to me, and here I was, holding back information. “Tell me what happened.”
“On Halloween, or today?”
“Let’s start from the beginning. What happened on Halloween?”
“I went on a ghost tour with that boy I’d been kind of dating, and I saw the ghost of a little girl by the Huguenot cemetery. I didn’t realize she was a ghost until I tried to talk to her. She kept pointing toward the Old City Gate, but she didn’t actually say anything. And then she was gone.”
“And she was the only one you saw?”
“Until today, yes. Today I decided to study that ability, and was going to go back and see if I could find her again. I got in my car to leave, and there was Grandmother. She told me she couldn’t come inside because of the wards, but she’d been trying to talk to me. She seemed sort of angry. And she said to beware of the Magician.”
“How long ago was this?” The alarm in her voice was apparent.
“I don’t know, maybe ten minutes ago?”
“Okay, I’m glad you called me right away. Are you back inside the house?”
“Yeah, I felt like I’d better get back inside the wards.”
“Good decision. Let me try and sort through this a little bit. I guess if you were going to be able to see ghosts, it would make sense that it would start on Halloween, because that’s when the Veil between this world and the unseen world is the thinnest. It’s still a rather unusual set of circumstances that you would have full sight right out of the blue, but I guess it’s not unheard of. And it sounded like that little girl was not harmful, more just stuck in time, mourning maybe.”
That seemed reasonable...or, at least, as reasonable as anything was sounding these days. “What about Grandmother, though?”
“Well, your grandmother was a bit of a cantankerous sort when she was alive, and it seems like crossing over didn’t improve her disposition. I don’t know what to make of the warning about the Magician. I don’t know who holds that card, and I’ve never actually met anyone who does, as far as I’m aware. I’ll see if Mary knows anything. But I want you to be extra careful. Those who have crossed over fully don’t make appearances on this side of the Veil lightly. It’s very difficult, I’m told, and therefore fairly rare. She must have thought that warning was terribly important.”
“So Grandma never appeared after she died?”
“Well, no, but then I had buried the card with her. I never developed that kind of Sight as an ability, though sometimes I would hear spirit messages.”
“You never saw ghosts?”
“No. Full Second Sight like you described is an incredibly rare ability. Many people who are sensitive can feel the presence of spirits, can even receive messages. But very few see ghosts as a physical presence.”
“Why is it that I can see ghosts and you couldn’t, even when you were the Moon?”
“That’s an awfully good question. It may be that you had latent ability, even before the card came to you.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that maybe you would have developed some psychic abilities on your own, even without becoming Arcana. Now that you are the Moon, whatever abilities were in you to begin with may be heightened. Of course, I’m just theorizing. But either way, I think you need to focus very specifically on protection. You remember that orb of protection that the Empress helped you manifest around you?”
“Sure, of course.”
“I want you to focus on it, strengthen it a couple of times a day. Make it very strong. Your grandmother apparently feels like you might be in danger. It would be...unwise...to ignore a warning like that.”
“Should I tell Mom about this?”
“At this point, I think you’d better. There is something to be said for protecting people who are non-magical, but when someone is very close to you, there are certain things you need to share in order to keep them aware and out of danger. You also should keep her informed as your confidante. There’s no one you can trust more than your mother. Your well-being is her top priority, so you shouldn’t keep her in the dark about this.”
I considered this, and realized I had more than one person I could trust. “In the spirit of full disclosure, I think there’s something else I need to tell you.”
She paused. “I feel like I’m not going to like it.”
“Well, maybe not. But maybe it will be neutral. I just feel like you should know.” I told her about John’s note and our meeting at the doughnut shop. I told her about Blake Freeman.
She let me finish the narrative without contributing any commentary. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking, but I was fairly sure she didn’t approve.
“Lia, you are wading into some dangerous waters. It’s very dangerous to interfere in someone’s free will, even if you have the best of intentions.”
“But Aunt Kitty, even if I didn’t care about the supposed legislation this guy will help with, even if I don’t buy that part of the story, isn’t it better that he’s getting help with his addiction?”
“It certainly seems so on its face. IF this man is who John says he is. IF he can stick to his recovery attempt, which will be harder to do than if it had been his own idea. The problem is that there’s no way of knowing how much his path has been altered. What is clear, though, is that your intentions were pure. I don’t fault you for your compassion. But just remember that free will is a precious thing. Our spiritual growth is dependent on it. Think and weigh very carefully before you trifle with something like that.”
I didn’t like the fact that I had done what I thought was a good thing, and yet was being made to feel guilty about it. Or maybe I didn’t like acknowledging that I might have been manipulated, or even duped. Either way, I was feeling grumpy. I pouted and didn’t respond.
“I’m not going to lecture you, Lia. Your choices are your own. I would just advise you to remember that other people’s choices are their own as well. Your abilities come with a lot of temptations. One of those temptations is that you might tend to see yourself as...MORE...than non-magical people. Once you put yourself above them, it becomes easier to feel okay about manipulating them, making decisions for them, even using them. That’s not the kind of person you are naturally. Just be aware.”
“Okay. I promise to keep it in mind. I’ve got to go now. I have some homework I need to do, and it’s my turn to make dinner.”
“Alright. Thanks for calling me. I’ll reach out to Mary and see what she can tell me about the Magician.”
We said our farewells and hung up. I was still grouchy about her taking me to task about helping Blake Freeman. But it was more than that. I was grouchy because she had read me correctly. I had felt so proud of myself for making Blake choose what seemed like an obvious right path. I felt like I had saved him, and had fancied myself a sort of superhero.
I had liked that feeling so much, that the very next time an opportunity had presented itself, I had tweaked someone’s free will again, all in the name of what I thought was the right path. I had made Michael go and talk to Treigh. I had interfered in Michael’s decision making, even if I thought I had done it for all the right reasons. I just wanted my friend to be happy. But would he be happy if he knew WHY Michael had found the courage to finally go up and say hello?
I knew very well the answer to that question. He would not be happy. Not at
all.
Chapter 23
And so began moral quandary number...how many was this now? I’d lost count. Three? Five? But this one actually scared me. The more I thought about the implications of what I’d done by influencing Michael to get over his fear and talk to Treigh, the more I realized that even if my intentions were good, what I had done was wrong. And I was deeply afraid of what would happen if Treigh knew.
So did it compound my sins if I just didn’t tell him? I mean, if everything worked out with
Michael, he never needed to know, right? But I would know. And I would feel like I was intentionally deceiving my best friend. Was it better to tell him the truth, or was that just for my peace of mind, so that I could feel like I had confessed myself?
The whole internal argument was giving me a headache and making me miserable. My mother eyed me suspiciously over the lasagna I was poking at, but not eating.
“Spill it,” she said. “What’s going on?”
“Huh? No, I’m fine. I’m just…”
“Horsefeathers.” That was my mother’s favorite euphemism for BS. “You usually INHALE lasagna. What’s wrong?”
“I...uh…” And then the floodgates opened. I told her about John and about the ethical dilemma he had presented. I told her about Blake Freeman, told her about what I’d done to influence Michael. I told her about how guilty I felt, and how I wasn’t sure if I should spill my guts to Treigh or not. By the end of my narrative, my lasagna was cold and my cheeks were wet.
Without comment, my mother got up, pulled me out of my chair, and hugged me close. I started bawling. In that moment, all I wanted was for someone to make all these grown-up decisions for me and absolve me of all responsibility. She held onto me until I ran out of tears and was left with nothing but heaving breaths and sniffles. I sat back down and gulped down a glass of water while she heated up my lasagna in the microwave.
“So,” she began as she set down my plate. “You’ve screwed up pretty royally here, and I think you know it. But that’s the nature of learning to navigate the world on your own. You will mess up sometimes, and you have to do your best to try and make it right. And the truth is, that might not be easy, and you might not be able to fix it. But I raised you to be a woman of principle and honor. So you have to try.”
“But what if Treigh doesn’t forgive me?”
“He might not. But that has to be his choice. You already took someone’s choices away. You have to give them back.”
“I’m scared.”
“You should be. Treigh loves you, and I suspect he’ll find his way back to that, but what you did to him was wrong. The pain of that choice is what leads you to not repeat the mistake.”
“I feel it badly enough now. I won’t make that mistake again.”
“I believe you. Do you think it’s right to hide this information from him?”
I paused. I knew the answer, but I didn’t want to face it. “No, it’s not right.”
“Then you know what you have to do. Treigh deserves the truth, or you disrespect the trust he has in you.”
“The trust I betrayed.”
“Actually, yes. But you can’t make it right by hiding from the truth.”
Darn her logic. She was right. Ugh.
Deciding to tell Treigh and actually telling him were two different things. It wasn’t the kind of conversation to be had on the way into a class or walking in the hallway. I thought maybe lunch had some potential, but Michael was also at the bench when I got there. They seemed happy enough, and it was casual and comfortable, so even though I knew I was just postponing the inevitable, I hung out with them for a little bit, and then made my excuses about having to go to the restroom.
Drama was actually quite busy with the announcement of an end-of-semester individual performance showcase. Everyone was digging through script files either in old gray file cabinets or online script archives, looking for what five-minute performance they wanted to choose for their final grade of the term. I knew I should care about that, knew I should be excitedly planning and choosing, but I couldn’t bring myself to be motivated. All I could think about was Treigh.
“Hey, Lia, want to do a duet performance with me for the showcase?” Gemma plopped down beside me in a folding theater seat.
I tried to look engaged. Truthfully, I appreciated her offer, because having her as a partner would force me to be accountable. “What did you have in mind?”
“I’m not sure yet. Probably something serious. I don’t really feel like doing comedy. I haven’t even looked at the script box yet. But I could sing...we could even do a musical!” She was clearly getting excited about the prospect, and her eyes lit up with an idea. “How about a cutting from Wicked?”
It actually sounded fun, but I couldn’t help feeling like I’d been typecast. My own fault, really.
“Yeah, sure, I’m game. But I suck at cutting.”
“Oh, don’t worry about it! I love cutting! I’ll pull something together tonight and text you a copy.”
“Cool, thanks. I appreciate it. I had no idea what I was going to do. This really helps me a lot.”
“I’m so excited!” She studied me for a minute. “Are you okay? You look...off.”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Just not looking forward to a chat I have to have with someone later. I’ll survive. Probably.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“Not really. I’ll just be glad to get it over with. Thanks, though.”
“All right, I’ll leave you to your brooding, then. But I’m here if you need me!” She patted my knee and then skittered off to see what scripts other people had chosen.
Brooding indeed. As much as I didn’t want to have this talk with Treigh, I rationalized that he would probably appreciate that my intentions were good, and that I felt like I had to come clean. Surely that would count for something. I texted him to ask if we could walk to the parking lot together, and he replied with a yes and a heart emoji.
When the bell rang, I gathered my things and dragged myself out the auditorium door. My heart was in my throat as I watched him stroll across the courtyard.
“Hello, darling! What’s up that you needed an escort today? Everything okay?”
“Yes, well, sort of. I wanted to talk to you about, you know, some of this woo-woo stuff that’s been going on. Some stuff you don’t know about yet.”
His eyes brightened with excitement. After the initial conversation about my ability to move objects had sunk in, he had gotten over his trepidation, it seemed.
“So, you know that Alex and I sort of broke up…”
“Yes, honey, and I will never forgive him.”
“Well, you might, see, because it was kind of my fault. I mean, it was my fault.” Treigh looked perplexed. “I mean, he probably didn’t really like me all that much in the first place. See, there was this thing like a month ago, and I was on the beach and Selene was teaching me some stuff about what I could do and I made a wish and then all of a sudden Alex liked me. And I didn’t really realize it, but by making that wish, I sort of interfered with his free will. Not sort of. I did. And once I realized it, which was after the Halloween party, I sort of took the wish back, because it wasn’t right. And then he didn’t really like me that much anymore.” I stopped to take a breath, and Treigh was looking at me sympathetically.
“Aw, honey, I’m so sorry...you didn’t know. It’s not your fault…”
“No, but wait, there’s more…” The words were rushing out in a flood now. “There was this guy, John, who also knows about this stuff, and he showed me how I could use my will to influence people to make good choices, and I wasn’t too sure about that, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought that there might be a way to accomplish some good, you know…”
“Uh huh…” He was starting to look a little more skeptical. I rattled on.
“So then we were at lunch, and you were all sad, and I saw that Michael was looking at you on the sly, and I thought maybe he was
just shy or something, and...well...I might have given him a little boost of courage so he’d come over and talk to you.” Treigh stopped walking and his eyes got wide. “I didn’t force him or anything, I just sort of...mentally encouraged him.”
“You. Did. What?”
“Nudged him. A little.”
“So it wasn’t his idea to come talk to me the other day?”
“Well, he was probably thinking about it already…”
“Probably?”
“I’m pretty sure he would have anyway. I just wanted to help.”
“Pretty sure? Lia, how could you DO this to me?” His voice was rising in both volume and pitch. “How can I trust anything that happened between him and me after that? How can I be sure he wants to hang out with me at all?”
“Oh, I’m not influencing him now, not at all…”
“How can you possibly know that for sure? How? You have literally no idea what you’re doing! You can’t go messing around in people’s lives like that! What if he never would have come up to me? Maybe he and I aren’t supposed to become anything at all! Did you ever think of that? Like maybe there was another purpose other than becoming a couple? And not only that, I had this beautiful memory of him overcoming his shyness because I was that important to him...and you’ve robbed me of that! I wasn’t that important to him! That beautiful memory is a freaking LIE!”
“I...I just wanted you to be happy...Treigh, I’m so sorry...the more I thought about it, the more I regretted it, and I felt like I had to be honest with you about what I did...I’m so sorry…”
“You should be sorry! How can I trust you now? How do I know you aren’t working some other kind of mojo on me, or on him? Or on anybody? How can I even trust what I feel around you? Like EVER?”
“Oh, don’t say that! I swear, I learned my lesson! I’ve felt so guilty…” Tears were welling up in my eyes.
“Well, boo hoo for you! Cry me a damn river! Of all the people in this world, I never thought you would do something like this to me, betray my trust like this! You were literally the person I trusted most in the world! You are the one I tell all my family drama to! You’re the first one I came out to! And now you do this? I can’t even look at you right now! I’m going home, and I don’t want you to text me or call me. I don’t even know how to process this.” He stalked off toward his car, leaving me a sobbing mess.